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Trying hard to fill the emptiness
the pieces gone, left the puzzle undone, is that the way it is



“Speech! Speech! Speech!”

After our little ‘burping’ competition, which I won by the way, things got a little bit better on our table. The uncomfortable silence were gone, even Howie discarded that ‘tough, pissed off’ attitude and don the easy going guy I once used to know. The drinks helped a little, at least for me. It drowned that little nagging voice at the back of my head about mom and the blow up earlier.

Marcus and his bride was about to give his speech and we were prompting him further. I guess we were all under the influence of the drinks, well, Brian aside of course. I couldn’t remember much of the young Marcus growing up, but there was an incident that I would never ever forget.

It was my eight birthday, a month before we were to move to New York. Birthdays were like any other day in our household, so I was watching television with Aaron while Dad was asleep in his room and Maria was cooking when the doorbell rang.

-

“I got it!” I exclaimed, pushing myself up from the floor and headed for the door.

“DON’T YELL NICKOLAS, YOUR FATHER IS ASLEEP!” I remembered shaking my head then, wondering if the woman dad married realised that she was practically screaming too.

The moment I opened the door, I was filled with a mix of confusion and happiness. There standing in front of me were Brian and Marcus.

“Happy birthday cous!” Brian grinned, handing out a small box that was nicely wrapped. It was green with yellow balloons cause I love green and I guess balloons are for birthdays.

“Oh wow! How did you get here? Is aunt Jackie here too?”

“Just the two of us, I’m afraid.” Marcus said. “Where is everybody?”

“Oh, dad’s asleep and mom’s cooking. We’re watching cartoons, wanna come in?”

“NICKOLAS, DON’T TALK TO STRANGERS, CLOSE THAT DOOR BEFORE I SLAM YOU ON IT!”

It was a common saying in our household but Brian and Marcus were unfamiliar with such verbal abuse that I saw them literally backing away.

“It’s okay mom, it’s Brian and Marcus.”

There was silence in the kitchen and then Maria appeared next to me with a huge smile on her face. “Why are you kids still standing there? Nick, show some manners and invite them in the next time, they’re no strangers!”

I rolled my eyes, which Brian caught. We grinned.

“It’s okay Mrs. Carter, we’re running late ourselves, is it okay if we just talk to Nick out here for a minute?” Marcus said.

“Of course not honey!” she turned back and started calling for my brother. “Aaron, Brian and Marcus’ here, come say hello sweetie!”

I cringed. Sweetie?

“Stay a while boys, I’ll make some lemonade.”

“Thanks Mrs. Carter.”

I hated her for being pretentious in front of them. The last thing I needed was my cousins telling me how lucky I was to get Maria for a step-mother.

Aaron came running out then and his eyes grew wide at the sight of the present. “Oh wow, a present! Open it Nicky! Open it!” It was really sad. The gift was just the size of a grown man’s palm but to us back then, it was the biggest gift we could ever get.

“We’ll get you one for your birthday too AC, no worries.” Brian said.

Aaron smiled. “Cool!”

I unwrapped the present after much persistence from Aaron. It was a paperback, green coloured diary with a picture of a boy playing on his nintendo.

“I hope you like it.” Brian said. “I didn’t have any money so Marcus bought it with the money mom gave him for school. I’m sorry I didn’t get you anything.”

“It’s from the both of us.” Marcus insisted. “Brian help me chose it.”

“I like it guys. Thanks a lot!”

“You should draw cartoons in there Nick! You’re good at drawing!” Aaron chipped in.

Maria came with a tray full of tall glasses of lemonade. And she had four glasses, to my surprise. "Here boys, drink up. I see you got Nick a present, that’s lovely.”

“It’s nothing much.” Marcus said.

“It’s the thought that counts,” Maria replied. “Nick, remember to thank your cousins for the presents.”

“Already did mom.” I replied. I also ended up washing the glasses once Marcus and Brian left. A week after that, Maria threw the diary Marcus gave me in one of her fit. I had written so much in there and some drawings like Aaron suggested. I still miss that book whenever I think about it.

But not all was lost. That night, Dad brought both Aaron and I out for a drive. Maria didn’t came with us but she didn’t stop dad either. She even helped to get us all dress up for the occasion.

There was a little lake at the end of our neighbourhood. On weekends, it would be filled with families spending time together. They would have huge picnic baskets filled with mouth watering food and drinks. The kids would play with other kids and parents made friends with other parents. We used to do that before mom and dad divorced. In fact, it would be a huge event every weekend for us. All of mom’s brothers and sisters would bring their family out, including grandma and grandpa. It was the best of time to hang out with my fellow cousins.

That was where dad brought us that night. It was calm and rid off families. I remember it was a Tuesday night. Dad spread a little mat, fit for the three of us to sit on and even surprised us with a small picnic basket.

I remember the full moon too. It was smiling down on us.

Dad took three cans of Mountain Dews because it was my favourite drink and then, a rather huge, chocolate cup cake and told me to hold it. It must have been small, now that I think about it, but back then, it was the hugest cup cake I’ve ever laid my hands on.

“I can’t afford you a real birthday cake, I hope this is okay.” And then he took out a green birthday candle from his breast pocket and planted it on the cake. Aaron was already clapping his hands in delight.

He lit the candle and from the light, I saw my dad for the first time. A tired man, husband and father, who was trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Most importantly, I saw the love that I once used to see in his eyes. I thought it was gone but that night I knew, that love was never gone, just hidden behind the ever growing thick, grey clouds.

They sang me my birthday song and dad broke the cake into half and told me to share it with my brother. It was a lot for the both of us but we hardly ate something as delicious as a chocolate cake and Aaron wasn’t about to waste it away.

“How about you?” I asked, seeing dad sipping his drink.

“Nah, I’m not hungry. You go right ahead.”

I looked at the moon again, it was still smiling down on us. I remembered praying for that night to last forever. I broke my share of the cake into half and handed a share over to dad. “You can have half of mine dad, I’m full already.”

He ruffled my hair and took the cake from me. “Happy birthday Nicky.”

-

Marcus made a very heart-warming speech. He thanked his parents, seeking their forgiveness for all the bad things he did in his life and the things that had caused them heartache in bringing him up. I glanced at Brian at that moment, there were tears in his eyes, he was proud of his brother, that’s for sure, but there was also something else there, something I couldn’t quite catch.

When Marcus thanked his dad for always being there for him and teaching him how to be a true man, AJ laughed. “Take a hint dad!” He exclaimed. His father was at a table across from us, with his new wife and their new born child. Mr. McLean raised his glass of champaign and yelled back “Thanks son!”.

AJ shook his head. He turned to us and snickered. “Thanks, my ass.”

“Amen to that!” Howie cried, raising his glass. We ended up with a cheers.

After the speech, Marcus and his bride danced to ‘I Do’ by those 98 Degrees guys. The crowd slowly joined in on the floor and we were, once again, left on our own.

“That was a nice speech.” I said.

“I agree.” Kevin said, nodding his head.

“Practice well cous, you might as well be next.” Howie said to Kevin. It was true though, if we follow the line of our cousins, Kevin would be next to tie the knot.

“And I’m what? 19? It’s safe to say it’s gonna be a while before you get another wedding in this family.” Kevin replied.

“That’s a good thing. Besides, at the rate our parents keep getting divorced and getting married again, we should just take a back seat.” Howie pointed out.

Brian scratched his head. “Anybody else thinking this song is too slow? I’m getting sleepy already.”

“Sappy love song. This ain’t right.” AJ sighed.

“Did you know the DJ’s a friend of mine?” Kevin asked.

That got our attention.

“I’ll be right back.” Kevin smiled. He headed for the DJ’s booth.

The song abruptly ended. There was a moment of silence, and then the buzz of confusion from the crowd. And then the beat of the next song filled the atmosphere.

I almost choked in my drink.

“Yeah baby! That’s what I’m talking about!” AJ screamed, taking his jacket off and swinging it like some striptease.

“Lets crash this wedding!” Howie cried, already on his way to the dance floor.

Brian grabbed for the half full can of Coke and drank it all. Crushing the can with his bare hands, he looked at me and winked. “Come on Nick, it’s our time.”

I shook my head but followed them to the crowd. There was a couple around my parents’ age in the crowd, unsure of what to do. I didn’t know who they were although we were supposed to be relatives of some sort. “Dance uncle, show aunt your boot-ay!” I cried as I danced with them.

I saw mom and Tony dancing too, everybody around me were letting their hair down for a change. I went straight for my cousins, now dancing like a maniac in a circle. Jackets gone, shirts tuck out, hair out of place. This is us.

Yes, the pain will never go away tomorrow. The regrets, the yearning, the lost, they would still be there when I wake up every single day. I’ll still be haunted by this illness for as long as I live. But I am also looking forward for the good days. To fall in love. To have a family. To have someone who will accept me for who I am. To be somebody. Most importantly, to appreciate life, like right now. Right now is good times.

Def Leppard kept rocking out the dance floor. Pour some sugar on me is a classic.