The Hills are alive….and it’s terrifying…. with penguins and Gus and Howie who wants to sing….
~The musical chapter by Mare~
Kevin: (shaking the dirt off of his now normal looking pants) Well that was interesting…for a minute there I thought I was a goner.
Nick: (Squatting trying to adjust himself in his jeans) I knew she wasn’t going to actually kill you off; I’ll miss Jodie, too bad she couldn’t come with us.
AJ: So where the heck are we? (Walking around still scratching his head)
Howie: Not sure, it kind of looks like…
Brian: Maybe we’re back home?
Howie: (looking over at Brian annoyed for being interrupted) Why would you say that?
Brian: Because it seems normal enough, looks like we’re in a park or something.
Kevin: (walks over and sits down on the bench) Yeah but Bri, by now we have to realize normalcy isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.
Nick: Whoa Kevin…you just totally rhymed dude.
AJ: (Speaking to Nick) It really doesn’t take very much to amuse you at all does it?
Nick: Nope….ooh a yellow string! (Nick bats his string and walks away)
Kevin: (stands up and in one leap jumps up on the bench) Now why did I just do that?
AJ: Where is that music coming from? You hear that?
Nick: (Looking up at the sky) Lord not the porn music again!
Nick: Nothing…never mind…yes AJ good question where is that music coming from?
AJ: I have an even better question, where did Kevin get the top hat?
(Everyone looks over at Kevin who is now wearing a top hat and tuxedo)
As sung by Kevin
Do chickens have wings?
Does Tinkerbell sing?
Do pigs play ping pong in a hall?
Do elevators ding?
Do telephones ring?
Normalcy is the answer to them all.
(Starts tap dancing with a cane that flies out of nowhere)
Normalcy ain’t what it’s cracked up to be…
People will think it’s a boring place you see
Normalcy…ain’t what it’s cracked up to be…
Ask that chinchilla swinging from a tree.
(Chinchilla comes down and lands on AJ’s head.)
AJ: What the fuck? Get this stupid thing off of me!!!
Do little girls play with dolls? (Brian jumps up on bench on one side of Kevin)
Brian: Yes they do
Do beavers build things with logs? (Nick jumps up on bench on the other side of Kevin) Nick: you know it’s true
Do fairytales ever come true? (All boys look at Howie) Howie: Um…I have no idea?
AJ what about you? (Everyone looks at AJ who is still fighting with the chinchilla.)
AJ: Do these fucking things bite?
Normalcy ain’t what it’s cracked up to be….
People will think it’s a boring place you see?
(Kevin jumps off the bench and walks over placing his hand on Howie)
So here’s the deal oh Howie woo woo woooooooooo
(All the boys except AJ gather around Howie)
Backstreet Boys and normal…do not dooooo
Gus: At the end of the song everyone looked at Howie who seemed really confused about what was going on.
Howie: Kevin what in the holy hell was that all about?
Kevin: I have no idea, but it was cool.
Howie: It made no sense (looks up at the sky) That song made no sense.
Writer: Howie have you ever been in a musical before?
Howie: Of course I have.
Writer: Good then you realize that sometimes people burst into songs that sometimes make no sense; I mean seriously do you not realize how some of your lyrics make no sense?
Kevin: So this is a musical chapter then?
Kevin: Cool! Thanks for giving me the first song!
Writer: No problem.
AJ: Fuck it all to hell! Is that damn thing going to give me rabies?
Gus: AJ said when finally the chinchilla jumped off his head and climbed back up the tree.
Brian: J all the cussing isn’t really necessary.
Kevin: Yeah seriously AJ
Nick: Yup not appropriate at all.
AJ: Nick what the hell are you talking about? You fucking cuss as much if not MORE than I do!
Brian: Seriously AJ…enough.
As sung by AJ
AJ: cool! Now this I like…cue music!
I can cuss if I want too…I can leave all cares behind
Because If I don’t cuss that would really suck and knock me on my behind…
I can cuss if I want too…because I have my own will
And if you don’t like it… well then you can all go straight to hell
I Can say shit
I Can say damn
It’s all under control
I Can say fuck
I Can say shmuck
Go suck on your big toe
I can say shit
I can say damn
No one’s gonna care
I can say suck this
I can say fuck this
I wish I had hair!
Writer: Well you do don’t you?
AJ: I guess…Anyway where was I?
Writer: You can cuss if you want to.
I can cuss if I want to so you all need to back off!
If I want to cuss then I’m going to cuss you can’t tell me off!
I can cuss if I want to and that’s the final word
Give me some guff and I’ll tell you off and then flip you the bird!!!!
Nick: That was a great song AJ
AJ: Fuck yeah!
Brian: Enough with the cussing!
AJ: Did you not just listen to the song? I mean I can sing it again if you want?
Kevin: So…two odd songs later and we still don’t really know what’s going on here. I mean do we leave and move along? What do you guys think?
Howie: I’m not sure…maybe we should wait for some kind of sign?
Brian: What kind of a sign?
Howie: (Jumps up on the bench) well let me tell you…cue music (points to the air)
Writer: um…Howie, you don’t have a song.
Howie: But…I thought that if…I mean I can sing a song about a sign from above?
Howie: But Kevin got a song.
Writer: Step away from the bench.
Howie: (Sighs and jumps down off the bench.) This isn’t fair.
Nick: (walks over to Howie and puts an arm around him) Awe D, don’t be sad let me cheer you up.
Kevin: Nick what the heck are you wearing brother?
Brian: Oh this should be very interesting.
Nick: (looks down to see he is in a penguin costume) Um…I’m about to sing a cute song aren’t I?
Gus: Nick said rolling his eyes.
Howie: Now wait a minute how come Nick gets a song?
Writer: Would you rather be dressed like the penguin?
Howie: Okay good point…Nick sing away…go ahead cheer me up I’m waiting.
Sung by Nick
Nick: Okay I’m not singing a song with the word glee in it.
Writer: cue music!
Nick: perhaps you didn’t hear me the first time...but I’m not singing a song with the word glee in it.
Writer: What word?
Glee….glee…glee, it rhymes with tree tree tree
My cup of tea tea tea…makes me ha pee pee pee
Nick: Quit that! You totally just tricked me into singing that!
Brian: Nick that was nothing you were also flapping your wings and spinning around in circles.
Nick: Okay that’s it a quit!
Writer: Oh don’t be a party pooper you enjoy laughing don’t you?
Nick: Yes I love to laugh
Getting down on one knee knee knee…
Nick: Ahhh stop doing that! And for your information, Penguins don’t even have knees! And now that I’m down here I can’t get the hell back up again! A little help!!! Guys stop laughing and help!
Kevin: (runs to help Nick up but still laughing as he’s rolling back and forth) I’m sorry little man, you just look…
AJ: Like a drunk penguin (AJ and Brian high five as Kevin gets Nick back on his feet.)
Nick: Thanks Kevin, it’s nice to know someone cares. (Gives the rest of the guys a look)
Gus: Nick waddled back to the bench and sat next to Howie…feet sticking in the air as Howie tried his hardest to control his laughter.
Oh Howie D…can’t you see...all I want to do is make you smile
So please cheer up, give me a wink and will you sing with meeeeeeeeeeee….
Nick: I’m not going back to the glee thing again. Not gonna do it!
Writer: Do what?
Nick: sing with…
Glee glee glee…it rhymes with tree tree tree
It’s my cup of tea tea tea oh can’t you see see see
(Stands up with trouble until Howie steadies him)
Life is just a bowl of cherries; everything should be all happy and merry
So next time when you’re down sing with me…
Everything should be filled with glee…(Fireworks go off behind him as his little wings go up on the air)
AJ: (to writer) Dude… I will pay you like a million bucks if you make him sing that again, or better yet if you give ME the power to make him sing that when he is acting like a little butt!
Kevin: Okay as much as we’d all enjoy watching Nick make a fool of himself once again…
Kevin: There are more important matters at hand.
Brian: Maybe if we just start walking that way?
Gus: Brian said pointing towards the direction of the sun, waiting for everyone to answer him one way or the other.
AJ: Sounds like a good plan Rok
Brian: Thanks man, I was always told by my parents, when in doubt follow the sun.
Howie: (pouting) Why do I feel another song coming on?
Sung by Brian
Brian: cue music!
Howie: See? I knew it! SO unfair!
When I was young and thought that life was so simple
Minutes seemed like hours to me….
I’d lay under the shade of big oak tree
And daydream of how life’s supposed to be.
Closing my eyes I saw pictures
Of the way my life used to be.
I never thought that this would happen
To me………to me
(Squirrels, bunnies, and the chinchilla all come from behind the bench and start singing background ooo’s)
No matter what direction you may be going
Just follow the sun and you will reach your dreams
Chorus of animals: Reach your dreams….
AJ: If that chinchilla comes by me again someone’s turning into a coat!
Chinchilla: (Shows teeth) hisssssss
(AJ hides behind Kevin)
Kevin: (To writer) You have NO idea what a chinchilla is do you?
Brian: (annoyed) Do you mind? I’m singing the meaningful ballad over here!
Howie: (muttering under his breath) Of course YOU are.
Life can really hit you hard sometimes
Animals: Yes it can…
But how you choose to deal is up to you.
Animals: You know it’s true…
So keep your eyes always on the prize…
Nick: eyes on prize….
Brian: What the heck? Why are you singing with me now?
Nick: I’m still dressed like a penguin dude…speaking of which (To writer) when is that going to change? Hello? Hello?
And make sure you follow through
All animals and a random Nick: Follow through…
No matter what direction you may be going
Just follow the sun and you will reach your dreams
Chorus of animals: Reach your dreams….
Kevin: That was beautiful cousin.
Nick: I’d still very much like to remedy the penguin situation.
AJ: (finally coming from behind Kevin once the chinchilla climbed back up the tree) yeah that was really sweet and all but it didn’t really make sense OR answer our which way do we go question.
Kevin: AJ you idiot…we are supposed to follow the sun!
AJ: Was the name calling really necessary?
Brian: Well the sun is pointing that way (points west) so I say we head that way.
Nick: I’m not going anywhere until SOMEONE let’s me get out of this penguin costume! You know it would have made more sense to have Brian in this outfit since he sang with the animals.
Kevin: Nick stop being a baby and just deal with it!
Nick: Oh it’s easy for you to say! Maybe she should make you be a cactus then you’ll know!
AJ: (to Nick) well at least she didn’t have a chinchilla attack your ass!
Nick: He was probably afraid of the costume…maybe you should put AJ in the penguin get up.
Writer: Fine enough with the penguin costume there ya go!
Nick: (looks down to see his clothes again) Thanks!
Gus: While the boys argued they didn’t notice a very quiet and sulking Howie D remaining on the bench.
Brian: oooh right, hey Howie what’s up with you now?
Howie: I am feeling left out.
Kevin: Why D?
Howie: Because everyone got a song but me and that always happens.
Brian: (to writer) can we get rid of the awwwing animals? It’s kind of creeping me out.
Howie: Hello? We were focusing on me and why I’m sad remember?
Brian, animals and writer: awwww
Gus: (walks over to Howie and sits down) Howie, sometimes not everyone always gets what they want. You know the road is hard and long but you are appreciated by so many people.
(Orchestra starts to play and Gus stands up as a spotlight shines on him)
Sung by Gus
Howie: Okay wait a minute now this is getting ridiculous (orchestra gets louder) AHH stop playing I’m trying to talk over here! (Orchestra crescendo’s once again and Gus opens his mouth to start singing) Okay quit it!! (Howie takes off his shoe and throws it at the conductor’s head so he puts down his baton and the orchestra stops abruptly)
Conductor: That hurt!
Gus: I was just about to sing my song.
Howie: Uh…I don’t mean to be rude or anything but who the hell are you anyway? I mean it’s been almost an entire chapter you have been here with us and no one has even asked what you were doing here.
Gus: I’m Gus.
Howie: Yeah that part I get but why are you here?
Gus: Well someone has to narrate the chapter, that’s my job.
Howie: Fine but then why do YOU even get a song when all you should be doing is narrating?
Gus: (getting defensive) You know, when I took this gig, I didn’t think I’d have to deal with all this animosity….it’s not easy being a narrator, no one cares about the narrator. (Starts crying) Know what I’m outta here! I hope you’re happy now! (Gets on a chicken and rides away)
Nick: I really think this writer has an unhealthy bird fascination.
Brian: Why do you say that?
Nick: Dude…attack duck ring a bell? Me dressed as a penguin…riding off into the sunset on a chicken?
Brian: True…good point, but now what?
AJ: Where the hell did the damn chinchilla come in then?
Kevin: I don’t think she knows what a chinchilla is.
Howie: Well now that Gus is gone there still needs to be a song sung right? (Staring up at the sky to answer him) Well?
Writer: Fine…now that you have hurt Gus’ feelings go ahead and sing his stupid song.
Sung by Howie
(Howie excitedly stands up on the bench as the orchestra starts to play)
You are loved…
Kevin: Hey guys I found another door!
AJ: It’s about Fucking time that chinchilla was giving me looks again!
Nick: All right back in business let’s blow this taco stand.
Howie: Damn! (To writer) You think you’re really funny don’t you?
Writer: I try.
Nick: Let’s go D…I think I see a beautiful woman waiting for us.
Kevin: Oh no not another lyrics chapter.
AJ: Is she riding a chicken?
AJ: Well at least we know it’s not this one again.
Howie: (As he’s being pushed through the door) I wanted to sing that damn song!!
Hehehe, poor Howie I heart him but i'm being SO mean to him in this one. ..anyway, Marina will be back next week with the romance chapter lol Thanks as always for the great reviews! We appreciate it!