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Imitation of Life (Howie)

"Tell me about the day the world ended."

I was only a few minutes late.



Sometimes I feel like our existence is really just an imitation of life. It’s like…we eat, we breathe, we sleep, we laugh, we cry, we love…but we don’t really get to *live*. I know you’ll think I’m just being whiney here, and won’t be terribly sympathetic--we signed ourselves up for this life after all--but we don’t get to have the life that most people take for granted. Sure we get to do things that most people would find amazing like travel the world and sing in front of millions. And I can’t say that being rich doesn’t have its advantages. But the trade off is that we spend most of our time shut up our homes or in hotel rooms or on busses or planes. We can’t really go out in public and enjoy a normal life. When we do go out, we have to take along security and for sure be spotted, or attempt to go out solo and risk being caught in a mob situation. A simple trip to the grocery store can turn into a fiasco if we get noticed. So days that we get to at least pretend to have normal lives are treasured.

That day…it seemed like the perfect day, you know?

We got to sleep in. I mean actually sleep until we woke up naturally and everything. You don't know how rare that is. Usually it's like even on our non-concert days on tour there's always something we have to be doing--whether it be getting up and boarding a plane to get to the next city or stopping in to a local radio station for an interview or a meet and greet. Stuff like that. But we had nothing scheduled except one little interview that night. Otherwise it was a free day. If not for that interview we probably would have all been flying home or something since we didn't have anything scheduled for the next couple weeks due to the holidays and all. But that last obligation kept us from going our own separate ways for that one last day.

It was all my idea to go shopping…well, as a group anyway. Brian and Leighanne were already going to go because they wanted to pick up some last minute Christmas gifts for Jenny and Jordan. As if those two didn't have enough presents coming to them already! They were getting several gifts from each of us guys and I swear Leigh and Bri must have bought out at least one whole toy store. The twins were definitely raking it in this year. But it was their first Christmas with the Littrells, so I guess we can forgive Bri and Leigh (and the rest of us for that matter) for going a little overboard. But still Brian wanted to pick up just a couple more things. He was so worried about making this a memorable Christmas, you know? I think they were worried that the twins still weren't really accepting them as parents. Not that they were trying to buy the kids' affection or anything, but...they wanted the twins to start building some really good memories with them and stuff like that.

Except for finding something for my sister, I was done with my gift-buying already, but I figured it could be a fun afternoon if we all went out. Despite what everyone seems to assume, we don't really all get together and do stuff that isn't work related all that often. Of course we see each other now and then, and maybe a couple of us get together to do dinner or something but really, unless we're on tour we're rarely all five in the same place at the same time. That’s actually for the best, because after spending day after day, week after week with each other, we’re usually all beyond ready for some time apart. Truth be told, by that last day before the holidays, we were all getting punchy and needed time away from the road and from each other. If I hadn't run into Nick that morning, I imagine we all would have gladly gone our own ways for the day, too, but when I ran into him in the hall and saw how down he was, I changed my mind. It was going to be a day to forget about how much we needed a break and a day to try and keep Nick from sliding into one of his infamous funks.

As it turned out, he'd gotten into a fight with his mom again. She wanted him to fly out to spend Christmas at home. He only had four days off before he had to be back in New York to film an appearance on that show...that sitcom thing he was supposed to be on, remember? So he just wanted to go home and take a couple days to be by himself and relax.

"Do you really want to be alone on Christmas?" I asked him.

He sighed and shook his head. "No...not really. I just know if I go there I'm not going to get any rest, you know? And then I have to fly back here and film, and then we start the tour back up again. I just *really* need a break, Howie," he told me, and the dark rings that were forming under his eyes confirmed it. Though many people would probably not feel much sympathy toward him, I totally understood. What so many people don’t seem to understand is that while we’re on tour, our schedules get pretty bad at times, and he was absolutely exhausted.

Poor kid. I smiled. It was hard not to think of Nick as a kid, even though he was almost 24 years old and was a lot bigger than me. I nodded understandingly. We'd been through this before many times. When he was younger and the most "in demand" of all of us his schedule used to be so bad that he'd go months without so much as a day to himself. But then when he did get more than a day off at a time, he'd get bored and drive himself (and everyone else) crazy.

"Okay, so...you'd rather go home, sit alone in that house of yours, and go crazy after one day?" I asked, giving him a look to let him know I didn't buy it. I knew Nick. Sure, he thought he wanted to be alone, but usually he can stand that for about half a day and then starts getting restless and lonely. He'd definitely be missing his family come Christmas morning.

Nick let out a little chuckle. "Okay, you're right. Maybe I should go home." I looked at him pointedly and he laughed outright. "Maybe!"

Which meant he was going to go, but was too stubborn to admit it yet. Which also meant that he was probably going to spend the day moping about it if we didn't keep him busy. "So...you want to go shopping with Bri and Leigh? Maybe we can convince Kev and AJ to join us and everything. Make a day of it."

Nick looked doubtful and I knew why.

Going out as a group, of course, is a challenge as I'm sure you can imagine. When we're alone it's at least somewhat possible to disguise ourselves and blend in with the crowds. When we're together, though, it's about infinitely harder to do that. We'll still do what we can to disguise ourselves, but there's no way that we count on that to fool everyone. So we usually go to areas that are less populated, areas where nobody would really expect to find us. It's a little easier in the winter because we can bundle up with hats and scarves and everything. It wasn't foolproof, but it usually allowed us at least a little while before someone spotted us. It being the last full shopping day before Christmas also helped because most people who were out were so completely intent on getting their shopping done that they didn't really notice the people around them that much. But, of course, Nick was nervous about getting busted anyway. All of us got mobbed and everything, but usually he got it the worst. With a little convincing and the fact that both AJ and Kevin agreed to go, though, Nick agreed and we were set.

“Everybody ready?” AJ asked as he bounded into the lobby with his girlfriend, Hannah, in tow.

“Just about,” Brian informed him. “We’re waiting for Nick, and there’s…just a few…minor details.” He held up Jordan’s coat as he’d done several times in the time we’d been waiting in the lobby for everyone to gather. “Come on, Jordy…”

“Don’t want to. Too hot.” Jordan shook his head defiantly.

“That’s only inside, sweetie,” Leighanne assured him. “Outside it’s a lot colder and you’ll need your coat.”

Jordan looked at her skeptically.

“Don’t want mine, either,” Jenny announced as she started struggling to get her coat, which Leighanne had just finished getting on her, off.

“Oh no you don’t,” Leighanne grabbed her hands and stuffed them into her mittens, making it much harder for the little girl to remove the offending winter gear.

Brian was getting frustrated as he tried to convince Jordan to put the coat on.

About that time, Nick came strolling across the lobby. He grinned as he watched Jordan once again refusing the coat. “Heeeey, now that’s a cool jacket,” he said smoothly, taking it from Brian’s hands and holding it up as though examining it. “I gotta get me one like this.” Years of dealing with younger siblings had obviously taught him a few tricks.

Jordan looked up at the coat that Nick was holding as if he were seeing it in a whole new light.

“Want help putting it on?” Nick asked, looking down at the little blonde boy that could easily have passed for his own child, or at least a little brother. (In fact, there were more than a few rumors out that had the twins pegged as the product of an affair between Leighanne and Nick but don’t bring that up around either of them--or Brian--or they’re likely to kill you. And it’s entirely beside the point…moving on.)

Jordan nodded, holding up his arms obediently so Nick could outfit him with the coat.

“Thanks,” Brian whispered as he followed Nick out the door a few minutes later, his fully winterized children skipping ahead of them.

We still took along security, of course. Not full detail, though they were on standby and only a phone call away. Ron and Gerard went with us. And Mike came, but he headed off on his own to do his shopping. He kept the two-way on so he could be alerted if there were any trouble, though.

The morning passed pretty much without incident. A woman recognized Kevin while we were in this little candle shop, but after he quietly gave her his autograph she left without raising a scene.

We did get noticed when we stopped for a late lunch, of course. It would be hard to miss such a large party sitting together, and we couldn’t exactly keep our coats and hats and stuff on. Fortunately there weren't that many fans around, so we were able to just sit and chat and sign a few things and that was it. No mob grabbing us or pulling at us or anything. And thank God no screaming! Just a nice little fan encounter. If only they could all be like that!

“So, we’ve got about an hour left before we have to get back to the hotel and change for the interview,” Kevin informed us all as we wrapped up eating. “Does everyone have all their shopping done?”

“I still want to hit some of the clothes shops,” I replied. I’d found a great vintage phonograph thing at the Stereo King so I finally had my sister’s gift, but some of the stuff in the windows had caught my eye. “And I still have to go back and pick up Polly’s gift at the stereo shop.”

Bri and Leigh glanced at each other, then at their twins who were gleefully flicking peas from their plates at each other and at Nick, who equally gleefully fired them back. Nick smiled angelically as he noticed Leighanne giving him a slightly amused but disapproving look.

“We still need to do a little bit of shopping…you know…um…adult stuff,” Brian announced in an attempt to disguise the fact that he and Leigh wanted to sneak off to do a little bit more twin shopping. Of course his choice of words set AJ and Nick into a fit of hysterics and caused Brian to turn a bright shade of red.

It only took Jordan’s innocent, “I don’t get it,” spoken in the most solemn tone the five year old could muster to set Kevin, Hannah, and I off as well.

Leighanne rolled her eyes at the whole scene, though it was quite obvious that she was amused as well. “Honestly,” she haughtily grumbled, only the sparkle in her eyes letting on that she was less than annoyed. She was completely used to the gutter minds of our group.

“Honestly,” Jenny echoed as she stood up on her chair, her hands on her hips, looking at the adults at the table with disapproval. Nick absently reached up and placed a steadying hand on the back of her shirt, making sure she wouldn’t fall.

“Maybe…one of us should go?” Leighanne turned to Brian. “You could stay with the twins.”

Brian frowned slightly. “I dunno…I kind of wanted to…”

“We could watch them,” Nick offered.

Leighanne looked at him, doubtful. Probably thinking about the peas that adorned the area around the table.

“I used to watch my sisters and Aaron,” he assured her. “It’s only an hour.”

“And I’ll watch him,” Kevin added, giving her a knowing look.

“And I’ll watch him,” AJ added with a cackle. “Whaaat?” he asked indignantly as Hannah gave him a cynical look.

“I don’t know…” Leighanne still wasn’t convinced. As she and Brian started quietly discussing their options, Nick got up and started helping Jenny get her winter coat, hat, mittens and scarf on. No sooner was he done helping her, Jordan was there, pressing his winter apparel into Nick’s hands. Nick grinned as he looked over and noticed Brian watching him help the little boy get willingly into his winter gear.

“It’ll be just an hour,” Brian said in a voice that indicated that he’d decided he approved of the arrangement. He nodded his head toward Nick and the kids to get Leigh to see the way they were responding to Nick.

“Don’t worry,” Hannah consoled Leighanne, “I’ll be there, too.” Leighanne did visibly relax at those words.

“Well…we should get going, then.” Brian got up from the table and looked at Leighanne expectantly.

“Yeah, I’m gonna head off too,” I agreed. “Unless any of you wants to join me?”

“Nu uh. No clothes shop,” Jenny protested, looking at Nick as if hoping he’d rescue her from a fate worse than death. Where’s the love?

“Sorry, guy, I think we’re gonna have to skip the clothes and go check out the game room,” Nick replied.

“How torturous for you,” Kevin chuckled. “But there’s a book store right next to there that I want to check out, so I’ll go with you.”

“And um…there’s somewhere I need to go, too,” AJ said, looking at Hannah with a strange expression on his face. “If you all could excuse me for a bit?”

Hannah smirked, realizing that he was specifically meaning her. “I dunno, Aje. Leave me alone and I might just run off with Howie or something.”

“Yeah, right!”

“No offense taken,” I muttered good-naturedly.

“Don’t worry, Aje. I’ll watch her for ya,” Nick said slyly, draping his arm around her shoulders. She leaned her head against his shoulder and waggled her eyebrows at AJ. She laughed as AJ’s eyes narrowed in mock jealousy.

“Hands off my woman.”

Hannah cleared her throat. “Um…*your woman*?”

AJ shrugged, not taking the bait. “So…I’ll meet you guys back here in an hour or so?”

“Actually, Howie still needs to go back to the Stereo King, right?” Hannah glanced at me for confirmation. “Why don’t we just meet up there? It’s closer to where the vans are parked.”

“It’s a plan,” Kevin said. “Stereo King in one hour.” He looked at each of us pointedly, wordlessly warning us not to be even a minute late. “And I mean one hour,” he added, just in case we didn’t already get that.

Then came the problem of only having two of the security detail with us. Brian and Leighanne asked Ron to go with them to help carry packages and they took off as soon as we had our meeting place picked.

AJ requested that Gerard go with him, and I figured I’d probably be safe enough by myself since I wouldn’t have anyone with me to help draw attention, so I suggested that we radio Mike to have him meet up with Kevin and Nick.

Nick waved his hand to dismiss the idea. “Nah, we’ll be fine. Nobody’s really bugged us so far today, anyway,” he rationalized. Despite all his experiences getting mobbed, he’s still the most likely to ditch security. Go figure.

“At least take a radio with you,” Gerard insisted, pulling his from his belt and handing it to Kevin. “If it even looks like trouble, don’t hesitate to call Ron and Mike. Be sure to use this button and it’ll call the other two-ways. If you get into any situation you can’t handle, you press this button,” he instructed, explaining how it would connect them to police dispatch so not to use it unless they felt it was absolutely necessary for police involvement.

I headed off as Gerard continued his safety talk with the guys. I had only an hour, and there were several shops I wanted to hit.

I was right about being able to move around unnoticed. Alone in public and able to act like the normal guy I am. It was the perfect Christmas present to myself: an afternoon of normalcy. And I enjoyed every moment of it.

So much so, that I forgot about watching the time. More than an hour had passed before I even realized it.

I was only a few minutes late, though.

Just a few stupid minutes.

I ran the whole way to Stereo King once I noticed the time. Kevin was going to be lecturing me for sure. The place was supposed to close right at five, too, and I hadn’t picked up my sister’s gift. Damn it! With any luck they’d either stay open a couple extra minutes or maybe one of the guys had been nice enough to notice I was late and go in to claim it for me. I grimaced as I saw Kevin waiting outside the shop. He didn’t smile as I came to a halt a few feet away. “Sorry,” I panted, trying to smooth things over. “I didn’t notice the time…”

He nodded, looking tired. “It’s okay,” he assured me tensely. He hated it when things didn’t go smoothly. But I was only a few minutes late. We’d still make it to the interview with time to spare. It wasn’t a problem.

“Where are the others?”

“Nick, Hannah, and the kids are inside. The others aren’t here yet,” he replied irritably. I felt much better. At least I wasn’t the last one to show up.

“I have to go in and get--"

Kevin cut me off by handing me a box. “I got it for you. We thought the store was about to close so we went in.” He looked over to the shop.

I smiled gratefully. “Thanks.”

He handed me the two-way. “Wait out here for the others will you? I’m going to get Nick. At the very least three of us can still get to the interview on time.”

I looked over at the shop. It was several minutes past closing time. Nick had probably talked the clerk into letting him and the kids stay inside since it was getting so cold out. I swear that kid could talk just about anyone into anything. I sat down on the nearest bench to wait while Kevin disappeared into the store.

“Hey, Howie!” AJ came trotting up to me a couple minutes later and plopped down on the bench next to me. He looked at me expectantly, and I could just see that he was dying to tell me something. I smiled suspiciously and looked at him questioningly. He looked up at Gerard, then back at me, his grin getting wider. “I did it.”

“Did what?”

“I got it. The ring. I’m gonna do it.” He glanced around nervously then pulled a small box from his pocket. “Tonight after the interview. We’re going out, right?” He paused though it wasn’t really a question. “So, I’m going to take her to Chez Whatchamacallit. It’s a classy place, right?” I nodded, amused by his failure to even remember the name of the place where he planned to propose marriage. “So, I figure, we’ll eat, maybe dance a little, then I’ll order some dessert and have the waiter put the ring in--"

“Don’t do it,” I laughed cutting him off. “What if she doesn’t see it and she swallows that thing, man?”

“Oh, good point. Not in the dessert. Champagne? She’d see it there, right? Yeah. Okay so we’ll get Champagne and strawberries.” He paused for a few moments, then looked at me, his face serious for a moment. “I’m going to marry her, D.” I can’t remember the last time I’d seen him so happy.

“Congrats, J.”

“Where is she?” He looked around as he pushed the box back into his pocket.

“She’s inside. Kevin went in to get her, Nick, and the twins.” I nodded toward the store.

“I’m gonna go in. You coming?”

“No, I’ve got to wait out here in case Brian shows up. The store’s closed, though, I think. They should be right out. Kevin went in several minutes ago…” He should have been out by now. Maybe they were just waiting in there until Brian came. Stay out of the cold and all.

“’K. Well, be right back.” He headed into the store, Gerard trailing behind him.

I folded my arms across my chest and fought off the shivers that were trying to take over. The chill in the air had gotten more severe in the past few minutes, and it was starting to snow just a little. I looked longingly over at the shop, wondering if I should just go in, too. Brian knew where we were meeting; he’d know to come inside. Or, hell, I could just stand in front of the door and watch for him.

I waited outside about two more minutes then got up and headed toward the shop. It was just too cold to sit outside any longer, and the snow was actually starting to pick up a little. If everyone else was going to stand inside, so was I.

I was just to the door when I heard a weird popping noise. Kind of like fireworks. Coming from inside the store. I paused at the door, the hairs on the back of my neck standing up on end. Something was horribly wrong; I could feel it in my gut.

I pressed my hand to the glass on the door and tried to peer inside, but couldn’t see anything. Very cautiously I pulled the door open, slipping in as quietly as I could. Nobody was at the front of the store. Not even the store clerk. I glanced around, trying to figure out were the others were. No sign of any of them. Not AJ or Gerard, not Hannah or the twins. I frowned. I couldn’t even hear the twins. They were not exactly known to be quiet. The feeling in the pit of my stomach started to spread.

What was that popping sound? I knew what it sounded like. But it couldn’t have been that. It just couldn’t.

I moved as silently as I could toward the back of the store, keeping a lookout for anyone. They had to be playing some sort of trick on me. I was tempted to call out and ask, but...what if it wasn’t a trick? What if…I should really go back outside. Call Mike and Ron on the two-way. Yeah, that’s what I should do. Maybe nothing was going on. Maybe. But maybe…

I hesitated. It was then that I saw a movement out of the corner of my eye. I turned to see what it was and spotted a mirror. A mirror that reflected the back of the store. I felt my blood turn to ice at the image I saw. Oh god. That couldn’t be real. I turned away and saw the mirror on the opposite wall reflecting something much the same.

I felt the box fall from my hands as I stared in utter shock. The sound of the phonograph hitting the floor seemed loud enough to wake the dead.

“Howie, get out!” I heard a voice--I thought maybe Kevin’s but it sounded miles away so I wasn’t sure--yell at me.

I didn’t have to be told twice. I turned and fled, bursting out the door even as I fumbled to get the two-way turned on. I could hear several voices yelling at me to stop, and heard that same popping noise somewhere behind me, but tried not to think of the implications. I didn’t have time to. I needed to do something. I needed to get help. Which button was it that I was supposed to press on the radio? I hadn’t paid that much attention to what Gerard had told Kevin. Oh god oh god ohgodohgodohgod. I pressed all of the buttons. “Help. You have to help,” I gasped out. “My friends…they need help.” I kept babbling into the two-way, pressing other buttons, trying to get anyone to respond. I slipped on the snowy pavement and crashed to the ground, the two-way flying from my hands.

“--hear me? You need to release the button to hear me. Can you hear me sir?”

I scrambled to pick up the radio and pressed the button again. “Sorry. I hear you now.” I released the button. I looked back toward the store. Nobody else had come out. Oh god oh god.

“Please state your emergency,” the woman on the radio said. A police dispatcher, I figured.

“Howie!? Where are you guys? What’s going on?” Ron. Oh thank god. “Repeat where are you?”

“Need the police. Kevin, AJ…they’re all inside still. These guys have guns…”

There was a long pause before Ron’s voice came again. “Don’t scare me like that, Howie,” he let out a little chuckle.

“Sir, this is the police dispatch channel. If this is not an emergency--"

“No joke,” I whispered. “I think someone’s been shot…and this guy…” I closed my eyes but the images from the mirror were stuck in my head. Nick was crouched on the floor with his arms protectively around the twins, holding them so that their faces were turned into him rather than witnessing the scene around them. Next to him was Hannah, looking pale and thoroughly terrified. That was the better of the two images I saw.

The other was too unbelievable.

“Sir, where are you?”

“The Stereo King…down on…I don’t know where we are!” I looked around frantically for a street sign. “There isn’t a sign. No signs!” I could feel myself starting to panic. “There um…a Giatti’s and…Nathan’s.”

“We’re at the pedestrian mall on Hamilton,” Ron’s voice clarified. “The Stereo King, Howie?”

“Yes. They’re in there. They’re all in there.”

“Who’s in there, sir?” the dispatcher asked.

“My friends. And…this guy. He…” I squeezed my eyes shut trying to block out the image from the mirror’s reflection. “He had a gun.”

“You say he shot somebody?”

“I think so. I don’t know. I just…I saw him. I heard shots.” I knew I wasn’t being terribly coherent, but I couldn’t think straight. All I could think about was that damn reflection.

Kevin Richardson on his knees with a gun aimed at the back of his head.

Oh god. The popping sound as I ran from the store. What if…?

I dropped the two-way as I bit my lip and covered my ears as if that would block out everything.

It couldn’t be happening.

It should have been me in there. Or maybe if I’d been on time, none of us would have been there. I know it’s useless to think like that, but I had 27 days to think about it. People were dead. People I knew. And just maybe I could have prevented it. Instead I’d been off enjoying myself, pretending to have a real life not just the imitation I often felt like I had.

But I’ll tell you something:

Reality sucks.

I was only a few minutes late.

First session assessment: Patient displays strong feelings of guilt for an event over which there was no control. He as agreed to return for future sessions to work on this issue.