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Until I was given a second chance….


The Dwelling Place




That whole night I think I got about ten minutes of sleep. Tossing and turning with the most irrational thoughts plaguing my brain. It’s funny how when things go really good and you are on an ultimate high, nothing and I mean nothing can really bother you. Unfortunately I haven’t known many days like that but for all I know, neither has anyone else. On the opposite end of the spectrum however, the low days; now they were my friends. I was all too familiar with the cycle of the low day.

In that scenario, everything that would happen good or bad, I would manage to over analyze the hell out of it. That’s what happened last night as I let the fight my father and I had plus the impending decision made by Benny whittle away at my nerves to the point of me almost shaking about it.

I had prepared myself for the worst. You learn to do that growing up as me, this way if you are disappointed it won’t come as such a big shock and if by chance things do go your way, it’s the best of the best.

I stewed in thought about how I would take the news of Benny not helping me out while he had helped out everyone else. Especially my father, the man who had the audacity to call him an ass in the car. Benny had done so much for that man but still he was nothing more then my mother’s troublesome older brother. So how would my mind and especially my heart deal with him turning his back on me?

I actually acted out all of the possibilities in my head. There was the stand strong and take it like a man approach. I would humbly say well thank you for at least entertaining the possibility. Then I’d suck it up and learn to live with disappointment. Of course that was my least favorite option.

Then the ever popular give him a piece of my mind scenario. I would tell him where he could stick his money and follow that by a healthy slamming down of the phone. That although the one I was most eager to use would also most likely make me end up visiting good old Dr. Shelby again.

I could always cry, just sit on the phone and burst into tears, instead of saving it for my room. Just make the guy feel so bad his heart will break and he’d have to help me. There would always be the jumping out the window with a note saying this is all your fault Benny option as well. I call that the Mel’s approach.

All of those possibilities swarming through my mind but the truth was, in the deepest depths of my heart, I knew he would come through for me. He had too.

The following morning I got downstairs just as Howie was coming back from his jog. He was wearing a pair of boots and had on so many layers he almost looked comical. “You know it’s not the smartest thing in the world to go out and jog in two feet of snow”

He was still shaking off the snow from his head and drying the floor with a towel as he started stripping off layers of clothing. “I know… I couldn’t actually run today so I started shoveling instead. It’s still snowing now”

I walked over to the window and saw that in fact it was snowing almost as hard as it was before, “Wow…it’s bad out there”

“Yes it is, I hope Ricky’s flight got out okay…I’ve been trying to call her but she hasn’t returned my calls”

“I’m sure she’s fine D”

“I’m glad you got home alright last night Nicky, I was really worried” Maybe he figured I needed to hear that or something. He was right.

“I know and thanks” I walked over and gave him a kiss on the cheek, mostly because I know he hates when I do that and just as I predicted he made a face and wiped my slobber away. “When is Benny going to make his decision you think?” I tried to act as nonchalant as possible.

“I told him you have to be at school in about a week so he’ll call before then…don’t worry” He placed his arm on my shoulder and nodded, “He’ll come through…Benny always does”

I nodded and smiled, “I hope you’re right…not sure what Kenny would do without me up there”

Even though in my mind I had decided either way I was going back to Boston, even if I wasn’t registered I’d sneak my way into the dorms and live in the bathroom or something. If nothing else it would be an entertaining story to tell my grandchildren someday.

“I want to make a snowman” I blurted out which caused Howie to give me an odd look, “A snowman?” I smiled “Yeah a snowman…want to come outside and play with me?”

“Nick it’s still snowing, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Why don’t you wait until it stops?”

“If I do will you come out and play with me?”

“Only if you promise to shovel”

“Fine”

We both stopped when the phone rang; when D saw me stay motionless he moved to answer it, “Hello?” Part of me wanted it to be Benny while the other part, the one that was so used to being disappointed wished it were anyone but him.

“Hey baby…I was worried about you” He turned his back to me which signaled time to give him and his love some privacy. At least we knew Ricky made it home okay. I let out a sigh of relief, or was it disappointment? It was so hard to tell these days.

I decided to not listen to D and put on my boots and coat and wandered out into the snow. It was the kind of snow that fell light but fast so it wasn’t that bad to be outside in it. Unlike the heavy stuff that felt just blechy when it hit you. It always seemed to snow the hard stuff when I would have to walk to school.

The snow drifts had all but covered my car, leaving only about two inches of window showing. This was going to be a bitch to shovel, why did I agree to do that? Now was not the time for shoveling though, now was the time for playing. “Why on earth did he even try to shovel in this?” I had to ask myself as I saw the faintest traces of a path going through our sidewalk. I can’t even say I saw the path because the snow was so deep there was a long way between the fluffy white stuff and concrete but yes I could see his boot prints. Sometimes Howie amazed me.

I loved the sky when it was snowing this hard; it was so pink outside that you would think we were really living in a tulip or something. Wait…are tulips pink? Well like you were living in some kind of pink flower.

A brief memory crossed my mind of the first time I met Amy in the snow and I couldn’t help but smile. I wondered if she was outside making snow angels right now. Part of me wanted to call her but the other part, the more macho typical man part said not to. She had made it clear we were nothing more than friends and friends who barely knew each other did not spend money on long distant phone calls. Well not that many anyway, because I had called her at least twice since being home.

What would life be like if I couldn’t go back to Boston? I shook off the thought, why did my mind always travel back to that? As if to shut my brain up I spontaneously climbed onto our porch railing, it was very slippery a bit too slippery and I learned that the hard way by falling face first off the porch and into the snow.

“Ouch” I put my head up and spit out the snow I had managed to get into my mouth. “That was dumb Carter” I stood up brushing the snow off of my legs. Of course when I looked over at the Novak’s place, he was peering out the window at me. When he saw me glance over his way he quickly closed the curtain.

I walked back up the porch steps and tried once more to do what I had originally intended. I had done this many many times when I was a kid, sitting outside on the porch while watching either Brian or AJ shovel the walkway.

“You wanna jump Boo Boo?” I nodded at my big brother Brian standing with shovel in hand just smiling at me from ear to ear.

“Don’t encourage him he’ll fall and break his little tiny neck” Mel had said grabbing me before I could climb back onto the railing.

“Melissa you are too young to be such a party pooper”

“Yeah someone’s been taking lessons from Kevin”

“Don’t even compare me to Kevin AJ…that’s so unfair”

I tried pulling away from her protective arms but she wouldn’t let me go. “Bite her Nicky”

“Shut up AJ I hate you!” Melissa said pulling me up into her arms. “I want to jump Mew!”

“No Nicky, it’s to dangerous”

“Aww come on Mel, let him try it, I’m right here to catch him…come on Nicky” She rolled her eyes at Brian but knowing unlike AJ he wouldn’t let anything happen to me she put me down on the ground and let me jump onto the chair which then led me to the railing.

I remember at that point getting really scared, but yet refusing to cry. Funny how even at 4 or 5 I was as stubborn as I am now. “Come on Boo, I’ll catch you… ready?”

“If you catch him then what’s the point of him jumping?”

“Shut up and shovel AJ, you’ll see” He held out his hands to me and counted to three very slowly. When I jumped I fell into his arms and we both went falling into the soft snow, “Wheee” He said as we fell. I laughed so hard that I wet myself.

Over the years I had perfected the diving off the porch into snow trick whenever there was enough for me to do that, always getting a kick out of Melissa’s warnings of me one day breaking my neck. I stopped doing that when there was no one there to care anymore. “Or maybe to break my fall”

I climbed up onto the railing once more again slipping and nearly falling off, this time I held onto one of the beams and managed to stand myself up straight. When I was little this looked like such a HUGE fall but now it was nothing. I had to bend my head from hitting the top of the porch ceiling.

“What on earth are you doing Nicky?” Howie’s voice startled me and I turned to talk to him only to once again fall off the porch this time on my back. He came running down the steps, “Are you okay?” His voice was panicked which for some reason amused me to the point of laughter.

“Answer me are you alright? What are you doing? Jesus Nick things aren’t that bad” That was it I fell into a fit of hysterics, “Did you think I was trying to kill myself Howie? By jumping three feet?”

“NO I didn’t say that…I mean…Nicky get off the snow you’re making a scene”

“Howie you should do it…come on jump off the porch into the snow, its fun”

“What? Have you lost your mind child?”

I laid flat on my back now and started flapping my arms and legs to make a snow angel. “Come on…live a little” I honestly couldn’t tell you where my good, silly mood came from but while it was there I planned on enjoying it. I could see Howie was too even though there was also a trace of embarrassment on his part. “Nicky you are going to get sick get up” Now he was laughing right along with me as I made my snow angel.

“I’m not going to get up until you join me down here”

“Nick stop being such a…”

“I’ll start singing Christmas carols”

“You are insane you know that Nicky?”

“Oh you better watch out…you better not cry…”

“Stop you are beginning to sound like dad!” I ignored him and kept on singing cracking myself up as I was doing it. “Are you drunk?” He asked when I paused to take a breath.

“Come on Howie!”

“Mr. Novak is watching us”

“Let him…you better not pout I’m telling you why…”

“Okay fine as long as you shut up and get off the ground before I have to take you to the emergency room for frostbite” He leapt over me and landed right beside me, which caused me once again to burst into laughter.

There we lay side by side making our angels in the snow, “See?” I said after a few moments of silence, “I told you this was fun”

“I can’t remember the last time I made a snow angel Nick”

“I bet you have NEVER made one Howie”

“Only you could get me to do something like this”

“That’s because I rock!” Now I was really starting to get cold but I felt like we were having a moment so I kept quiet.

“I used to do this stuff with Kev all the time; we’d always come out here and play”

“Really? I can’t picture Kevin playing…scolding yes, scowling? Most definitely but not playing”

“Yeah we used to go sledding over by Macintoshes” That place had the best ice cream ever. We lived about three blocks away from it and once I pictured it in my head I saw the huge hill that was out behind it. Now it was a strip club. Funny how that happens, going from ice cream covered in whipped cream to girls covered in whipped cream.

“We had a blast!” I turned to him amused by how easily he could transform himself into a big kid. In many ways D and I were so much alike.

“How’s Ricky?”

“Good…she sends her love”

“Okay well send it right back to her then”

“I’m selling the house Nicky…” He turned to me then, his hair almost covered with snow, “I had a long talk with dad and the guys and it’s definite”

When I didn’t say anything to him he sat up and dusted off the snow from his shoulders, “What do you think about that?”

I was mad that once again he consulted everyone but me to make this pivotal decision. “I don’t know D…I guess it doesn’t matter what I think” I sat up myself, suddenly playtime was over. He extended his hand to me and helped me off the snow, “I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to suddenly attack you with the news, just that Ricky and I have been talking about it a lot lately and I just felt you needed to know”

He instinctively brushed the snow off of my hair like a father would after seeing his son make a mess, “Howie, it’s okay…if nothing else you brought me back to reality” I turned and went up the steps ready to get back into warmth. He followed, “Nicky”

I opened the door for him, “Don’t D…you don’t owe me any explanations or anything. As far as I’m concerned this is your house. If you have to sell it then sell it”

“Don’t’ be mad”

“I’m not mad” I turned to smile at him, I was mad but not at him. Oddly enough I was pissed at Ricky.

“So when is this all happening? Should I start packing now? Because if for some reason Benny doesn’t come through I guess I’ll have to live on the street” Okay maybe I was being a bit irrational, but I was allowed from time to time.

“You won’t live on the street, no matter where I go I expect you to go with me”

“And go is where? Down the street? In the next town? Where is go exactly?”

“Anywhere but here” He answered sounding faraway, that made me stop complaining.

“It’s going to take a while to sell this place Nicky, my guess is you’ll be almost out of college by the time we move anyway”

I sat down and shivered, okay maybe lying in the snow in the middle of a blizzard wasn’t the smartest thing to do. Howie was shivering too. “D…I could be out of college NOW, if things don’t work out”

He squatted down beside me, once again like I was a child “Things always have a way of working out Nicky…you’ll see” And as he drove me to school a week later, I couldn’t help but believe him.