every time I tried to grasp for air, I am smothered in despair its never over
seems I’m never wake from this nightmare, I let out a silent prayer let it be over
I must have been too deep in my thoughts and had not realised that everyone was looking at me. The only reason why it was finally brought to my attention was the fact that my mother was now standing next to my seat, looking at me expectantly.
She was glowing and pretty in pink. Her dark curly hair was styled with baby breaths and the light make up on her face sent twinkles in her ageing eyes. Yet I also saw happiness in them. Complete bliss.
And why not? She has a husband who loves her and could give her anything that her heart desires. She has a four year old son who is just adorable and a two year old daughter who is beginning to take after her.
“Hey mom.” I got up from my seat and we embraced. She kissed my cheek and I heard AJ groaned at the back. I couldn’t help the smile on my face. Of course, which 18 year old guy would let his mother kiss him in public?
An 18 year old guy deprived of a mother’s love. That’s who.
Such a simple gesture, yet I yearned for her touch, her warm embrace, her soft lips on my cheeks and that assuring voice whispering in your ear, ‘hi baby’.
I’m her baby.
I was her baby.
“You’re looking good.” I said as I pulled myself from the embrace and look at her again. Her cheeks flushed red, she laughed and cupped my face in the palms of her hands. Our eyes met and for the first time in a long run, I got to look into those hazel brown and drown myself with memories of us together.
“You’re beautiful…quite a young man you’ve turned out to be.” I blushed at her comment, unsure of what to say to that. She smiled and turned towards the guys on the table. “Boys, you wouldn’t mind if I steal your cousin for awhile, would you?”
A chorus of ‘you go ahead Jane’, ‘she’s your son auntie’ and ‘we don’t need him anyway’ could be heard. The last one was meant as a joke, of course. Not surprising that it came from AJ.
“Lets go for a walk, there’s a lot to catch up.” She took my hand in hers and with our fingers intertwined, we walked out of the frenzy and headed for the miniature garden at the back of the tent. We sat on a bench that had medieval carving of some sorts, facing the wishing fountain.
“So, College boy now huh?” She teased. I nodded and smiled, momentarily transporting myself back to the apartment I had managed to rent with a couple of other guys.
“Yup. Finally out on my own.”
“You have your own apartment now?”
“I rent one with four other guys I know from high school. Got a job at a family clinic nearby so I’m good.”
“Family clinic?” She was surprised, no doubt.
“Yeah. I’m earning myself to be an apprentice,” I said. “I wanna be a paediatrician, hopefully.”
“Taking care of sick children, Nicky, I’m impressed.” I could see that she was proud and that alone, warm my heart. It had been awhile since I made somebody proud of me. Not even when I graduated high school and got myself into College. For one thing, Maria was happy that I was finally out of the house and dad was finally relieved and was looking forward to more peaceful days ahead in the house. Aaron wasn’t as difficult to raise as I was. They didn’t tell me this out loud, but it was clear to see that whatever future medical expenses that might arise from my ‘problem’, I would have to fork it out myself.
“Yeah well, I’ve been there before, I figured it’s time to pay back.”
“You’re still not quite okay yet Nicky.”
“It’s not going to go away Mom, I’ve accepted that fact. Everybody falls sick sometimes.” Actually, she was a heavy smoker when she conceived me. She never did quit until she remarried again. It was a bless that Aaron turned out okay. I wasn’t as lucky.
“It’s your health Nicky, don’t take it lightly.” she said, resting her hand on my lap. “I wish you had gone to a college here in Florida, we can see each other more often, I missed you.”
I nodded. “I do too, but I don’t wanna be too far from AC, he’s in his teens now, somebody gotta keep an eye on him.”
“You shouldn’t be burden with that Nick. AC’s your father’s responsibility as a parent. You’re growing up yourself, you shouldn’t be burden with such things.”
I think I froze. Yeah, I did. And then it slowly sank in me. The heavy burden, the worries, the fact that I had always been alone, even in the company of many.
“We’re your responsibility too, but where were you most of the time I was growing up? Don’t put the blame on dad.”
“Nick, your dad and I divorced, he had custody of you both, there was only so much I could do. You think I didn’t think of you all those time?”
I pushed her hand off my lap. I felt so small all of a sudden. “I don’t know what to think. Honestly, I had no idea.”
She placed her hand on my shoulder, squeezing it a little. She pulled me nearer, beckoning me to look at her. I did. “I think about you Nicky…you and Aaron. I spent my nights crying because I wanted you both with me. But when your dad moved to New York, I could do little to get in touch with you both. I don’t blame you for thinking that I didn’t care, but you have no idea what I’ve been through Nick. You have no idea of the struggle I had to overcome after I lost you and Aaron. No idea.”
I got up from my seat and stared down at her. It was funny though, I had grown so much taller and bigger than her, and yet, I still feel small. That in the heat of the moment, when anger was taking over, I still yearn for her love.
“And I suppose you know what we’ve been through? What I’ve been through? When I got so sick I thought I was gonna die without seeing you one last time? When I got thrown across the room just cause dad was getting sick with me always upsetting Maria? I suppose you know all the lies I had to come with whenever Aaron asked for you? You know what happened to me when Uncle Joe came over to take care of us when dad and his wife went on vacation? Did you?”
I never tell anyone what happened with Uncle Joe. Except to Brian once. But it was brief and on the phone and he was eleven, still a kid like me. I doubt he remembered.
Mom was crying now but she wasn’t the only one. And frankly, I don’t care.
“What did he do to you Nick? How could your dad leave you with that good for nothing brother of his?”
"Don't talk about Dad that way, you have no rights!"
"Nick...please...you're going to fall sick if you don't calm down right now. I know Joe sweetheart, no kids should be left alone with him! What did he do to you?"
“I was eleven Mom, you’re seven years behind if you think telling you now will make a difference.”
“That’s not fair Nicky.” She cried.
“NICKY! NICKY!” I brushed my tears away, Casey was running towards me. He had blonde floppy hair that glistened against the sunlight, his clear blue eyes dances with innocence of a child. He was wearing a blue denim overall with a white shirt underneath. I went down on my knees and spread my arms wide, waiting for his embrace.
He slammed into me, tightly pulling me in his hug. His laughter tickled the nape of my neck. I laughed along with him, planting a huge, wet kiss on his cheek.
“My baby brother’s all grown up now!” I said, ruffling his hair like mom used to do to me. It was like looking at myself in the past. Except that he had Tony’s tan and smile.
“Casey honey, were you looking for mommy?” Mom said. I stole a glance over and she was all smile. No hint of tears whatsoever.
“Mommy, I want ice kweem!”
I got up and carried him in my arms before setting him on mom’s lap. It’s a pity that he would grow up not really knowing who his two elder brothers are. I ruffled his hair one last time before my gaze rested on my mother again.
“You married Tony. You have two kids. You’re happy. You moved on.” I wanted to tell her how easily she had replaced Aaron and I with Casey and Jodie, but I held myself back. I may not be pleased at my mom and dad, but I love my step brother and sister.
“So don’t talk to me about being unfair.”
tbc...
Loose Ends by mersey
