It seemed as if time stood still as they sat in the car, listening as the rain continued to pour down around them. It felt good to cry; at least that was what went through Nick’s mind after he lost it. At first he couldn’t believe himself as he leaned against Kevin, the tears were falling down so thickly that he could barely breathe through the sobs. He felt so stupid and embarrassed, that he almost got out of the car and walked home but it was his older brother’s reassuring hand on his back that made him stay.
Not once did Kevin say or do anything to make Nick feel dumb as he sat there and cried, he only pulled him close and told him that everything would be okay. Once he let up on crying a bit, the talking started.
Everything poured out of his soul as if suddenly his heart was a strainer, separating happy from sad. Kevin just sat there and listened as Nick went on about his family, how he felt like no one cared or wanted him around. How he felt useless when it came to helping out his siblings and how he felt like he had no control over anything in his life. Then talk moved to how hard it is for him to sleep at night, how when he’s alone he just wants to scream. He never feels safe, always with the nagging thought that at any minute something else was going to go wrong.
Many times during the one sided conversation, Kevin had to wipe his own eyes just to hear how sad and alone his baby brother felt. He knew that Nick was depressed; he knew that Nick had lots of things on his plate but he had no idea to what extent those problems took over his life.
The downpour around them lasted for about thirty minutes, while the one in the car lasted for about twenty. The entire time, Kevin’s hand never leaving Nick’s back, rubbing lovingly in circles as he just sat there silent and sad.
“I feel so stupid.” Nick finally said as the last rumble of thunder rang above their heads, sounding more distant as the storm began to move away.
“Don’t, you have nothing to feel stupid about Nick.” Kevin said, still rubbing his baby brother’s back trying to keep from getting more emotional.
“I didn’t mean to throw all that on you, I mean it’s so much…I didn’t mean to.”
“I’m glad you did.”
“Really?” Nick looked over now, his eyes puffy and red.
“Really, you needed to get that out of your system.”
“I just don’t want you to think I’m some pathetic loser.”
Finally Kevin moved his arm from behind Nick’s back but not before gently tousling what little hair his friend had on his head first. “I don’t think you’re a pathetic loser, in fact Nick, you are one of the strongest people I know.”
“Stop.”
“No, I’m being dead serious. I don’t know how you do it. I could never deal with the stuff that you deal with. I’ve been so lucky…”
“No you haven’t, your dad died Kevin and I know that was so hard for you but you have been so strong. I wish I could be more like you.”
That made Kevin proud, the boys always joked that even though Nick seemed to do nothing but give the oldest member of the group a hard time, always mocking him and saying how different they were, secretly they all knew it was Kevin who Nick idolized.
“You just always know what to say and do for people Kev, I mean you can be a real pain in the ass believe me I know…”
“Gee, thanks.”
“Well it’s the truth. You nag like no one’s business…” Kevin laughed as Nick continued, “But still, for every time you nagged at me, there was also that other side to you, the one that I admire so much.”
“What side is that?”
“The fatherly side, I bet the way you are now is how your dad was with you, right?”
“I’d like to think so, yes.”
“You’ve always been more of a father to me then my own.”
“Oh Nick’s that’s nonsense.”
“No, it’s the truth.” Once again he stared Kevin in the eyes to let him see the realness of his words.
“Thanks Nick, I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know that. Really Kevin, I know I have been a big pain in the butt and not very likable, hell I can’t even get my damn fans to even like me, let alone my parents, but you’ve always stood by me.”
Kevin was choked up now; he nodded trying to find his words, “Well, that’s what big brother’s do.”
“You aren’t my big brother; in fact you don’t owe me anything, all we really are is co workers.”
“Do you really feel that’s true?” Kevin raised his eyebrow at Nick as the rain finally stopped.
“No, I don’t but I never did. I’m afraid that everyone else does though, you know you all have so much…it’ll be so easy for you guys to just move on and forget.”
“This is not just a job for me Nick; you are a part of my life. I would never forget you, even long after this is done and over, we will stick by each other like family because that’s what we are. Blood has nothing to do with it.”
“I wish we were blood…you know when I was little and we first got together, I was so jealous of you and Brian. I wanted to be a part of that. You guys seemed so close and your families were awesome. If for some reason the group never took off or we decided to break up, you guys would still have each other and that used to make me so mad. I wanted to be Brian’s cousin.”
Kevin laughed, “But not mine?”
“I wanted you to be my brother,” he blushed when he said that, looking down at the fingers he was twiddling nervously in his lap.
“You did?”
“Yeah I did, you were just like this…older guy who seemed to care and I really needed that, you know? Someone to care. I mean I knew my dad cared and I thought my mom cared…”
“She does care Nick, they both do…” He stopped Kevin putting his hand up in a gesture of quiet.
“It’s okay, I’ve come to terms with the fact that my family is all but gone, and it’s like that life doesn’t exist anymore. Once I became famous, family went away.”
Once again Kevin had a hard time finding his words, now that he finally got Nick to starts talking; he almost wanted him to stop, only because it was so heart breaking to listen.
“Nick, I’m so sorry. You deserve so much more than you got. Your parents do love you though, it’s just that maybe they don’t know how to show you.”
“They used to; they used to be able to show me just fine.”
“You have us, all four of us love you Nicky. I know maybe you don’t believe that? Maybe you think we are only in this as long as the money is coming in, but there is so much love and concern for you within our little circle, if you only knew.”
“I do know you guys care and I’m so grateful.”
“It’s not just care Nick; we would do anything for you. I would do anything for you.”
Nick sat quiet for a few moments as did Kevin, hands on the steering wheel not sure what he wanted to do next. Finally he spoke again, “You know Kev, I’ve been seeing a therapist and they put me on a few medicines. I’m on an anti depressant and one for anxiety.”
“How long have you been going?”
“Since my Mom got arrested.” Kevin nodded, still feeling horribly guilty for not being there enough during all of the family drama in his young friend’s life.
“Does it help at all?”
“Sometimes, I don’t take them often but maybe I should. I don’t know but I just felt like once I started to take them regularly I would officially be labeled a nut.”
“We have already given you that official label.” Kevin kidded and thankfully Nick smiled and even though the crying had stopped a random tear fell onto his cheek and it was one of those he found himself brushing away as Kevin continued, “One of the reasons we went on this trip was because I was so worried about you. I was hoping you’d feel comfortable enough to open up to me. We worry about you going out and partying until early dawn, we’re worried about the drinking and the sadness we always see in your eyes. Most of all we worry about that emptiness you seem to have nowadays.”
Nick laughed under his breath, “Do you guys have secret meetings about me or something?”
“No, but it’s a concern we all share.”
“So did you draw the short straw? Is that why you got stuck doing this?”
“No, I drew the long straw. We all wanted to do this but I actually won, Brian was bummed.” Finally Nick let out a real laugh, one that Kevin was so thankful to hear.
“I think if Brian won, we wouldn’t have gone fly fishing, he would have never made me kiss a damn fish.”
“Well if I remember correctly, you volunteered to kiss the fish.”
“You are senile old man; I never did such a thing.” Nick said through a wink and a smirk to which Kevin rolled his eyes in fun.
“Brian would have made you kiss a fish too.”
“He would not have.”
“Yes he would have!”
“We would have gone to play basketball.”
“No, he would have made you play golf.”
“Yuck, and does he putt with fish or something?”
Kevin laughed, “No but he does have a coy pond.”
“Ugh, don’t remind me, I am tired of hearing about that damn pond.” Nick said shaking his head. Brian loved to mention, any chance he got that he and Leigh had just acquired a coy pond. It would come up in the most random of conversations. Brian was very proud of his little pond and ALL the boys knew it and often joked about it.
“The point is, we all love you and are here for you whenever you need us, just like always okay?” After saying that he placed his hand behind Nick’s neck and held it firmly there as a brotherly gesture, “I never want you to feel like there is no one in this world that cares and if you are feeling that way and you’re home alone just call me or Howie or any of us.”
“I will.”
“You promise me? I want you to promise me.”
“I promise you.”
“Good and the meds…”
“I am going to start taking them as prescribed I think, it might make a difference.”
“It won’t always feel like this little man, I know it’s hard to believe but it won’t always feel like this.”
“I hope not.”
“I really thought I was never going to get over losing my father and part of me never did, but it gets easier. Everyday it gets easier and easier until one day you wake up with a smile on your face and you feel lighter.”
“That’s the feeling I’m looking for…to feel lighter, but you know what Kev? This helped.”
“It did? What our talk?”
“Everything, coming out here with you today, I know I whined about it at the beginning.”
“Please that’s an understatement.”
“Okay I know, I really really whined.”
“That’s better.”
“But, I think this was probably the best decision I have made in a long time. It helped to be out here near the water and the trees, gave my head time to clear out a bit.”
“I’m glad it helped Nicky.”
“And to top it all off, I caught my very first fish with my big brother there to watch.”
“Meanwhile your big brother caught nada.”
“Don’t worry, I was getting to that.”
“I beat you to the punch kid, I know how you work.”
“Dang!”
“So, what now?”
Nick bit at his bottom lip and moved his eyes up to the top of the car in deep thought, “I guess we go home?”
Kevin nodded and started the car, “Home it is.”
“Unless…”
“Unless what?”
“You think you can find that giant toaster?”
Kevin gave Nick a look, it was mischievous and sly but with one raised eyebrow, he knew they were going on another adventure. As they drove away from the fishing hole that they called home for the day both of them grew lost in their thoughts.
Nick turned his head and looked back at the tree he sat under earlier in the day, seeing the residue of all his problems floating in a cloud of dust. He hoped that they would stay there or that a breeze would blow them in the other direction, whatever the case, he liked the feel of not having them wrapped around his neck as always.
Maybe Kevin was right, maybe things would get easier eventually. It was nice knowing that his road wasn’t as lonely as he thought. His friends were always going to be there to guide him along every step of the way. With that thought he turned his attention to Kevin as he placed his pair of sunglasses on his face, now that the sun had once again peaked through the clouds.
“Can I drive this time?” Nick begged.
“What?”
“Please?” More begging.
“Uh…no.”
“Come on!” now pleading.
“Nick, no one drives my car but me.”
“Not even Kris?”
“Well yes Kris can, but I have sex with her.”
“You know what all those slash people would love for me to say now, right?”
“You say it and you can walk to the toaster!”
In between the joking, Kevin also looked back and could swear he saw a silhouette of his father standing there by the water, throwing a rod out to sea, smiling at him and mouthing the words, “I’m proud of you son! You did good.”
“Earth to Kevin!”
“Are you still talking?” Kevin asked staring until the image disappeared from view.
“Can I turn on the radio?”
“What? Our conversation isn’t good enough for you?”
“Do you want me to answer that honestly?”
“Fine, but I get to pick the station!”
“So not fair, if you get to drive I get to pick the station.”
“Stop making up rules Nick, when in MY car we follow MY rules.”
“Well Kevin, your rules suck ass!”
The two bounded down the road heading towards the giant toaster, or at least they hoped. But they knew if they got lost this time they’d have a fish to eat.
“I still can’t believe you have toothpaste in your glove compartment.”
“Shut up Nick.”
“Can I at least wear your hat?”
“I’m ignoring you.”
“Kevin? Yoohoo Kevin? Kevy Kev?”
“WHAT?”
“Ha! You didn’t ignore me and I won!”
“Shut up Nick.”
“Okay, left or right?” Kevin asked once they came to the top of the hill leading back out onto rural route 9.
“I thought you told me to shut up.”
“Just pick.”
“Go left.”
“Sounds like a plan Sam.”
“Thanks Kevin my man.”
“Not a problem, but Nick?”
“Yes?” Nick asked thinking a compliment or something heartfelt was about to be shared.
“NOW you can shut up!” Kevin said as he turned left onto the highway as both boys continued to argue like brothers do.
Author’s note: Wow I have ended two stories within one week of each other. So sad! This one has really been one of my all time favorites. Thanks to all of you who gave me feedback for this! I hope you enjoyed it! *sigh* lol ;O)
