A/n: Huge thank you to you who reviewed at absolutechaos and vaffel, you know who you are
=)
A little note to everyone…I’m sorry if this story is depressing, lol…but it is written from a true life account, only that it’s BSB’d by me. I promise you though that there’ll be uplifting moments, as life is filled with both happy and sad, but this chapter is still rather angsty.
A lil warning though, this chapter has mild graphic content in it, I hate putting Nick through it but it did happen in real life [not to nick though, thank God! Lol]…and before you start guessing, I’ll just tell you…no, this is not the story of my life but someone dear to me nonetheless. =)
Ps: excuse the grammar, tenses and whatever else mistakes in there, hehe.
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means
Whenever Maria and Dad decided to have a little escape of their own to unwind, they would send Aaron and I to Uncle Joe’s. He had three children of his own, two were boys around my age, the youngest being a girl who was still a tiny baby back then. Aunt Jenny, she’s Uncle Joe’s wife, was a very lovely woman, I like her a lot. Whenever we came around, she would be waiting for us with chocolate bars or small crackers.
Despite all that, I never liked being left there. I remember always crying and pleading my dad to take us with him and not leave us with Uncle Joe and Aunt Jenny. I didn’t really know why I was reacting that way, we were very close to the kids and for once, Aaron and I didn’t have to be weary at every single thing we did because we never got any scolding or punishment from Aunt Jenny. All I knew was, my heart was never at ease when I stepped into their house. I guess it was an omen or something, I don’t know.
That fateful day, when dad left us there, he told me he would be away for two days, so we had to have a sleep over. I was nine.
We slept in the boys’ room that night and being the oldest, I offered to take the floor, where Aunt Jenny had kindly placed a fold up mattress for me. To tell you what happened would mean recalling back the nightmares that comes along with it. I’m not sure if I’m ready for that.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find Uncle Joe looking down on me. I felt things that I couldn’t comprehend being only nine, but I somehow knew that they were wrong. He didn’t expect me to wake up but I did.
“Go back to sleep Nicky, nothing’s wrong.”
He left the room after that but I couldn’t go back to sleep. The image of my uncle in nothing but his underwear and his hand resting on places on my body threw any spell of sleep out the window. I remember pulling the blanket up to my chin to keep me warm, for I realised my PJ had mysteriously disappeared from my body.
When Aunt Jenny came early morning the next day to wake us up for school, I was still troubled by what happened the night before. I felt almost guilty for being such a brat when she had been nothing but nice to me. We were having breakfast when Uncle Joe came and joined us. He sat next to me.
I couldn’t eat my cereal anymore. I didn’t even know why I started trembling the way I did. I dropped the spoon on the floor and started retching my breakfast out. I really thought I was going insane, trembling the way I did. I felt cold even though it was rather warm then. I felt a hand rubbing my back and it eased me up a little, mom always does that when I got sick.
“It’s okay Jenny, I’ll take care of this.” His voice was loving and soft but I found no comfort in them. I froze when I realised the hand that was rubbing my back was none other than Uncle Joe’s. I wanted to run away, I wanted to have nothing to do with him.
I messed my shirt up of course and he brought me back to his sons’ room to have me change into something new. I pleaded all the way back to the room, begging him not to take me there. I don’t want him to see my body again, to touch me again.
“Nicky, you don’t have to be afraid of me okay? Nothing happened last night. Just keep that between the two of us okay?”
I nodded because I wanted out of there as soon as possible. I knew something was wrong though; adults always make us keep a secret if something went wrong. Like that time when Maria had gone too far with her beatings and I spotted a visible bruise on my cheek. I told Dad I fell off the stairs the school, just like Maria taught me to say. Dad of course bought everything I said, because knowing that I screwed up was easier than having to face his wife for hitting me.
I found it amusing now because I was only nine and the things that I was thinking in the school bus was why life has to suck for me. How come I wasn’t thinking about what cartoons would be on TV after school?
I recalled hiding in the boys’ room during recess that day because all I wanted to do was cry and I couldn’t do that in the open. Besides, the saying that had been going around school was, that boys don’t cry. They must have a much better life than me, I guess.
I went straight to the restroom after I left my mom in a lurch. I wasn’t expecting the confrontation at all and to actually burst out the way I did, it took away the entire facade I had been wearing all day. I couldn’t wait for this day to be over, life wasn’t any better back in New York but at least there, the guys I’m rooming with didn’t know about my past, I could be normal for once.
The moment I entered the restroom, I eyed the porcelain sink, the need to throw up was too great to be ignored. I knew I was making myself sick but I couldn’t help it. It had been awhile since I felt this down. College life had kept me busy from going back to yesterdays and raking up memories I’d rather not have. I let friends into my life because I was tired of being alone and miserable. They were great, they introduced me to the nightlife, something I couldn’t afford back in high school. They gave me my first drink and taught me how much is enough so that I could still appear sober in lectures the next day. These friends were great to have around if I want to feel free and without problems.
I also realised for the first time, that girls like me. They actually think that I’m good looking. I have never look at myself that way before. But I still let them into my life though careful not to get in too deep. I knew they wouldn’t want me if I tell them of my illness, and you know what, I want them to want me.
Brian found me while I was still throwing my stomach content in the sink. I hate it when that happen but if I were to be found in such a situation, I’d rather have Brian find me than anybody else.
“You okay there Nick?”
You know why I prefer Brian than anybody else? He pretends that everything is fine even though it’s not. That’s just Brian.
And that’s also the reason why he was the only soul I told about what happened with Uncle Joe. I called him one night because I needed to tell somebody before I went crazy. I needed someone to tell me what happened because I had a clue but I wasn’t sure if it was the right way to feel in the first place.
“It’s not okay Nicky, that’s wrong what he did.” Brian had told me back then. He even persuaded me to tell dad, I lied and said I would. I also made him promise not to tell a soul. He didn’t.
“I’m fine.” I said after the last bout ended. I rinsed my mouth and avoided his gaze at all times. He just stood there like he always would. Brian is the cousin who always wants to be there for you but at the same time wouldn’t push you into telling him anything. “How come you’re not peeing or washing your hands or stuff like that? This is the restroom you know.”
He giggled. “I’m hiding.”
“From?”
“The morons at our table. They’re having a burping contest, courtesy of AJ.”
I smirked. “And why are you hiding?”
“Okay fine, I lied.” He sighed. “We saw you heading here so I volunteered to get you back. We figured it’s only fair you take a shot before we declare a winner.”
“This is crazy, you know that right?” I said as we walked back to our table.
Brian gave me the ‘duh’ look. “When is it not?”
Howie was holding out a can of Coke to me when he saw us from afar. I didn’t even dare to ask Brian where they got that. By the time we reached our table, there were smiles all around.
“Howie’s winning, that’s not right at all.” Kevin pouted. I think it was the first time I really see an honest expression from him.
“Kevin burp like a girl.” AJ snickered.
“Speak for yourself man.” Kevin retorted.
“I told you I wasn’t ready! Give me another shot and I’ll show the real stuff.” AJ argued.
“Man, quit whining already. Fact is, I’m winning,” Howie sighed and then looked at me. “You’re the only one standing in my way now, so I suggest you bring it.”
Brian rubbed my shoulder as I took the can from Howie. “Show him what you got Nick, bring his ass down.”
I laughed. It was in times like this that I always remind myself that things weren’t always so gloomy. There were good days with dad and there were bearable days with Maria. There were times when I actually let myself believe that we could one day, be a family. But I couldn’t let myself dwell in those memories, at least not right now.
Right now, I have another mission in hand.
Oh I’ll bring it alright.
I raised the can as if for a toast, taunting Howie a little. Ah, I wish we had a camera.
“Ready to lose D?”
All I need is a sip.
I feel sorry for everyone within earshot.
Disclaimer: Opening lyrics from chp 1 to 5 can be found in Stripped By Christina Aguilera
Loose Ends by mersey
