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Chapter Nine

Howie looked at Stacie from across the room, swallowing. She was glowing, her creamy complexion flawless. She was absolutely gorgeous. So as the rest of the group spoke, Howie sat and stared, wondering if it was true what AJ had said. Was it actually possible that this perfect woman sitting before him was interested in him? It was safe to say that Howie was unsure of what to think of this situation. Was AJ just telling him that to humor him, trying to get a good laugh at his friends expense when he made an idiot of himself? Or was it true? Truly at loss over what to do, Howie just glanced at the angel before him occasionally,

The way he saw it, Howie knew he had two options. He could take the first, and ask Stacie out, risking everything...putting his heart, soul and ego on the line. If she said yes to his proposal, it would potentially make him the happiest man ever. He already knew that they would have a great connection if given the chance. A real chance. A fair chance. After all, wasn’t that all anybody deserved. She could turn him down though, ripping out his heart and stomping all over it, shattering him in to a million pieces. In result, he’s become depressed and feel worthless...unworthy of anybodies love and affection. It could destroy his soul, sending him in to a shell that he may never want to come out of again for fear of the rejection. It was a gamble if he chose to ask her out, letting fate take its corse.

He also had the option though of taking the safer route, not asking her for a date. That way, there was no way he could be humiliated. There was no way he could be hurt. The only problem with that was, he would always wonder what would have been. He would always look at her and wonder what it would be like to hug her, kiss her, hold her, wondering if he would have ever had a shot at having Stacie, this amazing, perfect woman. His heart would continue to hammer in his chest every time she was near or her name was mentioned. The smell of her light perfume would make his skin tingle, wanting to nuzzle her neck, taking in deep, heavenly whiffs of her skin, her hair. At not asking, he was risking not having something special with Stacie that had been meant to be all along, but could also be sparing himself something much worse than the rejection he was conjuring up in his head.

Either way, he was screwed.

Either way could turn into a losing situation. In the minuscule chance that he had of Stacie actually accepting, he would be ecstatic. His life would be pure bliss. But what were the chances? He honestly didn’t think that his were that great. He was after all known as Howie Dorough, man who’d lost his mind. Wasn’t that all everybody saw him as, walking on pins and needles around him. Was that all anybody would ever see him to be?

“Howie, meeting is over...you coming?”

Howie distracted himself from his thoughts, looking up to see Kevin standing above him, his eyes patient. The others had sense left, other than Stacie. She was at the end of the table, writing things down in a notebook. He gulped, looking back up at Kevin. Did Kevin think he was psychotic? Especially for blanking out in a meeting about what would be happening in a few days. At least Kevin wasn’t scolding him. For once, he wasn’t being yelled at for his blanking or not paying attention.

“Um, yes...just give me a minute.”

Kevin nodded, patting Howie on the back before leaving the room. After that, everything was left in silence. Silence that was driving him insane. He swallowed hard, his forehead breaking out in to a cool sweat. His hands were clammy as he tried to regulate his breathing, which was out of rhythm. By how nervous he was, Howie knew he’d made up his mind with what he was going to do.

Standing up, he took in a deep breath, willing himself to move. He slowly walked up to Stacie, approaching her with caution. He just stood above her for a moment, trying to find his voice to speak. Once he did, he winced at how shaky it was.

“Hi Stacie.”

Stacie looked up at him and smiled brightly. The beautiful, breath-taking smile that Howie had noticed right off. He could live every day of his life seeing her like that and it would never get old. Not for a moment.

“Howie, hi.” she replied, closing the notebook. She smoothed out the cover, placing her hands gingerly on top, “How are you? Is everything alright?”

Howie swallowed the dryness in his throat away as he nodded, “Yes, everything is good,” he stated, “I um...I’m good.”

‘I’m glad to hear that.” Staice nodded in approval, wondering what had brought this on. He’d skipped his second session with her and it was his first time talking to her since the kissing incident.

“Yeah,” Howie took in a deep breath, shifting from foot to foot. He decided he might as well get it over with and ask her, “I was um...I was wondering if you would like to ah...maybe go out sometime.”

At that moment, the world stopped as Howie waited for Stacie’s answer. Her smile fell slightly and she paused. Paused too long for Howie’s liking. He winced, already feeling his heart burst in to flames of hurt and rejection. He could feel himself start to close up, wishing he’d just kept his feelings inward. Now they were out in the open, on the table, and he had made an ass of himself. Could he not do anything right. Even as he thought this though, he couldn’t force himself to move. He just stood there in shock at what he’d done, wishing that he hadn’t. And then she began to speak.

“Technically, because of my position, I shouldn’t...”

“I understand,” Howie was quick to interject so that he didn’t have to hear the words that would pierce bigger daggers in to his heart, producing deeper wounds, “I was foolish to ask. I’m sorry. I feel stupid. I lost my mind...forget I said anything I...”

“But I do like you, and I’m sure something can be worked out so that we can go out and possibly date.”

“I’m a freak...I’m a loser...I just hope that...” Howie stopped then, realizing what Stacie had said. He shook his head, looking at her, his head tilted to one side in bewilderment. Had he heard her correctly, “What did you say?”

Stacie laughed softly, “I said I’d love to go on a date with you.”

It took a minute for Howie to process this, but once he did, he broke out in to a huge grin. The small percent chance he’d thought that he had turned out to be a good chance for him.

“Wow....great.” Howie flustered, “I...thank you.” He bent down and hugged Stacie whom was sitting in her seat. All he had to do was figure out the perfect first date for her so that she’d want to come back for more. For once, something in his life was going right. He just hoped that here on out, things would continue to go upward for him.

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“Would you look at that line?” Howie whistled, shaking his head as he and the other Boys entered the room and took seats at a table in the middle of the lobby at the Virgin MegaStore in New York City.

The large glass doors were still closed off and locked for the set up, but at any moment, they would be opened, the line of girls swarming inside to meet their idols for the album signing. As it was, they were growing apprehensive with excitement, a few up front pressing against the glass. Nick had glanced outside of a side window minutes prior and the line had been going until one could see no more and beyond. But that was to be expected, for it was the day that the new album was being released. Their fears were being subsided about how successful the whole thing would be. It was easy to see that not much had changed.

“Hey, Nick...try to refrain from putting women’s undergarments on your head this time, okay?” AJ smirked, nudging Nick as the doors were opened by half a dozen security guards, filing the girls into the store in an orderly fashion.

“Very funny,” Nick shook his head, smiling at the first girl to walk up to them, “How are you today?”

“Good,” she replied shyly, “Could you please sign this for me?” she handed Nick an album, one of their older ones.

Nick nodded as he took it from her hands, scribbling his signature across the top, passing it down the line, taking on the next girl. Almost all of them, he noticed, picked up a copy of the new album at the end of the line. It made him wonder how things were going everywhere else around the world, for they were only going to be in NYC for the promotional signing. That alone was probably drawing in a larger crowd, possibly.

“I’m so glad to meet you,” a girl in her late teens gushed, breaking Nick from his thoughts, “I’m your biggest fan.”

Nick chuckled. He had heard that a million times before, “Is that so?” the girl nodded her head vigorously, “Well thank you. Are you going to catch us on tour?”

“Of course!” she breathed, “I’ve waited like, two years for this. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

Nick laughed, “We’ll, thanks for coming out. See you on tour.”

The girl just smiled widely as she moved on down the line. Nick shook his head, remembering the last time they’d done a signing. It was back before Howie had been figured out. He had gotten his pictures in the tabloids for sticking a bra on his head, being accused of cross dressing. Absurd, he knew, but looking back on it, he had kind of asked for it. He could see it as if it were just yesterday, yet it seemed so far away at the same time. Boy, how much things had changed. It seemed like the group had grown closer, but sometimes he sensed a little more tension. Nick wondered if the others felt it too, or if it were just him.

He looked down the line at Howie, whom was smiling and laughing with a fan in front of him. His friend seemed a lot happier and more upbeat within the most recent days. That was something he was sure that everybody had noticed, for it was hard not to notice the drastic change. It was like a breath of fresh air, knowing that their recently depressed friend was happy and upbeat. His positivity about life wasn’t being forced or faked. It was coming from his heart, and it made Nick wonder what had caused it to happen. Not that it was a bad thing. His worries were finally subsiding.

He watched the others, each smiling and having a good time with the fans, occasionally exchanging a few words with each other. Nick smiled, happy that it seemed just as it had so many years ago. They kept their bond close, keeping it growing stronger and stronger with each day that passed. They were best friends, brothers for life. They had their arguments, but nothing that would tear them apart for good. Nothing would. That much was safe to say.

The line continued, each girl just as excited as the next. He as well as the four, took on each one with enthusiasm and happiness, grateful for those whom were still there and supporting them. This was just one more step in the process that they were taking in getting ready for the launch of the tour. That day was getting closer and closer. It appeared that they were all ready, but were they?

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He looked down at a plate full of food, his stomach growling once more. With a grim expression on his face, he picked up a fork, poking at the potato, even taking a small bit on the fork, before setting it back down. He refused to eat. He had to stop eating again completely. Bulimia wasn’t working for him. Not quick enough, plus the acid from the vomiting was starting to ruin his voice. It was becoming scratchy and raw feeling all the time. He just couldn’t have that happening. His voice was all that he felt he even had left. His looks were faltering and he felt as if he had lost control of everything else, therefore, performing and his voice were all that he had. They were all he had to keep him going. Even his dancing was becoming lazy in the movements. He didn’t know what was happening, but he knew that he had to fight against it. Fight with everything in him.

Picking up the plate, he went over to the sink of his hotel suite, scraping it down in to the garbage disposal. If it wasn’t in his line of vision, then he couldn’t lose his willpower and cheat. The scents of the meal would waver around the room, the aroma filtering his nostrils, sending pangs of hunger through his stomach. It wouldn’t be there to eat though. That’s all that mattered. Anorexia had worked better for him anyways, and since the tour was nearing, he knew that he could just blame loss of appetite on nerves in the event that he was with the others. Most of the time though, he wouldn’t be. He’d be able to sneak out on his own and do things his way. His secret way.

Sighing, he wondered what was going to come of this tour. He wondered if he were going to be looked past because of the beat he’d become. With that thought in mind, he ventured in to the small gym in his suite, stepping on to a treadmill. He turned it on, raising the speed so that he’d be running at ten miles per hour, his legs picking up pace with each press of a button. He then inclined it so that the strain was slightly more intensified.

After five minutes, he was already breathing hard, knowing that his being worn out already definitely wasn’t a good sign. He forced himself to keep going though, his head starting to grow heavy with dizziness. Sweat poured from his entire body, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t be weak. He just ran and ran and ran for ten long, excruciating miles. With every tick of the timer, he thought of all the good he was doing his body, burning off fat and calories that were much needed to be shed.

It took him just about an hour to run the ten miles and once he did, he immediately shut off the treadmill without cooling down. His breathing was heavy as he stepped on to the side rails, his hands clutching the safety bars. He lowered his head, gulping in air as he tried to breath, finding it difficult. His chest felt as if it were closing in on him, aching with an intense pain he’d never felt before, aches shooting up and down his sides. His body felt stiff, and as he looked up, stepping off of the treadmill, he stumbled, falling to the ground even, the fall completely out of his control.

Unable to get up, he just panted for air, tears of frustration forming in his eyes as he let out a pitiful sob in the loneliness of his suite. His life had become one huge joke, and now he was paying for it. He was seeing that unless he did something drastic, his goal would not be reached by the start of the tour in just a short amount of time. Tears continued to fall from his eyes as he clutched his side in agony, wishing that it would just go away. He’d do anything to make it go away. Anything at all..