It can’t be true. It can’t be true. I was shaking and crying like I hadn’t done it in four years. What the hell was happening? There’s no way in hell Kevin is dead, not Kevin, not him. I kept telling myself that it couldn’t be possible. I was sitting in the storage room next to the main hall, the first door I had found when leaving my room. I felt the world crashing and before fainting, or at least I thought I was fainting, fainting or dying, I decided to leave that room. When leaving I got to hear Nick’s calling my name, just before bumping into Jeff on the way out. When I pushed him out of my way, I heard Nick telling him to go after me and just like that I put on a noise proof shield around me. I didn’t want to hear them, I didn’t want to feel anything. I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare because yes, that’s what it had to be, a nightmare. Nick wasn’t a pilot, Nick was a scrawny kid safe at home because Kevin was taking care of him. Yes, this was a nightmare and I needed to wake up.

“It can’t be true! He is not dead, I would have sensed it,” I practically yelled closing my eyes and seeing him, remembering him. He was looking at me the same way he did it the last time I saw him. I hit the back of my head against the wall once and again, tears were running down my face while my mind kept repeating Nick’s words over and over. He was declared dead three years ago. Wait. I opened my eyes and got up. Am I trying to see more into it than what it is or are my feelings telling me the truth? I wiped my face with my sleeve, deactivated my shield, took a deep breath and opened the door. Jeff got up immediately. He had been sitting right in front of the door the whole time.

“Are you ok?” I guessed Nick had already told him what happened. 

I nodded and walked into the next room. For a moment I thought he was going to walk after me but he didn’t.

Nick was in there crying. He was sitting with his feet on the floor, which made me think that he had tried to stand up to follow me. I wanted to ask him immediately about his choice of words but he looked so tired and right then, seeing him with tears in his eyes, he was Nicky again, my baby brother. I walked to him and did what I should have done the minute he gave me the news, no, before that, what I should have done the minute he woke up, I embraced him and allowed him to cry on my shoulder. He was still extremely weak so I helped him to lay down and not too long after that he fell asleep again.

I stood there watching him all morning. Jeff asked me if I wanted to eat something but I couldn't. I didn’t want to leave Nick’s side anymore. He looked so different now and yet he was still my little brother.

I smiled to him the next time he opened his eyes.

“Hello kiddo.”

“I...” he began saying but a fit of cough interrupted him. I gave him some liquid protein which I have mixed with some painkillers and saw him made a face while drinking it. 

“Remember that I don’t have Kevin or Howie’s healing powers so you will have to get used to this kind of beverages.”

“I keep thinking that the next time I wake up you will be gone and all this would be just a dream, Jay. Never thought I would be so happy to wake up to your ugly face over and over,” he said giving me back the glass and still coughing a little. “And I never thought you could become any more ugly. Guess I was wrong.” he added pointing to my arms, now completely covered with the tattoos I have collected from every place I’ve visited, or at least the places where I had found someone who could make them.

“Me? What about you? Look at your hair,” I replied ruffling it up. He used to love wearing it longer.

“At least I have hair.” He slapped my hand away and tried to smile but it came out looking more like a grimace.

“Hey, I still have hair just that I choose to shave it off.” I tried to joke too, I’m sure my act wasn’t any better than his. 

He sighed and we stood in silence for a moment.

“Nick....”

“I don't want to believe he is dead either Jay,” he replied not needing to hear my question. 

“Then there's a chance? Because you said he was declared dead. You corrected yourself, Nick.”

“There wasn’t a body. They never found him so he was presumed dead. I won't accept he is dead until I see his body but then,” he sighed closing his eyes. “Brian is right.” He kept going and I was surprised to see there were no tears in his eyes anymore, there certainly were tears in mine. “He has to be dead. There's nothing in there, just like a big black hole. I knew you were alive all this time AJ. I didn't know where you were but I could tell you were okay the same way I can sense Brian and Howie being okay somewhere right now. But Kevin....” He shook his head and closed his eyes. “I don't see him in my mind since that day. It was just a scream and then nothing.”

I shivered clearly remembering the night that I woke up yelling Kevin's name all those years ago. It was probably the same night. 

“What happened? I asked. He opened his eyes and looked at me the same way he used to when he was about to cry back when he was a kid, but this time his face turned hard instead, surprising me again. His voice was still shaking though.

“You have no idea what your departure did to us.”

Have you heard that phrase about words hurting? Well, hearing that right then, felt like a stab directly to my heart. 

“Nick I had to…” 

“You had to?” He shook his head and let out what had to be the most sarcastic laugh I have ever heard. “He went crazy AJ. We all went crazy. He blamed himself for it. So did Brian, and of course Brian thought Kevin blamed him too. I know I thought I was the reason.”

“What?” 

“You were different since the day you used your powers on me.” 

“Nick.”

“Everything changed.” His voice was so soft now, almost a whisper, and he wasn’t looking at me anymore, his eyes focused on something between the wall and the ceiling. 

“Come on, couldn’t be that bad.”

“Wanna know what Kevin did the last day I saw him?” He asked as if he wasn’t really talking to me. I didn’t reply, just looked at him.

“He hit me.” 

What? No way. Nick was looking directly at me now and all that I could think was that there had to be a big mistake, that I had not heard it right. Kevin had never hit Nick before, never. He would never do it, that wasn’t possible at all. Even when we were really little, those first years in Phillipians when Kevin was learning how to be a parent, which was fucking crazy already since he himself was just a kid, well, during those first years he tried the spanking route with us both a couple of times but when I said with us both I meant with me because even as a tiny runt Nick was a big drama queen and the only time Kevin spanked him, the kid cried so much that I think Kevin almost died from remorse listening it. After that time, all that Nick had to do was give Kevin his patented puppy eyes to instantly disarm him. Since then, we would all get soft cuffs to the head or slap to the arm from Kevin here and there but when Nick was the one in the receiving end it was so soft that I would always complained about how unfair it was that my punishments always seemed to be harder. Not even when the kid went through his swinging stage did Kevin ever raised a hand to him, he would just hold him really tight, more like hugged him, until Nick would calm down. And for the rest of us hitting Nick was clearly out of limits too, as teenagers we went through physical fights like all brothers do but Kevin had some strict rules and he would always said that he won’t ever allowed us punching Nick or anything like that.

“He did,” he repeated knowing that I couldn’t believe it. “I was yelling at him for something, calling him names and, you know, just being a jerk, the next thing I know I was on the other side of the room, blood coming down my mouth ‘cause of the force he put behind the punch,” he said looking down.

“What the hell, he punched you?”

“And just like that he walked away.” His turned his eyes on me again. “I never asked for his forgiveness for what I had said. He never asked me either. I know he regretted it. He went into my room that night and stroked my hair. I heard him telling me he was sorry when he thought I was sleeping. He never said it to my face. The next day he left the base on a mission without saying goodbye and he never came back.”

I couldn’t believe his words.

“We all acted out differently. He kept fighting with everyone. Howie became distant and Briand bitter. Like I said earlier, Rok thought Kevin blamed him.” 

“Why?”

“You ran away on his guard.”

“That’s crazy, man.”

“I know, and I’m sure Kevin never really blamed Brian but then we all thought the others were blaming us when in reality we all kept blaming ourselves.”

“This is not how things were supposed to be. You were supposed to be alright. I left so you could be okay.” 

“Yes, and the universe is made of fireflies and jellybeans and Kevin was supposed to always be around, right? We were so stupid AJ, we both were so stupid.” He was shaking his head and I realized he was trying to hold back the tears. “I can’t believe I thought he would be around forever just because a dumb promise made to a scared child,” he continued, and I understood immediately what he was really referring to. 

~ × ~ × ~ × ~ × ~ × ~ × ~× ~ × ~ × ~

They had been in Philippians for over a year already and were getting used to things there. The kid’s nightmares had become less frequent and all of them had made friends. They were all attending school; all except Kevin, who had been admitted almost immediately into the Academy and was pretty comfortable in there, as he had realized that becoming a soldier had always been his true calling. But the war seemed to be running into its most dangerous stage the morning that Kevin shared the news with them.

“Guys,” Kevin said entering the tiny room they all still shared. “There’s something I need to tell you.” 

“Usually nothing good comes from you saying those words, Kev.” Brian said from where he had been lying on his stomach on one of the bunk beds, a book he had been reading to Nick in front of him and Nick at his side.

“This is good kiddo. They are great news in fact.” Kevin took a seat on the same bed and Alex and Howie sat down on the one in front. “I am being sent to battle.”

Four pairs of eyes stared at him in awe. 

“Are you kidding? How is that good news?” Brian was the first one to speak again.

“That’s dangerous Kevin. You can die there.”

“Howie!” Kevin yelled pointing at the kids with his eyes. But Brian was the only one looking distressed. Alex and Nick were not saying a single word, as if they were not really grasping what was going on. 

“I’m sorry Kevin but you are fifteen, you aren’t supposed to go to war when you are a kid yourself.”

“D, it’s okay. The fact that they are treating me like an adult isn’t bad but good news. There’s an amount of money allotted to soldiers, better rooms too. I will be able to take better care of you guys”.

“They are treating you as cannon fodder.” 

“D! Stop it!”

“Are you gonna die?” Nick asked almost in a whisper and Howie bite his bottom lip at the harsh look Kevin gave him before he turned to Nick.

“What? No, of course not. I’m not gonna die, baby.” 

“But people die when they go to battle. Jane’s dad died.”

“Come here kiddo.” Kevin lifted the little boy and placed him on his lap. 

“You can’t leave us Kevin. Please don’t go.”

“Nick, I have to, but I’ll be back.”

“You promise it?” The kid asked him laying his face against Kevin’s chest. 

“Yes, I promise it,” he said placing a kiss on the boy’s head. “There will be many battles but I will always come back. The five of us will be together for a long, long time.”

~ × ~ × ~ × ~ × ~ × ~ × ~× ~ × ~ × ~

I talked to him after that.

“Huh?” I guessed he hadn’t realized I was remembering the exact same moment of the past. 

“The first time he was sent to battle, after he promised you that he would always come back. I talked to him after that, Nick.” 

“You did?” 

“Yes, when he left the room I went after him.” 

~ × ~ × ~ × ~ × ~ × ~ × ~× ~ × ~ × ~

“That was a stupid thing to promise, Kev.”

“Watch your mouth, Alex,” Kevin said turning around. A minute before he had been wiping the tears away from his eyes but the kid didn’t have to know that. He had to smile at Alex’s attitude, arms crossed in front of him and a frown on his face, looking way older than his eight years.

“Why did you do that? You know that’s something you can be sure will happen.”

“You know kiddo, you are definitely wise beyond your age most of the time, but you are wrong about this. I’m sure about what I just promised.”

“No, you aren’t. You can’t be sure.”

“Yes, I can and I am. Nothing will happen to me during this war, Alex. I made a promise to our parents that I would take care of you guys and I don’t break my promises that easy. I’m not breaking that promise and I won’t break this one either.”

The boy ran to him and hugged his waist.

“You better keep that promise, Kevin,” he said starting to cry into Kevin’s shirt just to be lifted up by his big cousin in an embrace.

“I will, kiddo, I will.” 

~ × ~ × ~ × ~ × ~ × ~ × ~× ~ × ~ × ~

“You are not the only one that believed that promise, Nick” I used the back of my hand to wipe away the new tears that the memories were bringing to my eyes.

“He kept it for the war. He knew because of the crystal that nothing would happen to him then. But we assumed he meant forever because that’s what we wanted to believe. Guess we both grew up thinking that our big brother was invincible and would always be around, eh?”

“Hey, how many kids can say that their big brother has super powers? He was invincible, Nick. No, scratch that. He still is. I refuse to talk about him in past tense. You know what? I refuse to let Kevin break that promise.”

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