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26



Five Breaths






It’s been a long time since my heart beat out of control…a long long time but as we were in that van, once again the rain pouring down on us so hard you could barely see anything but water puddling down the windows. I found myself having a hard time breathing.



I knew it wasn’t a cardiac issue. I knew it was a panic attack, ‘when you have them you’ll feel like your chest is closing in on you and everything will get small’ That was the way it was described to me, when I was told that most likely I’d have one.



It’s nice how therapists do that to you isn’t it? How they set you up for gloom and doom. Maybe if she never said that, it would have never happened but that night, right after that session I had my very first panic attack. It hit me hard and while I was in the shower of all places.



Having the plastic shower curtain drawn, I remember letting the water crush down on my head, eyes closed as it dripped off my nose and fell into my mouth and down the drain. It was when I had opened my eyes to see blood pooling around the faucet that I felt my chest tighten. Immediately I had stopped the water and checked my body, to make sure that I hadn’t hurt myself or something, but I was fine. No cuts or anything. It was all my imagination.



I remember my hands shaking really badly, trembling with fear. I did not want to open that little plastic shower curtain, it’s like that was my only armor to defend me from what I felt was a new presence in the room. At that moment I felt someone had entered my bathroom and was waiting for me beyond that curtain. Something unspeakable was going to happen. So I never opened that curtain, I sat in the tub for about three hours in a fetal position on the floor. My entire body trembling.



That was my first panic attack, I’ll never forget it much the same way you never forget your first homerun or your first kiss.



I took a few very deep breaths to calm down. My therapist said it would take maybe about five before I could catch my breath and then another five to gain control over my fears.



“You okay Brian?” I wasn’t able to speak just yet so I nodded at Howie, I’m sure very unconvincingly.



“You sure?”



“Fine” I finally got out as I let out my breath. Breath five, the one that would allow me to breathe normally.

“We’re almost there.” The van driver said, taking my panic for impatience I guess.



“Thanks,” AJ answered him and then turned toward me, “You sure you’re okay? You’re kind of scaring the crap out of me but the hospital scares me even worse so please don’t tell me we have to turn around and bring you back there.”



When AJ was nervous he babbled, almost as much as Nick did. I smiled at him, “I’m okay.” I said with more reassurance this time.



“Good.”



I took a few more deep breaths but tried not to be that obvious about it. I didn’t want them to worry about me, even though I knew they would always worry about me.



After I had gotten out of the tub on the night of panic attack number one, I placed a towel around my goose bumped body and had finally ventured back out into my bedroom. I lived alone at the time, just starting to get serious with Leighanne. I had looked at the clock and realized that I was late. We were supposed to go out on a date.



I opened my drawer, the top one right beside my bed and pulled out the bottle of tranquilizers my therapist had given me. I was firmly against medicine of any kind when it came to my mental health but she insisted I take them and so I did, never thinking I would ever use them.



That night I had taken two and closed my eyes to a dreamless sleep, never even bothering to call Leigh and explain to her why I had stood her up.



The next morning, I awoke with a cotton mouth and disoriented. I took the bottle of pills and dumped then down the toilet. I considered that a silent victory for myself.



I wish I had those pills right now.



“We can’t stay here!” I looked over at Howie who had a panic stricken look on his face. I didn’t even have to look past him, past the wind shield wipers that were going double speed to know what he was talking about.



“There must be some mistake. This can’t be where we are staying!”



“Nope, sorry this is where I was told to bring you guys. If you have a problem you need to take it up with your boss.” The driver was tired of us, I’m sure he just wanted to get out of the rain and home to his family.



“Don’t worry Brian; we’ll get this taken care of.” Howie’s voice was sweet and caring as he grabbed for his cell phone and dialed Gary.



I wasn’t surprised that we ended up at the hotel where it all happened. Not in the least, in fact I was almost expecting it.



It seemed like if history was going to repeat itself it might as well not do a half ass job.



“I know we didn’t mention it before but…” Howie was arguing with Gary now, trying to turn his head away so I wouldn’t have to hear.



“Brian we’ll sleep in the van before we go in there.” AJ said now taking out a cigarette.



“Not in this van, I have to pick up someone else in about ten minutes.”



Was everyone in this city so impatient and impolite?



“And please do not smoke in here! I have asthma!” AJ rolled his eyes and placed his cigarette back into the pack. “Sorry.”



“We have to switch…no I can’t really explain, it’s just that…we had a bad experience here before.”



My second panic attack had come the very first time I stayed in a hotel room after the attack. We had some silly photo shoot, nothing too big. It was only going to take a half day and then we would be gone. We didn’t even have to stay overnight or anything. Kevin insisted on staying with me. Nick had backed out and we were totally fine with that. He needed to be at home, I just neglected to think that maybe I needed the same thing.



It sucked keeping secrets but we really didn’t want everyone to know about this. If one of us cancelled it was no big deal, we could blame a virus or a family emergency. If two of us cancelled, well that’s when the questions would start. We didn’t want questions.



So Kevin and I shared this room, it was tiny, only had one bed in it in fact, but that didn’t matter since we weren’t spending the night anyway. I was fine, or so I thought. I had my girlfriend to talk to on the phone, I had already made arrangements to call her in our small amount of free time we had and that would keep me occupied.



It was when Kevin left, he didn’t even leave he went into the bathroom, that I felt attack number two come on. This time it had hit me in the form of flashbacks. I looked in the corner of the room at the chair and I just didn’t see a chair, I saw Nick handcuffed to the chair. Then I looked over at the dresser. I saw it in a shambles, clothes thrown about as I frantically looked for drugs for our attacker.



It was the mirror though, when I looked in the mirror and saw a reflection of a man standing behind me that I suddenly couldn’t breathe anymore. I had quickly turned around and of course no one was there. It was too late; I was barely able to breathe. It took about seven breaths that time before I was able to get myself under control, but by the time Kevin got out of the shower and back into the main room, I was fine.



I gasped and both Howie and AJ looked at me.



Howie placing his hand over the receiver so Gary couldn’t here, “What’s wrong?”



“Nothing...I’m fine.”



“You don’t look fine…” AJ said placing a hand on my back as Howie went back to arguing with our manager.



“Yes I’m here sorry…”



“Did he see Kevin and Nick yet?” I whispered to Howie who gave me a half smile which I took to mean as a yes.



“Good.” I said out loud and let out another breath.



“Gary I don’t really care what you have to do to get us into another hotel, we are not staying in this one!” Howie’s voice was so firm that I almost wanted to high five him. I would have if my hands weren’t trembling. When they started trembling, I couldn’t say, but now that I noticed it, they were shaking as if I was in some kind of withdrawal.



“Fine!” Howie said hanging up the phone and looking over at both AJ and I, “He said he’s going to try to find us somewhere else to stay. He’ll call us back in a few.”



“Well that‘s nice and all but you guys are going to have to go wait in the lobby because I have to go.” The nasty van driver said as if this was the center of Manhattan.



We all barreled out of the van and headed for the hotel lobby. We stopped just short of walking in though, choosing instead to stand under the canopy. The doorman looked at us as if we were old friends he was trying to remember the names of. AJ just smiled and turned away from him.



“Of all the hotels there are in this stupid city we end up here!” He muttered under his breath, finally taking out his cigarette and this time lighting it successfully.



I wouldn’t even look towards the hotel lobby, choosing instead to look out into the rainy weather. Above some of the buildings, I saw the steeple of the church, the one I had left to seek refuge, ask my questions and try to find some reason behind all of this so many years ago.



Church at home in Kentucky is where I had my next panic attack. We had some downtime, so I decided to spend it at home with my family. We went to church just like we did every Sunday when I was with them. Same routine, church followed by brunch at the Perkins down the road.



We sat right in the middle just like always but this time as our pastor was giving his sermon, I felt my chest tighten. I looked up and saw everyone staring at me, all pointing and staring. ‘It’s all your fault’ they were mouthing at me.



Then behind my pastor, who took no notice of everyone looking my way, was the guy with the deformed hand. I knew he wasn’t a priest, hell I knew he didn’t live in Kentucky but there he was nonetheless.



The way I was breathing alarmed my brother who was sitting right beside me, he took hold of my arm which is when I screamed “NO!” at the top of my lungs. The priest who was never there to begin with disappeared but this time everyone’s eyes stayed on me. I realized they weren’t staring before. No before it was in my imagination but now they were. Everyone staring and wondering why I had screamed like that.



I stood up, ran out of the church and barfed on the side of the church in a pile of lilacs. My family followed me out and my mother rubbed my back as I threw up, none of them asked. It was never mentioned again.



I let out another heavy breath, feeling my chest tighten even more. Maybe if I ran out into the rain, I’d feel better. Let the rain wash away my fears. My breathing was more rapid now and it was almost impossible to hide the fact that something was wrong. I closed my eyes and began to count, one…think smooth calming thoughts.



“Oh my God is that the Backstreet boys?”



Two…everything will be okay Brian…just breathe…breathe…



“Crap I think we need to go inside guys, we’ve just been spotted.” I heard AJ but I ignored him, I needed to calm myself down.



Three…slow and steady…slow and steady…



“Brian are you okay? You look pale, Howie come here…”



Four…God why am I not calming down…breathe Brian…



I felt Howie’s hand on my shoulder, and I heard the cries coming towards us, “Brian we need to go inside.” He said ignoring the fact that my eyes were closed.



Five…you can do this….you can do this…



I opened my eyes not feeling any better but my breathing had slowed down. I saw a pack of fans coming towards us, “We have to Bri…” AJ said giving me a sympathetic look.



“Okay…we can go in the lobby, that’s fine.” I agreed, my voice sounding as if I had just run up a flight of steps.



The doorman opened the door for us just in time, as the girls made their way across the street. We walked into the lobby, it was huge. I barely remembered it.



“Come on, let’s go sit over there.” Howie said pointing towards a quartet of chairs surrounding a piano.



“Do you think anyone ever plays that thing?”



“Not sure.” I ignored their unimportant conversation and just looked down at the carpet. I never thought I’d be back in this place, never.



Howie’s cell phone cut through the air making me jump, my heart going full speed again. “Hello....Come on… did you even try to…but you don’t understand…We…there has to be…okay…I said okay…as soon as you can please…bye.”



Howie looked over at us as he slowly placed his phone back into his pocket, “We have to stay don’t we?” I asked already knowing the answer.



“He said he tried a ton of places but on such short notice they were all booked. He’s not going to stop looking though; we’re going to get out of here Brian…okay?”



I couldn’t answer him though; I was beyond words as I clutched the sides of my chair trying to catch my breath.



“What about Nick? Is he on his way?”



Howie looked at me with the same look I dreaded. It said ‘should I tell him or not’



“I’m sure he’ll be here shortly,” He said in less than a reassuring voice. That was it; it finally came on like a held back sneeze.



One…It’s going to be okay Brian…relax and breathe…



Two…You can do this it’s no big deal….



Three…I can’t….I can’t….


Thanks for reading. I appreciate those of you that have given me feedback :) i'll try to be back on Wednesday with another chapter