I didn't even fathom the idea to share a bus with him...ever since...
" Hey dude, have you talked to your therapist? I thought she was supposed to be on the road with us?" AJ asked with a smirk of humor plastering on his wicked face.
AJ had his tour with us, but I refused, for fear of society to banish us both on a horrible island for the insane.
" No." I simply grumbled hoping he would just completely change subjects.
AJ stared at me with a shocked but stern expression and for a moment I wanted to either to burst out in maddening laughter or to dissever myself into weakened forces and cry.
Ever since we were diagnosed, AJ before me but hey who is counting right?
But anyway, we have been trying to confront our struggles on a day to day routine. Therapy helped and so do medication.... even though I was seriously close to cease taking them.
Or shove them all down my pathetic throat.
The bitters, as I like to call them, are my fifth set of medication I was put on. The others didn't seem to work, and I intrude the feeling of hopelessness.
Of course, AJ was doing quite better and only had a few episodes every now and then, but he is intent on battling this fierce war.
" Come on Nicky....you can at least try you know." he said matter of fact tone.
My fist filthy in anger.
My entire body fevered within a disturbance I could not handle.
Then all at once hell became my salvation for an entire minute...stranded beneath the concept that I was never going to be well again.
And I hated myself for it.
" FUCK OFF!!!!" I screamed barreling towards AJ in much velocity I never knew I possess.
Fist was the weapon.
AJ my target.
Just when I was ready to shoot my bullet Kevin sauntered into the room right on time.
" What the fuck Nick! NOO!" he yelled and seized my hand before it made any sort of contact.
AJ was dumbfounded on how animal-like I was now. His rendering fear was fearful to abandon his face.
Kevin wrapped me from behind after I calmed down some and faced me towards him and bone-crushed me in the tightest hug you would ever believe.
My therapist suggested the fellas to practice this weird and tight bubbled ritual to help release my episodes whenever it had gone this far.
I also hated this.
" That's good Nicky...just calm down...shh..."
I gasped for any clean air to fill within my body to be the man that was not meant to belong in a threatening fury of mental illness.
My head fell onto the crook of Kevin’s neck as I began to harshly cry, my voice drowned out everything else that was existent.
Kevin’s grip loosened a bit and started to rub my back in small circles, hushing my sorrow to another place. AJ, still stricken, watched as he comforted me and tried his best to normalize our situations even if it means interrupting the importance of our cruel nature. As he released me slowly, he starred into my eyes with his emerald greens and imagine the infliction I was forced to suffer with…trying to understand it.
“Are you all better now?” he asked calm and somehow, I lost my ability to speak and only gifted him with a slight nod of my head.
“Good…. now get ready. We are about to head in the next city.” He spoke quietly as he left the room in a hurry. I turned to face AJ and realized he had tears in his eyes. It was glistening like sunlight on freshly pressed snow and it broke me to see him like that.
“Jay…” I started, and he turned around and went in the same direction as Kevin. I was left standing there, unsure what my next move will be as if I was a worthless. I am the pawn and chess are life for no matter how many moves I make, I always seem to lose perspective.
We trolled off the bus and was met with a warming sensation of the state of Florida. Palm trees were swaying their beaks gently and I felt a sense of relaxation as we made our way to the fancy hotel. As Kevin went to the desk to receive the keys to our room, I was met with another teeming thought that always happened whenever we enter anywhere. You see Kevin makes sure him and the fellas each had a keycard to my room, you know in case of emergencies. It was for any type situation and to basically babysit me. I growled within of jealousy for AJ did not even needed to do this although he used to.
“Here everyone…your keycards. Nick you’re going to be between Brian and I.” He said as if he was not even asking but just stating the topic of it. I grumbled lowly and reluctantly took my keys and headed for my room. We had a few hours until soundcheck, so I had plenty of peace to work with. When I was about to enter my room, Brian jogged behind me till he caught up. Momentarily, he watched as I slide my door opened very aware of his presence. I tried to ignore him but then he coughed a little to try to obtain my attention. I sighed slowly and faced whatever it was he had to torment me with.
“So, um….” He began trying to piece the words together enough to not upset me.
“What happened on the bus?” he poked bluntly. I was always able to reveal myself to Brian no matter the situation but now it just seems the possibility was out of reach. It wasn’t even known how I should answer that. I suddenly found the bluish grey carpet to be interesting when I responded to him.
“It was nothing Bri, just the fucked up usual me.” I replied casually but I knew Brian was not going for it.
“Frack…come on… I am like your twin brother.” He laughed to lighten the mood. I only shrugged and entered my room in a haste and of course he followed.
“Listen please! I am worried for…” But I cut him off before he even finished this strange infliction he bellowed.
“I AM FINE ALLRIGHT!!! THIS IS NOT EASY YOU KNOW!!” I yelled, and Brian took a step back as if I had offended his entire being. He glanced downwards and sighed deeply for he had no more left to say, the leftover in an afterthought that would soon come.
“I’m sorry Frick…I just…need some time.” I finished and with a nod he left and on point my watch flashed and beeped which only means it was time to swallow the bitters. I swiftly filled a cup of water and doled out my meds in a tragic act to save me…. I angrily translated these my only hope I could ever hold on…even if it means to someday die with dignity. I swept them beneath my throat and lie down for a little nap to hopefully disconnect my nerves. At the concept of death, I lie in my bed, a puzzling smile crept on my face as I nourish this ache……
I did not make known when a noteworthy beeping and the door sliding in an ability as a metallic sound. I was shaken awake by Kevin whom peered down at me in a concern manner, his eyebrows arched together like a referring caterpillar.
“Hey little bro…it is time to get ready.” He softly raked his fingers across me as if I was some sort of map he was driving to figure out. I blinked in mercy a got up to find my shirt as I was only clad in my jeans still. Kevin lapped his hand on my back and looked at me gracefully waiting for some sort of answer. When I was done I left without a single slip of word and went towards the sound check and then the concert. AJ did not even acknowledge my soul at all and I felt a verdict weighing between us that was not so easily forgiven.
“Hey…let’s break a leg shall me?” I mustered, and AJ flashed a fluent flare that made me think our relationship will never be the same.
“Yeah you too…” he honestly said as the violet curtain drifted up, lights seeping like liquid across all five of use and resisting my urge to carry this death of me any longer.