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Chapter Ten

“I swear, things couldn’t be better,” Brian smiled as he shot a basketball in to the hoop, it swooshing through the net with ease, “Beat that, Carter!” he exclaimed, retrieving the ball and passing it off to Nick.

“No, they couldn’t. One week left, we have some promotional TV shows to appear on, and then we’re off to see the world...again.” Nick grinned, shooting the ball towards the basket. It hit the backboard, bouncing off on to the ground, ‘Aw man, I was jipped!”

“How can you be jipped when you ain’t got the skill?” Brian teased.

Nick scowled, going over to the sidelines and sitting on a pair of bleachers next to Kevin, AJ and Howie. He wiped some sweat off of his forehead, letting out a huff of air. He was tired from the game, no doubt about it. Brian was always tough competition. It was always more fun playing against Kevin or Howie...AJ even. They were always easy targets, because they made him look like a pro. He grinned evilly at the thought, wiping it off of his face immediately when Kevin gave him ‘the look’. That’s when he noticed it, causing a small giggle to escape from his lips.

‘Think we should pour the pitcher of ice water on Howie?”

This caused the others to focus their attention on their Latin friend, whom was staring off in to space, a goofy grin on his face. Kevin raised an eyebrow while AJ snickered, shaking his head. It was obvious that he was love-struck. Leave it to Howie to fall this hard. The man was oblivious to all around him. That much was clear. A tornado could have ripped by right before his eyes, and he wouldn’t have noticed a thing.

“Reflex test!” Brian shouted, throwing the ball at Howie. It hit him in the shoulder lightly, bouncing off of him. All Howie did was look up, dazed and confused.

“Huh?”

“Man, what is with you.” Nick cracked, “You’re like, going all retarded on us or something. Did you sniff too much of your hair chemicals this morning?”

Howie barely responded, just shrugging, the smile coming back.

“He’s acting like a girl or something.” AJ commented, “If I ever do that, please kill me.” he teased.

“At least he is happy again.” Kevin defended the slightly younger man, “He’s been like this for a couple of weeks now and I honestly can say that I am not worrying about him at all. It’s a relief.”

The others took this in to consideration. It was true. Howie being happy again took a lot of stress and worrying out of all of their lives. They owed it all to Stacie. Howie hadn’t really come right out and said anything about it, however AJ had clued them in. Especially when questions were asked on why Stacie had resigned herself as his therapist, but was still hanging around. At first, they hadn’t known what to think of the situation. They’d soon come to realize that Stacie being in Howie’s life in a romantic way was a good thing, and they were grateful for her.

‘Anyways, since Latin Loverboy over there obviously isn’t going to come back to earth any time soon...” Brian laughed, “What does everyone think about next week? Are we all ready, or do we need to practice extra?”

“I vouch for practicing extra,” Kevin was quick to cut in, “We can never be too ready. It will be on our own time, however as I said...we can knead through a few small glitches and come out stronger.”

“I’ll agree there, I suppose,” AJ spoke up, “I think we near have it all nailed, but a little bit extra couldn’t hurt...” he put emphasis on the world ‘little’

“We’ve got our set all up...song order, dances down, outfits picked out...” Kevin stated, “I think we’re just about ready. Management had done wonders in promoting us back up. The rest is left up to fate, I suppose.”

The others nodded, hearts beating in anticipated excitement at the thought of it all. Their success was indeed in the hands of fate. That much was clear. They hoped that fate was kind to them, but whatever was delivered, they would accept. In nine days, they’d be on the road again. All seemed to be ready, but not everything was what it seemed. They’d already learned that once, but were oblivious to the fact that it very well could be happening again.

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June 12th, 2006

Well, we have four days before the tour takes off. I couldn’t be more excited. I honestly can say that I cannot wait to get back out there and perform in front of all of those fans. Weeks ago, had I been asked if I was looking forward to this, I would have said with honesty that I wasn’t sure. I was still having my doubts and was confused about a lot of things. All that has changed though. All of it has changed because of Stacie...

Stacie has helped me see the good in everything. She’s helped me along the way in my mental recovering and is now helping me by showing me an affection that I’d only dreamed of feeling again. God, how great it is. Our relationship is strong and healthy. She is incredible. Things keep getting better and better. I never thought having a special someone to share your life with could make such a difference, but it has. More than anybody will ever know. And since we’ve been dating, I haven’t had the urge to cut but only once...which was in the first few days. I mean, sure, I think about my past with it, but I never wish I could do it or want to do it again. I just shake my head, wondering what I had been thinking. The answer is right there in front of me though, crystal clear...I hadn’t been thinking. It is simple as that.

I’ve got a new counselor now. Stacie thinks it would be for the best since we are dating now and ‘morally correct’ so to say. I guess I agree with her there. The new person is a man in his thirties. He’s nice, and I guess easy to talk to. Stacie was special though. She was easy to talk to only until I let my feelings get ahead of myself...and look where it got me? *laughs* Right where I wanted to be all along.

I think that the guys notice the significant change in me too. I mean, they’ve quit harassing me over how I am doing and feeling and what is going on with me, etc, etc. They can see it in my change of attitude, feeling no need to ask questions. Thank God for that. I mean, I knew that they cared all along, but it was something I had to recover from on my own. Their constant hoovering over me was only making things worse. Now though...I honestly don’t think I’ve been this happy since BSB was signed on as a group to a label, so many years ago.

I know that all things happen for a reason...I just wonder what my past with cutting was. Maybe it was to lead me to Stacie...or possibly another path to cross, making my bond stronger with the Boys in the end. I guess I’ll never know for sure. All that matters is that I am here, and everybody is healthy and good. Which leads me back to the tour taking off. It will be a new adventure for all of us. There’s a lot of hype about us being back. Some of it is amazing, some of it negative. People who were once die-hard fans are now bashing us, saying that we are ‘so yesterday’. That can’t bring us down though, because the ones that stuck by...that is who we are doing this for. For ourselves, the true fans, and nobody else. All I can say is that it is going to be great!
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The tour was taking off that next day and he couldn’t be more nervous. He was jittery, heart pounding in his chest, breaking out in to a cold sweat nervous. And he was itching to exercise. They’d been advised to take the night off from working out and practicing dancing so that they were fresh for the next day and well rested. Man, how he wanted to go against that. He couldn’t though. Not with the others right there in his suite. What they were doing there, he didn’t know exactly. Maybe just to hang out and relax before the big day?

He sighed, eyeing them, trying to at least look like he was paying attention to what was happening. He wasn’t though. His mind was wondering in to his own world. His own world on how he was ten pounds short of his goal. On how he would do anything to run another twelve miles on the treadmill, but couldn’t. He knew that certain group members would get on him for disobeying orders, forcing him to just sit still and chill out. Oh, that, and the fact that if he ran until his body couldn’t take any more, they would become suspicious of him being an exercise addict. It was partly true, he would admit. But all of the strenuous work was for a good cause. Something that would benefit the group. Something that would make the entire group image look better.

He caught a glimpse of himself in one of the full length mirrors across the wall. Shuddering in disgust, he turned away. He really didn’t look that different than from many months ago. If the scale said that he was losing, then where was the weight going. He wished that he knew, but it certainly wasn’t disappearing off of him.

He laughed when he heard the others doing the same at a joke one had told, acting like he was paying attention. The laugh was forced though and only half-hearted. He really couldn’t have cared less what they were talking about. He wished that they would leave the room. He could predict exactly what would happen though. They would talk and talk and talk, then want to turn on a movie. Half of them would fall asleep right there on the couch, on the floor...wherever they decided to fall asleep at. Then one would go back to his own suite, deciding that the night would officially be over. The remaining one would sit up awhile longer, watching TV, wanting to carry on conversation with him until earlier hours of the morning. He would do so, just so he would be acting like he always had. This time though, he would be silently willing the last man away, wanting to drag the two sleeping out of his room, booting them to the hallway.

Years ago, he wouldn’t have minded all of that. It was routine. He would have expected it and found it odd of things hadn’t gone in such a way. The night would have been fun and entertaining, all of them staying up and enjoying their last night off of the stage, forcing themselves to stay awake way past what they should have. Touring would start, and each night would be exciting and fun, but the night off would bring them relief and relaxation, the only worries on their mind being how things would go.

It seemed so long ago since he’d actually cared. Now, he could honestly say that he just didn’t He would go along with the movements, but nothing he would actually remember within a few hours. All would be forgotten, all because he hadn’t cared enough to pay attention in the first place. All he cared about was the group and becoming thin again...and it scared him to admit to himself that now, he was questioning his motives about the group. Maybe he just wasn’t meant to stay a performer. Maybe his gross appearance was a sign that he was supposed to do something else now for the remainder of his life.

He looked around the room and saw one curled up on the floor, pillow under his head. His eyes were closed. Asleep. Just as he had predicted. He rolled his eyes. His hope that everyone would just go to their own suite for once that night had already been shot at the early hour of midnight. Now he couldn’t run and burn off more of his ‘fat’. Now, he’d have to sleep, feeling nothing but a heavy stomach, that would all be in his mind. God, how he hated himself, just wishing he could turn back time and prevent all of this before it even started. He couldn’t though, and he was stuck living in the flesh of the monster he’d become.