By My Side
We played basketball for about 45 minutes or so, laughing and actually having a good time in the hot Florida sun. I would pass the ball to Nick and smile as he made a shot, some would go in but some wouldn’t.
We took a small break to drink some water and I sat beside him as the others continued to throw the ball at each other. “This almost feels normal doesn’t it?” He asked me after a few moments of silence, “I mean us out here playing…like we always used to do. It feels normal”
I nodded at him as Howie shockingly made a basket, “You go D!” I yelled and he bowed which caused us both to laugh. “I’m sorry for losing it in there before. I didn’t mean to”
“Nick please don’t apologize…its okay”
“I can tell I freaked everyone out, did they know about the hair? I mean I know you did…I figured you did but AJ did tell everyone didn’t he?” I laughed and looked at him baffled, “What do you think Nick? We are talking about Bone right?”
“I’ve been wearing mittens at night to try to stop” I wanted to walk away from this conversation, but how would I do that exactly? Walk away from the baby brother I loved so much?
“Does it work?”
“A little…I mean I still do it but not as much at night now”
“You do it when you’re awake too?” I don’t know why I asked him that. I knew he did and by asking him that I was giving him permission to tell me why. I know I probably sound like some selfish jerk about this, but it’s not that at all. I didn’t want him to tell me why because the answer would have hurt too much. Seeing Nick hurt made me hurt. It made us all hurt, but it made me hurt most.
I loved the kid with all my heart. When he was little, I was almost fascinated with him, something about him being so much younger and looking up to me that just pulled at my heart. Kevin and I would have these intense conversations about Nick when I first joined the band. I didn’t understand why he was so bothered by the youngest member of our group. Why everything Nick did annoyed him so much but then again, Nick didn’t idolize Kevin, he idolized me.
It’s easy to overlook childish pranks and temper tantrums when you know you can do nothing wrong in somebody’s eyes.
I loved that little kid and even as he bypassed me in size, that never went away. Of course maybe his putting me on a pedestal went away a little bit, now giving us all time up there, but even so I didn’t care.
I glanced over at him as he looked down at his shoes. “I do it when I’m awake more then when I’m sleeping” I placed my hand on his back which promptly brought Kevin over to see if everything was alright.
Kevin everyone’s Knight in shining armor…in his mind anyway.
“You okay lil man?” He looked up and smiled, “Yeah I’m fine just resting”
“What about you? You okay?” I nodded.
“Well if anyone needs me I’ll be over there” He pointed to the small bench under a tree.
“Thanks” I said rolling my eyes at him as he walked away. My cousin was too much sometimes, but I loved him for it.
“I should have stopped him Rok…I should have been able to stop him”
“Come on…let’s go play some more” I said standing up and giving him the ball, “You did what you could…now we move onto the next chapter and survive” I held my hand out for him to grab which he did.
We went and played for another 30 minutes or so, Lou not even coming out and yelling at us about keeping to schedules or money or anything.
Basketball is the greatest stress reliever there is, I have said it a thousand times and it’s the truth because by the time we got back into the rehearsal room I know I felt better.
Nick seemed a bit happier too, thank God.
We sat at the piano in the same positions we had vacated earlier, with Kevin playing some scales for us to warm up. It had been a long time since I had heard Nick sing. When I finally did, I noticed his voice was weak, not as powerful as it usually was. I once again saw all the boys looking in his direction probably noticing the same thing I did. It was just nice hearing that voice again. There was a while there that I didn’t think I’d ever hear him again.
It was weird thinking about how we almost lost him. We really did come so close to that happening, thank God he was stronger than that.
Thank God we both were.
I know I seldom take the time to remember that I was a victim in all of this too. At least I try to focus my energy on Nick, hurt and fragile, going through so much. It was easier to think of Nick as a victim than myself as one.
I was one though, and just like Nick, I had survived. Kevin always tells me to try to remember that when I am down, that I have survived so much, I can add this to my list; that all of these hardships define me as a person and make us stronger. This made us all stronger.
It’s getting easier for me to not get angry at him when he says stuff like that mainly because I have come to accept that in a way, Howie, Kevin and AJ were victims as well. So were our parents and families. All victims to some nameless, faceless man who most likely would always remain that way.
“That sounded great Nick” I glanced over at AJ and smiled at him.
“No it didn’t, I suck…I’m out of practice. Sorry guys”
“We are all a bit out of practice kiddo…it’s like riding a bike we’ll be back to ourselves in no time”
“What are we going to sing?” I asked trying to actually focus on what we were doing, instead of continually drifting away on a cloud of my own thoughts.
“What about the one we were working on Nick?”
“By My Side?” Kevin nodded. I admit the first time I heard the chorus I was in a state of shock that something this beautiful could come from Nick. I mean I know that Kevin wrote most of it but even still, the chorus which was mainly Nick’s doing was hauntingly beautiful.
“I don’t know Kev…”
“I think that’s a perfect one to do Nicky”
He put his head down, “It just reminds me of things”
Right then I understood…
“Come on Kev…!”
“Brian sometimes I am amazed at your immaturity!”
I pouted which cracked Nick up as he sat on the floor with paper and pencils scattered everywhere.
“Let Nicky come out and play”
“But we’re almost done Brian can’t you wait for like a half hour? Go bug AJ”
“This is so cool! I feel like I’m watching Kevin yell at me” Both Kevin and I laughed because that was so true. Usually Kevin saved those lines for Nick seldom using them on me.
“Kev…I think we should change some of these words”
Now Kevin sat back down on the floor next to Nick, I was surprised that he wasn’t ready to jump up and run out of the room but I bet writing with Kevin made him feel important. Whenever anyone treated Nick like anything other than a child he basked in it.
“Come on!! Nick I want to play a video game!”
That got his attention he looked up which actually made Kevin scowl. HA! I was winning this little power struggle. Go me!
“And then I was thinking maybe some basketball? What do you say?”
He pondered his choices and I could actually feel his brain working for him, I knew he was going to want to come with me, “Kev do you mind if we finish this later?”
Kevin rolled his eyes, “NO…I guess we can do it when you are done with your little play date”
“YAY!” I said purposely trying to agitate my cousin…like I had to try too hard to do that.
“I mean it’s not like this song is going to go away in the meantime right Kev?”
“Don’t worry Nick; I won’t fire you from being my co-writer. Go have fun I want to call home anyway. I’ll see you guys later!”
As we walked out the door and towards Nick’s room he pat me on the back, “Thanks for getting me out of there”
I laughed knowing that he really wasn’t all that happy about the interruption and that he actually liked bonding with my older cousin but I played along anyway, “No problem…I know what a bore Kevin can be sometimes”
“Sometimes?” We both laughed at Kevin’s expense as we made our way to Nick’s room to play a video game, unaware that only a few hours later our lives would forever change.
Kevin ended up finishing By My Side himself, crying as he did. Maybe that was his own form of therapy. Finishing off this song, whatever the case it still is one of my favorites. Even though we decided not to do much with it. It was too personal.
“But Nick it’s such a beautiful song, I really want us to try it”
After sitting in silence which felt like forever, Nick finally nodded, “Okay let’s do it”
“Good”
When Kevin started playing the piano I was overcome with emotion, I think we all were. As we sang, each word became so significant. I know when it was first written it was some little love song but now the layers hidden underneath were the ones that rose in volume.
Talk of memories fading, questions left unanswered but most importantly friendships that would never go away.
I was overcome with emotion when Nick started to sing his verse, as I thought about all of the things that had happened to us and how with each other’s support we made it through.
As we raised our voices in harmony I thanked God for giving us the courage and faith to make it out of this. We all needed each other and our bond is what helped us make it...
I sat back in my chair now that my story was out in the open. It had been so long since I had told anyone about this. We had buried it after it happened. It was one of those unspoken memories that would send shivers down your spine at the weirdest of moments.
“Wow Brian…I don’t exactly know what to even say to all of that” I looked over at my wife afraid to make eye contact. I was too embarrassed to have kept this story from her for so long.
“How come you never told me?”
“I don’t like to think about it”
“I don’t blame you but honey…we never keep things from each other remember?”
“I know, I’m sorry…I really am”
“No, I’m the one that’s sorry” Leigh said walking over to me and grabbing me in a hug. “No one should have had to go through something like that”
“I know”
“It explains so much about the way Nick is…everything makes sense now you know? How jittery and unwilling to trust people he is”
“Yeah”
“So you have everything packed for your trip sweetheart? I’m so sorry I can’t come with you”
I kissed my wife softly on the lips, “So am I”
“Especially after what you just shared with me, I’m kind of worried about you now”
“I’m sorry baby; I didn’t mean to make you worry...” Now was the clincher, why I was telling this story in the first place, why after so many years I had brought it back to life. “It’s just that…” I placed my hand in my pocket and showed her what had me so alarmed in the first place. She looked confused at first before I saw the dawn of comprehension on her face. “He still does that?” She asked grabbing the ball of Nick’s hair out of my hand and staring at it.
“No he hasn’t done it in years but for the last few nights he’s been pulling his hair out again”
“Why now?”
I didn’t want to think about the answer to that. I really didn’t, because the guy who did this was never found. He would always be right around the corner watching and waiting as far as I was concerned.
He could be watching us even now.
Just waiting to get us back, waiting for the perfect opportunity...
“Philly?” I nodded at her.
We were going back to Philadelphia, a place we had tried to avoid as much as possible. Going back after five long years…
Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving! As promised last week I have a little gift for those of you reading this story. This it the video of the guys recording By My side for which I used as inspiration while writing this story but especially these last two chapters. All you have to do is copy and paste the link and then save the file and download it. It's always been one of my favorites and because you guys have just been the best at giving me feedback although this past week not so much but I know it was the holidays or you hated it or you have just spoiled me before lol whatever the case enjoy! The links do expire after 7 days and a certain amount of downloads so you are going to want to do it soon ;). I'll be back next Sunday with another chapter!
By My Side
http://s16.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=91947767CFF2FB205EC13EE340F9B30E
