“Lost Souls”
“Runnin’ out of self control, gettin’ close to an overload. Up against a no-win situation, shoulder to shoulder, push and shove, I’m hanging up my boxin’ gloves.” – Journey, “Be Good To Yourself”
~**Chapter 10 – Hidden Self Destructions
Brian heads down the hall to his dorm. Things haven’t been as good as he hoped here. He knew Ray Anne had been gone with Julia and AJ for the weekend, which he figured to be the best thing for her and even for the rest of them. He plays with his necklace a little, wondering how to help Nick get out of his slump. Him chasing after his sister was only going to end badly. He loved Ray Anne to death but he knew how she could be with guys. It made him happy Justin was back in their lives. Justin would be able to help. He blinks as he runs right into someone much taller then himself. He takes a few steps back to see Alex’s older brother, Kevin. He looked worn out. Bags sat under his now dull green eyes, his face looked as if it belonged to someone about ten years older and had been through too much in one lifetime. Kevin yawns as he helps Brian up. Brian frowns, this school seemed to be filled with problems.
“Sorry about that Brian.”
“It’s okay, I was kinda out of it. You ok?”
“Yeah, fine, just getting in from work.”
Brian runs a hand through his strawberry blonde curls, his cerulean eyes trying to read Kevin’s seemingly neutral face. “Really? I didn’t know you had a job.”
Kevin shrugged nonchalantly, “Oh it’s just a way to get some extra money.”
Brian starts to say something, then stops. He had thought Kevin and AJ came from the well to do family. Also, he knew that anyone here on scholarship got extra money for various things like that. It seemed either way Kevin shouldn’t need a job. It was why the school did that, so the students could focus more on the arts. He decided not to argue and say this though; otherwise he may not be able to find out more. Kevin looked like a wreck and Brian wanted to know why.
“Ah, yeah I understand that.”
“I’ll see you around then, at the next play rehearsal probably.”
“Alright.” He watches the taller man walk by him and down to his own dorm. It seemed there was more to Kevin and AJ than he had originally thought.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
She had known it would be a bad idea for her to come back. She just knew she should have run while she had the chance. She had chickened out though. She came back and now she has to watch the tension between Alex and Nick grow during the rehearsal. It was all because of her. Figures she’d cause this. Seems that’s all Ray is good for. Ray Anne knows Brian is worried sick about her. He gets this way every time she starts trying to keep to herself. She couldn’t help it though it was her defense mechanism. It had gotten her through worse times in the past and it would get her through guilt now. Alex did not need this on top of his worries for Kevin. She still had no clue ho w to help him in that respect either. She was good for nothing; of this she was sure. She sees Brian give her a worried and sympathetic glance. She hated what she did to him. He grew up way before he should have because he thought he had to protect her. He missed out because of her.
“RAY ANNE LITTRELL!!”
She turned and blinked to look up and see her new dance coach, Stephanie Serena, Her old coach had quit suddenly during her trip to the beach for a reason no one knew. She just up and left, vanished almost and no one knew what had become of her. Stephanie’s jade eyes blaze with annoyance, her dark blondish brown hair tied back in a neat bun as she looked down at Ray for her distracted dancing. They were rehearsing for the final dance number in Grease and it was obvious to anyone with eyes that her heart wasn’t in it. Ray sighed and wiped her brow.
“Sorry Ms. Serena.”
“I have no time for stragglers right now. Go sit outside until you decide you this is important enough to focus on.”
“Fine.” She said stubbornly, grabbing her bag and heading out into the hall. She leaned against the wall and let herself slide down to the floor and sat. She pulled out a small silver vial from her bag, opened it up, and began drinking from it eagerly.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Nick sits on his bed, making a light sketch of what he planned to paint on his canvas. He felt down, and he knew it would be a good time to try and paint it out. He has always used his artistic talents to help with his emotions. He never told anyone this though. How could he? He was Nick Carter. He was supposed to be a man, not the wimp he truly sees himself to be. His hand travels over the paper as if it had a life of it’s own, and Nick continued to let his thoughts rule. They soon drift back to Ray Anne, the mystery that seemed to be her. She was a contradiction in itself. A strong person, yet so fragile. He didn’t get it. Brian had been talking to him about it, he seemed to think Nick should let her go. It would be the smart thing.
‘I should, I mean why put myself at risk anymore…it makes no sense…none at all’ he thought, as a picture starts to become visible on the canvas. Yet, for some reason, he did not seem to want to.
Then there was Jamelet. She seemed to now want him. She couldn’t do to him what Ray Anne could though. However, Nick could not deny Jamelet was very beautiful. She would be fun to date probably, and a good way to move on from Brian’s sister. But what if he was wrong? Maybe she did not want Nick; maybe it is just some twisted game or cruel prank. Seems that last week she had been going for Kevin, now the two were hardly speaking. Something had most likely gone sour. Was he really willing to take the risk of the humiliation? The risk of being stripped down to reveal the worthless being he knew he was? His ocean eyes catch sight of a picture of Brian and Ray Anne together in a frame sitting on Brian’s desk and the answer immediately became yes.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Howie sat at a table in his favorite coffee shop. He grinned when he spotted his long time friend come up to him. She wore black flowing dancing pants and a loose white top with a few spots of dried clay on it. He chuckled she always had clay on her. Her long black hair is in loose ways and went down to the middle of her back, her dark brown eyes sparkled happily without a care. He sipped his coffee and waved her over> he has known Alyssa Lee since they were kids. His slice of normalcy, she had no hint of any of the problems him and Jamelet had, and that is the way he liked it. Made him feel like the average teenager he should be, but isn’t. She came up and takes a seat after ordering a mocha latte, her favorite drink there.
“I haven’t seen you much lately” she said to him smiling.
“I know, things have been crazy.”
“Just another year at Bright Sky.”
“True.”
“So what’s up with Jammy? I hear she’s chasing after…Nick Carter?”
Howie blinked, he had not heard that. He knew of his sister’s harshness against Ray Anne Littrell but he did not think she’d go for him. If he had known he would have talked her out of it. It was a bad idea, he knew what he wanted and he did not want Jamelet to get hurt. She had been though a lot, and all she wanted was love. She wouldn’t get it from Nick.
“I didn’t know that.”
She shrugged. “Could be just another dumb rumor.”
“True, but I’ll talk to her, and ask. We haven’t talked much lately either.” Which was true. The two had become more distant lately and Howie didn’t know why. Maybe it was the thing against that Littrell girl. He wasn’t sure. He sighed. It couldn’t be any home problems; they had left them behind when they came to the school every year. This had always been their only escape, which is why he never let Jamelet just run off. He did not know the consequences and besides that, he wanted them both to have a future and graduating would be a part of that. Time to talk to her and try and help her figure everything out.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Brian sits on his bed after rehearsals. Ray Anne is avoiding him again. He worried for her greatly. She had never been the most stable of people. Most never catch onto that however. He doubted even Justin knew. Her downfall began after their parents were gone. He glances at himself in the mirror. He felt numb. The urge to feel came rushing back at him. It was overpowering. He had felt a part of him had left and only returned any time he did it. What was the big deal? He promised to himself it would only be a little one. Then he would stop. No big deal. He pulls out the pocketknife from his pocket, taking out the blade as he pushed up his long right sleeve, to reveal the faded scars along his arm from previous times. The metal glimmered in the light. He headed into the bathroom and stands over the sink and he lets the blade slice into his arm gently. Life flowed from the wound.
Brian watches with a twisted pleasure. A small grin formed on his face from the small amount of pain that came with it. Pain, he was alive. Most of time he felt almost nothing, he felt dead. This reassured him he was still alive. He could feel. This is what it must feel like to be alive. To be one of those people he sees with a normal, happy life. He watched the flood of blood lessen, and used the blade to slice his arm again only deeper this time. He could control this…he would soon stop…he just wanted to feel…
There was a figure standing in the shadows, unbeknownst to Brian. It snickers silently as it watched the young man cut himself again and again.
“Yes…” it whispered seductively to Brian. “You must feel…”
Brian looks at his arm, many fresh cuts existed there now. He watched the blood run from them along his arm and into the sink. He must feel. He must feel. He must finally feel…
The figure watched with a deep satisfaction at the young man’s hidden self-destruction. Brian turned and looked directly where the figure stood with sad eyes, but saw nothing but a simple shadow. He turns back and turns on the water, and grabbed a nearby washcloth to wash his arm off and clean up the mess before Nick came back. The door was locked, but he feared being caught. No one would understand. No one.
Lost Souls by Rose
