Ghetto Pigs picking up sticks and Howie falls from the sky
The Fairy Tale chapter
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there was a village called PimPigStyIt (that's short for Pimp Pig Style It). In the village, there lived a 25 year old pig named PigDiddy. He was collecting sticks in the woods to make a new and bigger house with his 2 older brothers. It was while he was busy picking up the last batch of sticks into his mini truck, that a human being fell from the open sky with a huge thud.
Writer: I said a HUGE thud.
"Oww!" Howie yelled as he fell flat on his face into the slightly muddy ground.
"I know I walked in by a door, how can I possibly drop from the sky!"
Writer: The door was up there.
"In the sky?"
Writer: Yeah, you got a problem with that?
"As a matter of fact, I do! How come I....”
As Howie started yapping his negative thoughts away and began to verse in Spanish and confuse the poor writer, Nick, Brian, Kevin and AJ walked out of a tree trunk.
“Whoa, tree trunk! Awesome!” Brian cried as he looked back from where he came from.
“I think the author has a fascination with trees.” Kevin said.
Writer: I thought you like trees, Kevin
“This is borderline obsessive.” Kevin said. “I mean, walking out from a tree?
Writer: I’m sorry your imagination is limited.
“Well, your imagination is too-”
“There’s a pig, in overalls.” AJ said, frozen on the spot. Nick, who was also frozen next to him, nodded. “And he’s walking, with two legs.”
Kevin, losing his concentration, decided to stop arguing and look over where Howie was standing next to the pig in overalls.
“Holy doo doo, you’re a pig!” Howie said, surprised.
“I think we’ve established that.” Kevin said in utter amusement.
“Sup. The name’s PigDiddy, you dig?” PigDiddy said as he offered a, er, handshake.
“No, not Dig, I’m Howie D.” Howie said as they shook hands.
“Say what?” PigDiddy asked, confused.
“Er, D, I think that was ghetto slang.” Nick said, still afraid to move.
“Dude, like, PDiddy?” AJ exclaimed.
“Who’s PDiddy?” PigDiddy asked.
Brian grinned and readily approached the pig. “Hi, I’m Brian, nice to meet you.”
Meanwhile, Howie was checking the pig out discreetly –
“Okay, that’s just GROSS! I’m NOT checking a pig out! Especially if it’s a ghetto pig!”
“Watchu’ tryinta say? You got a beef with me dawg? Just cuz I’m ghetto and shit?” PigDiddy said as his, er, hands, started flying around ghetto style.
Writer: Ok, first of all, you have a dirty mind Howie! And second of all, if you would only let me finish my sentence, you’ll know that I didn’t mean it that way!
Kevin meanwhile, went over to Nick and whispered, “Why is this pig reminding me of someone?”
“You’re crazy Kevin.” Nick scoffed.
Meanwhile, Howie was checking the pig out discreetly, convinced that it was a man in a pig suit.
“So what’s crackin’ man?” PigDiddy asked Brian. “Watchu doin’ comin’ outta from dat trunk? Dat phat yo, didn’t noe you culd do dat, yanno?”
Brian grinned even wider, unsure if he got all that was said. “Yeah…”
Kevin and AJ looked at each other and then at Nick.
“What’s up with the looks?” Nick asked uneasily.
“Nick, PigDiddy sounds like you!” AJ cried.
“Dude now you’re just begging me to kick your ass.” Nick grunted.
Meanwhile, Brian was still doing his best trying to understand PigDiddy. “Just wondering PigDiddy, where are we?”
“Dis the woods dawg. Been pickin’ up sticks. Makin’ a new crib with my brothas, it’s gonna be whack yo!”
“You have brothers?” Kevin asked.
“2 brothas fo life yo! We gonna hook up some kick ass deco and shit. Pimpin da lifestyle yanno?”
Kevin nodded. “Right…yo.”
Nick looked at PigDiddy, trying to understand why everyone else seemed okay that a talking pig was standing right in front of them. At this rate, Nick was sure that the only sane one left besides him, was AJ.
“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean!” Brian said, looking at Nick, who was currently shocked that Brian could read his mind. “I can read minds?”
“That’s not cool.” Nick shook his head.
“Cool!” Brian grinned. “And I’m just friendly!”
Friendly my ass, Nick thought.
“Brian! Stop reading my mind!”
“Stop calling me your ass!”
Yeah cause my ass is prettier.
“Whoa, dude Brian, you remind me of my brother dawg.” PigDiddy said, breaking up the fight. “But he cant read minds and all that shit.”
AJ giggled. “Why am I not surprised?”
“At what?” Nick asked.
“Nothing.” AJ said, even though he really wanted to say that PigDiddy reminds him of Nick, so if there is a Nick Pig, there should be a Brian pig somewhere.
“I heard that.” Brian said.
“Stop reading my fucking mind!” AJ groaned.
Howie, after much convincing that it was indeed a real life pig in overalls standing next to him, decided to step in and calm things down.
“Okay guys listen. We’re obviously in another stupid genre-”
“Howard, don’t censor your own words man.” Brian laughed.
“You were going to say the F word.”
“Interrupt me one more time and I will.” Howie smiled. “Anyway, we’re in another stupid genre and for some reason, this writer thinks it’s ingenious to let Brian have this ‘gift’ of mind reading!”
“And made pigs wear overalls!” AJ pointed out.
“And trying to be ghetto.” Nick added.
“Nick bro, you have no place to talk about that one.” Kevin smirked.
“You’re supposed to be on MY side.” Nick pouted.
“Dude what’s your effing problem?” PigDiddy called out to Nick, which surprised the blonde one.
“I don’t have any problems.”
“Yeah you do dawg. You got beef wit me, sup wit dat?”
Nick rolled his eyes. “You just called me a dog, said I have cow meat with you and you’re a PIG, that TALKS. Of course, everything’s fine and dandy!”
“That ain’t fair dude. I was just reading the storyline that the writer made for me.” PigDiddy defended himself.
Howie snorted. “Of course, the writer always doesn’t make much sense.”
Writer: I can bring back the bear that I remember fondly, was going for your head Howie.
Howie looked at Kevin, who had been rather quiet throughout the entire ordeal. “Kevin, are you just going to stand there and not say something? I mean, where do we draw the line anyway? When she turns all of us into different poultries?”
Writer: Hey, that’s an idea…
Kevin scratched his head. “I don’t want her to bring back the angry duck. I think a talking pig is okay.”
“You’re just scared of the duck.” Brian laughed, which got a kick out of Nick and AJ. And dare this writer say, the pig.
“You’re really getting to piss me off Cousin!”
AJ rested his hand on PigDiddy’s shoulder. “There he goes again, the big C.”
“I’ve been told that Kevin here is very fond of letting everyone know Brian is his cousin.” PigDiddy said.
“He does.” Nick giggled.
“Hey,” AJ said as he started feeling PigDiddy’s shoulder.
“That’s borderline slash.” Howie interrupted.
Writer: Howie, stop with the slash talk!
AJ was still feeling PigDiddy’s shoulder. “I didn’t know pig skin was smooth dude.”
“I moisturize.” PigDiddy said.
Before AJ could comment on it and wonder what kind of moisturizer a pig would use, another voice was heard from a distance in the woods.
“PigDiddy where the heck did you go boy?”
Nick’s eyes grew wider as he looked at AJ. “There’s another pig that talks out there.”
“And I bet he talks like Brian.”
Nick frowned. “AJ, you’re seriously scaring me.”
“Dude, get a clue. This writer is making the pigs resemble all of us. We have PigDiddy, the frustrated ghetto wannabe, now, if that doesn’t ring Nick Carter, I don’t know what will.”
“But I’m NOT ghetto! I’m a rocker!” Nick argued.
For some reason, AJ had to laugh at that. “Nicky, Sphynkter isn’t real.”
Writer: Which the video rocks, by the way
“Aww, why thank you writer!”
Writer: You’re very much welcome Nick. You look so stupid with that mullet, but oh so hot as a rocker.
“Aww that’s because I’m both stupid and hot.”
Writer: Aww I know!
“Wait, I didn’t say that! You made me say it!”
Writer: I’m just quoting you on the stupid thing. You said so yourself in some interview.
“Well I wasn’t thinking then.” Nick said.
Writer: And that means you’re kinda stupid right?
PigDiddy scratched his head. “Yo, watchu lookin’ at? You talkin’ wit trees man? Yo I think your friend here is crazy dawg!”
“It’s not the trees, it’s the damn writer!” Kevin huffed. “Speaking of which, I’m sure it’s all nice to have your little conversation with the blonde one, I’m sure he’s your favorite and all-”
Writer: You are my second favorite though.
“That’s nice to know,” Kevin replied sarcastically. “But we are in the middle of a…chapter, here, and you’re not going anywhere with it.”
Writer: God Kevin, you can be SO uptight sometimes. Fine, let me go back and see where I left this story at.
While AJ and Nick were arguing, PigDiddy did a shout out to his brother to let him know where he was. Before long, the boys found another walking, talking pig coming towards them.
Now this pig, despite being as blonde as PigDiddy, wasn’t wearing overalls. He was wearing a basketball jersey complete with a visor on his head and the hugest grin ever.
“Dude, you got some humans wit you Diddiyo!”
PigDiddy went over and rested his arm on the pig’s shoulder. “Everyone, dis my goofball bro, PigDaddy.”
Kevin bent sideways a little and whispered to AJ, “You know the next one will be PigDuddy right?”
AJ nodded. “And I fear that Duddy will sound like me.”
“Good thing there’re only 3 of them.” Kevin smiled.
“Yeah, writer, can you please bring back the angry duck and that bear?”
Writer: Don’t worry AJ, all in good time.
Meanwhile, Brian was introducing himself to PigDaddy…
“Hi I’m Brian, I’m a daddy myself.” Brian heard AJ and Nick burst out laughing at the back but ignored them.
“Good to see ya dawg,” PigDaddy said. “watchu guys doin’ her?”
Brian quickly waved his hands in the air and shook his head. “Oh no, we’re not doing any girl. I’m married.”
This time, it got a laugh out of Howie.
“Shame on you Brian, even Howie knows what that means.” Kevin said.
“What?” Brian asked.
“He said ‘here’, just in that…slang.” Nick explained.
“Like, hot in heerre? You know that Nelly song?” AJ explained.
Howie was still laughing.
“Fine!” Brian pouted. “And to answer your question PigDaddy, we have no idea. I supposed the writer is giving us another genre but I still have no idea if there’s any plot so far.”
“Maybe she’s still thinking of one.” Kevin said. “I wouldn’t be surprised.”
Writer: Or maybe you’re just too damn slow. There’re 3 pigs, 2 are talking and picking up wood to make a house, where do you think I’m going with this?
“I hope not the slaughter house.” Nick said. “That would be mean.”
Writer: Anyone else besides the blonde want to make a smart guess?
Howie raised his hand. “I’d go for a fairy tale and the whole 3 little pigs, but this one is just stupid.”
Somewhere out there in the woods, a hungry bear started to growl. It was so loud that everyone could hear them. If one would listen really carefully, the bear was actually growling HHHOOOOWWWIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
“Okay okay, I’m SORRY! It wasn’t stupid okay?”
Writer: Good, cause it IS a fairy tale, only with a twist.
“How come you didn’t go for the obvious ones, like Cinderella?” Nick asked.
Writer: Because I’m tired of writing female characters that you will fall in love with Nick.
Nick’s lips started to quiver. “I miss Nicole.”
Kevin shook his head and turned back to look at the two pigs. He noticed that PigDaddy had a huge bling hanging around his neck. It was diamond studded and with the letters P and D on it.
“Wait, time out.”
Writer: You love those time outs don’t you?
Writer: Okay make it quick, you’re disrupting my flow here and I’m in danger of missing my deadline!
“Wow you have deadlines?”
Writer: Why yes Brian, I do. I cannot run on Backstreet Time you know.
“Can I have my time out now?” Kevin whined. “I did NOT whine.”
Writer: You just did. So, what’s your time out about? You have 10 seconds.
“Okay see, I find this stupid. How can a pig afford diamond studded blings around his neck, and is picking up sticks to build a damn house? You’re not really good at writing are you?”
Writer: Great, 10 seconds is up.
While the boys plus the two pigs were still explaining to each other why they were there, they heard another voice yelling from a distance.
“Holy mother fuckin’ shit where the fuckin’ fuck did you two go to! Diddy! Daddy! Where the fuck are you, you mother fuckahs!”
Brian, who was at first so alarmed, stopped in his tracks and shook his head. “Oh wow…whoever is out there…he’s um…very…colorful.”
“Shouldn’t this chapter be PG13?” Howie asked.
Writer: Howie, please don’t pull a Kevin and interrupt me.
“That’s our brother dawg, PigDuddy.” PigDaddy said.
AJ shook his head. “Nothing can surprise me anymore.”
Writer: I bet you’re wrong.
So walk in PigDuddy, in black shirt and a pair of jeans that is torn in many places. He also had eyeliner under his eyes and tattoos all over his arms. Unlike PigDiddy and PigDaddy, PigDuddy is the Goth of the family.
“Okay, wasn’t expecting that.” AJ said.
“Get yo ass here FOO!” PigDiddy yelled at PigDuddy.
“Yeah dawg, watchu yellin’ fo’ man? You gotta get it crunk man!” PigDaddy said.
“I never knew what crunk means.” Howie said.
Writer: Me neither, I’m not ghetto. Now can you please not interrupt!
“What’s rawkin’ humans!” PigDuddy yelled in his rockish voice.
“Not much.” Brian smiled ever the friendly one. “We’re still waiting on some kind of a plot.”
“I thought you can read minds...you should know what's going to happen next." Howie said.
"It's kinda limited. Writers are beyond my boundary." Brian explained. Howie nodded as if it made sense when it didn't.
"So..." PigDuddy started as he took out a pack of cigarettes. AJ looked on, salivating. Nick was close behind him. "We juz stand here and wait for a fuckin' plot?"
"It's so fawkin' hawt dawg...we should go somewhere and chill." PigDiddy pointed out.
Kevin immediately interrupted. "Wait! We can't go anywhere...what if the writer can't find us? She needs to finish off this stupid chapter so we can find another door and move on!"
"Can I have a stick?" AJ asked PigDuddy.
"You smoke dude?" PigDuddy asked. AJ nodded. "You're so cool!"
Brian shook his head. Kevin was utterly disgusted. Howie was checking out the tree that the other guys had came out from. He was still very unhappy that he had to drop from the sky alone.
"Can I have one too?" Nick asked.
"Nicky you really shouldn't." Brian said.
"Aww why not?"
"Haven't you noticed something bro? You're always the one that the writer loves to hurt. I can only imagine what a cig will do to you in this forest." Brian explained.
"You could start a forest fire and ruin Mother Nature." Kevin pointed.
Nick pouted. "I was thinking if I lit a stick, it'll scare the mosquitoes away, they seem to be everywhere and I'm already itching!"
There was silence for about five seconds before Brian shrugged. "Can I have one as well?"
"Yeah me too." Howie said.
While they were busy passing out cigarettes, Kevin noticed a small person walking towards them. It looked like a little girl, but it was difficult to tell behind her red cloak.
"Hey, you pigs know who that is?" Kevin asked as he pointed to the figure.
PigDaddy nodded happily. "Oh she our homie dawg. She's so phat yo! She mah girl that red riding hood!"
"Red Riding...oh!" Kevin caught himself.
"Yo Riding Hood, wassup shortie?"
Red Riding Hood skipped along towards them and waved to everyone. "Hi my favorite piglets! I see you have company!"
"Yeah, dis my friends! Brian, Howie, Nick, AJ and that hot ass right there is Kevin."
Nick looked at Brian and mouthed out 'hot ass' before they both cringed.
"How do you do boys!" Red Riding Hood greeted them.
"We're good, thanks!" Brian cheered. "So where are you heading to Red Riding Hood?"
"Duh Brian, even I know how this fairy tale goes." AJ pointed out. "You're on your way to meet Grandma aren't you?"
"Why yes! She's sick and I must hurry with her lunch! Catch you guys later!"
They waved as she skipped along.
"Nice kid." Kevin said.
"She da bomb!" PigDiddy said.
"Rawkin' ma sack!" PigDuddy yelled.
"DUDDY!" PigDiddy and PigDaddy exclaimed. "Dat's not cool yo!"
While the pigs were busy arguing about their ethical issues, AJ suddenly turned alarmed.
"Guys...if there's Red Riding Hood, then there should be a wolf on his way here!"
"A what!" Nick yelled.
"Yeah...like in the story!" Brian gasped.
"Calm down," Kevin said. "This writer always has twists; I bet there's no wolf in this one."
And then, there came a wolf.
"Kevin you suck!" Brian cried.
"So much for a twist." Kevin mumbled.
The wolf looked like any other wolf, except that he was wearing a black sweater with a hood, black jeans that had a long chain on it. He had a spiky belt and necklace.
"Are you going to eat us?" Nick asked. "Cause if you do, you might want to go for Howie, he's Puerto Rican Irish, very yummy."
"Gee thanks Nick." Howie grumbled.
"No problem D!" Nick smiled.
"Humans are yuckky." The wolf said cooly.
"Yuckky?" AJ made a face. "Who says yuckky anymore?"
"I do," the wolf said. "I just said it didn't I? You got a hearing problem baldy?"
"Brian!" AJ yelled as he made Brian hold on to him. "Hold me back now or I swear I'll go slaughter this wolf!"
Brian looked at AJ who kept shoving his arm at him and decided to take it. "Okay...I'm holding you back...I think."
"Good, cause I can really do a number on this asshole!"
"Right." Brian snickered as he felt AJ kept shoving his arm at him, wanting him to hold him back.
The wolf ignored AJ and looked at the three pigs. "Where the fuck is your house porky!"
"It's still not built yet!" PigDaddy explained.
"But you three fucks promised me a fucking house with jacuzzi and all that shit! I told my guys the party's on tonight dude!"
Nick went near Kevin and whispered, "I don't think this fairy tale is for kids Kevin."
"Yeah...and the wolf is friends with them? What the heck!"
"But it does look like you Kevin." Nick pointed out.
"What? Like ME?"
"Yeah, look at those eyebrows! A baby elephant can get lost in there!" Nick exclaimed.
"Stupid bitch, she made the wolf looks like ME?" Kevin growled.
"Kevin, you're cussing...like him." Nick said.
Meanwhile, back with the pigs....
"Aight man, it better be done by tonight aight? I gotta go catch up with Riding Hood now." The wolf said as they did their secret handshake.
Once the wolf left, Howie was left puzzled with the things that had just transpired. The writer lied when she said she had a twist, she had tons of them and none were making any sense.
"So...the wolf is your friend?" Kevin asked.
"Yeah." PigDuddy nodded. "You sayin' he shouldn't be? What, you're pickin' out our fuckin' friends now?"
Kevin backed away. "No no...all's cool...yo."
Brian shook his head. "No! This is wrong. That wolf is BAD news!"
PigDuddy glared at Brian. "Listen here you mutha*bleep*! You got no right tellin' us dat you human!"
"Wow...she's censoring them now? Too late for that don't you think?" Howie said to Nick.
Writer: My boss passed by, so I have to write nice. He was already asking who PigDiddy was earlier today.
"Oh, okay." Howie nodded. "Careful now, you might get caught at work."
Writer: I will thanks!
"You have to believe Brian, he can read minds!" AJ pointed out.
"Says who!" PigDuddy yelled.
"Says the writer." Kevin said. "She said it earlier when you weren't here."
"I don't believe it!" PigDuddy said.
"They're telling the truth, Brian can read minds and that wolf is bad news!" Hootie the owl said from a branch of a tree.
"Hootie the owl?" AJ cried. "Who the fuck is Hootie?"
"Whoa! Hootchie? What? Where? Where?" Nick asked excitedly, already looking behind a tree.
"Not hootchie you horny person, hootie!" AJ said.
"Oh," Nick said, rather disappointed. "Hey, he looks like you Howard!"
"Shut up Nickolas!" Howie grumbled. Hootie the owl has big brown eyes and a flock of curly...hair....on his head. Hootie the owl also...winks.
"Hey Hootie, how do you know Brian isn't lying?" Nick asked.
"Cause I'm an owl, I'm supposed to be wise, dumbass."
This time, it was Howie who was laughing.
"Well then," PigDuddy said, brushing Brian's shoulders. "Do tell me why the wolf is bad news for us."
"Well see, he's pretending to be your friends, but all he wants is to wait for you to build that house and he'll huff and he'll puff, and he'll blow your house down! And then...he'll EAT all of you! He'll have you in bacon PigDiddy, and BBQ for Daddy and roasted for Duddy."
"Wow...I thank the Lord fo' yo' gift! It's the shit!" PigDiddy said.
Writer: You can thank me, actually, but whatever.
"Well, I guess there is a plot afterall." Kevin said.
"Yeah...I think we saved a fairy tale." Howie agreed.
"I wonder what happened to Red Riding Hood and her grandmother though." AJ pondered.
"We gotta get goin', we gotta boil some water and cook da wolf before he got us yo." PigDiddy said.
"Yeah...and I guess we have another door to open." AJ said.
"I'm gonna miss my mind reading ability though." Brian said as they opened the door in the same tree they came from.
"She better not drop me from the sky again on the next one." Howie whined.
"She better get her act together and write a damn logicical fanfic!" Kevin huffed.
While the pigs left and the guys were going through the tree door, Nick waited in line and picked a large stone and aimed it high up the tree. It hit Hootie the owl right between the eye and it fell on the ground with a huge thud and a rather loud 'ow!'
"That's for calling me a dumbass!"
LOL! I love this chapter :O) I'll be back next week with my medical drama chapter because we all know every good BSB story has at least one medical crisis :OP