- Text Size +
Daddy don't you understand the damage you have done
For you it's just a memory but for me it still lives on



"Well, I wish I was there for you." Brian said, which surprised me, because after all those years, I felt a wall between all of us.


"It's not our fault." AJ said.

"It's our fucking parents." Howie gritted. I thought I had too much anger, I think Howie had more.

"They're your parents D." Brian said, as if Howie forgot. Nobody could ever forget their family, I know I didn't. No matter what happened to me, I still love my mom and father.

"That's cause your parents are still together, you're in a fucking happy family." Howie said. Brian took another sip of his Evian, choosing not to defend himself. I wasn't sure if the others saw it, but I thought I saw a depressed young man starring into nothingness. He reminded me of me.

"If I have a decent mom like yours, I'd be happy too." Howie continued. "If Nick has a decent mother maybe Aaron would still recognize us as cousins."

"Jane's a good mother." I said. I got irritated when they said my mom was a bad mother. She was a bad wife, didn't mean she was a bad mother. Those secret calls to her, she would tell the things that I wanted to hear, she would sing to me and gave me a lot of good advices. The only thing she couldn't do was to take me back. That was her only weakness.

"She cheated on Bob, Nick! How can you say she's a good mother?" Howie snapped.

"My father's no angel either." I said.

"He didn't cheat on his wife man. He's not the whore." I clenched my fists. Normally, I would have my fist somewhere on his face by now, I wasn't known for my patience in school. But today was Marcus' big day, I wasn't about to ruin it because my cousin thought he knew everything about me when we had been lost for years.

"No he isn't, he married one."

AJ laughed. "That's a good one, reminds me of my dad. He married a whore too."

"I don't think Julia's gonna like it if she heard that." Kevin chuckled.

"Do I look like I give shit?" AJ snickered.

"Women are Satan in disguise man." Howie sighed. I begged to differ, but decided I would keep my mouth shut for now.

"Is that why you're like this?" AJ asked. I didn't think I understood what he said and by the looks the guys were giving, they didn't seem to have any idea either.

"Like what?" Howie asked defensively.

"Nothing." AJ said, shaking his head. "Forget it."

Howie seemed contented enough to leave it at that. The waiter came for my drink, finally. I thanked him and took a small sip just because I was contemplating on leaving but didn't know how to be polite about it.

"Well, men aren't really angel either." I said. "I mean, I'm no angel."

"I know my dad's no angel," AJ smiled. "or my mom for that matter."

"At least she took you back." I reminded him. Mine didn't. Even though she loved me, she didn't take me back.

"Taking me back doesn't make it okay Nick. Look at Josh and Max, you think they're happy living with my mother right now? They'd rather go back to our father, at least he didn't hide the fact that he'd rather not have us around."

"Yeah Nick, look at AJ and I, doesn't mean it's gonna be okay if they take you back. I rather she left me with dad." Kevin said.

"If only he's not crazy, I think you'd still be with your dad." Howie said. I wondered when did the sweet, nice Howie turned so ugly. Kevin only nodded, which only got me frustrated.

"Think about it Nick, you think you're gonna be happier with Jane? Look at Anthony man. Think your step-father's gonna be fine and dandy with you around? He's too…up there. And you have your step-brother and sister to think about. Think Jane still have time for you? They're one fucking happy family now man, you're not in it."

"Shut the fuck up man." That was Brian. He was shaking his head and staring at his drink.

"You shut the fuck up Brian. You don't know how it's like, you have it easy."

"That doesn't give you the rights to talk that way about his parents! You don't know anything for sure, fuck it AJ, we've not talk to each other for like ten years and you think you know what's been going on with all of us?"

"He's just showing Nick here the truth man," Howie said. "unlike you, Nick can't afford to dream. They don't come."

"You don't know that." Kevin said. "Good things can still happen."

"In your dreams." Howie snapped.

I hated quarrels like this. My childhood was filled with them and it didn't help when I started dating girls. When they started acting all weird and I couldn't understand them and they started banging car doors and yelling at my face that they were disappointed in me. I couldn't take that. It scares me. The fear got bigger after that visit to our family doctor when I was fifteen.

I came back home and went straight to our room. Aaron was doing his homework. I crawled up to bed and cuddled myself, facing the wall, wishing that that day didn't happen at all. But walls weren't that thick in father's home.

"The doc said the cyst is back."

"Your son had it coming."

"What do you mean?"

"He shouldn't be running around all the time! Now he's gonna have to go and remove it again and it's going to cost!"

"I know, but he's my son."

"He's also Jane's son. Why don't you ask her to pay some of it?"

"She just had a baby honey, and I don't want her to gloat around just because her husband can give her the money to help us out."

"Just tell her Nick's going for surgery, if she has any sense at all, she'll offer to pay half of it."

It ended in a quarrel. A mix of banging doors, yelling and screaming and the sound of broken glasses. I knew dad left after that, he always leave when he had a fight with Maria, leaving her alone to vent her anger on us. The only reason why she didn't come into our room that day was because I was sick, she couldn't lay her hands on me. She was smart, she knew she wouldn't be able to explain herself for the bruises when the doctors start asking.

I remembered crying as quietly as I could that day. I realized I was a burden to my father. I blamed myself for not trying good enough to be a better son. I often ask God why he had given me this cyst. Why he had me suffering with this pain while my friends stayed healthy and had parents who love them. I kept asking if HE hated me for some reason.

My grades were falling, I kept to myself most of the time while Aaron just said yes to everything father and Maria asked of him. He kept his grades up and never asked for anything. He didn't seem to mind that father didn't buy him the latest toys or brought us to holidays during summer breaks. But Aaron always asked me the very question I kept asking myself. He asked about mom.

At night, when we couldn't go to sleep, he would climb down from his bed and slept with me and we would talk.

"Nicky, did you talk to mom today?"

"Yeah, but she's busy."

"Are we spending summer with her and Uncle Tony?"

"No, she's busy."

"Did she ask about me?"

"Of course squirt, she misses you."

"But she's too busy for us."

"Yeah. But she loves us."

"I love her too."

I went for that surgery two weeks later. Dad called mom to tell her that I was going, he didn't tell her that he needed money. Mom didn't offer either. When I woke up after that surgery, the first person I saw was Aunt Becky and grandma. They told me that mom couldn't come because she had the baby to take care of.

Maria came to take me home a week later because father had to work. She let me sit in the shotgun because she knew I loved sitting there. Ever since she came into my father's life, she had been the one sitting in the shotgun while Aaron and I would be at the back. I was pretty surprised to say the least.

"Can you take care of yourself better Nick? We can't afford to have that cyst coming back, your father's spending all his saving on you and that's bad. We have nothing to eat if he keeps sending you back to the hospital."

"I'm sorry, it won't happen again."

"Good. And keep the grades up, your teacher's asking for us to come see them because you keep failing and we can't afford to take a day off just to sit around listening how bad you are at school. And if you call your mother, tell her to send you some money. You know she has a baby now right?"

"I know."

"She has a baby and a rich husband and she thinks she can forget about you two. She didn't even offer to pay for your hospital stay, what kind of a mother is she? And your father keep working hard to pay for your bills and hardly have time for me and I'm stuck with you and your brother. I love your father, but I didn't ask for two sons. I'm sure you didn't ask for a step-mother either."

"I'm glad you love my father."

The rest of the ride home went silent after that. I knew where I stood then. For as long as I stayed with father, I would be like an unwanted guest. I couldn't wait to grow up and leave the house and have a home of my own. I planned to bring Aaron with me, we could live together without mom or father. I figured we would be happier that way, just the two of us.

I learnt how to take care of myself better after that, even though that wasn't the last I would see of the cyst. I learnt how to cook instant noodles when both Maria and father were away. I learnt to save what little pocket money father gave me for school. The only place I found truly at home was when I was in school, friends helped me got through the worst of times.

The phone calls to mom gradually lessen. By the time I was sixteen, I heard she had another baby. So she had a boy and a girl. A brother and sister whom I had never met. That was when Stacie came in. My first serious girlfriend.

"We need more of this." AJ said, raising his glass of wine. "You need one too, loosen up a little." He said to Brian.

"I don't drink." Brian replied.

"We can tell." Howie said.

"You need anger management." Brian snapped back.

"I'll go get the drinks." Kevin sighed and walked off.

"I'm getting one too." Howie said and left. AJ busied himself with his drink while Brian looked around, probably telling himself to calm down. We all wanted to get out of here, soon, but we couldn't, because for at least a day, we thought we could be civil.

"I don't remember us being assholes." I said, breaking the silence.

"We grow up man. Grown ups are fucking retards." AJ said. Sometimes, I think AJ has the best vocabularies.

"Because of our parents." I said.

He nodded.

"I think they got married to the wrong person, get fucked, born the wrong kids, divorce each other, find their right partners, get married again, get fucked, born the right kids and be happy. So where do the wrong kids go? Who fuck cares, you know? We're like their access baggage they couldn't wait to get rid of. Get good grades Alex, find a good job so you can have a big house."

"When what they wanna say is, I don't want no teacher calling up and nag at me, you find a good job so you can pay back all the money I've wasted on you and buy yourself a house so you can get out of mine." I said.

He laughed. "That's what I'm talking about…ain't that right B?"

Brian didn't even look his way. "How should I know, my parents are still married."

"Man, you are not still mad about that, are you?"

"Oh, so you can get mad cause your parents are fucked up and I can't cause I'm suppose to have a happy family? You're too full of yourself J."

I couldn't take it anymore, for once, I'd like to be surrounded by family members who weren't yelling at each other. Or where glasses did not end up broken.

"I don't know what Howie's deal is, but if he's mad at his mom, he shouldn't lash out on you. I'm glad at least one of us didn't end up that bad. Kinda give us hope." I said.

Brian shook his head, his lips turned to a snicker. "Doesn't mean it's all rosy ya know? So I'm better off than any of you, didn't mean we're America's favorite family."

"And Howie's much more mess up than what he's leading us to see." AJ said. That got our attention.

"Yeah?"

AJ nodded. "I think he's totally losted."

"Losted?" Brian smiled.

"I know, cool word." AJ smiled. "But he didn't know I know, so if he decides to keep it a secret, it's not mine to tell."

Brian frowned. He had always been the worrier too. "Anybody else think Kevin's too quiet, or has he always been that way?"

I shrugged, because I really didn't know. Ten years could really change someone.

"I think he's upset cause Hayde's not invited." AJ said and then started shaking his head when he realized what he had just said. "I didn't mean to say that your-"

"It's okay, I understand. But for the record, we did invite him and Natalie but he told my mom that he's too embarrass to come."

"Can't blame him though. He wasn't invited to Jaime's wedding two years back, and he's his son. I hope Kevin invites him when he gets married."

"I'm sure Kevin will, he's always been close to Hayde, at least until he went crazy." Brian said.

"That's what I'm saying man, maybe Kevin's a shame of his father now."

I knew too much about being a shame, unfortunately. I wouldn't totally blame Kevin if he felt that way though, cause I understand him.

Stacie never knew about my family and how messed up we were. She didn't know anything about my sickness either. When I met her, I was cyst-free and like I said before, I took care of myself. Maria still hates me but I was getting better at avoiding her. Truth is, it didn't hurt when Maria hit me, or when she told me point blank what a nuisance I was to her.

It hurts when she said all those things in front of father and he did nothing to stop it. He didn't do anything when Aunt Becky told him of my plan to kill myself when I was seven, why would he stop Maria from killing me?

Being with Stacie made me forget about who I really am. I felt perfect when she was around and she made me the most important person in her life. We did everything together and I loved her. I would tell Aaron that I was going to marry her but Aaron always smile and never said anything about it. I always assumed he was too young to understand.

It changed when I brought Stacie home for the first time. Nobody was at home and the only reason I even let her came into our house was because I forgot to bring the history book I borrowed from her. We decided to finish up our history assignment together.

Maria came back home earlier than usual that day and found us in my room. Stacie was doing her work on my study table while I was lying in bed because my stomach started to act up again. I had been having the aches ever since I woke up that day and I had assumed it was due to missing dinner the night before. I was being punished for not washing the dishes quick enough.

"You son of a bitch! So this is what you've been doing while I'm not around!"

I got confused at first. I didn't understand what she was yelling about but it seemed like Stacie understood. She got so mad when Maria accused her of being a whore. Before I knew it, both of them were yelling at each other. It ended when Maria slapped her.

Stacie was beyond consoling and I understood that. I offered to send her home but she refused to have anything to do with me. So I watched helplessly as she ran, crying her way back home. I went straight to bed after that because I was feeling too sick to argue. Maria left me alone, which troubled me. It meant that she was brewing something worst.

I woke up to father's yelling.

It almost sent me back to sleep if it hadn't been for Aaron's cries.

I got out of bed feeling a little rejuvenated. They were in the living room, with Aaron cuddled up next to the sofa, his hands covering his face protectively. Maria and father were standing in the middle of the room, yelling at each other. I didn't know what had happened before but the next thing that came out from them, I wish I didn't hear.

"Never mind your ex-wife's a whore, but I don't want her son to start fucking girls in this house!"

"Shut your mouth Maria, I don't want you to call Jane by that name again, you hear!"

"Why are you defending her all of a sudden huh? You always defend your sons and now you're defending her too! Then why am I still here Bob? Why! You never really love me do you? You spent your money on your good for nothing son and now he's turning this house into a brothel and you're still defending him!"

"Shut your mouth now Maria or I'll-"

"Or you'll what? Hit me? I dare you! Hit me! Hit me if you're a man!"

I never see father raised his hand on a woman before. Not even to mom when he found out she was cheating on him. He would slap me or Aaron if we said something really bad, but that was it. That was the only good thing I remember about father. He never hits anyone and wasn't quick with his mouth, but he didn't stop Maria from hitting me though. He did nothing when she started insulting me in front of him.

That night, father raised his hand and I wanted to stop him. I didn't want him to do something that he'd regret later. I ran and stood in between them, begging him to stop. I think I managed to yell 'Dad!' before his fist hit my abdomen.

I didn't realized I fainted until I woke up in my bed, with father looking down on me. He was crying. He told me how sorry he was, that he didn't mean it. He tried to touch my hand when I didn't say a thing and I flinched.

"You're shivering, are you cold son?" He asked. I couldn't tell him anything because for the first time, I was truly afraid of him. I felt totally unsafe.

"I'm really sorry Nicky, I didn't mean to hit you, you shouldn't have jump in like that." He finally gave up when I kept mum.

When he left, Aaron climbed down from his bed and slept with me. It was his way of telling me that we're still brothers no matter what.

"He hit me too Nicky."

I couldn't promise him that it would never happen again but he wasn't looking for a promise, just a shoulder to cry on.

"Nobody loves us Nicky."

"I love you, remember that."

"I love you too."

We cried ourselves to sleep that night. It was growing into a habit of ours.