Periwinkle Days
The days that followed were all an endless blur to me. Everyday Nick grew stronger and stronger and our attacker got farther and farther away. I told the police every detail I could think of, from the stab wound that I had inflicted on the guy who did this to us, to the plastic garbage bag full of bloody clothes that had to be somewhere around the hotel. Unless he took them as a token to remember us by.
Nick and I did our best to recall every detail that we could remember and that’s exactly what was happening to me, I was remembering everything. I think it helped having Nick awake because as he talked about something I also instantly remembered it; from the sour smell to the blood everywhere.
It all was back whether I wanted it to be or not.
I also found myself not wanting to leave Nick’s side, not even to go to sleep. Kevin was annoyed by that insisting that I was wearing myself out by just staying at the hospital all day and night but I felt safe there. I think Nick did too, I saw it in the way he looked over at me after I shot down his insistence that I go home and rest. He didn’t want me to leave anymore than I wanted to.
One of them always stayed with us, never leaving just the two of us alone, except on the last night Nick was in the hospital. I stood in the hallway while Nick’s parents visited him and begged Kevin to let me just stay with him alone.
“I don’t know Brian…I’d feel more comfortable if I stayed”
“I know Kevin…I just feel like I need some alone time with him, he’s going home tomorrow and Lord knows when I’ll get to see him again”
Jane and Bob decided to bring Nick back to Florida and understandably so. He needed a break, we all did but I didn’t want us to be apart anymore. Florida seemed so far away. It WAS so far away. He even asked me to go with him but my parents were pretty adamant themselves about me going home to rest so tonight was going to be the last night we would see each other for a while.
“You’ll see him again Brian it’s not like he going to be gone fore…” He stopped himself. After this he couldn’t say something as mundane as he’s not going to be gone forever because this thing made us realize you never know. Kevin paused and then nodded, “Okay maybe it’s a good idea”
“Thanks”
“The Carters might want some alone time with him though”
“They’re going to have him for at least 6 weeks Kevin, tonight is my turn” My cousin laughed and somewhere in my head I heard my brother saying “That boy is your puppy dog” followed by “Can I keep him mom please?”
So after Jane and Bob finally left the hospital still without making eye contact with me, I ventured inside to see Nick. I made it a habit of bringing something silly into the room whenever I went to see him, mostly because it proved to be a nice distraction at those times when we both felt ourselves getting sad.
My therapist thought it would be a good idea. “Focus on something pleasant when you feel yourself going back there”
To me pleasant was something silly, something that could make us laugh and take away our sad thoughts. It was funny to think that grief could so easily be hidden behind a Mr. Potato Head or to the left of a deck of stripper playing cards or like today, where our grief would be secretly masked by a ridiculous dancing gopher singing Jailhouse Rock.
When I entered the room he was sitting up and staring at the television, I knew that he wasn’t watching it though. He was looking behind it. That’s where the nightmare of what happened was living for him today.
I put on the dancing gopher and started dancing with it as I entered the room. He laughed and shook his head, “Brian…you are NOT right”
“Went to a party in the county jail…” I sang in my Donald Duck voice, why not right? If I as going to be ridiculous why not be totally insanely ridiculous. He just watched amused occasionally laughing. Until finally the thing stopped as I sat on the chair by his bed.
“It’ll be nice being back in your own bed huh?” He nodded, but he didn’t seem all that excited about it.
“Well, I’m kind of looking forward to getting back into my bed. My mom will spoil me rotten I’m sure” He didn’t respond but kept staring into space. Today was one of those days for him.
“You okay?” He nodded once again and laid back down grimacing a little while he did so. “Just not keen on leaving you guys”
“We are gonna miss you Nicky but you need your rest. I think we all do”
“I know but still…it’ll be weird”
It would be weird, so weird because before this happened we were in the middle of everything. So busy, barely any time to breathe. Now we had all the time in the world and that was scary. When my mother came back to see me only a day or so after Nick woke up she mentioned to me for the first time that maybe I should stop with the band. Come back home and relax. I was still young and could always get back into show business later if I still wanted to do that. She said she was scared to death that something like this could happen to me again only this time I wouldn’t be so lucky.
It was odd hearing my mother talk like that because she has always encouraged me to follow my dreams. To hear her asking... no begging me to stop was so sad. At least in the end she did say I was 21 years old. Old enough to make my own decisions and that she would honor whatever choice I made.
What about Nick though? He was only 16. What if his parents didn’t give him the same freedom? What if this was seriously the last time I would ever see him. I mean it’s not like it would be totally out of the realm of possibility for his parents to pull him out of the group after something like this has happened.
If I had a son, I might just do the very same thing.
“Maybe you can come and visit me?” I was broken out of my thoughts and looked over at him. “Yeah maybe…party at Nick’s house” He laughed.
“Maybe you all can come and see me”
“Well, AJ and Howie will be close so I bet they’ll be bugging you more than anything”
“Yeah” I could tell we were both going to that place again so I made the gopher sing another round of Jailhouse Rock. I think Nick was grateful for that as he forced a laugh again. Still not back to the natural giggle he had that made me always crack up.
“While I’m home my mom is going to consult a plastic surgeon about my scars” I always had to look away whenever he talked about the scars. The ones that I had gave him. The good news was that I hadn’t done all the damage. I only carved the one word on his arm. The bad news is that I had to sit and watch while our attacker did the rest.
“I said look at me when I’m doing this” I refused to look; I just couldn’t bare it anymore. I tried to tackle the guy so many times as he hurt Nick that he actually handcuffed me to the towel rack, even then I struggled as he hurt my friend, my little brother.
“I said look at me when I do this!!!” He walked over and grabbed my chin and I actually spit in his face. I closed my eyes and braced for a slap but didn’t get one. That’s when the feeling of anger took me over. The same feeling I had in my dreams but was never fully sure why. I had never hated another human being as much as I hated this one right now.
“You know that attitude will only hurt Nick not help him. I thought you were the church boy….the God boy. That other one is the rebel, not you. The good boy”
I scowled at him which made him smile. I still couldn’t make myself look at Nick, but I couldn’t block out his cries. He was sobbing and it was awful.
“There we go…you are mine forever kid you know that? Mine…all those screaming girls all over Europe and Germany think that they own you but they don’t. I do”
“No…one…owns…m...m...e” He managed to get out in the middle of his hyperventilating”
“You’re wrong there kid, I own you and you have the marks to prove it. He does too right Brian? That was a very fine piece of carving you did there kid” I looked away again, “Oh not this again turn around and face me BOY!”
“Please…leave him alone” Nick pleaded, sticking up for me as he was getting tortured. That made me turn his way, I had to at that point and I almost threw up when I saw him. Sitting there as blood poured down his stomach and arms.
I closed my eyes for a second trying to transport myself from that place back to the singing gopher. Nick had managed to press the button on it when he saw me fading away. I looked at it and smiled, “That thing is really cute isn’t it?”
“Yeah but guaranteed if we play it long enough Kevin will end up throwing it out a window”
I nodded, once again it was meant to be funny, in fact if he had said that a few weeks ago, we would have schemed and plotted a way to get that gopher into Kevin’s head. Rest it on the toilet while he showered, sat it on his bunk while he napped. Even place it on his cabinet in the fridge. Yup we would have figured out a way to drive the poor guy bonkers with it.
But that was then…now we only half laughed about it before looking for it to comfort us. “Are you scared about going to the plastic surgeon?” I asked him looking away from the gopher and concentrating on my friend.
“Yeah I mean what if they can’t fix me Rok? I’m going to look like a freak forever” He took a deep breath and sighed.
“You’ll never be a freak Nick…okay? Never”
He nodded but I knew he didn’t believe me.
“I hate feeling blue you know? I’m a happy kid but I hate always feeling blue. What about you?”
I moved onto the bed next to him and rested my head on his shoulder, “I don’t like to feel blue either so I go with periwinkle” That made him laugh.
“I always think if Bullwinkle when I hear that, what a silly color” I smiled.
“Nick, you won’t always feel blue…I won’t either. In time, we’ll both be okay. We’ll be able to laugh and go about our lives as if this was just a bad dream”
“But until then…I guess we should expect more periwinkle days huh?” I sat up and looked at him, “Yes I guess so buddy”
The following morning the guys all got there nice and early, way before Nick’s parents came to take him away. Kevin was of course the first one to enter. He woke me gently by tapping my shoulder. I had fallen asleep on the bed right next to Nick instead of the cot that had been at least one of our homes since he had been there.
“Did you sleep well?” He whispered to me as I stood up and stretched. Amazed that the answer to that question would be a yes.
AJ and Howie followed shortly after so by the time Nick woke up we were all there and ready to say our goodbyes… for the most part.
We helped him get dressed and put on his shoes. Trying our hardest to ignore the scars that were present as we did so. They were still wrapped in gauze but they might as well have been see through as far as I was concerned.
His parents showed up about an hour later ready to sign him out. That’s when we said our goodbyes.
Howie went first, “Hey Nicky…take care and I’ll be there to see you whenever you want” He gave Nick a huge hug and kissed his cheek.
“Yeah and if you ever need to escape I’m only a phone call away” AJ said taking Nick’s hand and squeezing it.
Kevin sat down on the bed right next to Nick, “You know I love you lil man right? And I know I’ll be in Kentucky but if you need me I’m there you understand? I don’t care if it’s in the middle of the night or during a hurricane I’ll come for you”
“Thanks Kev” He said leaning on Kevin’s shoulder the same way I leaned on his the night before.
Kevin pat my shoulder as I sat next to my friend. “Are you going to be alright?” He smiled at me, “I hope so” It was an honest answer. I hoped so too.
“Call me okay?”
“I will Brian”
“We’ll get through this together Nick” I pulled him into a hug, “I love you Frack” I whispered to him, “I love you and stay safe”
I stood to leave the room as Jane and Bob walked over to help him finish getting ready. “Brian?”
I turned towards him, “Yeah?”
“Thanks for finding me”
“Later gater” I said as I turned and walked out of the room. Wanting more than anything to turn back and never let him go.
Six weeks seemed like a long time. A long time to go without being together. What if this was it? The end of the band? They all said it wouldn’t happen, even Jane had assured Kevin that she wasn’t going to make Nick quit. But what if that wasn’t true?
Yup I wanted to turn around and run back inside, I didn’t want to walk ahead and face uncertainty.
So much can happen in six weeks.
Because I will be very busy the next few weeks I will be going back to only updating this story on Sundays. Sorry about that! But hey it's still only a week right?
