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Chapter Five

Brian smiled at a young girl as she shakily handed him a CD booklet from the groups Black and Blue album. She stared at him like a deer caught in the headlights, as if she were terrified of him. He quickly scribbled his signature and passed the booklet on down to Kevin, whom was sitting next to him.

“Thank you,” she whispered to him not trusting her voice completely enough to speak out loud, giving a half smile.

“Your very welcome, sweetheart,” Brian drawled in his southern accent. He smiled back at her, his bright blue eyes shining.

That morning had come much too soon. All of them had stayed up late, mostly worrying about Nick, who’d been out until almost midnight...many hours past the curfew Kevin had given him. But when he had finally come through the door, he was carrying three large bags from Toys R Us. It went without saying that he’d likely gone out to buy a new Play Station 2...again and replace all of his games, plus some, that he’d probably left behind as well. He couldn’t go more than a day without any of them. Get Nick into a toy store, and he spent hours there. In fact, nobody could tear him away until he was good and ready. And if he was forced out, he threw a fit and pouted for the rest of the day as if he really were five years old. The point was though, everybody was exhausted from being pulled out of bed by eight that morning. The signing was to start at ten. When the Boys’ had shown up at half past nine, there was already a large line of girls waiting. Brian found it unfortunate that they were only doing signings in five select cities throughout the entire tour. It left a lot of fans out.

“Hi. Could you please sign this?” a girl who looked to be about eighteen asked, shyly handing him a blank piece of paper. She’d distracted him from his thoughts, making him realize he couldn’t remember anything from the past few minutes. He’d just gone along with the motions, not paying attention. Daydreaming. He’d learned in the past years that daydreaming would happen...a lot, but you had to keep going as if you were as clear headed and with what was going on at all times. Sometimes he had trouble with that part.

Brian grinned, asking her what her name was so he could personalize it. She told him it was Mica. He signed and handed it to Kevin as he did with the ones before. The line continued to grow with every person that they met. They’d only been there an hour. The line would be cut off in another ninety minutes or so. Brian’s thoughts were distracted again by Nick’s voice ringing out in a sing-song voice.

“Lookie what I got!” he exclaimed, causing the other four’s eyes to advert towards him. He was holding up a rather large bra, swinging it in the air.

“Oh lord,” Brian muttered, chuckling slightly, “Here we go again.”.

“Always get one of those,” A.J. countered, shaking his head in amusement, “What I don’t get is that when Nick acts all immature, like he’s never seen one before, the girls blush all embarrassed and shit. They should expect it without thought by now.”

They looked at Nick who was now strapping the bra to his head and puffing up the cups to make it look like he had big, round ears. He grinned impishly. This caused girls in line behind the now humiliated bra owner to laugh as she bowed her head in shame, just wishing he would sign it with the felt tipped sharpie she’d given them to use also.

“And he does that with them,” Brian laughed, then loudly said in his friends direction, “Take it off and pass it along. You’ve done enough to the poor girl.” he demanded lightheartedly of his friend.

Nick stuck his bottom lip out and unstrapped it hesitantly. He signed it quickly and handed it to Howie who was second in line. Unfortunately, Nick was first up in the walk of shame the girl had to counter instead of last, where she could just bolt.

“I swear that boy is out of his mind,” Kevin grumbled, smiling at her apologetically as she reached him last. After getting her bra back, she bolted as fast as she could away before Nick could say anything else to her in front of the crowd laughing at her expense.

“More like lost his mind,” Brian laughed, hoping that there wouldn’t be another incident like that, especially with a pair of underwear. Or worse yet, a thong. That would not go over well at all. A rather disturbing image entered Brian’s mind of a thong over Nick’s face, string side going up over the center of his face, nose and all. He quickly shook the thought from his mind, shuddering in disgust. Lord, he hoped these girls had more common sense than that. It would save them all from pictures in their heads that would cause nightmares for a very long time.

Just as predicted, the signing lasted not much longer than an two and a half hours. Just on time to finish the last of the people in line, which had been cut off at the end ninety before. Thankfully, no other girls had brought in personal belongings. They’d been saved this time, although it was for sure that there would be a lovely photograph of Nick’s head piece in some tabloid in the next week.

“That sure was interesting,” A.J. commented as they were walking back out to the bus, followed by tight security, “These New England chicks are racy.”

“Chicks are racy period when it comes to seeing us...although I dunno why,” Brian stated, then grinned jokingly, “At least nobody flashed us this time. We’ve seen more pairs of breasts than is healthy for any male.”

“Like you mind, you little perve.” Howie laughed.

Brian blushed and shrugged. True, he was religious, but definitely didn’t mind seeing some boobs now and then. He was only human....male human. He could only keep his urges and thoughts obtained so much. Other than being religious and spiritual, he was pretty much like any other guy out there.

“Oh well, whatever,” Howie stated with a shrug as he climbed on to the bus, “Not the first time, wont be the last either. I’m just looking forward to sleeping for a few minutes before the show tonight. I don’t think I’ll last if I go the whole day on this little energy.”

“I hear ya,” Nick announced, “Sleepy sounds good! How bout it, Daddy? Can we go sleepy? Pwease?”

Kevin rolled his eyes and ignored Nick, knowing that his mind would wander to something else within a few minutes if he just looked the other way. Sure enough it did. Looking at his pocket sized schedule, Kevin saw that until the show, there was really nothing planned.

“As long as we stay around the general area, I don’t see why you can’t do whatever,” he stated, “The rest of the week is booked solid, so enjoy it today while you can.”

He had plans of his own. Plans that involved meeting up with his wife, who was in the area on modeling business. He hadn’t seen her in months, and needed some personal catching up and bonding time. Especially since their relationship was on the rocks. He was determined to fix things before they were too bad to ever repair.

“Just be back by three-thirty...we have to be at the arena at four-thirty...gives us a good two and a half hours of freedom.” Kevin warned, “And no being late this time...for the love of god. Lets be responsible for once.”

“Yes, Daddy,” Nick grinned, backing up quickly with the dirty look Kevin was giving him. He liked the new name he’d been calling Kevin for the past two days though and was addicted to using it. He found it funny. The others, minus Kevin, did too by the laughs they all tried to stifle whenever he used it.

“Just be back by three-thirty, huh?’ Kevin responded. rolling his green eyes.

The bus was just pulling back up in to the hotel parking lot. This would be their last hotel for about a week. The rest of the week, they’d be sleeping on the bus. By the looks of it, Kevin was going to be the only one taking off. The others had visions of sleep in their minds. He’d be the only one having to make it back by his own deadline. The others made their way sluggishly in to the hotel. Kevin stayed on the bus, knowing it would be his form of transportation to surprise his wife at the hotel she was staying with other models on the same trip. He had just over two hours and wanted to make the most of his time. Hopefully that time was spent creating good times and not more bad.

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Taking a deep breath, Kevin pushed open the
front doors to the Hyatt. He knew that his wives recitals were taking place in one of the empty rooms of the Convention Center attached to the enormous hotel. The question was, which one? She’d left out that detail. He’d tried calling her cell phone, but had been sent straight to voice mail, which told him that at that moment, she was in the middle of business.

Wandering around the lobby area of the large hotel and down a long narrow hallway leading to the convention center, he started to see signs that directed viewers to the models. He followed them, ending up in a room with a runway, but was stopped short at a doorway when he opened it and was stopped by security.

“I’m going to have to see your pass,” he guard stated gruffly as he blocked access to the entire door way , crossing his arms over his huge chest.

Kevin looked past his shoulder and saw a woman he recognized vaguely from other runway shows he’d seen his wife in. He wondered if he’d missed her already, or if she was even there at the moment.

“One of the models is my wife,” he explained, “Kristin...”

“Oh, yes. I recognize you now,” the man cut him off, eyeing him up and down for a second cautiously jjust to make sure before saying, “Okay, go on in.”

Kevin stepped past the man without another word, breezing in to the room and taking a seat towards the front. The place was nearly empty, beings they were just practicing. The real show would take place closer to the time where the Boys were to do their own performance. He watched for a few minutes as each tall, elegant woman took the runway, already perfect in every aspect; their confidence, their attitude, their looks, their show. He had to admit that he was impressed. And then Kristin appeared and his breath caught in his throat. She looked absolutely breathtaking in every way. She walked down the runway with attitude, flipping her long blonde hair over her shoulder with one sharp turn of her head, stopping at the end , where during the real show photographers would capture the moment. Her eyes fell on Kevin and he could tell that she was shocked, but after a moment regained her composure acting as if she hadn’t a worry in the world. Seconds later she was walking back the other way and soon disappeared all together just as another woman came in to view. Kevin sighed, not helping but to believe that she wasn’t happy to see him. So much for being a good surprise. He slumped down in to his seat, watching but not really paying attention. He didn’t want to be rude and leave in the middle of one of their routines, at least having that much respect. Looking at his watch, he saw that he still had about an hour to go before he had to head back.

“What are you doing here?” came a firm female voice

Kevin looked sideways and saw his wife standing before him. A nervous smile formed on his face as he quickly stood up and gave her a long hug. She hardly wrapped her arms around him, having them hang limply at her sides mostly. Kevin let go and backed away to observe the once very affectionate woman. She was staring at him, not looking too happy. He felt as if they were worlds apart. Total strangers as he looked at his wife, a woman who’d been his high school sweetheart. What had happened between them?

“I came to see you, darlin.” Kevin answered, attempting to keep a certain happiness in his voice. He tried to kiss her, but she turned her head, sadness in her eyes. He looked at her with confusion, “What’s wrong?”

Kristin shrugged, “I...I’m not sure,” she answered softly, “I think we need to spend some time apart. I need time alone.”

Kevin drew back, wondering if he’d heard her right. He couldn’t have. If he had, what a greeting, a slap in the face. He was dozing off and imagining the worst possible scenario that could happen. Kristin hadn’t really said those words. It was impossible.

“I need time alone, Kevin,” she said again without any emotion in her voice. It was as if she’d been planning this for weeks, “Time to think things over”

“We’re never together,” Kevin tried to protest, “We’re always alone. Why do you need more time alone?”

He was feeling desperate. Sure, things weren’t very good between them lately, but he was willing to try and work things out. All they needed was time together to do that, but he was sure that it could be done. He wasn’t ready to lose his wife. I didn’t think he’d ever be ready to lose her. He wasn’t willing to give up so quickly nor so easily.

“I just need to think about things. Whenever we are together, things are so distant. I feel like we’ve grown apart with out separate careers,” she explained, “I...I think that we both....both need to think about things. If it’s what we want out of a relationship,” she laughed bitterly, “Let’s face it...every time we’re together, we just argue anymore. What kind of relationship is that?”

“I already know what I want,” Kevin stated with anger, his voice rising, “I want you. I can’t believe you even need to think...are willing to practically just throw away a nearly twenty year relationship.”

“It’s not just what I want, Kevin,” Kristin shouted, “If we can’t agree....I don’t know. True, we’re never together anymore. True, I knew we’d be in the same city, but purposely didn’t tell you details of my whereabout because I frankly didn’t want to see you. I think our lifestyles are what’s torn us apart. If You want to stay together but I don’t, it will never work anyway. Frankly, right now, I am leaning more towards divorce...but am freakin thinking things through to decide if it is what I really want. But yes, at this exact moment, I do think that divorce is what is in the cards for us.”

Kevin felt as if he’d been slapped. The word divorce had never once entered his mind. Not ever. Not even in the worst of times. He’d promised to love, honor and cherish her forever. Only a few years after their marriage was nowhere near forever. He still wanted to keep that promise, to apparently she didn’t. It stung. It stung a lot. Here he’d been excited to see his wife, and she wanted nothing to do with him. Kevin was beside himself. He had no idea what to think what so ever. And this was what they did every time they were together or spoke on the phone lately. Fought. Yelled at one another. Although the frightening words Kristin was speaking this day had never come up before. Before it was just casual conversation with an annoying edge. He guessed that this had been on her mind for awhile.

“We promised each other forever, Kris,” he tried, his voice still loud. They were getting stares from all around, but he didn’t care, “Does that mean nothing to you? I love you more than anything. We can make things work if we just try...if you’re willing to try, because I am.”

“Things change, Kevin,” Kristin yelled back, getting more upset by the minute that he wasn’t listening to her. He was begging, and it was pissing her off royally, “Things change. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be to begin with.”

“We promised.” he said again meekly, hoping that it would change something. He was desperate to make things work. He loved her.

“I have work to do,” Kristin said cooly, totally
disregarding everything Kevin had just said, “I’ll call you when I’ve come to a decision.” She said it without any emotion at all. As if she didn’t care how much she was hurting him. And she was...more than she’d ever know.

Kevin looked at her for a long second, seeing that there was not once ounce of caring for him in her eyes. He turned around quickly to leave, walking out of the room, out of the hotel to go back to the group to get ready for the show. He was already out of the room, walking quickly away before Kristin, the woman whom he’d once had a strong connection and inseparable relationship with, could see the blinding tears falling from his eyes.


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It wasn’t working any longer. The cutting wasn’t working because it was becoming too obvious on the places he was cutting, and he hadn’t had the nerve to try elsewhere yet. This angered him, for he had to keep doing it. If he was going to keep going, he knew he had to keep doing it to keep him sane in front of the others.

The performance that night hadn’t been the greatest. In fact, he knew it had been his worst in a long while. He’d had things on his mind. Serious things. People kept asking him if he was alright, and he’d had to lie. Then again, one of the others had been off as well. For this he was thankful. It meant that he wasn’t completely at fault. The other guys kept on taking attention off of him for their own lives blunders. He, however, was the only one harming himself. That he knew. But as long as the others kept messing up too, he knew nobody would ever find out his secret. He hoped that they did keep messing up for this fact.

That day before the show, he’d gone off to the mall to buy some athletic wrist bands from Hot Topic to cover what he’d done on his wrists and around. Everybody had looked at him as if he were an alien, and he kind of was. He didn’t fit in at the store full of people dressed in all black, hair odd colors, piercing’s in places that weren’t natural such as in the back of the neck or through fingers. That was certain. He’d winced in pain just looking at them, but knew it was the only place he’d for certain find what he was looking for.

His depression was becoming more intense every day still. Noting seemed to be getting better. In fact, he hadn’t even heard from his significant other in weeks. He’d thought that they were just taking time off, but things were not looking good. Some of the others relationships had already ended completely recently.

Taking a beer bottle, he threw it hard against the wall. That was another thing that he’d started...drinking. Nobody knew it though. He drank every time he was alone in the room...such as this night. And beings after this they’d be on the road, on a bus for a week, he’d have to get everything out of his system then and there as much as he could. It shattered in to dozens of pieces. He smiled sadly as he went over to the mess, digging though with his bare fingers until he found the largest shard. Picking it up, he made sure that the points would do him justice. Nodding in satisfaction, he stripped down, looking over his body for a place to cut that could be hidden at all times. Without thinking, his hand went directly towards his firm stomach, slicing hard against it. Blood poured out of the wound, and he felt something he hadn’t before. This time was different. Different was good. His once perfect skin was slowly becoming a piece of art. A lovely piece of art in which he had to keep hidden from the world. Nothing could or would ever make him show it off. It was for himself to keep adding to. Every time he felt depressed and like he needed to escape from his sorrows, which was every day, he would make another insertion to take away the raw emotional pain he felt. When he cut, he felt nothing. No more pain. That’s the way he liked it, and once he got the nerve, eventually, he hoped that he felt nothing all together, at all, ever again.