To the Magnificent Nickolas Carter…
I sat with my legs dangling off of the small sofa we had in our tiny common area in the studio. The studio kind of just became our home when we worked on new albums. It didn’t even matter where we were talking about either. In the earlier days it used to be Sweden. We would hang our hats there for months at a time and hesitantly call that home. It was never home to me, I hated being away from my real home. I guess I still do in my own way.
Now that I have grown, I realize home is just a metaphor for what makes me feel comfortable. It never was a place.
When we recorded our second and third albums we were too busy to even settle somewhere long enough to even get cozy. Once I got the hang of remembering my way around the town, we moved on. It used to frustrate me to no end.
That brings us to the present. Currently home is Los Angeles where we are once again in the studio. The five of us back together. It feels great and familiar. Kind of like how you might feel after being in the dorms forever and coming home for the weekend.
So today sitting here on my 24th birthday chilling out on our dinner break and eating pizza…this was my home.
The guys at first had asked if I wanted to go out somewhere just like old times; take me to a restaurant and then maybe to a club. “Let’s just go and have fun” AJ had said, looking up at me from his position at the console. Brian was sitting in the booth laying down some random lyrics that he wanted desperately to marry into a song.
I looked at him and smiled, “Nah not today…how about we just kind of order a pizza and chill out a bit”
“Oh look part deux of the IT couple wants to just lay low” He laughed, “Wonder why?” I bat him on the head playfully.
“Where is your other half anyway?”
“She’s doing something in New York”
“Sorry buddy”
“Don’t be…it’s good to have time to ourselves” And it was. I was happy with my relationship nowadays but I wasn’t used to all the attention. It was odd.
“So pizzas then…are you sure?” I nodded at him.
We finished working on the lyrics; Brian opting to change them at least fifty times before landing on the perfect chorus. It always killed me how naturally his melodies flowed. I never thought I would be able to do that. Of course I learned that I could.
Going solo really was a great thing for me. I know many people felt like I was a failure. The album didn’t live up to what everyone had hoped, but to me it wasn’t the sales I needed. It was the rebirth. So while everyone whined about how badly it had done, I gloated in my achievement.
The album grew me up.
Something had to I guess. I think it was when I turned 23 that I finally realized that it was time for me to start acting like an adult. I mean, I still did really dumb things…Correction…I still DO really dumb things, but now I at least think about them first.
“What are you thinking?” I looked over at Kevin; he had half a piece of uneaten pizza on his plate and was sipping a bottle of Avian.
“Huh?”
“You looked lost in your own thoughts for a minute there”
“Oh…I was just thinking about how much I have grown up” For some reason Kevin found that amusing.
“I see we are getting reflective in our old age huh?” I rolled my eyes at him.
He walked over to me then dumping his pizza in the trash as he sauntered over my way. I sat up and moved over allowing him to sit next to me on the tiny couch.
“I have something for you” He said searching his pockets.
“I thought we stopped giving each other presents for our birthdays”
“We did, but this isn’t from me…” I laughed, picturing him pulling out a rose scented card from a fan or something. He searched one pocket and then the other, “I was sure I brought it with me…I will be SO mad if I forgot it!” I laughed at the over dramatic way he said that. Kevin always had a way of making everything seem like a pivotal scene in a soap opera. The funny thing is, he would probably say the same about me.
“Ah, here it is” He said pulling out a wrinkled envelope from his back pocket.
“Who is it from?” I asked eyeing it carefully; my nose searching for scents of perfume. He handed it to me and smiled, “It’s from you”
I was confused for a minute. “I thought you said it was FOR me not FROM me”
“It is for you and it is also from you! Don’t you remember this?” He seemed genuinely disappointed that I had no idea what he was talking about. But when I held it up and saw those words…I remembered.
“Oh my God Kev…I can’t believe you kept this all these years”
He laughed, “Are you kidding me? I couldn’t wait to give this back to you. I had my parents keep it at my house for you” I bit my lip and smiled as I looked at the little creatures I had drawn all over the envelope. Caricatures of all the guys plus Lou and the girl I had a crush on back when I was 14. I can’t even remember her name but I made sure I made her very well endowed.
In the middle of all of those drawings, the words To the Magnificent Nickolas Carter stood out in a barrage of florescent orange and green.
“I think I went a little highlighter crazy” I said eyeing the envelope and falling into the memories it produced.
“I hate this!” I said stamping my foot down on the ground as Kevin, Howie, Brian and AJ all looked on in embarrassment. It was probably my tenth temper tantrum of the day. A day that had only been two hours long so far but for them I’m sure it felt like so much more.
“Relax Nick…we will be breaking soon!”
“This is so unfair Brian” I addressed everything I said to Brian because he was the only one who even pretended to feel bad for me. “I mean today is my birthday and we are here working on some stupid dance in some stupid place!”
“Nick you will have more birthdays. Besides we are all going out with you tonight remember?”
“Who cares? I shouldn’t have to do this on my birthday”
“It’s not like it’s a friggin national holiday kid. Let’s move on already!” Kevin said completely tired of my attitude.
SO I danced and danced, just like they wanted me too. I purposely messed up the routines so we would have to do them over again. If I was going to be miserable then so were they. It was only fair.
Too bad they didn’t think so.
After practice none of them would even talk to me. I mean not a sole. Even Brian shied away. Did they forget it was my special day? They didn’t care.
I sat in the van going back to our stupid hotel almost near tears. This was the worst birthday ever. I mean totally sucked ass! The guys finally softened up for me when they saw the first tear drop leave my eyes.
“Nick…it’s just a day. I mean I know it’s a big deal to you but it won’t always be” Howie said in his calming voice, “We all had to work on our birthdays!”
“Life is so unfair” I lamented to them to which a collective sigh was heard.
“Maybe you should tell someone who cares” Kevin said under his breath. I felt the urge to kick him for that. SO I did.
When leaving the van he grabbed onto my shoulder. I was a little scared that I had finally pushed the big guy over the edge. “Meet me in my hotel room as soon as you check in” He demanded. I thought for a brief moment about complaining to him that it was unfair that He got his own room on MY birthday but judging by his ‘sunny’ disposition, I passed on it.
I sat on his bed as he walked back and forth lecturing me about something. I’m sorry to say I couldn’t even tell you what it was. His drawl often had a way of lulling me to sleep.
“I want you to write a letter to yourself” I looked up at him in disbelief.
“What?”
“You heard me; I want you to write yourself a letter”
“Are you kidding me?”
“No. I’m dead serious. We are all tired of your complaining. It’s time you complain to yourself for once. Write a letter to yourself about how unfair your life is”
“That is about the stupidest thing I have ever heard” I harrumphed at him.
“Seriously Nick…I think it’s a good idea. My 8th grade teacher made us write a letter to ourselves and address it for ten years later”
“So you did this?”
“Yes, I get to open mine next year” He seemed so excited about it I laughed. What a dork!
“So I write this and open it when I’m 24?”
“Yup”
“But I can’t read it until then?”
“That’s the deal”
“And if I do this you’ll stop bugging me?” He laughed a frustrated laugh, “Yes I will stop bugging you for tonight at least”
“Okay it’s a deal” I said and walked back to my room as a boy with a mission. A stupid mission but a mission all the same.
“I can’t believe that you still have this thing. I can’t believe you remembered it” I said laughing at the scenes that had flashed in front of my eyes.
“I told you I would keep it for you. Happy birthday Nick, now why don’t you see what you had to say ten years ago” He got up and pat my back as he walked out the door.
I played with the envelope a bit almost not wanting to interrupt its decade of slumber, but too curious to let it go, I found myself ripping it open.
Hi me,
What’s cookin? I know I’m funny, I wish everyone else realized how funny I was. Okay well I am writing this stupid thing for Kevin because he’s a dork. I bet that won’t change ten years from now boyeee!
I laughed at myself. Boyeee. I was the dork
Well today is my birthday and I’m stuck in a stupid studio with no one caring that it’s the big 1-4. I mean you only turn 14 once right? These guys don’t care because for them they were normal 14 year olds. Not me though! NO! I have to work.
That made me sad. I really did feel like all I did when I was young was work. I have no memories of being a normal kid.
Okay well if you are reading this now you are an old fart! So better go get your reading glasses because you are going to need them.
Weird how 24 seemed so old when you were 14 but when you are 24 everyone calls you a baby. Still…
Let’s see, by now I have sold gazillions of albums and am on the walls of every girl in the world. They all want me but can’t have me because I am happily married to some really hot super model babe!
I laughed out loud at that one.
But am I happy? God I really hope so because the magnificent Nickolas Carter who just turned 14 today is miserable. I mean totally unhappy. I only hope life gets better for you my older me. Maybe by the time I’m 24 I’ll already be retired living in a mansion and eating pizza morning noon and night.
I took a bite of my pizza as a salute to the idea of early retirement.
By now I’m sure Rok and I have opened our video game chain restaurant and are sitting back making our wives do all the work. We live next door to each other of course with a slide coming out of our second story windows and landing in our huge Olympic sized pool.
I stole a glance over at Brian who was sitting in the corner in his own little world which now only consisted of his wife and his son. Our friendship was so strong back then. I used to be jealous of Leighanne for slowly taking my place and changing our plans but now I am happy for him. He has all that he has ever wanted.
Our group has won ten Grammy’s all thanks to me of course. I am the big hit of this group. People bow down to me when I walk buy. I am a God.
Oh please, it’s by not buy…I thought shaking my head.
So let’s see what do I have to say to my old fart self? I guess you should have fun Nick. You know you must be kind of a loser if you are sitting here reading this now on your 24th birthday. I highly doubt you will ever even see this but then again knowing how anal Kevin is, yes you will.
I laughed out loud which caused Brian to look up and smile.
Okay well I am already bored with this so I’m gonna wrap it up. Nick…happy birthday! May you be surrounded by people you love and doing what makes you happy.
And for the love of God if Kevin is still around and lecturing you do me a favor and tell him I said to shut up!
Later!
Nick
“Later!” I said to the little note as I folded it back up and placed it in the envelope. Brian was still staring as was AJ and Howie who were so quiet I had forgotten they were in the room.
“What was that all about?” AJ asked trying to figure out what it was I was reading.
“It was just a blast from the past” I turned to Brian then as he held Baylee on his lap trying to keep the kid from getting down on the floor and zooming all over the place.
“Hey Brian, do you remember when we were younger we wanted to open a video game themed restaurant?”
He nodded, “Yeah…I kind of do remember that”
“I wanted to tell you guys, I am sorry for being such a butthead when I was younger” the guys all looked surprised.
“You don’t plan on dying on us or anything right Nicky?” Howie kidded as he winked his approval of my apology.
“No D…I’m serious, I put you guys through a lot and I never really thanked you for being there for me. So thanks! I really mean it. I would have never gotten through half the crap I did without you”
They nodded at me as I got up and gave each one of them a hug.
I had asked myself a question was I was 14. Was I happy now at 24? It’s a question I often found plaguing my thoughts even now. Here I was not too much different from back then, stuck in a studio on my birthday. Not going out or doing anything but working. The main difference is this time I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Kevin walked in a little while later, just as we were to begin our sessions again, “So did you read it?” He asked when he caught me alone.
“Yeah I did and thanks for keeping it for me”
“Was it insightful?”
“A little bit yes”
“Good…that was the idea”
“Hey Kev?”
“Yeah?”
“Did you ever get to read your letter? You know the one you wrote when you were 14?”
Kevin nodded while staring at the buttons of the console and giving AJ the cue to start his take.
“Was your insightful?”
“I guess. I had sworn that when I was 24 I’d be a pilot with my own jet! Nick we live and we learn”
I smiled at him; no truer words had ever been spoken.
“Kevin it’s not too late for that jet. Maybe you can right a letter to yourself and open it when you are 34”
He shook his head and chose to ignore me once again to concentrate on what he was doing.
“Happy birthday Nickolas the magnificent” He said after a few minutes shooting me a quick smile.
I laughed under my breath.
