Howie stared in awe as he watched the graceful Savannah Grace Lorden dance across the full length of the television screen. He was speechless with his jaw hanging ajar, hypnotized by her movements and the swaying of her hips. She was definitely what one would call phenomenon, or rather had been. And she would have been touring with them, dancing behind the scenes with one of them. One way or another, they would have met, only the other option was on good terms in just a couple of weeks with her still being a huge fan of their music and of them as human beings, not by a sick coincidence of fate which had caused both girls to despise everything that had to do with them...and he did mean everything.
Howie continued to watch Savannah as the scene changed on the tape he’d been given. This one obviously had been a home video of her dancing to their music, an enormous grin on her face which was big and bright enough to light up a room. She dipped her body low in a sexy, seductive move that would be enough to drive any man wild. He felt a pang in his heart at the sight of the carefree, upbeat, confident girl in the video when she turned towards the camera and jumped and began to giggle lightly, her beautiful face blushing, but she continued on dancing, waving to the camera. He felt remorse when once again he realized that this was what would have been an addition...the perfect addition, to the Never Gone tour, in both personality and with her talent. She was nothing like the girl that lay in the hospital bed, for that girl was sad, somewhat negative and had a chip on her shoulder holding a grudge against the world. And he didn’t blame her. He understood all the more now where everyone was coming from with her talent. Her parents must have been so proud, and him and the Boys had taken that away. He felt as if he were going to throw up and wondered if Mrs. Lorden had actually brought the tapes intended for him to see, knowing that he’d be there.
Followed by that stream of thoughts, he wondered if Savannah was out of surgery yet. She’d just been going in when he’d arrived, and an hour later when he’d left, she was obviously still in the surgery. It was expected to last between eight and twelve hours, depending on just how much damage had been done. It was a good nine hours later. He couldn’t help but wonder how she was doing, and wanted more than anything to go to the hospital and visit, seeing for himself. He deemed that a bad idea and out of the question though with her parents around. They didn’t want her there, so he figured he’d go in a few days and check her out for himself. His mind wouldn’t be at ease until he did.
He continued to watch her dance, each video in chronological order getting better and better. The one he was currently watching had the date of July 27, 2003...she would have been eighteen. Her talent continued to grow through the months and years, making her angelic posture and gracefulness break his heart all the more.
"Damnit," he murmured, turning the video cassette off, staring at the now blank screen of the TV. He couldn’t bear to watch any longer, for the guilt as building up at an impossible rate. He bowed his head low, putting it in his hands. He shook his head sadly as he let out a muffled scream of frustration.
The nurses, doctors, Savannah and Savannah’s parents were all right. He had destroyed her. They had destroyed her. Both of the girls, for that matter. There was no turning back time, and now Savannah’s talent had gone to waste in a single accident that nobody had seen coming on that bright, sunny Florida day out on the water. Something both parties had loved had turned in to a nightmare in an instant. It was funny how things worked out...sometimes not even for the better.
Howie was distracted by a knock on his front door. He sighed and got up, going to answer it. He was surprised to find Kevin on the other side. The older man looked distressed and troubled at mind. His dark hair was disheveled as if he’d not combed it for some time and his clothing wrinkled as if he'd slept in them. Kevin was usually a neat freak, so his appearance was both startling and disturbing.
"Hey Kev," Howie greeted, "C’mon in."
Kevin entered Howie*s home without a word, making his way in to the living room where Howie had been watching the videos just minutes before. He sat down on the couch, Howie following and plopping down on a reclining chair caddy corner from him. They stared at one another for a moment, Howie finding Kevin’s attitude odd.
"So, what are you up to?" Kevin asked casually.
"Watching some videos Savannah’s mother gave me of her dancing." Howie replied, seeing Kevin roll his eyes, "She was...incredibly amazing. Want to see them?"
"No, I’d rather not." Kevin replied, his body tensing at the mention of it, his features hardening and darkening. He’d come to hang out and forget everything, not be bothered with it first thing in the door.
"I really think you should..." Howie boldly countered, "You all should..."
"Howie, just drop it, okay?" Kevin snapped, interrupting the younger man, his eyes blazing in Howie’s direction.
"What’s your problem?" Howie questioned, "Did I tell you what her mother said to me?" he didn’t wait for a reply, for he was irritated and thought Kevin should know the true effect they’d had on the girls as well as their families, "She said that she wished we had killed her daughter, because the life we left her with isn’t even a life at all. Dancing was her life and we took that from her. Doesn’t that make you feel bad at all?"
"No. And to answer to her mothers comment, maybe they should have died then," Kevin retorted grumpily, "It would have been better for everyone. We wouldn’t have to kiss ass to get back our reputations, which by the way the fans are already turning their noses up. We have to work that much harder now to gain back what we lost, and it's not going to be an easy task as it is."
Howie shook his head in utter disgust by the older man, eyeing him up and down as if he had a contagious disease that could be spread by being in the same room. This was not the Kevin that he was used to and had grown up with. This man was a monster. An unfeeling, spineless monster. It was obvious that they just didn’t understand each other, which was driving a wall between the group.
"How can you be so cold?" Howie asked, his cheeks flaming up from anger, "How can you act like you don’t care one bit?"
"Because I don’t. Did you hear about what that stupid bitch Rina, or whatever the fuck her name is said to me?" Kevin asked, his voice loud and thunderous, "She treated me like a post man...a low life mail delivery person. I am not a fucking labor worker. I am a leading musician in the entertainment industry who has spent blood and tears getting to where I am today. I don*t appreciate being treated like a common blue collar worker who just gets up in the morning and goes."
Howie rolled his eyes. Kevin’s comments had been beyond low. He didn’t understand how he could be so heartless to hourly employees, and knock them down as if they were dirt in between the grooves on the bottoms of his expensive shoes. What he really didn’t understand was why Kevin was being such a pig about the women. They’d done nothing wrong. He didn’t know if it was a pride thing, or if Kevin felt so guilty that it was turning him in to this un-emotional rodent. Either way, it was not appealing.
"Whatever happened to the Kevin who had a heart of gold...what ever happened to all of us that did. Am I the only one who still has it? Has fame really affected your heads along with your wallets?" Howie asked incredulously, "Tell me, Kev...because up until now, I felt we’d all stayed down to earth and level-headed."
"Don’t you dare call me stuck up," Kevin seethed, "If it weren’t for their boat being in the way...how can I sympathize with that?"
"You don’t own the water, Kevin. You’re not God, by far, and quite frankly, if you were, I’d be losing my faith mighty quickly. So quit acting like you‘re better than the rest of the world. They had every right to be there, and if Nick hadn’t been so hammered, his judgment would have been clearer. If anything, it is..." Howie’s voice trailed off, "You know what? Screw it. Never mind. I’m not going to repeat myself to you again. It’s useless."
Kevin crossed his arms over his chest and fumed. If it had been a cartoon, Howie would have seen steam coming from the man’s ears. He could almost picture horns and a devils tale attached to him. That’s exactly what Kevin was to him right then...Satan’s Advocate.
"They’re bitches who expect the world to end just because they got a couple of boo-boo’s. Cry me a river." Kevin spat, "And now we have to pay because of it or else they’ll go crying to the press that the Backstreet Boys gave them a headache and a broken leg."
Howie looked at Kevin in complete disbelief. He couldn’t believe the words he was hearing, nor did he want to. He shook his head. It was more than just a broken leg and a headache, and Kevin knew it. He was just too much of a prick to accept it and take responsibility for all of their faults and be compassionate, as were Nick, Brian and A.J. He wanted to do physical damage to Kevin more than anything at that moment, but two things held him back. One, he wasn’t the violent type, and two, Kevin was twice his size and could quickly take over and murder him if he really wanted to. At that moment, Howie wasn’t so sure that Kevin wouldn’t do just that either.
"Don’t speak to me right now. I’ve lost all respect for you." Howie stated, getting up and walking away from a man he*d used to admire. He wasn’t going to kick Kevin out of his home, but he’d assume not be in the same room as him.
“That’s just fine by me," Kevin shouted after him, "Because I never even asked for it."
Dear Savvy
Hi, it’s me...Ann. I*m still stuck in ICU. Howie came to visit me yesterday with A.J. I kicked them out. They’ve got nerve...thinking an ‘I’m sorry’ can make everything all better. Oh well...its all for publicity. I’m sure they were just as thrilled to be there as I was to have them...sarcasm, by the way.
Excuse my poor handwriting, as I have to do this one handed. My one arm is on fire from the burn...it*s wrapped in gauze and all that jazz. I’m afraid to see what it looks like and I am groggy all of the time. It really sucks, which is why I am trying to get this written quickly...because I’ll likely be asleep again in another hour or so tops.
I miss you tons, girl. I wish I could see you, and we could be there for each other...other than just through notes and short phone conversations. I wish you would tell me what’s going on with you...cuz I know its something. I care about you so much and even though you say it’s nothing, I can hear in your voice it is. I*ll be there for you every step of the way...we’re gonna need the support of each other.
I’ve been wanting to tell you for some time now that I am really sorry for everything. It is my fault that you’re going through whatever you are, but I hope that whatever it is isn’t life-altering. But it really is my fault and I feel so guilty, because if I hadn’t rented the boat for the day in celebration of your accomplishment, it wouldn’t have happened. So please don’t be mad at me, but if you are, I don*t blame you. I luv ya...again, I am so unbelievably sorry.
I’m going to go now...please write me back. I’d give you a hug and all if I could, but this is all I can do for now.
Oh, Kevin is here...he told me he doesn’t even want to be. Real sweetheart, huh? What I wonder is why he even bothered to show up. Oh well...probably best I don*t know the answer. I can’t believe I ever thought he was true and the most amazing man ever to grace the planet. Guess it*s good I am seeing him for his true colors...and all of them. Just kinda sad...one of the huge things that made us so happy turns out to be nothing but a fraud. Oh well...shit happens. Well, feel better soon, Savvy. I’m thinking of you.
Love, Ann
Tears welled in Savannah’s eyes as her mother read the note to her from her best friend. She was just beginning to become somewhat alert again from the anesthesia that had knocked her out for so long. It was the day after her surgery and she was in more pain then she could ever say. Thankfully, she was given morphine as well as a couple of other prescription pills.
"Ann cares about you so much, honey," Mrs. Lorden said with a light smile, "I’m glad you’re friends."
"Me too, Momma," Savannah replied, "I need to write her back..." her voice trailed off. Rhiannon had no clue that she’d had surgery, so if it took her a few days to reply, Savannah knew that her friend would jump to conclusions of the absolute worst possible scenario.
"She’ll understand," her mother stated as if reading her daughters mind, "You’ll probably be feeling up to it by tomorrow."
"Probably," Savannah winced, a frown set upon her face, "I can’t believe Kevin actually admitted to not wanting to be there with her..." she shook her head in disgust. So much for get well visits.
Mrs. Lorden shrugged, "Don’t let it stress you." she told Savannah, then her eyes lit as she bent down and picked up something large filled with gifts wrapped in tissue paper, "That Howie wanted me to deliver these to you...he was here, but left." she paused, "I’m still angry with him for what he took part in, but I do think he is sorry."
"It’s all part of their publicity plan to keep up their good image," Savannah muttered, taking the basket from her mothers arms, "He doesn’t mean it."
She slowly picked up the gift on top, staring at it blankly for a long moment before slowly unpeeling the violet tissue paper off of it. She gasped as she found herself staring at a snow globe with dolphins swimming around on the inside of it. The water was a light tint of blue with small sand grains as the snow as well as some tiny sea shells. Along the base were diamonds...real diamonds, she could tell, for they sparkled in just the right way by the way the light hit it, reflecting off of them.
"How did he know?" Savannah whispered, wondering how he'd figured out her love for dolphins and the marine life. Her eyes turned dark though, remembering that it meant nothing. She placed it back in the paper and crinkled it around the globe, stuffing it back in to the basket forcefully. She handed the basket to her mother, "Put it somewhere...where I don*t have to look at it."
"Savvy!?" her mother exclaimed, "I understand you’re upset, but..."
"But nothing, Momma," Savannah cried out, "Don’t you get it? He doesn’t care about little ole me or Ann. He’s just doing it in hopes to get a pretty picture of him in a magazine...to save his own ass. They’re obligation gifts. Just...put them in my closet back home and I’ll look at them on a rainy day when I’ve got nothing better to do. But for right now, I don’t want any of it. Yes, it’s beautiful, but it came from a pig. Somebody I want nothing to do with who keeps prying his nose in where it doesn’t belong because him and the band just don't care about anything or anyone but themselves. God forbid they lose a fan or two. How could you even begin to defend them after everything?"
Mrs. Lorden sighed. She figured that Savannah was right. Her daughter had always had a knack for seeing people for who they truly were. She tried to see good in everybody, but obviously there was no good in these five men. She reached out and rubbed Savannah's hand, seeing her trembling form. She too hated the men with a passion for doing this to the two best friends, and if Savannah wanted to be ungrateful for the gifts, then she had every right to be.
"Calm down, honey. You just had surgery and probably shouldn’t be getting so worked up. It’s not healthy."
Savannah took in a few deep breaths as she slowly eased down her anxious heart beat. A few tears fell from her eyes. She hated feeling sorry for herself under normal circumstances, but these definitely weren’t what one would call normal circumstances. She missed her best friend, she missed her part time job she had outside of dancing, but she missed her old life more than anything because that was something that, no matter how hard she tried, she’d never be able to get back.
