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Chapter One: Like A Razor


"Mama, I don't want to go to school. The kids don't like me there," A young Howie replied, looking up at his mother with mournful eyes under a mop of curly raven hair. Since pre-school, his peers had been relentless in teasing him and playing mean tricks. "They call me names and tell me to crawl under rocks."

"I know they were mean to you last year, Sweetheart. But I think you're just scared because it's your first day of second grade. The kids who used to make fun of you have started to grow up. I don't think they'll be mean you anymore," Paula soothed, kneeling down to kiss her son's cheek. "Now get going, or you'll miss the bus."

"But Mama--"

"Don't argue with me, Howard Dwaine. I'll see you after school."

"Yes, Mama," Howie shuffled out the door, slamming it behind him as he headed towards the bus stop. The bright Florida sun beat down on his faded blue backpack and through the back of his red Transformers t-shirt. His stomach churned as the voices of neighborhood kids filled his ears, knowing another year of torment was about to come. He finally reached the bus stop and all the kids stopped to stare at him.

"Lookit, the Ugly Troll is back! He got even uglier!" a blond haired boy sneered, pointing at Howie as the other kids laughed.

"Leave me alone, Ryan!" Howie defended himself, feeling his heart deflate as they all continued to laugh and point at him. "Just leave me alone!"

"Aw, Ugly Troll is mad! What'cha going to do? Huh?" another girl snickered, sticking her tongue out.

"Why can't you leave me alone?!"

"Because you're ugly! Ugly Troll!"

"Ugly Troll! Ugly Troll! Ugly Troll! Ugly Troll!" a chant began as they danced around him and he continued to yell, tears streaming down his burning cheeks.

"STOP IT! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Aw, Ugly Troll is crying! What a cry-baby!" Ryan stopped circling Howie and pushed him hard with a wicked grin. Howie stumbled, his back slamming into the telephone poll. More tears streamed down his cheeks as he heard a rip and pain flared up his spine. He knew his favorite backpack was ruined and his mother would be furious.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Ugly Troll! Ugly Troll! Go back under your bridge!"

~*~*~*~

"Jenny, I think Dorough the Troll is going to ask you to dance."

"Ew, are you serious?! God, he's so ugly!" Jenny exclaimed over the music as Howie bashfully made his way towards her. It was their last dance of the year and he wanted to dance with his crush, Jenny, once before they all split up to go to different high schools. The term ended in less than three months.

"Where's Ryan?"

"He went to get me a soda... damnit, it figures he would come here! I'm surprised it wasn't sooner."

"I'm surprised he even showed his nasty ass face here," Dana interjected with a snicker, causing Jenny to elbow her with annoyance.

"You're not helping!"

"Sorry, sorry... Good luck, you're going to need it," Dana whispered to Jenny, taking a step back once Howie approached them.

"Hey, Jenny... I was wondering... well... if you would..."

"If you even think about asking me to dance, Troll, think again. If I get caught dancing with your ugly face, I'll be the laughing stock of the whole school!" Jenny interrupted his rambling, flipping her blonde hair with a roll of her eyes.

"B-But I thought that since it was our last dance, you could just--"

"Are you deaf along with ugly? I said no. Now leave me alone!"

"Jenny--"

"Babe, is the Troll bothering you?"

"Ryan, thank God! He's trying to make me dance with him!" Jenny ran behind her boyfriend, who immediately loomed over Howie.

"I thought I had made it clear before, Troll. Stay away from my Jenny."

"I didn't do anything wrong. I-I just wanted to have a dance--"

"She doesn't want to be around you. Now if you don't shut up and leave, I'll make you," Ryan threatened, cracking his large knuckles.

"Fuck you!" Howie burst, his body trembling with fear and anger. He was tired of being insulted and pushed around by his fellow classmates. "Fuck you, I never did anything to you!"

"Oh, but you did, Troll. You were born and decided to torture everyone with your hideous face," Ryan growled, curling his hand into a fist and hurling it directly at Howie's jaw. An ominous crack made even the girls wince as Howie pitched to the floor in utter pain. Satisfied with this outcome, Ryan fetched a couple of hard kicks to Howie's side, the cracking of bones and screams of pain overpowered by the heavy bass of dance music. A group of students circled the ensuing one-sided fight, chanting Ryan's name as he continued beating Howie.

"Leave me alone! Oh God, please stop! It hurts!" Howie moaned, a bit muffled as he held onto his side. An ear-splitting scream errupted from his throat as Ryan's boot connected with the arm protecting his side, the bone immediately breaking under the pressure. Ryan bent down and delievered more blows to Howie's tender face, fueled by encouragements from his friends and girlfriend. Everyone chanting and the pain just didn't seem to end and soon Howie dove into the dark clouds of the unconscious.

~*~*~*~

"Thank God I'll never see these people again," Howie sighed heavily, adjusting the cap atop his still unruly curls before zipping up the matching dark red gown. It was Graduation Day and Howie was convinced it didn't come a day sooner. Finally, he was about to escape all the people who made his school years a living Hell. Frowning, he leaned in and poked at the jagged scar below his left eye that Ryan had given him in ninth grade at the last dance of the year. He had stayed in the hospital for nearly two weeks because of the injuries he had sustained. His arm had been broken in four places and actually needed surgery. Pins and plates were infused into the brittle bone, leaving scars for Howie to remember for the rest of his life. If that wasn't hard enough for him, the only punishment Ryan had received was a week of detention. Many students had convinced the principal that Howie had been the one to start the fight, which earned him a ban from the class trip to DisneyWorld. "I hope they all rot for what they've done to me."

"Howie? Baby brother, can I come in?" his older sister Pollyanna knocked on his bedroom door before entering, her eyes shining with pride. "You look so handsome!"

"Yeah, right... thanks, Polly."

"I mean it. Red has always been a good color on you," Pollyanna continued, walking over to adjust Howie's cap.

"I just got it right!" he groaned, batting her hands away with a small smile. "What are you doing here, anyway? You were supposed to ride with Mama and Papa."

"I convinced them I had to give you a little pep talk, so here I am..." Pollyana trailed off, perching herself on Howie's neatly made bed. "Are you nervous?"

"Nervous? Hell no, I'm ready to be done with high school. Unless you haven't noticed, I don't have a single friend from that shithole--"

"Howie!"

"It's true and you know it. Who would want to be friends with Dorough the Ugly Troll anyway?"

"Stop that right now! You're not ugly and you never have been! Howie, you're a very handsome man and one day a girl will come along--"

"Only to laugh in my face just like all the others. Or they'll use me to make their boyfriends pissed off and then I get beaten up once again. Remember ninth grade, Polly? I sure haven't forgotten..." Howie trailed off, rubbing the scars that trailed down his arm.

"I remember. But that was the past and the kids who hurt you are cruel. They'll get what's coming to them," Pollyanna stood up and brought her younger brother into a tight embrace. They had always been the closest out of all the Dorough children and she always thought Howie knew he could confide in her about anything that was going on in his life. "You can't believe what they tell you."

"It's hard not to when you've been hearing it for over fourteen years," Howie muttered, burying his head into the crook of Pollyanna's shoulder for a moment before pulling away. "But you, John and Carol wouldn't understand. You haven't been through what I have."

"Howie, stop. Fuck all the people who hurt you. They're meaningless because in the end you'll make something of yourself while they're still stuck in that high school attitude," Pollyanna cupped his cheeks, making their matching dark brown eyes connect. "You're perfect in every way."

"No, I'm not. Don't try to boost an esteem that doesn't exist," Howie whispered, reaching to push her hands away. In reaction, she grabbed his wrists and gasped at the odd feeling. She turned them around and looked down to see deep scars running across his caramel skin. He yelped and tried to hide them, but she prevented him with wide eyes, obviously shocked at the sight.

"Howard Dwaine... what are these?"

"They're nothing. Polly, please let go--"

"Have you been hurting yourself? On purpose?"

"Polly--"

"Answer me."

"Yes..." Howie bowed his head in shame as Pollyanna continued to examine the scars, wincing as she trailed a finger over the thickest one. He had tried to end his life but only succeeded in bleeding enough to pass out.

"For how long?"

"Five years."

"Right after--"

"Ryan beat the shit out of me... yeah. Why do you think I wear those thick-banded watches and long sleeve shirts?"

"Oh, baby brother. Cutting yourself won't help anything. Why would you ever resort to this?"

"The better question would be why didn't I start sooner?" Howie replied dryly, pushing his gown sleeves down to cover the scars once again.

"Didn't you ever think of the consequences? What if there was a time you were home alone and you were cutting... and you accidently cut too deep. No one was here to help you... and you died."

"Polly--"

"Do you have any idea how devastated the whole family would be? How much pain it would cause us to lose you?"

"I'm sorry, okay? You haven't lived my life, you don't know how hard it's been. No one will ever understand the pain I went through every single day since I was four years old! Fourteen years of torture, pain and harrassment. FOURTEEN YEARS!" Howie shouted, tears now streaming down his cheeks as he let it all out. "Never once did I have a friend to help me, because I'm too fucking ugly!"

"Howard Dwaine Dorough, you are not ugly!" Pollyanna stood up and hurriedly brought her youngher brother into her arms. He accepted the embrace, sobbing into her shoulder as she rubbed his shaking back. "You're such an amazing person. You're sweeting, caring, compassionate... you have a great sense of humor. And in my opinion, a very handsome man. You're going to make your soulmate very happy when you find her."

"If she wants to be found," Howie sniffled heavily.

"The minute she sees you, she'll want to be with you forever. That's what I thought right when I saw Erik and look at us now. We're engaged."

"Do you really think I'll find her, Polly?"

"I promise that you will."

"Thank you..." Howie trailed off, looking up at his older sister with watery chocolate brown eyes. "For everything."

"You don't need to thank me. That's what family is for," Pollyanna smiled softly, kissing his forehead. "Just promise me one thing."

"What's that?"

"You'll never cut again."

"Polly--"

"Promise me."

"I... I promise to never cut myself again."

"Good," Pollyanna hugged him once more and adjusted his cap back to the way he wanted. "Now come on, we've got a graduation to go to!"