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Chapter Seven
February 27th, 2006

Why is it that every time things start to go good again for me, something happens to make me crash back down again? Am I just not mean to be happy? It is so frustrating and infuriating. Like our first day dancing. As hard as he tried to be casual, Kevin still came right out and asked me if I was cutting again. I mean, damn, I am surprised he didn’t follow me in to the fucking bathroom and watch me like a hawk at my every move. I’m not...so why won’t they believe me? I thought that I had his trust back again, but him even suggesting that told me that I don’t. Nothing has changed. I was foolish to think that it had. At least the others are laying off, but maybe they are thinking the same things as Kevin. I just feel like I am not good enough since all of this has happened. I feel like maybe I never was good enough and am just wasting my time. All I want is to be trusted though. Just that one act towards me could change so much. Why can’t anybody see that? I mean hell...it’s been two years. Why can’t they just understand that all I want is to move on with my life and try to put the past behind me?

Then there is Stacie. Why do I act like a rambling idiot every time I am around her? I mean, I get sweaty, nervous. My eyes dart around everywhere to avoid making eye contact with her. I stutter. I act like a complete geek. I want her to like me...the way that I like her. If I keep things the way they are going though, she will never see me as anything other than a patient who acts like a complete idiot and needs help. Hell, maybe she won’t anyways. Maybe I am being stupid and not thinking clearly. It’s just depressing. I really, really like her a lot. The more I get to know her, the more I find we have in common. It’s like we were meant to be together, but there is one thing stopping us...she is my therapist. I have become a strong believer in fate though. Why else would AJ have walked in on me in just the nick of time that one night? He saved my life. What are the chances of that? I truly believe that I met Stacie for a reason too. The one woman I’ve connected with better than anybody else besides the Boys. Someone I feel I am meant to be with. But even things with them are different now. Maybe it is all in my head and I am just being paranoid, but it seems so real.

Rehearsals are going great so far though, on a positive note. They always did give a sense of excitement and pride, I guess you could say. Every time I nail one of those moves, it gives me a sense of satisfaction, like I am doing something right for once in my pathetic life. And the new album is going to be fantastic. As always though, Kevin and I don’t have many solos. It just gets to a point where you wonder what you are doing wrong. Why do things always turn out the way that they do? Why does it seem like I am always looked past? All of these questions I get the feeling I will never have answered. It’s my own battle. Unless I just up and tell everything that is on my mind and get angry, things wont change. Hell, they probably won’t anyways, so what is the point of yelling when it isn’t in my nature? There is no point. I just wish I could be noticed instead of feeling like the invisible man.

Anyways, so the album sounds great and dance rehearsals are going about as good as could be expected for as long as we’ve been at them. The only thing missing in my life is true happiness. I’m much better than I was in the beginning of all of this but I still want to be happy again. Maybe someday, it will happen. I can only hope, but as long as I am being smothered and feeling inadequate like this, it will be awhile before it does.

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Howie hummed to the tune of one of his favorite songs as he made his way to the elevator of the hotel. He was running late for a meeting and for the first time in his life, he didn’t care. It wouldn’t kill anyone if he was fifteen minutes late. It felt good to him to do things on his time without abiding to every rule. It made him feel free as opposed to on some sort of lock down, being controlled by puppet strings. Sure, Howie was aware of the fact that he would probably get yelled at by several people when he did arrive, but he wouldn’t care. He honest to God wouldn’t care. Even when Kevin had tried calling him on his cell phone, Howie had ignored it, sending it straight to voice mail. Why answer when he was on his way? Even though he knew he was just digging himself a deeper hole, it would be worth it since he was living that day by his rules on his time, his own schedule.

Howie thought about what he’d like to do after the meeting. It was early evening and dance rehearsals had ended early that day to make room for the meeting. As soon as it was over, Howie had every intention of taking off and doing something that he wanted. He felt in the mood to go to his club that he owned, Tabu, and see how things were running. He hadn’t been there in quite some time and since he was in the area, he figured he might as well drop by and make sure all was going smoothly.

“Hey, Howie!”

Howie turned to see Stacie standing next to him. Immediately, all of the confidence he’d felt started to falter as he gulped, smiling at her nervously. Today she was wearing a simple pair of low cut hip hugger jeans with flared bottoms and a tight sweater in the shade of a lightest green that matched her eyes, drawing attention to them even further. Her hair was down, her silk curls spilling over her shoulders. She looked absolutely breathtaking and Howie couldn’t help but gawk.

“Hi Stacie.” Howie murmured, stopping in his tracks, “Um, how...how are you?”

“I’m good,” Stacie laughed, looking at Howie strangely, “Just off to do some site seeing for the afternoon. What are you up to?”

“Meeting...I’m late.” Howie said lamely, then felt like kicking himself at how stupid he sounded. Why couldn’t he talk to her? Why was this so incredibly difficult for him? He just added to the problems though by adding, “I’m in uh...not in a hurry though. They can um...wait I guess.”

Stacie just laughed politely, wishing she knew what was going on with him. The man had been acting so awkward lately and she couldn’t even analyze the meaning. Was he cutting again? His nervous, jumpy behavior proved that he probably was, but then again, he’d hid it so well before so she believed that he would be able to this time as well. Unless, due to the fact that everybody was now on guard around him, he felt nervous and...

“So, um...where are you um...going sight seeing at?” Howie asked, distracting Stacie from her thoughts.

Stacie shrugged, “Oh, I don’t know,” she smiled, “I guess just drive around until I see something that looks interesting. You always find the best places when you aren’t looking though, right?”

Howie gulped, looking at her slender curves, and then her soft lips. He had to look away to avoid doing anything stupid that would get him in to trouble. How he wanted to take her in to his arms though, holding her there. This attraction was getting out of hand, and even Howie was smart enough to know it. He couldn’t help it though. All he wanted was for Stacie to either like him back or for his crush to vanish and he see her as nothing more than somebody to help him through his mental problems that he supposedly had. He then realized that he’d spaced out and hadn’t answered yet, quickly trying to find a cover for himself.

“Oh, um....yes...you do.” he stammered, “I um...I remember in um...in London...that happened.”

“Yeah,” Stacie smiled, “Well, I should get going. It’s almost dark and I’d like to get out before it’s too dark. And besides, you have that meeting to get to. I’m sure your friends are wondering where you are by now.” She smiled warmly at him.

“They can wait...” Howie muttered, but then said aloud, “I guess so. So um...have fun.”

“I will, and you too.” Stacie stated.

There was a moment of awkward silence as the two just stared at each other. Stacie got the impression that Howie wanted to say something more, but was afraid to. She waited patiently though as he just looked at her, his breathing beginning to become irregular. Stacie raised one of her perfectly shaped eyebrows, shifting somewhat uncomfortably. That’s when it happened. Howie pulled her in to his arms and at first, she was afraid that he was going to hurt her. That was until he pressed his lips against hers, giving her a soft, meaningful kiss. Stacie still drew back in shock though, just staring at Howie in confusion. Howie just stared at her though, hurt until he realized what had happened, causing himself to jump back.

“Oh God..I’m sorry...I...I’m so sorry.” Howie apologized in a panic before turning and running down the hall in the other direction as quickly as he could away from Stacie, whom he’d just made an even ass out of himself in front of because he couldn’t contain his feelings any longer.

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It was too good to be true. Things were going exactly as he had liked them too, but he hadn’t been prepared for it. He was shocked and confused yet happy. It was unreal. Nobody was even noticing him and his weight loss. Not that it showed much...to him at least. But still...fifteen pounds was a lot. It made him feel relieved that he was getting away with this. Nothing else mattered to him. Just continuing on so that he could keep his job as a performer. As he’d thought time and time again before, that still stood. Nobody would want to come to see an overweight man perform. He had to get his image back before the tour took off. He had to...no questions asked. That’s all there was to it.

Another thing made him happy. The others were concentrating so much on others problems and worrying about everybody else that nobody even bothered to notice and worry about him. He’d never really had a problem in his life...well, at least not for awhile. A few years. Nobody was worrying about him. In everybody’s eyes, he was perfectly fine. In his eyes, he was perfectly fine. He was just dieting a little to lose a few extra pounds. Sure, it wasn’t the healthiest way, but he had limited time to get it done. There wasn’t anything wrong with that. Not in his mind. In his mind, everything was fine.

With that thought in mind, his stomach growled. Going to the sink, he got a class of water...the only thing he consumed when he was alone. When he was with the others was the only time he ate, and it was just for show. Nobody had caught on to him going to the bathroom after each meal for ten minutes. Thankfully, nobody had followed him. That would ruin everything and would drive him crazy having that food in his stomach. He had to dispose of it quickly or else it would be too late. So he gulped down the glass of water, feeling only somewhat satisfied. He knew that it was all he could have though if he were going to keep up with this. Time was running out. It was the beginning of March already. Tickets for their shows were going on sale soon. He only had three and a half months to finish his task. After that, he would stop.

He tried to think of the last tour and smiled. It had gone so well, or so he’d thought. Everyone had been happy on the outside and they’d had fun. But then problems had arose right after it ended. The time off had been the reason for his downspiral. Maybe if they hadn’t had the break, he would still be looking good and feeling great. He would still have been active. He could honestly say that during the break, he’d been pretty lazy and not really tried. He’d just relaxed and taken things easy. Look where it had gotten him though. He shook his head in disgust, downing another glass of water. If he could turn back time and do it all again, he’d have done something with his time off. He’d have changed a lot about the past. Hell, he was even starting to feel bad that nobody was noticing him, and he did mean nobody. Wasn’t that what he wanted though? He honestly didn’t know

A few tears fell down his cheeks as he became suddenly so confused, not knowing what he wanted out of all of this. Did he want to continue or did he want somebody to notice and care? He was now going back and forth, but he knew until somebody did notice, he wouldn’t quit. No...he definitely wouldn’t give up. Not until somebody told him that they were worried and even then, he might not. But until then, he would just cover himself up with baggy clothes and pray that nobody would until the time was just right. But the question was...when would that time be right? He was just confused, feeling like he didn’t even know anything about himself any longer and that, more than anything, scared him.