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**Chapter Eighteen**

With a sad sight, Anita took one last look around what had been her hospital room, checking to make sure she’d gotten everything before walking out of the small room for the last time to check out completely. After almost eight months in the hospital, Anita had finally reached her remission point. Her counts were where they were supposed to be and the chemotherapy was something of her past now. She was free to leave, however she didn’t feel too happy about it. She felt as if something were missing.

It had been three months since Kevin had been released, and he hadn’t done so much as to send her a single, simple post card. She wondered if he was okay, but every time she had her doubts, the group as a whole would be on some TV show, live, or she’d hear of another obstacle they’d crossed in getting ready for their upcoming tour, mainly information on their albums steps in becoming complete. This always let her know that he was okay, still healthy and doing well, and as much as Anita wanted to think and convince herself that he was just so caught up in everything that contacting her had crossed his mind, she was afraid to admit the fact that he had probably forgotten all about her existence and she would never hear from him again. That seemed to be the most likely and realistic explanation. She’d just been there to help pass his time until he was freed.

“You ready, honey?”

Anita looked up to see a nurse standing before her. Anita realized that she had paused in the middle of the doorway, zoning out deep into her own thoughts. Her cheeks turned a slight shade of pink out of embarrassment for blanking out temporarily. She wondered if she should have her head examined too while she was still there, then realized that there was nothing wrong with her head. Just her aching heart.

“More than ever.” Anita replied, and followed the nurse to the Nurses Station desk to sign the paperwork to officially make her a free woman once again. Freedom seemed like an alien word to her now.

Anita had to admit that she felt better than she had in a long time. She felt stronger, healthier. She was a little bit tired after all she’d been put through in the many months she’d undergone chemotherapy treatments, and was told she would be for a little while, but for the most part, she felt absolutely great...except for the place in her heart and life where Kevin was supposed to be. That part of her was incomplete and she wasn’t sure if it would ever be repaired.

Once the paperwork and signatures were written and signed out in permanent ink, Anita made her way down to the hospital lobby. She stopped, standing for ten minutes almost thinking that Kevin would be there to pick her up. When she didn’t see him, she slowly came to the realization again that he wasn’t coming. He never intended to nor had he ever intended to when he left. That would explain the strange look in his eyes when he’d said goodbye and his odd behavior. Anita hadn’t read anything in to it before, but the signs had been there all along. She’d been just plain stupid not to see them before.

Anita had a difficult time locating her car once she’d left the building. It had been so long since she’d left it in the parking lot designated for those who’d be there for an extended time. After wondering around for awhile, Anita finally found it, surprised to see that it was in the same condition as when she’d left it. It hadn’t been touched other than the smallest door dent from where another car had nicked it. That too, would be a small scar to remind her of her stay and experience there.

As Anita slid in to the car, the heat was immense from being bottled up inside of it for so long. She immediately rolled down the windows, letting the air circulate through the interior as she drove out of the parking lot. She turned the radio on to her pre-set favorite station, saddened when she recognized the song as Quit Playing Games With My Heart right away.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Anita muttered bitterly, “What a joke.” but she didn’t change the station, because it was exactly how she felt about Kevin. He was playing games with her heart, her mind. The only difference was, the games were over and she was left suffering through the aftermath.

Anita arrived home a little sooner than she would have liked to. Her condo was just as she’d left it, the lawn obviously freshly mowed. It was times like these that she appreciated her late, wealthy grandparents, who’d bought her the place for high school graduation. If it hadn’t been for that, she’d have been evicted months ago due to failure and inability to make rent and bill payments. At least this way, she had a place to come back to.

“Home sweet home.” Anita sighed, sitting in the driveway for a long moment just staring up at the place, feeling almost as if she were a visitor to the seemingly foreign place. She almost felt as if she’d have to knock to be let inside until realizing she had a set of keys, right there, dangling from her car key ring which she found to be in the
ignition still.

Pulling them out, Anita slowly retreated from her car, walking up to the door and opened it. She wished she had somebody to come back to...a roommate or somebody for company. She was alone though, making the homecoming all the more sad. Anita knew she should be happy to be out of the stuffy, old hospital, cured in what she hoped to be for good of the cancer, but she couldn’t help it but to just feel so utterly separate from the rest of the world and it made her long for Kevin even more.

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“Damn, so much to do.” Anita grumbled, looking over the list she’d made of stuff that she needed to go back to classes. The list kept growing with stuff she always forgot about and she was suddenly realizing why she’d always started this more in advance.

A month had passed since her release. Three weeks before, Anita realized that she needed something to do, deciding it wouldn’t hurt to enrol in a couple of classes to go towards her degree of Fashion Designing. There really was no reason not to, and beings spring quarter was just about to begin at the beginning of April, she decided there was nothing holding her back. Her absence had cost her three quarters of her summer as well as Autumn and Winter quarters. She knew she needed to jump back in to the game and try to take her mind off of Kevin. So far though, the second part wasn’t working.

“I don’t even know where to begin.” she muttered, going over the list again for what seemed to be the hundredth time.

There was so much to buy, so much to pay for and just plain too much to do. Every other quarter, her, Madison, Juanita and Kimberly would go out and buy supplies together, buy books together, pay fees together, and flirt with every guy that had an appearance score of an eight or better together. The last part seemed stupid and superficial now, but she missed the rest. Doing it all alone was just boring and made her feel like a loner.

Feeling completely unmotivated, Anita leaned back in the booth she was sitting in, watching as all of the groups of friends and couples scurried around the Food Court. The mall was definitely for groups and not for single people to roam around. She missed being a part of something. Ever since her return, and even long before that, remembering her many lonesome nights in the hospital before the Boys had shown up, she’d been an outsider looking in. It wasn’t fair to her, but it was something she was quickly becoming accustomed to, for she really didn’t have a choice. That still didn’t make it easier though.

Taking a sip of her orange slushy drink, Anita squeezed her eyes shut, pressing her fingers firmly against her temples as brain freeze gave her an intense headache for nearly a minute, making it impossible for her to think. Then again, at this point, Anita was sick of thinking. She was sick to death of being reminded of what a loser she’d become socially. Sitting around, moping and feeling sorry for herself just wasn’t an option though. It was something she refused to partake in. Going out and living life was something she enjoyed too much and she’d had to miss out on for way too long. The only thing she wished was that she had somebody to carry on her life with.

“Let’s see,” Anita muttered to herself, chewing on the end of her pen as she concentrated on the list. She knew she had to prioritize all of her obligations to get everything done by the time classes started, “I’ll buy books tomorrow, pay fees while I’m at it...shop for clothes the week before classes...”

Anita closed her eyes and groaned, burying her head in her arms on the tabletop. She was so overwhelmed and it was making her nauseous. Her head was swarming with everything, and it all kept piling on. Normally, she’d have people to get through all of this with and they’d laugh and make the best of the loads of stuff they had to do. Upon thinking of this, Anita groaned loudly, causing a few people to stare.

“You’ve got to quit doing this to yourself.” she whispered, “You’ve got to quit torturing yourself about being alone...” Anita knew she probably sounded crazy sitting alone in a booth talking to herself, but the mall was almost empty, and she didn’t know anybody, therefore, she didn’t care. She was frustrated and letting it out. She knew she did need to stop thinking about how she had nobody though. It wasn’t doing her any good.

This still didn’t make her feel better though. Even though her life was back, she still felt like the vast majority of it was missing. Because she had faced the lovely world of leukemia, her life was robbed for months and now, certain parts of it wouldn’t come back. Parts of it couldn’t. As much as this hurt, Anita knew she’d have to get used to the thought. She hoped that once college started, she’d make some new friends and gain back some of what she’d lost. As long as she kept a positive attitude and kept her personal, not so glamourous life, scary past of a life behind her and secret from new people until she felt it was necessary to tell them, she felt that the task would be quite easy.

Tucking the papers that she’d written out in to her purse, Anita stood, deciding to walk around and get an idea for the kind of things she’d buy for back-to-school. If she found something extra special, she might just treat herself to an outfit to wear out and about in the meantime. It couldn’t hurt, after all, and she hadn’t spent a cent in almost a year due to being cooped up in a stuffy old building. She felt she owed it to herself to something nice.

With one last sigh, Anita started out in to the actual mall. Shopping was any girls best friend. The rest of the day was for her, no responsibilities, no commitments, no obligations. It was all about her. Before she knew it, she’d be thrusting herself back in to the outside world, one that she’d been forced to drop out of, and nothing was going to stop her this time once she got started again. That she was determined and sure of.