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I remember where I was when I found out.

We were sitting at the table at our cabin - eight hours straight north in the middle of the wilderness of Northern Minnesota, about to enjoy the first dinner of our vacation together. The lodge owner, Tim, had come down to our cabin nearly a half-hour ago because there was an urgent phone call for my mom. We didn't think anything of it, since it was a common occurrence for her to get business phone calls through the lodge, but it was hard not to notice the unusually somber look on Tim's face.

As I watched my mom leave, my immediate thoughts went to my older brother, Clayton, who was supposed to be arriving here with his two best friends tomorrow. He had been forced to stay back an extra day than the rest of us because of his job, but it had worked out that his two best friends that had practically grown up in our house were able to make it with him for yet another year. Right now it was just myself with my parents and my other brother, Sean, who was one year younger than me and four years behind Clay.

We had always been a fairly close family, considering us kids weren't too far apart in age, but everyone knew the special place my older brother held in my heart. I'd looked up to him ever since I could walk, and he'd been my idol for as long as I could remember.

My mom finally returned to the cabin a while later, and the three of us were still sitting around the dinner table, waiting. She'd taken longer than we'd expected her to, so the food had been sitting at the table for a few minutes, getting cold. When she finally walked inside, my dad stood up with a sigh of relief.

"Just in time," he told her with a smile. "The food's getting cold!"

Mom didn't smile, and I noticed the trails down her cheeks, left behind from tears that she hadn't bothered to wipe away. She had always been the emotional one in our family, tearing up on the occasional sappy movie ending or when she moved my brother and I to our college dorms for the first time, and it had always been with a smile on her face to show us all that everything was okay. But this time was obviously different, and before any of us had a chance to say anything else, she spoke.

"I have some bad news," she said, her voice very soft.

Immediately all of us were apprehensive, and followed her example as she took a seat at the table. I remember making eye contact with Sean, who looked like he was going to jump out of his skin if mom didn't tell us what was going on soon.

"Honey," my dad said, reaching out and taking mom's hand. "What's going on?"

Mom lifted her head and looked at him, then glanced at my brother and me. "The boys were in an accident last night," she told us.

My heart immediately skipped a beat at the thought, and I felt my breath get caught in my throat when I thought about my brother possibly not being all right.

"What?" Sean asked immediately, and I could tell by his voice that he didn't want to believe it. "They're okay, right?"

When my mom didn't answer, I knew. The tears were streaming down my face before she even told us and my dad wrapped an arm around my shoulder as Sean just stared in disbelief at my mom, who was struggling to remain calm.

"Jarrod and Ryan are in intensive care," she told us, comfortingly, "but the doctors think they'll pull through."

I sat in my chair, frozen, ignoring the sobs that were causing my body to shake and the tears that were blurring my vision. I wanted to ask how Clay was, whether he would be in the hospital with his friends or if he had come out of the accident in better condition, but I couldn't form the words fast enough. Instead I watched my mom take a deep breath before she uttered the words that would change my whole life.

"Clay didn't make it."

***

On August 7th we buried him, and it felt like my whole world was ending.

For a long time I refused to believe that Clay was really gone. I sat in his room for hours on end, remembering things about him and memories we had shared. It just didn't make sense to me. How could he be gone? He was just here. He couldn't be dead, I tried telling myself.

But he was, and there was nothing I could do to change that.