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December 5, 2005

We started back up in the studio today. It’s been a month and a half since Nick was in the hospital, and the doctor finally deemed him well enough to get back out and return to his normal life. He’s almost himself again, which is a relief. Things haven’t been the same since Nicky’s been down. We’ve all missed his naivety and jokes. So this is definitely a good thing. I’m hoping that this is the last of the interruptions. It just seems like lately, something is always going wrong.

How am I doing though? I suppose you could say I’m okay. I think that I am, anyways. I’m just trying to live each day as its own and not worry about past or future dilemmas. Just worrying about the present. I suppose thats all I can do. It’s what everybody should do. It would definitely rid of a lot of the worlds problems if people weren’t always dwelling on the past or stressing about the future. I know millions upon millions are guilty of this. AJ, Bri, Kev and Nick are four of them. I’m still guilty of it somewhat, but I truly am trying to get past this bad habit. After all, isn’t that what got me here in the first place? Isn’t that what started this whole depression thing? What started the cutting? The scary thing, I still get the urge to cut...and even though they get further and further apart as time goes on, I can’t help but wonder if the urge will ever completely go away. Boy, do I hope it does.

Things with the counselor are going okay. Her name is Stacie. She’s rather cute, if I must admit so myself. She’s got these jade colored eyes that I could stare in to for hours upon hours. Her hair is a golden blonde color, spilling over her shoulders in loft, silky curls with a round face and cute button nose. She’s got an average build, toned, slender. She looks great, standing at the perfect height. She’s gorgeous in every way. Every time I see her, my heart-rate speeds up drastically and I break in to a cool sweat. She’s amazing, and is so easy to talk to. If only she wasn’t my counselor, or else I’d ask her out on a date. I’ve learned that we have a lot in common actually. She’d probably be my perfect match, but dating a um...well, I am a client of hers. There has to be some kind of laws against that. Therefore, I’ll have to try to look past my feelings. We have to keep things professional. Go figure...the first woman I like since Maddy, and nothing can be pursued due to it being work related business partners, or something like that. Life just plain sucks.

The guys are finally starting to lay off a little bit. It isn’t much, but anything is better compared to the integration that they were putting me through. I just wish that they would trust me. But hell, I don’t even trust myself really. As I said a little before...I still get urges. But part of them is due in part in them freaking out every time I get sad over something. But at least they quit hassling me for the most part. Every little thing doesn’t make them ask if I am okay. Being smothered only makes things worse. I wish that they would realize that. Maybe it will just take time. After all, we’ve only all been together again for a couple of months other than a few days here and there for visits throughout the rest of the time off.

So I guess that’s about it. I have another session with Stacie tomorrow. I have them twice a week. Just one more day to get through hiding my feelings. Maybe it would be best if I looked for somebody else to help me so that there aren’t any distractions. My only fear is that Stacie hasn’t done anything wrong. She’s the best out there...she might take it too personally. It would have nothing to do with her though. It’s all me...
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“Anybody have any input on when we should start on dance rehearsals?” Kevin asked, and when he got four blank stares, he sighed, “We’ve got a meeting with management to arrange these things in two days. It wouldn’t hurt to have some ideas to compromise with them on it...just a thought.”

“Beings it is December now...” Nick smiled, “A snow storm is always possible. Maybe we’ll get snowed in and won’t have to go. Could we wish for that? Huh?” He got some stifled laughs in response, so a confused Nick just asked, “What?”

“Nick, sweetie,” AJ snickered, “We’re in LA. The chances of it snowing are slim to none. It’s warm weather for us.”

Nick just continued to stare at them in confusion. They’d had one management meeting almost cancelled due to a horrendous snow storm back the last time they’d toured. He didn’t understand what made this time any different, and asked so himself, which just got a few looks of complete bewilderment and a couple of laughs.

“Did your mono affect those already sparse brain cells?” Brian cracked up, and when Nick didn’t reply, he stated, “Dude, you can’t be serious! We were in Maine last time...a place that is known for hundreds of inches a snow in a single winter. In California...snow is rare...completely, utterly rare.”

“Oh...”Nick’s voice trailed off, “I know that.”

‘Sure ya did,” AJ cracked, “Just like you knew that Norway was a place in Sweden.”

“Are you ever going to let that go?” Nick asked with a pout. It was nearly seven years later and he was still catching drift on a comment that had slipped out of his mouth without thinking first. True, he’d been completely serious at the time...

“Nope, because it was just too hilarious to,” AJ grinned evilly.

Nick’s face turned a beat red. It wasn’t known if the cause was due to humiliation or anger. It was assumed due to anger when Nick got up, headed straight towards AJ, looking just about ready to pound him in to the ground. The others watched in amusement, but Kevin knew that an end needed to be put to the fight before it started, just to be safe.

“Hey, guys!” he called out, “Business, remember...we have things to talk over.”

Nick looked over at Kevin, who held all seriousness in his eyes. He turned back to AJ, then back to Kevin, sighing in defeat as he returned to his seat on the floor. He wished he could punch Kevin in the jaw for interrupting, this breaking up things. He was sure he would have had AJ...almost positive...

“So, now that the goofing off is out of our systems,” Kevin begun, “Any opinions on when dance rehearsals should start? We get some say in it his time so that we don’t feel stressed out. We start when we feel ready.”

Howie bowed his head in shame, knowing that he was the reason for it. It was a known fact amongst all of them that if it wasn’t for his situation, they’d be carrying about things the way that they always had. That had worked out before...but now...they had to be cautious. He was a charity case, and he felt guilty for that.

“Um, well, when were we shooting for the tour to start?” Brian asked

Kevin shrugged, “Well, we need to finish recording before we can figure that out. But my guess would be probably a spring tour...start May...early June maybe.”“ He looked around to see the reactions to get an idea of how they felt about that. Everyone seemed to be fine with it, “So shoot for sometime in June at the latest. That’s settled. SO when should we have Fatima contacted to start dance rehearsals? Management wanted to know by the end of this week.”

“I don’t know...I guess we could start that in February. I’d say that should be enough time to get enough recording done so that we can juggle both for about a month, then just dance for the remainder.” Nick suggested, “Sound good to everyone? Howie?”

“I’m fine with that if everyone else is.” Howie spoke up right away, letting it known that he could handle things and didn’t need to be babied.

There was a round of small chattering about how things would work out, talking out the details and times so that there was nothing conflicting. Everything was getting set in to place, each man getting excited that this was actually happening again. None of them were sure if it would or not. Here they were though, the possibilities endless, all of the options likely. In the end though, it was agreed that Nick’s suggestion was a definite way to go about things.

“Okay, then it’s settled,” Kevin stated with one nod of his head, high fiving each of them to seal the deal.

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He sighed as he headed back to his hotel room, his stomach growling in protest from him
denying it food once again at dinner that night. It was something he had to do though. The others had helped him out too by not ordering anything as well when Nick hadn’t had his appetite to order anything himself. The blonde was still working back up an appetite since his most recent illness. One of the others had declined then, and he too had, so nobody would suspect anything when he gave in right away. They’d all just ordered drinks that night. That night had been easy, however he didn’t know if he’d be so lucky next time. In fact, it was very unlikely that he would be. He’d have to figure something else out.

He felt fat and gross, especially after seeing how much weight Nick had lost during his illness. In the four and a half weeks Nick had been down, he’d lost roughly thirty pounds. It had made him jealous and out of nowhere, feelings of inadequacy surfaced, and suddenly, every time he looked in the mirror at himself, he saw excess weight all around. This had nothing to do with wanting to have control over something in his life, as he loved his lifestyle and most of everything he had . He honestly felt he needed to slim down. With the new tour approaching, he wanted to look his best, not like the Rolly Poly Backstreet Boy. Starving himself seemed the only way to go. So far, he’d gone two days without eating. It had been rough, but he had a feeling that after he got past the first few days, it would get easier. The first few days were always the hardest, in any situation for that matter.

As he undressed to change in to his pajamas, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He saw a gut and thunder thighs, trying to suck in a stomach that wasn’t even there to begin with. He sighed in disgust, quickly turning away. He wasn’t able to look at himself any longer, walking away and grabbing his pajamas to slip in to them a quickly as possible to hide his hideous naked form. He wished he could rid of every mirror he would ever come in to contact with so he’d never have to look at himself again, but since that wasn’t possible...

He groaned, feeling as if he had love handles hanging over the edge of his elastic-band pajama pants. He grabbed on to the fat, feeling as if he’d gotten a massive handful, but in reality, nothing was there. It was all in his mind, what he thought saw nothing but a distorted body image, like what one saw in the mirrors in the fun house at the fair.

This had been going on for a couple of weeks now. He hadn’t done anything about it though until the most recent days. Every day for two weeks, he kept thinking that he was looking worse and worse until he’d finally decided to do something about it. And he definitely was, realizing he had the willpower in him to look exactly how he wanted to. He had to do it, before he turned in to something completely hideous. As it was, he felt he was already half way there.