Staring at the empty apartment, it seems like forever ago that you and I stood in this room laughing till all hours of the night, over some stupid argument we had. Laughing at a joke you told me. Over a show we watched together…
The room is silent now.
The walls are crumbling, wallpaper peeling and the air is dusty, yet I cannot smell it or taste it…feel it. It's like it never happened. It feels like forever ago that you and I shared this space…two hearts that beat together as one. My love for you grew strong, stronger than anything I'd ever felt before.
Our love was what kept us together. Now we are two ghosts drifting in a glass that's half empty. Our happy ending is gone. My happy ending is gone. I wish I remembered what loving you felt like but it’s been too many years, but my love was definitely strong.
It wasn't strong enough to prevent what happened to you.
Or me.
I stand in the dark, listening to the floorboards creak as the building shifts. The building long ago abandoned, like I abandoned you. I didn't mean to. I wish I could just feel your lips on mine one more time, to feel your hands caressing my chin when I was upset, to just feel anything at all. I miss your voice, your stupid laugh when I would try to be funny and failed.
“You still telling that joke? It's so old!”
I laugh, hitting him playfully with my pillow as the movie on the television ends, spilling the popcorn everywhere.
Neither of us cared. It was just you and me. Same blue eyes, same red lips. Same favorite worn out night shirts that we would wear when we cuddled on the couch together. You and I were just alike, except you had a couple more tattoos.
“I love you.”
“I love you too….”
The ghosts of ourselves fade and once again I am met with the harsh reality that I will never hear that laugh, that I will never see that smile, smell your cologne on my sheets or hear your voice again.
I sometimes wonder if you are happy where you ended up. You moved on pretty quick after you passed…but yet I'm still here. Stuck because I can't let go of our memories. Stuck wandering the Earth forever alone.
“Promise me you'll always be with me,”
“Nick….”
“That we will be together forever. Because I don't plan on leaving.”
He'd gotten down on one knee on the roof of our apartment building…as the last light faded in the sky and the streetlights turned on. I immediately teared up, looking at the gold shimmering in his hand.
“Really?” I asked.
“Really…”
I took the ring and we kissed, blissfully happy. We were going to spend the rest of our lives together. We'd spent hours talking about moving out of the city and getting a quiet home upstate where we could grow old together. We talked about going to Niagara Falls for our honeymoon…talked about so many plans that never happened.
It was all for nothing. You were stolen from me that night, the night we got into a fight and I left.
I abandoned you and you abandoned me. I know that is what I deserve.
My hands trace the outline of the door to our kitchen…even though I cannot actually touch the door or feel the wood against my fingertips. I can still smell the dinner I was cooking when we had that fight. I was making you your favorite meal for our anniversary and you came home angry. Angry about what, I don't know. I wish I knew. Maybe if I'd known, I wouldn't have left.
“What's wrong?”
“I don't want to talk about it.”
My blood boiled, like the pasta cooking on the stove. I turned it down and drained the noodles in the sink, then turned to him again.
“Why do you shut me out like this? I only want to help.”
“I don't fucking need help.”
“If you would please-”
He walked over and slammed his hand on the counter violently, yelling at me. I don't remember what was said but I felt my eyes water. He'd never yelled at me like that before. I watched the rain falling against the window and the storm brewing, while Nick screamed.
“You're fucking ridiculous.”
I blinked at him and stopped cooking, sighing and trying not to cry in front of him. I hated when he got angry like this because of his temper. We'd been fighting a lot that week and it was taking its toll on both of us. I'd had enough.
“I'll come back when you decide not to be a asshole.” I said, shutting off the stove and grabbing my keys from the bowl on the counter. I replaced the keys with my promise ring he'd bought me after he'd proposed. I could hear the panic in his voice then. He'd fucked up and I wanted to make sure he would understand what he did.
“Brian, I'm sorry…..wait-”
“Brian!!!”
I didn't answer. I slammed the door behind me and went down the stairs, hearing him call me from the apartment doorway. I ignored him and kept walking.
I didn't know it was the last time I'd see him alive.
I'd blacked out and woken up later to see my bloodstained body on the ground, my spirit hovering just over my own corpse. If I could feel anything, I'd have been sick to my stomach.
The storm continued around me, but I couldn't feel the rain at all, the water went right through me. I didn't know what else to do so I wandered back to the apartment, drifting along. I could hear him crying, sobbing in agony…and when I passed through the wall it became even louder.
“I was coming back….” I whispered in vain.. He couldn't hear me.
“Nick-”
I had to stop myself because he wouldn't hear it anyway.
I stopped in the bathroom doorway, watching him slumped on the floor between the bathtub and the sink, his eyes red. He looked like he'd been in this state for hours, maybe a day. I had no idea how much time had passed.
He picked up the cell phone on the floor and dialed my phone, as if he'd been trying for hours. Half sobbing and trying to make himself stop long enough to speak, I heard the last thing I'd ever hear him say.
“I don't know if you'll even listen to this or the other messages I've - I've sent you, but this is the last one. I love you and I always have. I've been dealing with a lot since my dad died and I couldn't tell you for some reason. I'm sorry…but I can't do it anymore.”
He stopped and wiped his eyes before taking a breath. My eyes grew wide seeing the gun in his hand. I shook my head in protest…he couldn't….this couldn't be happening.
“I can't live without you, Brian.”
He held up the gun, raising it to his face. I shouted but he didn't hear me.
“Maybe one day I'll see you again..” he said, shakily holding onto the trigger. tears running down his cheek.
“NICK, NO!!!!”
It was then that things exploded. His life was snuffed out in an instant. Blood spattered on the wall behind him, his eyes stayed open….dead and still.
The phone clattered to the floor, his body seemed to slump in slow motion. More blood spilled onto the bathroom floor, seeping into the bath rug.
I couldn't do anything. I couldn't scream, couldn't cry…I couldn't save him. It was like watching a movie. I sat alone with his body for the longest time until the police arrived, waiting to see his spirit leave him like I did. I waited and waited.
He never came. I watched the police and paramedics tend to his body. Mentions of foul play, mentions of our fight…mentions of me leaving him and him yelling down the hallway, but once they'd realized I was also dead those suspicions faded. I was alone. I would never hear Nick's voice again.
If only I could hear his voice one more time. Or even feel his heart beating against my chest while we lay in bed, away from everything and without a care in the world. When I felt safe and loved. I try to remember those times but sometimes it's even hard to remember what having a heartbeat feels like.
Turning away from the bathroom, I float into the next room, more memories playing back.
“I'll never leave you…” he'd said.
I guess you were meant to. Hopefully I will see you again, Nick. I don't even know why I haven't moved on, but this must be what I deserve. I hope you're happy wherever you are.
I will just have to keep holding onto our memories. Memories of what we used to be.
Story Notes:
This is based on Two Ghosts by Harry Styles. Here's the song if you want to give it a listen. https://youtu.be/suNBBjPdkhA
