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Here is the epilogue! Please let me know what you think, and if you haven reviewed before, what you thought overall. It will determine weather or not I do a sequel, which I have ideas brewing up already..so please take a minute to let me know what you thought. Thanks!

Epilogue

As he sat in the hospital bed, Howie looked down at his tightly bandaged wrists, wrapped in white gauze. He’d had to have stitches...forty-eight of them on each arm...to close up the wounds he’d inflicted upon himself in what he had once hoped to be his final minutes alive. The cut that would take his life. Looking back, he couldn’t believe he’d wanted to do such a thing, and was glad as well as felt lucky to be alive. It had been six days, and although he was cooped up, he was cherishing every moment of it.

Howie had been placed in the psych ward of the hospital. It was just for the time being, so he could get proper counseling and to make sure he wouldn’t follow down the same previous path once he was out. The doctors wanted to make sure there was enough time for him to fully heal mentally and for the anti-depressants, Celexa, to set in to his blood and take full effect. His stay was estimated to be around two months. The medication was already starting to work, but he had a long road ahead of him. He was constantly being monitored closely too, to top it all off, to ensure he didn’t find anything to cut with in the hospital, as that behavior wasn’t completely uncommon.

When a light knock on the door came, Howie looked up and smiled shyly at who he saw...his four brothers, the ones who he knew he should have trusted enough in the first place to go to for help before things got out of hand the way that they did. He knew now that they would have been there for him through whatever he was suffering from.

“Hi.” Howie greeted softly, for this was the first time he’d been able to have any visitors since he’d been admitted. Knowing AJ, Kevin, Nick and Brian though, they hadn’t left the hospital once in those six long days, “Um, you cam come in...”

The four slowly shuffled their way in to the hospital room. They seemed to be uncomfortable, and Howie really couldn’t blame them. After all, how did one act around one of your best friends right after he attempted to commit suicide. Especially A.J, who had walked in to their shared hotel suite and found him sitting beneath the covers of his own double bed, looking down at his wrists as he’d already started to bleed to death, the bed covered in a pool of red..


They all stood there at Howie’s bedside, although nobody said a word. Howie for one couldn’t think of anything to say. So instead, they all just stared at one another in complete silence other than the ticking of the wall clock.

“How’re you doing?” Brian asked, being the first to speak.

Howie shrugged, “Decent as I can be, I suppose.” he replied, “Embarrassed, but hey, that’ll pass too, right?”

Again, nobody said anything. A.J. refused to even look in Howie’s direction. They’d been the closest duo of the group, the best of friends. It had scared him senseless walking in to see what he had. He figured it had been an act of God which made him return to the suite right when he had, for if he’d been even one minute later, who knows if Howie would have been alive or conscious or been able to be saved. He’d come back at the nick of time, but it still wouldn’t erase the permanent scarring images he now had in his head. Those wouldn’t disappear for a long time coming.

“What were you thinking?” Kevin finally asked the question everybody else wasn’t gutsy enough to bring up themselves. His voice wasn’t angry, but sad, hurt and confused, “Why...how...what ever convinced you to resort to such a method of releasing pain and anger.”

“I...I don’t know, to be honest.” Howie replied, “It was just a thought at first...I’d heard it wasn’t dangerous as long as it was kept simple, only I let it get out of hand. I cut once probably five months ago...telling myself I would never do it again...” his voice trailed off. He felt stupid, but it felt good to finally be able to talk openly with everyone about it. If only he’d done it sooner. Five months sooner. He had resorted to a different path though, and he was the least suspectable to such a thing.

“Were things really that bad?” A.J. asked, looking at Howie with a gaze of betrayal. His voice startled everyone, for he’d been standing back.

Howie nodded. In his mind, they really, honestly had been. Just two weeks before, he’d almost dove over a twelve story balcony. He’d been planning his suicide for weeks, if not months once the tour was over. He’d even been planning on leaving the group, which also startled him in his healthy mind set. Everything he’d loved turned in to misery, but was slowly becoming enjoyable to him once more now that he was starting to think clearly again.

“We would have helped,” A.J. said, “Would have wanted to...why didn’t you come to us?”

“I didn’t want help,” Howie admitted, “I wanted to deal with it my way, which has left permanent tracings that will be daily reminders of what I did to myself...ugly, deep scars all over my body.” The doctors had given him the option of surgery to minimize the scars. He was still thinking about it, but the one that was going to take his life he wanted to be left alone so he would always be reminded that if he wasn’t careful, he might not live to the next day. Life was a precious gift that could not be taken for granted, for there were so many things out there that could take it from beneath your feet in an instant.

All was silent for a long moment. Howie wondered if he’d possibly lost his four best friends because of his inability to communicate with them. His lack in trust in them to go to them for help...his lack of trust and confidence in himself to go on. He was confused, yet everything seemed to be so clear. Nothing made sense to him, including what he’d done to himself as well as tried to do in the end. It was like he was living a whole separate life, yet he knew that it had all been him. Howie Dorough and nobody else.

“I can’t believe you tried to end your life,” Brian said softly, shaking his head.

Howie bowed his head in shame. He was humiliated, but knew he’d have to face the music now the way he should have been doing all along. He supposed that he should just be thankful that he had lived to making that judgement. Howie still had a lot of recovering to do, both physically and mentally.

“What about Maddy?” Kevin asked him, “Hasn’t she been here?”

Howie shook his head, “She broke up with me awhile ago...three year relationship down the drain like spoiled leftovers,” he paused momentarily, “That’s really what started everything...her leaving.”

He received a couple looks of sympathy along with some of disbelief. He couldn’t read their minds, but was sure that they were thinking that he’d gone mad. But when his long-time girlfriend, or rather fiancé, had dumped him, he’d been so distraught the whole world became dark and ugly to him. He didn’t care to see anything good in anything, therefore just didn’t try. As a result, things kept getting worse and the ‘stress’ he’d thought he felt had all been in his mind.

“We’re sorry to hear that.” Brian stated, “You can find someone better and more worthy of your time.”

“Whoa,” Howie smiled, “Not ready to take on a relationship yet. I’ve got my own issues to sort through before having someone else in my life like that,” he sighed, “I wonder how the fans are going to react to this...beings it is bound to be all over the media. We’ll get a bad reputation and all sorts of rumors made up...” his voice trailed off. There were reporters and paparazzi surrounding the building trying to get in to his room as he spoke. Word was bound to get out sooner or later. No matter what, they were always found, even in the darkest, most secretive of situations. The Boys had to be brought in with heavy protection from body guards, more so than usual with police blocking off access to the unwanted. His worry was them losing a lot of what they had, respect being the main thing, because of his own selfish act.

“We’ll worry about that when we have to cross that bridge.” Kevin answered immediately, patting their friend on the back, “Right now, lets just worry about concentrating on you getting better, alright?”

Howie smiled gratefully. He’d been slightly apprehensive with fear of the guys blaming him for the horrible articles and disrespect from some fans that was sure to come. They honestly didn’t seem to care though, so he wasn’t going to put the unneeded stress on himself.

“Times up. Howie needs his rest,” a nurse appeared in the doorway, “Wrap things up now.”

The four looked back to Howie, “Well, take
care.” Brian sighed, “And we’ll see you again tomorrow.”

“Just glad to know you’re alright.” Nick sighed, knowing that Howie really wasn’t quite alright yet.

They all hugged and finished up their goodbyes as they slowly started to walk away. Howie watched them go, something on his mind he wanted to say before they parted.

“Hey, guys,” he called out before they were fully out the door. The four best friends and ‘brothers’ turned to look at him, “I’m sorry.” he softly said, truly apologetic for everything he must have put them through emotionally and for not going to them for help in the first place. He knew now that everybody had their problems. Kevin was going through a divorce. Nick was going through rumors about him being a cross-dresser, which still hadn’t died down much. AJ just a few months ago had his own bout with alcohol and was going on two months sober. Brian’s life seemed to be perfect, but Howie was sure that he, too, was battling an issue of his own. They all had their own problems, making him realize that he wasn’t alone.

He got four small smiles as they disappeared completely from view. Howie sighed, staring out the window at all of the people surrounding the building. He’d wanted the chance to talk with AJ in private, but he figured he’d have plenty of time to patch things up with his best friend, who he knew was very angry with him. They all were. He knew nothing would ever be the same again, but it could be close. It wasn’t too late to make things better, for this was one of the leading days to the rest of his life. Howie was going to make the best of it with all that he’d learned from this life-changing experience.