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**Chapter Twenty-Three**

Kevin tried to keep his emotions in as he listened to the minister give his speech about the miracle of life and how death comes and is un-preventable, that when your time comes, nothing can stop it no matter what. Kevin thought about this, for the exclamation didn’t make sense. It sounded as if the man were saying that if it wasn’t a car accident Anita had been in at that moment, then she would have drown, or been electrocuted to death, or choked to death, or something else. Kevin didn’t believe it. If it hadn’t been for her leaving, she would still be alive and well. Kevin knew that for a fact. The only reason she’d been killed was because he’d run her out by a simple, stupid mistake that he had made. He should have stopped her from driving. As distraught as she’d been, she had been in no condition to be out on the road. He should have done more to stop her from leaving, done more than just chase her. He should have sat her down, making her stay until she had calmed down some. Kevin couldn’t stop himself from thinking about the what-if’s, beating himself up over it. He had so many regrets, none of which could be changed now. It was too late for anything.

Once the minister was finished with speaking, everyone was aloud to line up to one by one say their final goodbye’s to Anita. Kevin swallowed, taking a place last in the line, trying to keep up a tough act as he waited. He recognized a few people in front of him as being Anita’s friends, Madison, Kimberly and Juanita. He also recognized Taylor, who was solemn. Kevin could tell that he still cared a lot about the girl who was now gone. There were quite a few people Kevin didn’t recognize, however Kevin assumed that they were family and other friends.


When it was eventually Kevin’s turn, he stepped up, looking down into the open casket. It was only then that a wave of emotions hit Kevin. A sea of tears started to fall down his cheeks as he choked on a sob. Kevin took her hand in his, the feeling soft. She looked the same as she always had. Her dark hair was now long, a wig, Kevin assumed, spilling over her shoulders just as it had in his first weeks with her, makeup put on her face to make her look as beautiful as she always had, covering up her once tear-streaked face. She was wearing a white dress with small pink flowers on it, the dress only hitting her knees, the spaghetti straps hugging her slender shoulders. She looked to be at peace, happy. He had put her out of her emotional suffering. Squeezing her hand, Kevin began to speak, his voice coming out cracked and shaky.

“I’m so sorry, Anita,” he began, “It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It’s all my fault though that it is. I m..mi...miss you though, more than you’ll ever know. I just wish I could somehow make it up to you, but I can’t.” he bent down and kissed her tenderly on he forehead, wishing that she could reach up and kiss him back, waiting a second as if she were going to.

He sighed, the hardest part of it knowing that she had hated him senseless right before her death. He had still loved her, but foolishly overlooked it for Kelly. What hurt the most though was that she had died, thinking that she wasn’t good enough, when in reality, he knew that he wasn’t nearly good enough for her. She’d been too good, staying faithful and true, her feelings never changing, her attitude never for playing games. He had been the same, before being caught up in the middle of a love triangle in which had gotten him in trouble.

Kevin stared down at Anita, knowing that it was time to go and it would be the last time he’d ever see her. He didn’t want to though, unable to tear himself away. He wanted to have her in his life forever. He wanted to be with her. He didn’t want this to be the last moments he ever saw her. He knew that his time with her was short though. It was now time for Kevin to say goodbye for good. Forever was a long time though. Kevin couldn’t picture living without her for that long, but knew it had to be done as he forced himself to tear away from her, walking away without looking back.

“You alright?”

Kevin stopped and turned, realizing that his friends had been waiting for him and he’d walked right past without realizing. Brian was the one who’d spoken, his voice soft and concerned, only looking out for his grieving cousin. Kevin found himself wiping some tears from his eyes in attempt to dry their dampness.

“Peachy.” Kevin replied, “Fucking peachy.”

“It isn’t your fault.” Howie stated truthfully, “It was an accident.”

“And we’re all upset.” Nick informed him, “We all really liked Anita. She was a great girl.” Nick paused, “I’m really sorry, man.”

Kevin couldn’t find the words to speak. All he could think about was that Anita was no longer with them. If he had chosen her over Kelly, things would be so different. He wouldn’t be so deserted on the inside. He would have the girl he’d wanted all along. It was only now that he realized that she had been it. All along though, his heart had told him it was Anita, while his mind told him that he should be with Kelly. In the end, he’d chosen what his mind had told him. His heart had been outweighed and then broken.

“Why don’t ya say we get out of here?” Howie stated, seeing the longing in Kevin’s eyes, the suffering, the regret.


They slowly walked out, leading the way with Kevin following. In a sense, he didn’t want to leave. He wanted to be there with Anita for always. He didn’t want to believe that she was gone, feeling that if he was with her, she really wouldn’t be. He knew he had to face reality though, and with that reality came the harsh truth. The only thing that Kevin knew for sure was that he couldn’t live in this lie any longer. He had to set things straight once and for all while he still had the nerve and reason to do so in his messed up, distraught mind set.

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A week had passed since Anita’s funeral, and Kevin still regretted not changing things sooner. He felt as if he were at fault. The Boys continued touring , however Kevin just couldn’t seem to concentrate on his part of each show. He forced himself to go through the motions he knew so well, however he still found himself stumbling over his lines, or pausing in the middle of dances, even tripping over himself.

That nights show had gone particularly bad. When his part of The Unloved came, he’d completely froze. Brian and Nick had both started to fill in at the same time. By the time Kevin realized what was happening, it had been too late to make things correct. All he knew was that he had to keep his mind on everything, concentrate, not let his mind wander. He had to forget about Anita’s death, as hard as that might be, during the hour and a half of show time. He knew that somehow though, that wouldn’t be possible.

Another thing had been on his mind too during that week. He’d had business to take care of, however, he hadn’t found the nerve to fulfill it the night of her funeral, as well as every day since then. His feelings told him though that he couldn’t go on the way he was any longer. There for, that night, he was going to put an end to things that had been on his mind for ten days now. It was the right thing to do.

Kevin sighed, looking down at his watch. He numbers blurred in to one making it so he was unable to see. His eyes burned and felt puffy from all the tears that had fallen. Kevin didn’t know how men got the reputation of being completely unemotional without any compassion, because he himself was proving this to be wrong. He stared in to space as he picked up his mug of French Vanilla coffee, taking a sip of the hot liquid. It tasted like cardboard to him, but it was helping to calm his nerves. He needed his nerves calmed as he sat there alone in the Starbucks, waiting for Kelly to arrive.

Turning his head, he glanced out of the window. The sky was darkened from both the time of night as well as a storm that was rolling in. Black clouds filtered the sky waiting for the perfect moment to open up, letting a downpour of rain wash down upon the earth. The weather fit his mood and what was about to happen. He was sure that the rain would fit Kelly’s mood as well as soon as she knew what this was about. The difference was he was upset over losing Anita whereas she’d be upset over losing him. Kevin could honestly say though that his relationship with Kelly wasn’t going anywhere. He saw now that he’d just been afraid of letting go of something that had seemed permanent and sure in his life. Something he could count on to always be there weather he truly wanted it there, or in his case, not. Kelly had been an assurance that he wouldn’t be alone. She was there for the long haul. Kevin knew though that it wasn’t fair on her to stick around just for that. It wasn’t fair to himself. Both deserved to find somebody that loved them back as much as they loved he or she.

“Hey, sorry I’m late.”

Kevin looked up to see Kelly coming towards him. She bent down to kiss him, and he held back. Returning the relationship gesture would only lead her on, and he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t make this any harder on her than it was already naturally going to be. She rounded the table, sitting down in a chair right next to Kevin.

“No problem,” he replied, forcing a tired smile, “I’ve just been thinking.”


“Oh...” Kelly’s voice trailed off. Kevin could tell by the look in her eyes that she already sensed something wasn’t quite right. He wondered if she suspected what this evening was all about. In a way, Kevin hoped that she did. She could prepare herself for the blow. If she was somewhat prepared, then maybe it wouldn’t be quite so hard on her.

“So, um, how are things?” Kevin asked lamely.

“Good...but considering I’ve been on tour with you...you already know this.” Kelly replied, giving Kevin a strange look. Kevin just shrugged, tearing away at the edges of his cup. Kelly sighed, “Kev, what’s going on?”

Kevin swallowed. His attempted at small talk leading up to the breakup was backfiring. Kelly definitely knew something was going on now. He closed his eyes. He just couldn’t win. By staying with Kelly, he was only hurting himself, but by ending things, he was hurting her.

“Yes, um...there’s something I kind of need to tell you,” Kevin stated. Kelly just stared at him expectantly, “When I was in New Mexico...I kind of had a girlfriend there.” He stopped and looked at Kelly. She looked as if she’d been slapped. Kevin took her hands in his, rubbing them softly. She didn’t move, but didn’t speak either, “She’s the girl who you met after the show two weeks ago.”

“Okay, so she came to see you...you dated.” Kelly managed to get out, “But you ended things with her. What’s the problem?”

“See...she was killed...a week an a half ago,” Kevin stated, choking on his words as a few tears fell, “I loved her...a lot...and I realize that I just can’t...I wanted to be with her.”

“It’s understandable...you’re upset...someone you loved died...”

Kevin could tell that she didn’t quite understand completely..Either that she was trying to ignore the facts that were so blatantly obvious. Kevin was going for the latter. He wished she wouldn’t do this though. He wished she didn’t have that panicked look in her eyes, desperate to keep things going when she knew that they were ending. Kevin wasn’t going to change his mind, no matter what.

“I still love her. I...I don’t think that you and I should be together any longer...” Kevin winced at how harsh he sounded. He’d wanted to break it to her gently. He could see the tears starting to fall from her eyes now, although it had taken a second for it all to sink in.

“Are you sure?” Kelly asked. Kevin nodded, “Okay...well then...I guess...I guess I should be going.”

Kevin nodded, “I guess...” he didn’t know what to say. What did you say to somebody you just ended a relationship with, “I’m sorry.”

Kelly shrugged, wiping her tears away as she stood up. Kevin stood too and gave her a quick hug. When they pulled away from each other, Kelly grabbed her purse. She stood there for a second. It was as if time were standing still.

“I guess I’ll be going then...um..now,” Kelly said softly, “You coming?”

Kevin shook his head, “No, I think I’m going to stay here for a little while longer.”

Kelly nodded, pausing for another second before she walked away. Soon the door was opening and then she was gone. Kevin had a feeling that it would be the last time he saw her. By the time he got back to the hotel, Kelly would be long gone. One chapter in his life was over. He didn’t know how long it would take him to heal from Anita, and he knew that it wasn’t even close. He was no longer living a lie though. He could grieve properly. Kevin sighed again. He felt completely lost, alone and empty inside.