Chapter One ā“ Begin Again
The drive from Las Vegas was a long one ā“ not that such a thing wasnāt expected. He knew he couldāve flown, had everything shipped to the new place. He definitely had the funds for it, despite recent events. Yet, in the end he chose not to. Instead he packed everything up himself into the giant U-Haul truck that heād rented. It felt like a sendoff to the old Nick and the man heād convinced himself he could be once upon a time. Itād taken a long time, years actually, for reality to come crashing back down. But crash down it did and here he was alone again in the shattered remains of his old life.
He sighed as he stepped outside the rest stopās restroom and back into the warmth of the sun. He was somewhere in southern Utah and soon heād be away from the desert weather heād come to call home back in 2017. Two and a half years had stolen a lot from him. Nick walked over and climbed up into the driverās seat again, taking a long sip from the Coors sitting inside the cup holder. Nothing was enough to dull the pain anymore, he found he was simply accepting it was inevitable now.
Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine, Iām leaving my life in your handsā¦ With a roll of his eyes, Nick immediately changed the station. It was weird hearing his songs on oldies stations of all things. Then again, he was thirty-nine, next year heād be forty.
āAnd I donāt have a god damned thing.ā He thought bitterly.
Back in 2017 heād had everything. The Backstreet Boys had been on top of the world with the fastest selling residency in Las Vegas history. Planet Hollywood had never seen anything like it. They were back on Billboard thanks to their collaboration with country group Florida-Georgia Line. Everyone wanted to work with them suddenly, it was such a contrast to what Nick thought to himself as the groupās Kevin-less years when heād taken the initiative and practically begged producers to work with the group. Sometimes it was hard to believe, they were getting consistent calls for appearances, performances, everything theyād been struggling for since their 2005 album. Yet as with anyone who makes it to the top, Nick felt he shouldāve known sooner or later it would be time to once again fall.
This fall went further than he ever couldāve expected.
People from his past, bitter at the way things had ended between them used him for attention and fame. Used his name, his past mistakes against him ā“ without any defense for himself. The stories that spread were lies, pure and simple. But itād been whatās known as ātrial by social mediaā. People didnāt need proof in a he said/she said story. All they needed was someone they wanted to see come crumbling down. He tried to stay strong in the onslaught of negative media, focus on Lauren, on Odin. But despite the lies and his desperate attempts to bring those responsible to a hault, the group started to get heat. The demand for them began to drop. Everything fell apart. He sighed, settling onto a random station where Eminemās voice would be heard through the speakers.
If time was still on my side, I'd still have none to waste. Man, in my younger days, that dream was so much fun to chase. It's like I run in place while this shit dangled in front of my faceā¦
Everywhere he went, paparazzi had begun to follow. The questions never ceased. Management had to ban them from interviews though some still tried it. The fans were loyal, never wavering. But their support while incredibly could only carry the group so far. Planet Hollywood didnāt cease the five-year contract the group had signed for their residency. They simply asked the group to ātake some time off while the heat dies downā after their dates last year in 2018. Kevin felt it might be best for the group to focus on recording, finish the album that kept being delayed because so many people wanted them to perform.
It didnāt take long for that to go awry. A few missed meetings, late to recordings. Suddenly the fellas were asking him what was wrong. Like they didnāt know! It blew Nickās mind that theyād even ask. He had a lot on his plate and nothing he did could make it go away. Certain claims stuck forever, no matter what. Especially if the person causing them made sure to find new ways to make it news again. Changing her story never seemed to catch anyoneās notice. Nothing he said or did was right anymore. Not to the media. Not to his bandmates. And especially not to his now ex-wife.
āI need a break Kevin. Letās take a break from all of it. Maybe this shit will fucking leave me alone by the time I decide to come back.ā
A glance out the window, seeing the scenery blur beside him as he took another sip from his trusty can. Nick knew he should be seeing the therapist as Lauren has suggested again and again. Before everything had fallen apart. But, how could he? Many people didnāt believe him, no matter what he said. What would make some stranger suddenly think he was telling the truth? Sometimes, he wondered if the fellas believed. He knew Kevin did. But what about Brian? Brian had the tendency to think the worst of him, because of his old mistakes. Did Howie? AJ? He was afraid to ask.
His phone vibrated as he checked it while keeping a hand steady on the wheel.
Got your email. Are you sure youāre ok. Worried about you.
āEveryone is fucking worried. Join the club.ā He muttered with another roll of his eyes, throwing the phone into the passenger seat.
How many times over the years had he wanted Brian to worry about him? How many times would he have killed to have his former best friend check on him? The relationship the two friends had was a tumultuous one. Every time Nick was down, it seemed Brian wasnāt there to pick him up. He hated to blame Leighanne but the fact was this ā“ Brian changed after marriage. Nick understood it somewhat, once heād gotten married. But he hadnāt forgotten his friends when things got hard and that was something he wasnāt sure he could ever forget. When Lauren had served him the divorce papers, it had been Kevin and AJ whoād flown out to Vegas from LA. Howie was down in Florida at the time. During the custody battle, Howie had been the one who had helped him find the best lawyers possible.
Not that theyād done any good.
Brian was supportive, from a distance of course.
It was ironic, that it was Brianās advice that made the most sense to him. Start over, heād said the one time heād answered the phone to anyone but Howie after Nick had changed his number. Start over in a place where everything is calmer, smaller. Get out of Vegas and figure things out without the memories following you everywhere. Maybe remember who you are besides a Backstreet Boy. Since he couldnāt be one, wasnāt allowed to be one, he realized Brian was right. He needed to be reminded who he was outside of performing, music, and celebrity.
And to hell what Lauren thought. Sheād won sole custody of their son Odin. Something heād never forgive her for. Their son was the only thing Nick felt heād done perfectly in his lifetime. The light in his three-year-oldās eyes every time he picked him was the last thing that was tethering him to any semblance of sanity. And the woman he thought heād spend the rest of his life with ripped that away from him. All because she refused to believe he had a handle on things. Who cared if he partied sometimes? Maybe he needed a break with everyone flooding his Instagram with horrible comments, screaming names at him in public.
Melissa may have damaged his career ā“ hopefully not beyond repair. But Lauren? Lauren had gone for the jugular after things between them had gone so horribly wrong. The only family he dared to have outside of the group, seeing as the one that raised him had basically abandoned him once he stopped giving them money, was now forever gone. Supervised visits. That was the ruling, for now. His lawyers were already working on getting that decision reversed. Nick himself had little hope. The court of public opinion had been used against him in the custody battle, and heād lost.
Nick threw the now empty can on the floor of the cab. If he made a mess heād just pay for it. What did it matter. What did anything matter?
āYou donāt fucking believe her do you Lauren?!ā
āI didnāt but Iām starting to! Look at you Nick! You reek, youāre never home, and when you are itās like youāre not!ā
āI donāt fucking need this! Not from you!ā
āI canāt keep doing this!ā
āYou canāt leave me!ā
āI CAN and I will Nick Carter! I will walk out that door if you donāt see someone and get some help! Stop shutting me out! Stop shutting everyone out! Iām scared, everyone is and-ā
āI donāt need help!ā
One of the many arguments flashed through his head as he took an exit off the freeway. He needed to find a hotel room so he can get some sleep. As much as he hated life, hated everything around him, he didnāt want to die. That much he knew. He wanted to live, he wanted his son back in his life. He wanted the group back together someday ā“ even though right now it was the last thing on the list. Nick wanted to hear the crowds screaming his name, giving him the cheers that lifted him to a high drugs had never given him during his younger days. He wanted people to see the truth.
Nick parked at the first hotel he saw, not caring what it looked like. He wondered what Lauren was doing. If she was tucking his son in. He hoped Odin was asking where daddy was. He was the one who always did story time with him ā“ before the divorce. He hoped his son didnāt forget him. Three years wasnāt very old. He was young enough to forget and that thought was terrifying. His son was the last light still burning in the darkness. He couldnāt lose him. His lawyers had encouraged the move, saying that if Nick seemed āstableā in his new home, Laurenās arguments against him would crumble. He could at least get shared custody.
Deep down though, Nick wondered if anything would turn around for him ever again.