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**Epilogue**

Kevin still couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe that his Anita was gone. Gone forever. And all because of him. He was the reason that she’d come looking for him, and the reason that she’d left in such a fury of tears. He was the reason she’d been so distraught that she wasn’t paying attention to driving and the reason she’d wrecked and been killed instantly. He was the reason for all of it and he felt so guilty. Every day of his life for the past thirty-three days he felt the guilt and not once had it left him.

With a sigh, Kevin dressed up, knowing that for another night, he’d have to put on a happy, energetic front and just go through the motions. That’s all he’d been doing since Anita’s funeral. It was getting old, but it was something he had to do because of his career. At first, when given the option by the others who knew his grief, Kevin had felt touring would be a good idea to try and take his mind off of everything, but now he realized it had been a mistake. Now, if he had a choice, he would sit at home and let all of his hurt and frustrations out, but he couldn’t because of the mistake of a decision he’d made. Not for another month, and even then, it would be hard to find time that wasn’t already being consumed by pre-made schedules for him.

“You ready?”

Kevin looked up, forcing a big smile that he knew was obviously fake to AJ and the others standing behind him. They all held concern in their eyes, but knew better than to bring it up for fear that Kevin would have some sort of emotional breakdown.

“Yep,” Kevin replied, but he didn’t move. He just blanked out, wishing that Anita was there to watch the show and he had her to run to and meet up with afterwards. He still couldn’t believe that Anita had beaten Leukemia, but then just months later, died anyways. She would still be alive if he hadn’t messed with her feelings, leaving her cold, alone and confused back in New Mexico wondering what was going on. If he had just ended it before he left or kept in touch at least, things would be so different right then, or if he’d kept things going and brought her with him. He could enjoy being alive and she would be too.

“Kev.”

Kevin was beginning to wish that he had just died of the infection so many months ago. It would have been easier that way. He felt tortured and alone, not knowing how he was going to make it feeling so guilty. He missed Anita more than he could ever begin to express. He missed her fiery, stubborn attitude. He missed her sarcasm and how she didn’t take shit from anybody. He missed her sweet side and how she felt wrapped up in his arms. He would never have any of that again. Not with her.

“KEVIN.”

Kevin looked up, distracted. He realized he’d spaced out again by the looks on everybody’s faces. They weren’t annoyed or angry, but rather worried. They’d been so patient with him through all of this. He was trying to stay strong in front of everybody and had since it happened, but was losing that struggle quickly.

“You okay?” Nick asked, understanding more than any of them what the girl had meant to him. He had seen first-hand before Kevin had worsened. The couple had definitely had a strong, unique connection.

“Kind of have to be, right?” Kevin answered as he took in a deep, shaky breath with a small smile, but before he knew it, his smile fell as did a stream of tears he’d been holding in for so long.

It didn’t take long before he was enveloped in the arms of his four friends and ‘brothers’, ready to comfort him with any means necessary. Nobody spoke. They just let him sob on their shoulders, letting out his grief that had obviously been held in for more time than it should have been. It was all coming out at once now, the pain, the stress, the guilt, slowly flooding out with the wet tears. The feelings weren’t all gone, but they were relieved somewhat, making Kevin wonder why he’d wanted to stay so strong.

It was a good twenty minutes before the weeps died down, Kevin wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. One by one, the others let go of him, wondering if their friend who’d been through so much was going to be alright. Kevin looked up at them through blurred vision, sensing he needed some kind of exclamation for his collapse.

“I just miss her so much,” he explained meekly.

“We know.” was all Brian said, figuring they all understood without making Kevin go in to details.

They all sat there without moving or speaking, letting Kevin calm down for few minutes. Inhaling a few deep breaths, Kevin finally got his emotions in check and under control, knowing that this would only be the first of many breakdowns.

“You really need to get out there...”

The five looked up to see Chris, a member of their stage crew, in the doorway. He looked anxious, probably due to the riots the fans were causing by this point in an excited, restless frenzy to see the Boys in action.

“Tell them its okay to start in five.” Brian stated, nodding at Chris to let him know he was dismissed. He turned to Kevin, “Let’s try to get through tonight and we’ll decide from there what we should do. Sound like a plan?”

Kevin nodded, knowing that for that night, it was too late to turn back time and leave. He had to get through it somehow. He knew he’d have to get through the rest of the tour somehow, finding a strength within him he wasn’t sure was there or not yet.

Standing up, Kevin knew what he had to do as he followed the others out on to stage, just going through the motions for yet another night...the motions that were all so familiar to him now.

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“So, what’s it gonna be?” Howie asked casually as he looked at Kevin over a medium sized table top.

After the show, they’d managed to sneak away to a small restaurant half an hour outside of town. The place was basically deserted, making it easy for them to relax and talk without being mobbed by hundreds or even thousands of fans.

Kevin shrugged, now unsure of if he could make it another four weeks. That night had been rough, for every love song they sang, weather it was a strong love or a dying love, Kevin choked up on the words of the song. He’d thankfully swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat, continuing on as if he hadn’t a worry in the world, acting like he always had up on stage, however he knew at some points, his slip-ups had been noticed by the other Boys. The fans, however, didn’t seem to detect anything was out of the ordinary.

“I’m not sure,” Kevin sighed, taking a long drink from his bottle of beer, hoping that for one night, the effects of the alcohol would make him feel numb and care-free. Just one night to escape, “I don’t know how much more I can do of this...”

“If you need to, we can always postpone the remainder of the tour...or do so whenever you need to...” AJ offered

Kevin sighed, not knowing what he wanted. On one hand, he wanted nothing more than to crawl up in his bed and die, or just drown out his sorrows in silence and on his own time and terms. On the other hand though, he wanted to continue on and finish off the tour as scheduled, making the best of it like he’d been trying to do all along.

“I think that Anita would want you to continue on though,” AJ added, finishing off where he’d left his prior sentence lingering, “She’d want you to be happy.”

Kevin snorted, “I highly doubt that.” he replied, “She’d want me to suffer and rot in hell after what I did to her.”

He got no replies, letting it be known that the others agreed. This didn’t make him feel any worse though. It wasn’t even possible for him to feel worse.

“You know,” Nick finally stated, “Sure, she was pissed, and I don’t blame her...but I don’t think that Anita would have wanted you to do this to yourself, Kev...maybe at first, but she was reasonable enough...”

Kevin shrugged again, not knowing what he wanted or what Anita would have wanted for him. He’d want Anita to be happy, doing what she would have wished for. The last words she’d spoken to him though had been her screaming “I HATE YOU” at the top of her lungs.

They all were distracted when a singer who was on stage walked off, the music suddenly stopping. All was silent while there was a break, a new singer getting ready to take the small platform stage.

“Maybe,” he sighed, “I just wish that there was a sign...to let me know its okay for me to go on...I mean, naturally be sad, but not...do what I’m doing. Let me know its okay to let go of the guilt.”

“Isn’t it enough that she helped you survive that nasty infection and cancer...” AJ’s voice trailed off, “She was there for you, man...you’re in remission. Without her there to support you, do you honestly think you’d have made it this far?”

Kevin shook his head, knowing that he wouldn’t have. Every time he felt like giving up, and started to, he thought of Anita’s smile, and even in his dreams, it forced him to hang on to life and not let death take over. He’d improved because of her encouraging words and just being there for him. If it hadn’t been for Anita, Kevin knew that he wouldn’t have made it. He would have died in isolation long before the infection took a nosedive for the worst.

Only minutes later, an announcer came over the loudspeakers, his voice calm and soft, introducing the new singer on to stage...Miss Anita Lopez.

This got everybody’s attention as a small framed Latina woman took the stage, her hair soft and dark, her features young. She looked a lot like Kevin’s Anita, with a twist of differences to give her her own unique look, singing her own cover of I Will Survive in beautiful, harmonious notes. They were all silent for the first minute of her singing, just watching and listening.

“There’s your sign.” Brian stated, nodding towards the stage.

Kevin thought for a moment, listening to the words, making him wonder if Anita was there in spirit, beings the singers name, her looks and the song were such an odd coincidence. A small, sad smile formed on his lips as the artist, Anita Lopez, seemed to look him square in the eye as she sang, him knowing that it was in fact his sign.



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