The First Night…
Kevin was unsure of how long they sat in AJ’s room, three people not saying one word but only listening to the faint sounds of a heart monitor keep its steady beat. A television on in the background, tuned to a generic infomercial. No one said a word, because there was nothing left to say. About an hour after getting to the hospital, Howie hugged them all and took his leave.
“Maybe if I go back to your place I can find something that…”
“Go home and rest Howie.”
“But maybe we missed something.”
“D, I am going to need you refreshed tomorrow, right now there’s nothing we can do. Go home and get some sleep.”
“What about you?”
“I’m staying here with them for now; I’m hoping AJ will wake up.”
Howie nodded, but it was the unspoken words that stuck with Kevin long after his best friend left. Of course he didn’t want to say it but they both knew, ‘we’re running out of time…’ that’s what was left unsaid.
As he sat in silence in his brother’s hospital room, he tried to calculate in his head how much time went by between a child reported missing and then turning up dead. Was it one day? A few days? Kevin recalled with horror that it wasn’t more than a week between the first report of the missing child and then that long trip to the morgue, at least where this baby killer was concerned.
A week?
Is it possible that his brother now came with an expiration date? One week, if even, who could he actually talk to between then and now that would help him out? Lisa was dead; she was probably the most important link to this story. The boyfriend already confessed to not knowing anything, and then of course there was Jack Roberts. What did he have to do with all of this? Nothing more than having the right number. That son of a bitch tracked down the one house in the city that had a phone number matching the word String bean! But why? Why go through all of that trouble?
How did he know the word too? Was it possible that this guy worked at Nicky’s school? How long had this guy been watching his youngest brother? Plotting all of this out? That thought sent a chill down his spine, the fact that his baby brother was being watched by a lunatic and what about now? Was that same lunatic standing over Nick as he tried to sleep? Kevin closed his eyes and pictured the large menacing shadow of the man, the same one that managed to over power him in the rain, now standing over Nick who was probably lying in some generic, uncomfortable bed in a fetal position scared to death.
“The first night is always the worst.” They were in an all day workshop dealing with missing and exploited children when he heard those words come from a father whose child was taken as he and his wife slept in the next room.
“The first night, when you lay in your bed after your child has been kidnapped, is the longest night of your life. I can’t even begin to explain to you how that feels and my only hope is that you never go through it yourselves because it was horrible. It’s like you feel every second go by, the click on the watch giving you the same level of terror as someone playing Russian roulette with you. Every time the second hand clicks you think, is that it? Is that the moment my child becomes nothing more than a memory?”
Kevin watched as his classmates listened half heartedly, staring at their watches, even making jokes about how every second this guy talked it felt like they were losing minutes of their lives. He never laughed though; he didn’t find it the least bit funny. Probably because he had dealt with loss, it felt all too familiar to him.
“My wife and I didn’t sleep that first night, we were afraid to close our eyes because we knew that maybe while we allowed ourselves the luxury of sleep, Charlie might have been denied the very same luxury. As a punishment to ourselves we stayed up all night. We didn’t say anything to each other though, just kind of hung onto each other.”
Kevin shifted in his seat, the television had long since been shut off, he hardly remembered who was the one that decided it was best to be in complete silence. At least with the TV on, things felt semi normal, as if they were sitting on their couch all huddled together with one of his mom’s giant quilts covering them, AJ on one end in charge of the remote much to the dismay of Brian who would hold the bucket of popcorn on his lap as he would bat at AJ’s head. Mom in the middle reading a book and trying her best to block them all out, Nick sound asleep with his head on her lap and his legs on his oldest brother. Kevin always managed to snag the other end of the couch; it was as if they had a seating chart.
He looked at his watch, it was only ten o’clock. So much of the night was left to go. He glanced over at this mother who looked like a silhouette of the Virgin Mary from his position. Her troubled eyes had not yet closed but she was sleeping, trapped in a cluster of memories and worry. How he wanted to say something to her, to reach out to her, but for some reason he just couldn’t. She had AJ’s hand enveloped in her own and was gently rocking back and forth as if she was in her favorite rocking chair at home.
AJ lay still and quiet, except for the beeping of the heart monitor above his head, perhaps he was the only Richardson allowed a peaceful, quiet sleep this night. Good because when he woke up all the guilt that would pour from his body was unthinkable to Kevin.
Brian was drooped down in his chair, his legs outstretched, his head shaking back and forth as if he was having a silent argument with himself.
It was almost midnight when Brian finally broke the silence, “I need a Coke or something I’ll be back…do you guys want anything?”
“No I’m good.” Kevin said as they both looked at their mother who seemed so many miles away.
“Mom?”
“Nothing for me baby…thanks.” She finally said only averting her gaze from AJ long enough to give Brian a loving smile.
Kevin thought briefly about following Brian out into the hallway if nothing else to escape the gloom the hospital room brought into his ever breaking heart, but he also recognized the look on Brian’s face. It read as a sign you would see on a road, “I need to be alone” So Kevin left him alone and instead focused on his mom.
If it was possible to do so, Kevin would guess that she had aged about thirty years in just this one day. His mom always looked younger than she was, and even today as he was approaching thirty, he could say with glaring pride that his mom didn’t look old enough to be his mom.
Today, she looked old enough, there were wrinkles lining her face, had she had them before? Kevin hadn’t noticed, Weird that they became more prominent in the darkness than the light. She had huge bags under her eyes which weren’t from lack of sleep but from excessive crying. He wondered how long she had wept after the boys took off to find the boyfriend.
“When she finally spoke, after an eternity, she said something that still sends shivers down my spine after all these years, even now as I repeat it to you; I’ll feel the hairs on my arms go up. She said to me, “Charlie is dead, I just know these things. A mother knows. That only added to the stress that night brought. The certainty with which my wife spoke made each hour that passed more tortuous than the last.”
It was there in the dark, that Kevin heard his mother say that very same thing. It was about midnight when it came, Brian had actually dosed off to a very brief sleep, laying with his head on AJ’s bed looking like a kid who had fallen asleep at his desk at school. Now with the gentle snores coming from the left side of the bed, Kevin moved his chair closer to his mother, who was still gently rocking back and forth in her chair, her hand never leaving AJ’s.
“Mom,” Kevin whispered, which caused Jackie to turn her head slightly to see her oldest son.
“Yes baby?”
“How are you holding up?”
What she said, she said without reservation as if it was absolute fact, “He’s dead, my beautiful baby boy is dead…I can feel it.”
Those words hit him hard and quick, he felt his whole spirit dampen, “Mom don’t say that, we’ll find him. He’s alive…he has to be alive…right?”
It seemed absurd for the question to be asked, by someone as skilled as Kevin to begin with, but this was not the FBI agent, this was the scared child, hoping upon hope, that his mom could give him some sort of comfort. He needed for her to tell him everything would be fine.
She took her hand away from AJ for the first time in hours, and placed it on her oldest sons face, caressing his cheek lightly as small tears began to fall from her eyes, “I need my baby back Kevin.” She choked back a sob and Kevin instantly felt guilt for bringing up those feeling to begin with. It was incredibly selfish but still it had to be done.
He gently moved her hand away from his check and placed it in his own, “Mom, we’ll find him…I will find him. Did you have anyone over to house recently? Anyone who you think Nick would trust with his secret password?”
“String bean?”
Kevin nodded a yes; out of the corner of his eye he saw Brian shift positions. He wasn’t sleeping but listening quietly, probably brushing freshly spilled tears from his own eyes.
“No baby, I haven’t had company over in a long time, just you and Howie and occasionally Rob.”
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely…why are you asking me that?”
“Because the person who took Nicky knew the word.”
“Are you saying the person who did this knows us Kevin? The person who stole my baby and shot my child actually knows us?” She raised her voice in disbelief which caused AJ to stir in his sleep.
“I don’t know mom…it’s a possibility…” He stopped himself not sure if he even wanted to ask her in the state she was in, but he had to know, “Mom…how sick was Nicky this morning? Is he on medicine of any kind?”
The question had an odd effect on Jackie Richardson, instead of making her anxious; it seemed to calm her down somehow. Maybe it was just talking about the baby that did it. Kevin noticed whenever Nick came into conversation, his mother no matter how tired or stressed or sad, would always light up. The child had that effect on everyone, mainly because he was the baby, born at a crucial time in his mom’s life.
Jackie said more than once that if it weren’t for her youngest son, she would never had made it through her husband’s death, but knowing she had this small little thing to look after, the last gift her husband had given her, that gave her all the strength she needed to get over all the hills that stood in her way.
Nick was Jackie’s pride and joy, no matter how bad things were, as long as she had that baby to hold in her arms and rock to sleep at night, she knew everything would be all right.
So maybe, just the small conversation she was having about her child now, in a dark hospital room with her son, worked like a tranquilizer. “He had a high fever this morning…it was about 102. He wasn’t on antibiotics or anything but he was taking baby aspirin. I was going to bring him to the doctor when I got home from work, if his fever wasn’t any lower.”
“Was he still vomiting?”
“No, he had stopped that, just the fever and a headache. Do you know what he told me this morning?”
“What?” Kevin lost his voice when he said the word.
She once again placed her hand on Kevin’s face, “He said he loved you…just out of the blue. He always says things like that your little brother, when I make him go take a bath he would stop and say, Mommy I love you or he might scream down to the boys in the living room, Brian…AJ I love you.” She let a tear slide down her cheek while she smiled at the memory, “This morning, it was you.”
Kevin smiled and took in a deep breath, “I’ll get him back mom.”
She moved a tuft of hair away from Kevin’s eyes and then took her hand and placed it back inside AJ’s, “I know.”
“By early morning, there’s just something that happens to you…you go through all these emotions, anger, love, hate, resentment. I at one point maybe around 3 am or so, I actually found myself hating Charlie for putting us through the hell we were going through. I think I even said the words out loud. I hate you for this! I didn’t mean it…of course I didn’t but sometimes you have this flood of feelings and you have no idea what to do with them.”
4 in the morning found Kevin in the hallway of the hospital nervously pacing back and forth. He felt like if he just sat there for another minute more he might scream or start throwing things. He must have tried to leave the hospital about ten times between he and his mother’s talk and now. Every time getting as far as the elevator before convincing himself there was nothing to be done.
He felt so helpless, why hadn’t the guy called? He figured that by now he would have gotten a phone call, taunting him, something, anything to give him hope that his baby brother was still alive. The fact that no call came, hardened his heart and made him want to punch a wall, “He’s doing this on purpose…he knows I am helpless to do anything right now, he’s using that to torture me.”
“Excuse me sir?” A nurse at the desk said, looking at Kevin as if he just asked her a question.
“Sorry, I was talking to myself.”
She smiled at him, “Oh, no problem. I do that all the time. Who are you here for, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Alex Richardson, he’s my brother.”
“Oh…gunshot wound right?”
Kevin nodded, “He’s going to be okay though.” He felt the need to tell her, she looked as if she needed consoling.
“I’m glad; your mom seems like a great lady.”
“She is.”
She smiled once more at the detective, “I’m sorry for bothering you, if you need anything else my name’s Patty, I’m on call until 8.”
Suddenly a look of hope spread across Kevin’s face and his eyes lit up. He actually smiled his first genuine smile since this whole thing had happened. “Thanks Patty you may have just helped more than you know.” He quickened his pace back into AJ’s room.
Brian had now moved to the chair in which Kevin had vacated, probably his own way of changing his scenery. His mother still clasping AJ’s hand in her own, but the rocking had ceased only to be replaced by a blank stare as she watched her son’s chest go up and down as he slept.
“Mom?” Kevin’s voice was louder than expected and it met both of his family members with a start as they quickly shifted their gazes at him.
“What’s wrong Kevin? Did something happen?”
“No…but, do you think Nicky would have told Patty his secret word?” Brian sat up straighter with a look of understanding on his face, as Jackie nodded.
“I’m sure he would have. He shares everything with that little girl. You know he calls her his girlfriend.”
“You think Patty might have told someone?” Brian asked his brother now with a gleam of hope in his eyes.
“I’m thinking yes, for all we know she could have told the guy who has Nick. I’m going to go talk to her.”
“Honey, she’s only a baby…and it’s not even light out yet…wait until morning okay?”
The impatient, detective side of Kevin wanted to come out, the longer he waited the less time he would have, but he also knew that his mom was right. Patty was a child, if he were to wake her up now, number one it would scare her to death, and number two a sleepy child is useless. He would wait until morning, and then he’d make his way over to Patty’s house.
“When the first rays of sunshine peeked through our bedroom window my wife and I looked at each other, both of us so exhausted…we made it through the first night, she said to me. You know people ask me whenever I talk at these things if it got easier, was the second night, third night and so on as hard as the first and if so, how did we deal with it. Truth is it does get easier, by the one year anniversary of my son’s disappearance we were both sleeping normal patterns again. Nothing ever makes the pain go away though, nothing. Every time I wake up just as the sun is rising, I think back to that first night and remember the terror I felt. I only hope my son didn’t feel the same way.”
At 6 am on the dot, Kevin called Howie and woke him up, told him his plan to go visit Patty and her family and Howie agreed to meet him there. He walked over to his mother and kissed her cheek, then did the same to AJ as he shifted slightly in his sleep, “As soon as he wakes up I want you to call me okay mom?”
“Of course sweetheart, be safe and keep us informed as to what’s going on.”
“I love you mom.”
“I love you too.”
Brian stood up and followed Kevin out of the room, “Do you want me to go with you? Patty likes me she might be more willing to talk to me than you.”
Kevin thought about it for a second, “Not this time buddy, I think mom needs you with her...besides J is going to be waking up soon and I want him to feel protected.”
Brian felt a sense of pride behind those words, “Okay, but if she won’t talk let me know and then maybe I can try.” Kevin pulled Brian into a hug and kissed his cheek as he let go.
“Brian, I love you take care of Mom and AJ okay?”
“Love you too bro.”
He was never going to take a chance to say I love you for granted again.
As he walked into the elevator the last few words of that guest speaker from what felt like forever ago rang through his mind, by the time he was done talking he had managed to capture even the most reluctant of his audience. Even when it went into their lunch break it didn’t seem to bother the hecklers. Someone had asked the all important question, what happened to his son? Did they ever find him or is he still missing. He took a graduated pause before answering this question. The same one he was asked countless times.
“Just last year, the remains of Charlie were found in a play ground not more than two miles from my own house. It was two days short of his fifteenth birthday when he was found. Five full years after he had been reported missing. Maybe you were expecting me to bring him out to you to a round of rolling applause, but that’s not how our story ended. That’s why I’m here today. Most stories won’t end happy, many of the parents you are dealing with will have the same exact outcome as my wife and I. But maybe there will be one…one happy ending. Make all the sad endings live for that one happy one.”
“Don’t worry Nicky; this will be a happy ending…” Kevin said as he stepped out into the early morning sunshine. The first night now nothing more than a memory that Kevin would think about often.
Thanks for reading! :) I'll be back next Wednesday with a new chapter ;)
