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I did not want to feel this thunder coming undone around me.
I did not speak what was leftover within the storm.
I hated him in a way....and...
never did this ever cease.
After the show, we hung out outside the buses, a cigarette loosely drifting on my small lips. The encouraging smoke escaping as it always shall remain....I wish I could too.
After that blowout between Nick and I....I wasn't even sure how to address him now. I felt as if I was a foolery in this game we were elevating.
A chance that we can both meet into an intersecting compass where one way would rather seem better than the other.
I was diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety a while ago.
At first I felt my inner demons clawing at me with their bone-filled thoughts as if I was suffocating without realizing the damage. Then I slowly became cradled with the prospects of actually doing a rectifying way to ease myself, and the people that I love.
After all...it was 2010.....flaws were meant to change...well at least I had hoped so.
Nick was diagnosed after me. We all originally noted it was from excessive drinking or drugs.
But then the hallucinations happened.
I can never forget my first encounter with it.
We were all at a hotel someone in empty city Germany where Nick ran into the room, mind you naked, and screaming how the aliens took a hold of his brain and he can no longer do anything.
It took Kevin a lot of muster to calm him down and made sure he went to see a doctor tomorrow. It was the very first time though I was truly scared.
Because not only my own illness was out there, it seemed to not even tulip to what Nick has.
And Bipolar.
I felt an obsession of tears naturally drain along my face when I heard his obstacles.
His medication slightly differ than my own but I still felt a sense of pity filling my insides as if it was a funeral for my misery.
Though at times I hated him, I still find myself still sun-lighting my love for him.

As we boarded the bus, Nick went directly to his bunk and quickly shut his curtain, clearly wanting to be alone.
I sighed and sunk myself onto the couch and popped a movie in.
Suddenly my watched started yelling at me and knew it was time to take my meds.
I rolled out the few I needed, swiped them down my throat along with some water and felt content for what seemed like eternity.
I glanced towards Nick's bunk and briefly wondered if Nick took his meds. I always hindered at the mindset that he has been skipping them, passionate enough to apply the fact that he has not.
I frowned simply for the sport off his pain.

A couple hours into the revolving slow movie, Nick finally came out and was in tears.
I grabbed the remote and paused as he stood there unsure what his next move would be. His once blue eyes darkened with the plague, red rimmed with a belief that he was indeed a monster. He sniffled a minute then just stared like a deafeaning factor that he was no longer normal...no more of a saint that he once was.
" Nicky?" I inquired and he just leaped onto my lap and buried his head along my shoulder and weeped like the mother's cry.
" Jay! Jay!..Im....I'm...soo....sorrryyy!" he sputtered and I only held him tighter.
" its okay buddy, I know how it..." and before I even finished Nick snapped his head back and glared....death was among me.
" YOU DON'T KNOW!!!!!" he snarled and threw himself back to the point where he barreled himself hard against the wall, resulting in him yelping in pain.
I crouched down a few feet and held out my hand like a lonely flower, able and ready to be loved.
I know he needed that much more than ever.
" Please Nick....let me help." I stated slowly and he looked up to me as a dying man awaiting his becoming feast.
I knew...someway..somehow..he was defiantly starving.
" There coming for me..." he whispered carefully as though he did not want anyone else to hear.
" Who is?" I asked and he just sunk his face back unto his hands and I was left with a lingering malice that was both artless and beautiful.

The next honoring hope in dawn spoke through curtains as I eerily raised myself from my place and felt a weird weight along me.
He was sleeping peacefully...for once. His blonde dreads smothered his face, his mouth agape open as if to protest some kind of meaning.
I smiled down at him, wondering the murdering written across his own being and solely wished it wasn't him.
But for me instead.
Groaning, I waited carefully not to wake him and made my way to the bathroom.
All order seemed to drown me.
And there was no way to escape the servant tides.
"Jay?" Nick asked sleepily across the door and I opened to find him rubbing his eyes child-like.
" Yea buddy?"
He smiled sheepishly and continued to his task like it was a noteworthy thing.
" Can we get some breakfast?" he asked...sounding almost guilty beneath the tone carrying in his voice.
" Of course man." I simply replied as we hurried down to the cafeteria in the musty hotel.
Nick walked in front and again I made a smooth yet harsh penning to ask myself for him....
Did he take his meds today and if not, what phase will his moon lies beneath.

His vein pulsed with curdled blood, with waxing grins above in red....