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Chapter Five

Howie smiled and gulped as Stacie entered the room. She looked so cute in a pair of khaki capri pants and a short, cut off top that was a plain pink with a V-neck, showing just enough midriff for imagination. Her honey blonde curls were up in a banana clip with just a few spirals hanging free to frame her delicately beautiful, tanned face. Howie’s heart leapt up in to his throat, wondering what it would be like to hold her in his arms, as she was at a size that would fit perfectly to him.

“Hello, Howie,” she greeted enthusiastically, breaking him from his thoughts as she sat down on a couch across from him. She placed a notebook she’d been carrying on her lap gently, organizing her papers before looking up in to his own eyes, “How are you today?”

“F-fine,” he answered nervously, his voice quavering. He instantly scolded himself, not wanting to come off as a complete moron. He hadn’t seen Stacie since his last session nearly four days ago, “And you?”

“I’m good,” Stacie chuckled, “A little tired...there was a baby in the room right next to mine that kept me up crying all night. I love children though.”

So do I Howie thought to himself And you’re welcome to come to my room any time...he shook his head to think more clearly and logically, but was unable to help these feelings that were developing for this woman. Every time he saw her, they grew even more intense. God, how he wanted somebody to love and for them to love him back. Somebody special. He was ready now, as he was completely over his ex and he saw now that they really hadn’t had so much in common. After talking with Stacie about it, he’d come to realize that he’d been holding on because he had loved her, but hadn’t been in love with her. He had just been too afraid to admit that to himself and let go, but when she’d ended things first, it had seemed like he was losing his everything. It made sense, now that he thought about it. With Stacie though, he could definitely see things being real between them.

“I’m...uh...I am sorry to hear that,” Howie finally stated aloud, “Hopefully tonight will...um...l be better?” he offered a shrug and small smile, wincing inwardly at himself for stuttering like some sort of bimbo.

“Maybe.” Stacie agreed, “But enough about me. How are things with you? Are you feeling too stressed or overwhelmed with everything?”

Howie thought about that for a moment. Was he? Or was everything flowing smoothly, the way it was intended to. He had mixed feelings on the subject. He felt that he was fine and everything was great, and he definitely hated the precautions that everyone was taking around him. But he knew that with one wrong turn, one thing that happened to make him feel submerged, and he could land himself in some unknown and empty place, cutting again. He shuddered at that thought, but it was the reality of the situation. Howie had to face the reality of what could happen.

“I guess things are, uh, fine...” he gulped, looking up at her. God, her eyes were such a gorgeous color. Howie could feel himself blushing, “For now, things are good...I mean...yeah, they’re good.”

Stacie looked at Howie strangely as if she didn’t believe him. This caused him to get a little paranoid, wondering what she was thinking about him. If she thought he was some moron, he would never have a chance with her. Hell, she was his therapist. He would never have a chance with her anyways. She knew things about him that nobody else did. Things that would make any woman run like the wind far, far away. They weren’t bad things, but rather feelings and emotions that most wouldn’t even want to begin to deal with.

“You start dance rehearsals in a few days, don’t you?” she asked, and Howie nodded, “How do you think you’re going to handle that?”

“God...I don’t know,” he laughed nervously, watching Stacie push a strand of hair behind her ear. How he would love to do it for her, and then kiss those perfect, soft lips...Howie snapped out of his trance again, looking for a cover, “Um..yeah, we start in two days. I can’t believe it is February already...” his voice trailed off again, “I think it will be fine. We’re almost done with recording. A, uh...a little ahead of schedule. So, um...we should be done with that in two weeks..I think.”

Howie felt like giving himself a good punch in the face. I think. He winced at how cluelessly moronic he sounded. He sounded like Nick for Gods sake. How could he even speak those words? I think. Damn. Shouldn’t he know? Stacie just made him so nervous and flustered. His brain turned to complete mush whenever he was around her. Absolute goo. Howie knew he’d have to try to cut that out though. For his own good as well as Stacie’s sanity to spare her having to listen to him blubber.

“You know if you feel too over-worked, then all you have to do is say the word and things can slow down.”Stacie reminded him. Howie sighed, “It’s for your own good and safety.” she added with a smile, “We don’t want anything bad to happen to you. It’s only been shortly over a year and a half. You’re still in a danger zone.”

“I know...” Howie’s voice trailed off again. He still got urges, even now. Especially when everybody hassled him. That alone was his biggest stress. Everybody always asking if he was okay and not trusting him. All he wanted was some trust and faith put back in him. Was that so much to ask? “Everything is uh, fine though...really, it is.”

Stacie raised an eyebrow, writing something down in her notebook. Howie bit his lip nervously. Was she saying he was getting better or was she saying that he was borderline psychotic? He couldn’t stand if she thought badly of him. He needed and wanted Stacie to see something special in him. When Stacie looked back up, she gave him a small smile that made his heart melt a little bit more.

“I think that’s good for today,” she stated, which caused Howie to draw back in surprise. He was being let out nearly twenty minutes early, “Same time on Thursday?” Howie nodded, “Okay then...I will see you in three days.”

“O...okay,”Howie replied, “Sounds good.” He stood up reluctantly, looking at Stacie one last time before walking out of the room.

Stacie watched him leave, shaking her head and sighing. The session had definitely been awkward and Howie had been acting strange, hence the reason she’d dismissed him early. She needed some time to think and put together what all of this meant, as for so long he’d been making steady progress each time they met and now this. Howie stuttering and his eyes shifting nervously as if he were hiding something.

‘Excuse me?”

Stacie looked up at the sound of a voice, seeing Kevin standing in the room now. She smiled at him, “Yes? What can I do for you?”

Kevin shrugged, stepping in to the room further, “I’m just wondering how Howie is doing. You know? If you think his mind set is getting better.”

Stacie bit her lip, “Technically, I am unauthorized to share that kind of information with you.” she told him, “I’m sorry.”

Kevin sighed, “Please? We’re all just worried about him and he snaps every time we ask him if he is alright lately. I just want to make sure. We care is all and want to know for sure, from someone who is trained to know how to read these things.”

Stacie wracked her brain for what the right thing to do was. She knew that under law, she wasn’t aloud to share information on patients. But these guys were Howie’s close friends and ‘brothers’. They’d been though so much with the man, and only wanted what was in his best interest for him. It was easy to see that stressing over Howie’s well being was taking a lot out of the other four men.

“If I tell you what I think, you have to promise not to let anybody else know. I could get in to huge trouble for giving out confidential information like this, understand?” she asked firmly, and Kevin nodded, “The past two times, Howie has been acting really strange. He doesn’t make eye contact and he stutters with every sentence he says. I get the impression that he’s lying and might be falling back in to cutting again. I don’t believe he’s started yet, but I think he might be headed down that road. You might want to keep an extra close eye on him.” she informed Kevin, misreading Howie’s strange behavior by a long shot.

Kevin took in a ragged breath, letting it out slowly. He ran his fingers through his dark hair, not knowing how to take this information. He honestly hadn’t been expecting what he’d been told. Lines of stress formed around his emerald eyes, wondering if they should just call everything off now before it was too late. Maybe things were too much for Howie and he was just feeling too guilty to admit it?

“Okay...um, thank you,” Kevin answered, “I’ll make sure to see that he doesn’t start anything again.”

Stacie nodded, picking up her things before standing, “Just for the time being, it might not hurt. I’ll see you later though, okay?” Kevin nodded, “And remember, don’t tell anybody outside of the group.”

“Yeah, right...” Kevin’s voice trailed off as he watched Stacie leave. He then sat down, putting his head in his hands, hoping more than anything that Howie wasn’t cutting again. He didn’t know if he’d be able to handle someone close to him being in danger again, as he’d already had to see each of his ‘brothers’ go through something potentially life threatening. It just couldn’t be happening again.

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“Here we go again!” AJ exclaimed with a wide smile, loving this part of tour preparation. The dance rehearsals were always the most fun. They were always a lot of work, but fun none the less, “This is going to be one kick-ass tour!”

“Ditto on that.” Nick agreed, “I can hardly wait...only a few more months and we’ll be out on the open road, traveling to a new place every night...I missed that.”

It was safe to say that everybody felt the same. If they didn’t, none of them would be there unless they really wanted to be. That was a given, or so they thought it was. Kevin’s mind was on Howie though, Stacie’s words haunting his thoughts. Was their friend in any sort of immediate danger again? Kevin honestly didn’t know how to tell. Watching him, he seemed to be fine, but what was going on within his head? He had seemed fine before, but on the inside, had been suffering immensely. Outer appearances weren’t always what they seemed. To be honest, Kevin never stopped worrying about their friend. He was always scared about the possibility of losing him. They almost had once. Just one minute later, and he wouldn’t have been able to be saved. As it was, he’d barely made it. Kevin shuddered at the memory of it all, glad that AJ had found him on time and had known that to do. He was glad that he hadn’t been the one to walk in on him though...

“You alright?”

Kevin looked up to see Fatima, their choreographer standing in front of him. He realized he must have dazed out, and smiled at her apologetically.

“Yeah, I’m great.” he stated, “About ready to get started?”

“In five minutes or so.” she informed him

Kevin nodded his head, again looking at Howie. He seemed to be having a good time talking with Brian a few feet over, but was he? Kevin sighed. Why did things have to be so complicated? Why couldn’t life just be simple and care free? Kevin perked up when he saw Howie get up and start to walk away. His overprotective, fatherly instincts took over as he felt panic, wondering where the man was going off to.

“Hey, Howie!” Kevin called out. Howie stopped and turned, “Wait up,” Kevin jogged to catch up with him and when he did, they walked side by side, Kevin asking casually, “Where you headed off to? We’re about to start.”

‘The bathroom..” Howie’s voice trailed off, eyeing Kevin as if he had lost his mind.

“Oh...” Kevin answered, feeling like the words biggest loser. But then, wouldn’t the bathroom be the most hidden place to cut if one were going to do so around his friends? “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Um, sure...just let me do my business and...” Howie just looked at Kevin as he entered the mens room.

Kevin figured he should just wait outside for his friend after the look he’d given him, as if he’d been afraid Kevin would go as far as to follow him inside. It was only a minute later that Howie returned. Not nearly enough time for him to cut, was it? Had he caught on to the fact that Kevin was suspicious? Or was Howie truly innocent. There was really only one way to find out for sure.

“So, what did you want to talk to me about?” Howie asked before Kevin had the chance to bring it up on his own.

“Um, how have you been?” Kevin asked lamely, not wanting for Howie to get mad at him.

“Good...”Howie let his voice trail, looking at Kevin, “Why do you ask?”

“Just making sure because we all care and don’t want anything to affect you in any bad way.”

Howie stopped and looked at Kevin, wondering what he was getting at. Then it hit him at once, and it angered him. Nothing had changed. He’d thought that they were all going to give him his space on the subject, but obviously, that wasn’t going to happen. At least, not on Kevin’s part.

“I’m fine, okay?” Howie stated bitterly, “And to answer the question I know you’re dying to ask, no, I am not cutting, but I do think about it sometimes. I haven’t done anything though, and don’t intend to.”

Kevin’s eyes widened in surprise at Howie snapping at him. Howie, of all people. He hadn’t expected it and was at loss for words, feeling guilty for even bringing the subject up. He had to take precautions though, right?

“I’m sorry..” Kevin tried to apologize, “I didn’t mean to—.”

“Just forget it, alright?” Howie asked, waving Kevin off as he entered the studio where everyone else was. Kevin had no choice but to follow, hoping he hadn’t caused any permanent damage to the friendship just by caring.

“Okay!” Fatima called out, “Since everyone is here, let’s get started.”

The Boys all scattered themselves randomly around the room, stretching themselves to warm up as Fatima started the music, demonstrating what they were all to do in following her footsteps, their top notch choreographer putting her talents to good use, teaching them only the best. They’d been out of practice for a long while, and were starting from scratch with entirely new dances, so mess ups were a given. They did, however, have plenty of time. Time and having fun with it were all that they really needed.

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He turned on the CD player, putting it on the song that they’d learned earlier that day. He’d had a hard time with some of the choreography and wanted to try to get better at it so he was up to speed with everyone else. He didn’t know what was with him lately, but he felt so low on energy and he felt as if he were slacking off. He absolutely could not slack off. It wouldn’t happen. The group was everything to him, and he wasn’t going to ruin it by being slow and fat. No way, no how.

Once the music picked up, he tried to remember what he’d learned earlier from Fatima, concentrating intently on the dance moves for Just Want You To Know. He wanted to get each step perfect, in sync with the others. They were all already way ahead of him, and he had seen the annoyance on their faces at him holding them back. Which was exactly why he had to catch up by the end of the night. By next dance rehearsal, he needed to be just as good, if not, better than the other four. He wanted to wow them, make them see something in him that they’d obviously thought was missing before. Besides that, if they thought he wasn’t putting forth serious effort, they might catch on to something being wrong in his life.

When the chorus picked up, he closed his eyes, trying to envision the steps in his mind as he tried them out in front of the mirror-coated walls of the empty studio. He opened his eyes to watch himself and lost his footing, nearly tripping over his own feet. He stopped and stared. Was that really him in the mirror? He hardly recognized himself, for the version of himself from years, even a few mere months ago, he had thought he’d looked good, healthy, thin and muscular. Had he been completely blind and in denial? He could see a double chin now visibly, and it made him want to absolutely kill himself. He couldn’t believe he’d allowed this to happen. In his year and a half off, had he honestly completely let himself go, ridding himself of years of working out and strict schedules to insure he as well as the others stayed in top condition.

“I am repulsive!” He muttered to himself.

He spun around so he wouldn’t have to look in the mirror, bending down to start the song over. It had him even more determined than ever to become perfect with the routine. He needed to get it down to a T as well as for the exercise. For the exercise, more than anything, because he wanted to become thin and fit again. He wanted to fit in with the rest of the group instead of standing out like a sore thumb. He could almost hear the voices whispering behind his back about how he’s turned gross and making up rumors about him. He could see himself in tabloids, them making the situation worse than it really was, or was it? He didn’t know anymore. All he knew was that something had to be done.

So for three hours, he danced himself to exhaustion, drinking only water, the only thing he’d consumed really other than a couple saltine crackers every few days, to keep himself hydrated. By the end of it, he felt he’d gotten the whole thing down about as good as he could as he fell to the floor, wiping the sweat from his forehead. Day one of intense working out was done, he had a long way to go. Many days of excruciating pain and long sleepless nights were ahead of him, but as long as it all paid off, it would be worth it.