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The next day I was sure to be at the studio early. I got there almost thirty minutes before everyone else. Once the boys streamed in, I sat in the corner and became a silent observer. I was curious how long it would take any of them to acknowledge that I was there. I watched as Kevin came in with muffin in one hand and coffee in the other, closely followed by Brian. A.J. was the next one to enter followed by Howie. I watched as Howie and J exchanged warm hugs and couldn't help but smile only because the old J would never let you be that touchy feely with him. I watched as Kevin and Brian laughed about something that happened at their get together last night, and I watched as the four of them stood around the catered table joking, and talking. They all looked so natural together. I felt as if I was invading their space.

I was broken out of my thoughts by Howie.

"How long have you been sitting there kid?"

"Yeah Nick, why are you in the corner are you in trouble or something?" Of course J had to get his two cents in. I suddenly felt all eyes on me. I didn't like it.

"Sorry, I got here early and am just zoning out."

"Well, that's a new one, Nick zoning out huh?" Kevin said as he chuckled under his breath and went back to eating his muffin.

Now that my hiding place was discovered, I decided to get up and try to reacquaint myself with the four guys I admired so much. I picked up the bag I had brought and made my way over to A.J.

"Hi J, I brought you something" A.J. turned to me and gave me a strange look before noticing that I was holding a gift bag.

"Woah dude what's this for?"

"Your anniversary J.Congrats on being sober for a year. I'm sorry I missed the party." I then handed the bag to him and gave him a hug. I was a little relieved when I felt the hug returned. I bought him a great cowboy hat I found while I was in Sweden, I knew it would be perfect for him. He took it out of the bag, placed it on his head and gave me a smile.

"How does it look? Do I look like a pimp daddy?"

I laughed. "Yeah J, you look like a pimp daddy" I then slowly made my way over to Brian.

"Hey Brian how's things?" He looked up at me and then quickly looked down again avoiding eye contact completely.

"Good, how about with you?"

"Great" then there it was for the first time in the almost ten years that I had known him; an awkward silence. We stood there just kind of looking at each other for about five minutes before A.J. came over and saved us.

"Hey Rok, did you see the hat Nick gave me?"

Brian glanced at it and said, "Nice."

"It's my anniversary present."

Brian then looked straight at me and said "Well, he should have shown up on that day to give it to you" and then he walked away.

"Don't mind him Nick, Rok's just being pissy."

I just stood there almost in shock. I felt lost and hurt.

The rest of the session was okay, it went by pretty quickly because we had a lot to do. During breaks I chose to sit alone and read instead of exchanging uncomfortable silence with the guys. Howie walked up to me, sat down and made me put down the book I was reading.

"You want to go out tonight?"

"Sure. Is it all of us?"

"No man, just you and I. J stays away from clubs and the other two married folk are officially boring." I felt angry, was the only reason he asked me to go with him because no one else was available? After thinking about it for a couple of minutes I said "Okay I'm in"
He then got up and said "Good, it will be nice. We have a lot to catch up on"

Before we left the studio, j came up behind me and gave me another hug."Thanks again Kaos. See you tomorrow. Behave yourself with Howard, I don't want to bail anyone out of jail tonight."

I laughed "Very funny Bone" yea, we were back to bone and Kaos. Maybe things would be okay after all.



During my run as a famous guy, I have had so many people read an article or two about me and assume that they knew me better than myself. Some things reported are actually pretty close to the truth like that I'm always late for everything or that I enjoy playing pranks. Both of those things are correct, although, the last time I really played a prank on the guys, I think I was like 18 or something. Most of the things people write about us in the fluffy magazine's like Bop or 16, are totally bogus. I might mention once that I kind of like the color green, only because they press you about it and suddenly the next thing you know I get green this or green that. I would like to once have the courage to stand up to the press people during an interview or press conference and say "Okay people, I hate green, my feet don't smell,Willa never beat me up and I'm not dumb" That would never happen because, I am shy. I hate public speaking. That's why I always say dumbass things when put on the spot. No matter how many times we rehearse it, what exactly I'm going to say, I still end up sounding like an idiot. I used to really care about what everyone thought of me but over the years I have become much more cynical.

One thing that I even played into was the whole Frick and Frack thing. One day probably about 5 or 6 years ago. Brian and I were, I don't even remember, I think we were making fun of Kevin or something and we kept finishing each other's sentences.Howie said we were just like Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, but Bone was quick to point out that we were to skinny for those nicknames. "Okay how about Frick and Frack" When Kevin said that we both looked at each other and cracked up. The next day as a joke Brian had two hats made for us his said Frick and mine said Frack. Two weeks later the nicknames were all but forgotten except that a paparazzi guy happened to take a picture of us wearing those and soon we were eternally marked with those names. I enjoyed it. I think Brian did too. We never actually called each other that even though we were inseparable. That was also true. Brian was my best friend, the guy I went to for advice, to hang out with and to bitch with. I had had fights over the years with everyone but I seldom ever fought with him. The years went by and we have drifted apart but never to the point that I couldn't even call him Rok. Today, at the studio, I reached that point. It felt so weird. I was startled out of my thoughts by a knock on the door. I opened up to see Howie and Kevin.



"What are you doing here?"

"Nice to see you too Nick, Jeez what a nice welcoming"

I didn't mean to offend Kevin, I just wasn't expecting him to be here. Kevin as if reading my thoughts said "Kristin had to head back to N.Y a day early so I thought I'd join you guys. Is that okay?"

'Of course man" I was kind of happy that Kev was coming. I missed his company.

We decided to go have a late supper at a posh restaurant instead of going out to a club which was fine by me. I was hungry and ever since my arrest, I liked to stay as far away from clubs as possible. The owner of the restaurant gave us a table all the way in the back. We had our own private room. No fans or press. I was a little uneasy at first but soon, being with my two oldest brothers felt very comforting. I always had a special bond with those two guys. Kevin has been supportive of me every step of my career. The good as well as the bad. He put up with my hot temper, mood swings and pompous attitude when none of the other guys did. I never respected him for that until I was old enough to realize just how much he meant to me. Howie was the same way. I have always picked on him the most but believe it or not, He has been the most protective of me, even more so than Kevin at times. People give Howie a hard time because he is small and quiet but out of all of us, he could really beat the crap out of someone if he wanted to.

The rest of dinner was spent talking about how things have been for the last few months. I wasn't sure if I should bring up my album or not. Part of me wanted to burst out and talk about how excited I was but now I wasn't sure if they cared to know or not. I decided it would be best if I didn't bring it up unless they asked and was a bit disappointed when they didn't. We did have a good time though. I started to feel comfortable around them and decided to ask about Brian.

"So, Brian seems upset about something, he hasn't been acting like himself for the last few days. Is everything okay with him?" I knew I was taking the weasely way out of asking if Bri was mad at me, but hey I needed some kind of info.

"No, actually Brian's doing real well, he hasn't seemed odd to me. What about you Kev?"

"Nick, he just feels betrayed that's all. You have to admit, you've been pretty selfish about this whole thing"

So there it was, suddenly dinner took an unpleasant turn and I found myself getting defensive.

"Excuse me? You know you guys told me to go ahead and go for it. I had your full support you said. So, what the hell happened to that?"

Howie could tell I was getting upset. Not angry more hurt.

"Nicky, don't get upset, you asked and Kevin told you. We do support you, you must realize that right? Now come on and let's not fight tonight. We had a great dinner, let's not leave on a sour note." Howie was right, I didn't feel like getting mad. I was too tired. We finished our meals and made our way back to Howie's where we talked about life, love and happiness. No more mention of Brian or my solo career.

The words Kevin said etched in my brain as I rode back to the hotel. Selfish? wasn't that the word that showed up in most of my hate mail? Why would Brian be talking about me anyway? I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep tonight. Too many negative thoughts going on. My cellphone rang as I entered my room.

"Hello? Hello? is anyone there?" must have been the wrong number. I headed to my bathroom to brush my teeth and froze in my tracks when I saw the front door. Taped on the inside of the front door was an envelope. I felt my heart skip a beat as I approached it and wondered how it could have possibly been put there. When I noticed that the front of the letter said Mizpah I realized that for the first time in quite awhile, I found myself scared for my life.