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What brought me here today? Well isn’t that a loaded question…I guess you want a long story huh?

~ The Hardest Goodbye ~

I twiddled my thumbs waiting outside my loaded car for my brother to hurry up and get out of the house so I could start my journey…my new life. I think part of him was procrastinating because he didn’t want to see me go. I think part of me felt the same way. Let’s face it nothing in life is more terrifying than leaving what you know for what you don’t.

I must have reconsidered my college choice about a thousand times before finally giving my room deposit in. Then there was no turning back.

I walked over to the driver’s side of the car and leaned in, firmly pressing the horn letting Howie know my patience was waning. It worked when about three minutes later he came running out of the door chasing his one arm into the jacket he was carrying.

“Didn’t know you were in such a bloody rush to get out of here” He said tossing me the keys and getting into the passenger seat. “Wow! I actually get to drive?”

“It’s about a six hour hike so we’ll take shifts. You get the first one”

I reached over to him and ruffled his hair, “Aww thanks…I love you maan!” He laughed batting my hand away from his head, “Yeah yeah yeah, let’s get this show on the road college boy”

I looked at my house, the one I had lived in my whole life and loved, feared, hated and desperately found myself missing it in one quick second. That’s pretty much what this world did to me. The small world that up until now I only ever allowed myself to live in.

It wasn’t like I was dying or leaving forever, although in the Carter tradition either of those things were possible, but still as I drove slowly away, even doing a K turn so I’d have to pass it again, it certainly felt like it.

“Say goodbye to High street Nicky” Howie said leaning his head against the plush head rest preparing himself for the long ride.

“It’s not good bye but see ya later” I wasn’t ready for goodbye yet.

I had said goodbye a little too much this week. First to my father, admittedly the easiest goodbye of them all. I went to visit him at his home and about three cigarettes into our conversation he just blurted out, in a way that a younger me would have taken offense to, “So when were you planning on saying goodbye dumbass?” I shrugged at him which he thought was the damned funniest thing he had ever seen. Probably helped along by his meds I’m sure.

I stayed for about another half hour then got up to leave, “I guess now’s the time for that goodbye” I got up and walked over to him squatting down to give him a hug. One that I was surprised he returned. “Keep in touch, don’t forget to send me money from time to time” He pat me on the back.

My year in therapy and occasional visits during the summer to Shelby’s office, made me read between the lines. I love you son have a great time and think of me while you’re gone.

The second goodbye came on the roof of Brent’s house. He left for college two days before me, and if I was scared he was downright terrified. Mark and I had a secret bet going that he was gonna chicken out and decide that maybe college wasn’t for him. I said I’d give him about a week. Mark gave him a day. Of course he proved us both wrong and that night on his roof we ended up giving him a ten. He took it without even asking why. I love that guy, just thinking about him makes me smile.

I hung around a little longer than Mark, lying on the roof right outside of Brent’s room, like we always did when we were kids. Brent was drinking a wine cooler he stole from his Mom’s secret stash. “You know the guys are gonna laugh at you if you go into FSU drinking wine coolers”

“Oh don’t you worry, I’ll be drinking them all under the table in no time” scary thing was he was probably right.

We laid there in silence as he occasionally slurped his drink. The moon was particularly bright and had a reddish tint to it. “A bloody moon”

“Huh?” I looked over at him, “It’s a bloody moon tonight. A little creepy”

“Hey Kaos, just think this is probably the last time we’ll ever do this you know…you and I hang out like just two stupid kids” I was trying everything in my power to NOT think of that even though ever since I had gotten there that was all that ran through my mind.

“We’ll do this again”

“No we won’t. Stop kidding yourself. I’m going to Florida, you’re going to Boston. Things are gonna be different forever”

“No they won’t” Now I was lying to him. Maybe if I lied to him I wouldn’t believe it myself.

“Promise me something though Kaos….” I looked over at him and he had the most serious expression I have ever seen Brent wear. “Okay what is it?”

“Promise me that no matter what happens, how far away we live from each other that we will still be buds. You’re my best friend Nick, it’s gonna be weird not hanging with you”

“I promise man. I’ll only always be just a phone call away” He grabbed my hand and shook it.

“I say we try to pee off the roof and see if we can hit my Mom’s rose bushes” I laughed, so much for the sappy conversation. He left the next morning, I went and saw him off, I’m sure the facial expression he wore on his face is identical to the one I was wearing now.

After Brent left, Mark and I went out to lunch. He wasn’t leaving for another week. Lucky him, so he seemed completely calm. We had a good time and said our goodbye’s promising to keep in touch, but knowing we probably wouldn’t.

Saying goodbye to Kevin and Brian was no sweat really, because they already lived so far away. Last night I talked to both of them, Brian telling me to not take candy from strangers and stay away from mystery meetings where they offered college kids food. Kevin on the other hand totally stressed me out. He listed off about thirty things I shouldn’t do alone in Boston. He felt like since he went to college up there he was the expert.

He actually told me not to join a cult!! Oh okay Kevin, because you know I did have that on my to do list after selling drugs to babies and mugging old people.

“What are you laughing at? Are you hallucinating, do I need to drive?” I looked over at Howie not realizing I had laughed out loud.

“Nah, just thinking about Kevin…you know he told me not to join a cult”

“You weren’t thinking about it where you? Joining a cult I mean?” You had to love Howie’s attempts at humor.

“I’m kind of hungry want to find a place to stop and eat?” I asked him. We had been driving for about two hours and my legs were starting to tingle. I needed to get out and stretch, maybe get some Sour patch kids or something. Sugar was a must at the moment. The time seemed to fly by during the car ride, probably because my memories made the white lines on the road turn into picture frames, each holding a scene from my life. I couldn’t help but think about what pictures were awaiting me at college. All the new memories I would frame in my mind. We decided on a McDonald’s which happily was only one exit away. Somewhere in Connecticut. I laughed when I saw lobster on the menu. It was a lobster roll but of course I had to get it.

“So what are your thoughts?” Howie asked me nursing on his vanilla shake.

“I’m not really doing much thinking, I’m sure there will be a lot of that happening once I get there”

“So you’re shutting your brain off until then?”

“Completely”

That reminded me of AJ and Sarah, saying goodbye to them had been a little harder then the other guys mostly because they were living there in the moment with me. They both had come and gone over the summer after graduation. In fact shortly after I read my commencement speech and was greeted with tears and cheers from my family, Sarah made the announcement that she was pregnant.

Kind of caught us off guard but this time in a happy way.

So the summer became a time of new beginnings and growing up for my very child like brother. This was the guy that still didn’t know if he wanted to be an astronaut or a ninja when he grew up. He was going to be someone’s father and it didn’t scare anyone worse then AJ.

They started house hunting the day after the announcement and moved into a nice pad in Montclair New Jersey shortly after that. Turned out that Sarah knew someone who knew someone who owned a nice small house. They got a great deal on it in a rent to own capacity. They toyed with the idea of actually taking over the house on High but they figured the kid would be destined for failure if they did that.

So in July they left for Jersey, which was only about an hour away. Not too far but not as close as before either.

They still ventured up almost every single weekend to see us. I think they were afraid of leaving Howie alone, maybe in their heads they pictured Mel.

They came up three days ago. AJ took me out on the town and Bethlehem being such a hotbed of excitement we ended up at Jillian’s for a game of pool. Sarah decided to stay home and play cards with Howie.

He beat me three out of four games we played, I think he let me win the last one out of pure sympathy. “You know it’s going to be weird having you out of the house Nick”

“You aren’t even at the house anymore what are you talking about?” I asked him while putting the balls in the triangle.

“Doesn’t matter. You were a constant at that place. The little brother that kept us glued to one spot. Now that you’ll be gone there’s nothing keeping us in Bethlehem anymore”

“What about your father?” I was rolling my hands along the billiards making them clank together.

“Oh please, besides he’s not there anymore either”

“Howie will still be there” This conversation was depressing me. I know he didn’t mean to make me feel guilty but that is exactly how I felt; guilty as sin.

“You’re right… D will never leave that place ever, unless Ricky asks him too”

“You think she will?” I had my own views of their relationship but I was curious to see what AJ thought.

“No” Turns out he thought the same way as I did.

The conversation was dropped until we ended up sitting in the car right out front of the house. The porch light left on for us, just like always.

“Do you think it’s wrong of me to go away and leave him here alone?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer to that one. But I still had to ask, just in case.

“No way kiddo; Howie is a big boy. He’ll do fine but he’ll miss you!”

“Will you miss me?” I looked at him with a pouty face which he grabbed in his hands, “How can I not miss this wittle face?”

The next morning he and Sarah left but not before handing me the friggin biggest trunk I have ever seen. It was filled to the rim with what they called college essentials. Ramen noodles, a hot pot, lot’s of dry cereals and cup of soups. Peanut butter and jelly and of course at the very bottom, a box of condoms.

“Always be prepared, that’s my motto” He said walking over and rubbing Sarah’s belly. “Cause see what happens when you aren’t?” She stage slapped him.

The next day I ventured over to my therapists office just to say a good bye. Even though I had stopped the regular office visits, I liked to think of her as a friend. Maybe that wasn’t healthy but she didn’t seem to mind.

She hugged me and wished me luck. Her receptionist gave me a pen. “That’s to keep in touch” She said.

Just when I thought I had said my final goodbye of course I was called to my sister’s tree. I just didn’t feel right leaving without saying goodbye to her. So I woke up extra early in the morning and drove down there.

I sat under the tree the dew making my butt wet, but I didn’t care. “Mel, this is it baby…I’m leaving. Just like you told me too”

I could see her smiling down at me from wherever it was that God put lost siblings. I liked to picture her sitting on my shoulder, well except when I planned on using those condoms of course. Then she could go visit Howie.

It was odd but I thought saying good bye to her would be hard but it wasn’t. Nowadays it just seemed natural. And according to all the self help books I read this summer, that was a good thing.

Yes I had taken to reading those self help things. Everything from On Death and Dying to Why Bad Things Happen To Good People. They comforted me for some reason, gave me inspiration to write. Which I did all summer long.

I must have conjured up hundreds of characters and placed them in hundreds of stories. Sometimes sitting in my room all night long typing away not even noticing night turning to day.

“Looks like we are almost there” I looked over to Howie who seemed to be squinting at a sign. It read Freshman check in with an arrow pointing westward. The line of cars was as long as a line you would see entering the Lincoln Tunnel. I couldn’t believe we were actually here. It all seemed like a dream to me.

There were men in bright orange vests directing cars on which way to go, they looked like elementary school crossing guards all grown up. When it was our turn Howie mentioned the name of my dorm “Hess Hall” In which the guard motioned for him to make a left and go down a huge hill.

I was really happy to be out of the car. I stretched my arms and rested them on the top of the car while Howie did the same. “Look at all the stuff these people brought” I said looking on in amazement at the tubs of things people were lugging around. I looked into our car and the tiny TV and three suit cases I brought and suddenly felt embarrassed. Compared to these people I was Maria Von Trapp, possibly looking like I had just escaped from somewhere with only the clothes on my back.

Then there were the caravans of people. The Moms and dads all hugging their kids. Helping them with everything. I didn’t think that would bother me, Howie read it in my face, “It’ll be okay Nicky, maybe we are just seeing all the rich kids”

“Yeah maybe”

He walked over and pat me on the back, that’s when I realized what was coming was gonna be the worst. Saying goodbye to Howie was by far going to be the hardest goodbye of them all.

We managed to get all of my stuff up in one trip borrowing a dolly from an RA. The room was a nice size. Only two beds; one of which already had stuff all over it. They took the top bunk so I put my stuff on the bottom one.

The kid who would be my room mate and eventual best friend, brought a lot of stuff with him. On his desk which of course he took the one closest to the window, there was a brand new computer with a flat screen. A huge 24 inch TV on a dresser brimming with tons of pictures from home.

Did I even bring any pictures from home?

I felt a hand on my shoulder, “Nicky it’s going to be okay, I promise” I turned towards Howie and smiled at him, “I know”

“No you don’t, not yet…but I promise you will”

“I’m gonna miss you D” I said grabbing him into a hug. I think it took him by surprise, “I’ll miss you too kiddo” He said chocked up, “If you need me for anything I’ll always be one phone call away. It only take six hours to get here”

“Three if you let AJ drive” I kidded. He ruffled my hair, “Exactly and one if I tell Kevin you joined a cult”

I walked him down to the car, he was only allowed to stay there for an hour before they towed and ticketed him. “You want to stay?” I asked him almost out of desperation.

“Of course I do Boo but if I stay now I might never leave. Go and have a great time! Besides I’ll be back in two weeks for the parent’s night!”

“Howie, I love you” I said opening the car door for him.

“I know, same to you” He said winking at me. “It’ll be okay Boo. I promise”

I watched as he drove away wanting to cry but yet suddenly feeling so free.