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Epilogue

He sat in his bed at the hospital alone, wondering where things had gone wrong in his life. The events from the past few hours were foggy and he didn’t quite remember what had happened. All he remembered was performing, like any other night from years ago. It had been the first show of the tour and he’d felt dizzy and exhausted, his body feeling like a deadweight, for he could hardly keep up with the others, his body refusing to move to the beat of the music in the swift maneuvers which he knew by heart and had practiced day and night. By the fifth song, he had started to see double and he had grown dizzy. Really dizzy and then...


Had he collapsed? Fainted? He couldn’t remember anything after that, for the whole world had grown black. It then hit him that from lack of food in his body, fate had finally taken its course. He had pushed himself to the limits and lack of fuel to keep his body going had caught up with hin, and at the worst possible time. He really didn’t see it that way though, as realistic as he knew it was. He refused to let himself see the truth entirely. He saw it as that he hadn’t prepared himself enough for the tour and being in the spotlight again. He had failed the group. He had failed the fans. He had failed himself.

Turning his head weakly to the side, he noticed that there was an IV going in to him. A couple, at that. There was a machine monitoring his heart and blood pressure. He looked past that though. His eyes were on the one which he knew was feeding him, injecting him with liquid food. He let out a ragged breath, wanting to tear it out of his arm so that he was not being accessed to the wretched stuff. Too weak to move though, he sighed, slowly turning his head back to look to the other side of him. For the first time, he noticed a few cards and a vase several vases of flowers. There were some balloons and stuffed animals. He guessed that they were probably from some of the fans whom had tried to get in but had only gotten to leave him with some gifts.

Knowing that he had to have been out for awhile, he wondered just how long. It really didn’t matter. What was done was done. He’d just have to work hard to make sure that this didn’t happen again, hoping that the others hadn’t caught on to anything. That would be a disaster. Just like when they’d found out Howie’s secret. Howie was now being hounded and watched over, his life under a magnefine glass, everything closely inspected. He didn’t want anybody to know. That couldn’t happen. He didn’t want to be watched like a mouse by a hawk zeroing down on its prey.

Groaning, he realized that he was tired. More tired than he’d like to be, but his fall had taken a lot out of him. His body was getting the rest that he needed desperately. The rest that it had been begging for during the last few months and it was being force fed the nourishment that it had craved but his mind had overpowered the hunger pangs in his stomach. All that was on his mind as he drifted in to another sleep was how he would have to work overtime to erase all the damage that was being done to him during his miserable stay where the doctors were only ‘helping’ him.

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“Do you think he’s awake?” a voice came

The voice was followed by a wave of silence as he was slowly awakened from his slumber, coming out of his groggy state. He opened his eyes, squinting at the light pouring through the windows.

“I don’t know.” Another voice came, which was also very familiar to him, “I think he’s still out of it.”

Footsteps were heard as they all shuffled in to the room, getting closer to him. He turned his head and saw his four best friends in the whole world right next to him. He smiled weakly at them, even though it was forced. Everything about him still ached and it hurt to just move the slightest bit. He’d ruined the opening night show by being too weak to dance and sing. He’d let them down, yet here they were, still caring about him

“I’m awake.” he mumbled

He opened his eyes wider, even though it took a great deal of strength and effort, and he saw deep concern in all of their eyes. He saw discomfort and pity. It was then that he knew they’d found out what had caused it. Unsure of if he should feel ashamed or angry, he just shrugged, hoping that his small gesture would say it all.

“You look like shit, Rok.”

Brian could feel tears welling up in his eyes as he felt helplessly pitiful. All of his work and it had done nothing. He’d never felt more disgusted with himself, wishing that he could just die or at least have made a difference in himself.

“I’m that fat, huh?”Brian asked

He got four stares of bewilderment. This confused him, as they were all looking at him as if he were crazy. Was he crazy? He honestly didn’t think so, but then again, he didn’t know anything any longer. He didn’t even know himself anymore. He was just a shell of what the old Brian had been, his emotions and feelings inside of him misplaced with something else entirely.

“Fat? You’re nothing but skin and bones,” his cousin, Kevin spoke, “I don’t know...how didn’t we notice this? Anorexia...” his voice trailed off as he raked a hand through his dark hair, feeling horrible for looking past his little cousins faltering appearance.

“You’re a stick,” AJ brought up, “Damn, you’re thinner than I am.” he looked at his friend, seeing for the first time how he was a walking skeleton, covered by baggy clothing to hide it. His eyes had dark circles clinging to them, having the sunken in appearance. His cheek bones stuck out noticeable and he felt bad for not noticing sooner. Forty-two pounds. How had they not noticed?

The answer was simple. They’d all been so worried about Howie cutting again that they’d ignored everything else. Brian had seized the opportunity when none of them had been looking. And now, yet again, another one was in the hospital. Another one had caused the band to fall, only this time was different...slightly.

“I don’t see it that way.” Brian mumbled in a sulky manner.

“Do you know how serious this could have been?” Kevin asked, his tone loud and hurt, “Brian, you are lucky that your organs didn’t shut down. As it is, your heart is weakened and your blood pressure...” he stopped to take in a deep breath, “You’re lucky that nothing worse happened to you. You could have died.”

All was silent for a long series of moments as nobody knew quite what to say. Their friend had an eating disorder...something that was mostly in correlation with the female gender. A person who’d always lived by the rules and had never done anything rash. This was out of character for Brian. Maybe that’s why they hadn’t noticed. Just like they hadn’t noticed Howie’s cutting issue. The difference was, Howie’s was easier to hide, for he’d acted normal. Brian’s appearance had gone down, but nobody had noticed.

“We’re so sorry...” Howie mentioned, “This could have been prevented.”

Brian shrugged, not really wanting it to have been prevented. He’d wanted all along for his secret to remain hidden. So why did he feel so guilty.

“Can we still tour?”

“Yes, Bri...we can, if you feel up to it. We just have to make sure you stuff your face and get back to health along the way.”

Brian hesitated, knowing that this would come. Along with therapy probably so that his distorted self image could become repaired and he see the ‘real’ Brian in the mirror again. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. Just maybe...

‘Sure, I feel up to it.” Brian smiled faintly.

The others smiled back, knowing that once again, the Backstreet Boys faced and survived yet another group crisis. It seemed that they were always hurdling some sort of obstacles, but always came out again on top, stronger than ever, just like they always had. Just like they always would. To break the bond that they had for life, and the talent that they’d worked to grow upon, it would take more than a few minor glitches.

“Sounds great, but for now, let’s just get through tonight and get back to the hotel.” Kevin sighed, knowing that by morning, Brian would be released.

“Sounds good to me.” Brian agreed, hoping that everything would be okay once his mind cleared. He had a feeling that it would be.