Has Anybody Seen My Happy Place?
I was worried about Nick, so much so that I slept on a couch in the living room, right beside the couch he finally dosed off on. I have known Nick for more than half of his life. I know that sounds dumb but I’m just trying to put things in perspective. Because having said that, I can tell you that I have only seen him this upset about three other times since we met. Once was when AJ went into rehab, another when he got into such a huge fight with his mother that she said she wished he was dead and the last was when his parents finally split up. All of those times he just had such a lost little puppy aura about him that I wanted to just put him in a box and ship him to my mother, who always had the ability to make everything better.
When we finally got out of the car and I got to see that sad expression on his face, I just felt so horrible. I couldn’t help but feel guilty about dragging him out in the first place. If I didn’t invite him out, this would have never happened.
Kristin, sensing the same amount of despair in him that I did, wrapped her arms around him as she walked him up the front steps to our house. My wife should drive for the CIA because no one would have been able to follow her with the amount of twists and turns she used to get us here. People did indeed follow us but they gave up the chase after a few blocks. Maybe they got hold of a better story. Most likely Paris sensed that Nick was getting attention so she probably feigned getting hit by a car or something.
Nick sat down on the couch, leaning off to the side as if he was going to just pass out. I sat beside him and once again folded him into my arms. Kris watched us silently. I’m not sure what she thought about when we did things like this so I glanced over to read her expression. She answered my gaze with a small smile which was one of the many reasons why I loved my wife.
“Everything will work out Nick. You’ll see.” I tried to sound confident and sure of myself, even though I wasn’t at all. I knew come the morning those pictures would be plastered all over every tabloid in America with some horrid headlines to describe them.
“No it won’t, not this time…” He frowned and put his hands to his eyes as once again the tears started to flow.
I felt so helpless when he got to this point. Normally, my job was to prevent him from getting to there. Whether it be a nice strong talking too, or a whisper of reassurance. Once he got to this point though, I felt as helpless as a person trying to stop a friend’s baby from crying.
Brian used to be the only one to be able to really calm him down at times like this. I almost called him but stopped myself when I saw the time. Things change and one of those things was Brian and Nick’s relationship. There was a time when 3 a.m. was normal for my cousin, but those days have long passed. Not that there was any doubt in my mind that he still wouldn’t come out here. He would in a heartbeat, but just now he had so many other people to consider.
“Nick, don’t worry about it. Tabloids always print garbage. The people that love you will know the truth.”
He sighed and moved his hands away from his eyes, “No one loves me, and that’s the problem.” He said so softly it was as if I was hearing his inner thoughts. Maybe I had. Maybe he didn’t even really verbalize that but I picked it up from his body language.
“Nick, we all love you. The people that matter to you most all love you.”
“My own par…never mind. You’re right; I’m just blowing things out of proportion.”
“I didn’t say that buddy…you have every right to feel the way you are, all I’m saying is we will support you no matter what.”
He looked over at me and tried his hardest to smile, “Thanks man…seriously I have no idea what I would do without you guys. Sometimes I think you’re the only ones that keep me sane.”
I had my hand on the back of his neck and nodded at him, “Why don’t you try to get some sleep.”
“I doubt I’ll be able to, I think tonight is a sleeping pill night.”
“I have Nyquil…not that I’m saying you should medicate yourself, but if you think that will help…” Normally I would have never suggested that, but he was right. He needed help to sleep especially when his nerves were this frayed.
Nick was on two different medicines, one to help him sleep and another for anxiety. The doctor prescribed him the anti anxiety meds while all of that crap was going on with his family. Funny how I said that past tense, as if between then and now, things have been resolved. Unfortunately they haven’t. His family is probably at their worst, most are completely estranged. I’m not sure he realizes we all know this because if asked, he says the contrary, but we do know and we feel for him. Especially since we all know how important family is to him in the first place.
He nodded at me, “That would be good. It rarely helps but maybe tonight it will…thanks for everything Kev.” He looked up at me, once again with those lost blue eyes of his.
“Not a problem little man…I’ll be right back.” I walked out of the room and towards the bathroom where Kristin was already going through the medicine cabin looking for the Nyquil.
“Will he be okay?” She asked as she handed me the bottle of the blue stuff.
“I hope so.”
“He looks so…I don’t know…like he doesn’t have a friend in the world.”
I nodded at her; she wasn’t used to seeing this side of Nick. Whenever he was around her, he was usually the carefree, goofball. “He’ll be okay. I think I’m going to spend the night on the couch though, just in case.”
“You don’t think he’d try anything stupid, do you?”
“No…nothing like that. Just that…sometimes in the middle of the night, he’ll finally want to talk. It takes him awhile to process things; I want to be around when he finally does.”
“You’re a good friend.” She said walking towards me and giving me a huge hug.
“Tonight, I’m more of a big brother or father.”
She stepped away from the hug and placed her hand on my cheek, “Well, whatever form you are taking Kevin…he’s lucky to have you in his life…and so am I.”
When I made it back into the living room with the Nyquil and the blankets and pillows needed, he was already laying down in a fetal position hugging one of the couches throw pillows. Even though I already knew the answer, I asked the question anyway, “if you want you can go sleep in the guest bedroom but I know you’d probably prefer the couch so I brought you a blanket and some pillows.”
He sat up when I handed him the medicine. “Thanks,” He said as he opened the bottle and started chugging it as if it was a beer.
“Easy!” by instinct I grabbed the bottle out of his hand, having some of the cough syrup fall to the carpet as I did. The last thing I needed was having to rush him to the hospital for an overdose.
“Sorry, I just know how many chugs it takes to knock me out.” He wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his hoodie.
“Well, I say that was enough chug-age.” He laughed at me, which was always a plus when he was this down. Anytime I could get a giggle I would gladly take it. “I hope that stuff doesn’t stain.” I said more to myself then him as I ran to get a wet paper towel and some soap. That’s all Kris needed to see when she came downstairs in the morning, a big blue blob right by the coffee table.
By the time I had come back, he already had his eyes closed, back in the same position he was in pre-Nyquil. I bent down beside him and rubbed the cough medicine out of the carpet. Luckily it seemed to come right out.
“I think we’re going to take the day off tomorrow.” I told him. Even though his eyes were closed I knew he was awake because of the lack of snoring.
“Again? We are losing so much studio time because of me and my stupid mistakes.”
“Not all of us, I’ll tell the rest of the guys to go, but I think it’s best if you stay home. I’ll stay with you.”
He opened his eyes again and looked down at me as I sat on the carpet. “I don’t need a babysitter Kev…”
“I didn’t say you did Nickolas.”
“If you think it’s not going to be a big deal, than why are you suggesting I stay home?”
When I didn’t answer right away he nodded, “You do think it’s going to be all over the place huh?”
“Maybe.” I admitted to him.
“Whatever! I’m so done with everything. I just want to sleep forever and never get off your couch.”
I put my hand on his forehead, as if I was feeling for a fever, “Nick…it’ll all work itself out. It usually does…now get some sleep.” I winked at him before taking the blanket and covering him with it.
I woke up with the worst headache in the universe. I hated those; you know the ones so bad that they woke you up before it was actually time to wake yourself up? I think it was around 6 in the morning when my eyes popped open from the agony. It was one of the side effects to drinking Nyquil. I always forget that part though.
So, I sat up and scratched my head for a few seconds unsure of where the hell I was. I had forgotten that Kevin and Kris brought me back to their place until I saw him laying there on the couch like a corpse.
Kevin sleeps like a vampire would. He lies on his back with his hands folded in front of him. It used to give me the creeps when I was younger. Of course it didn’t help that AJ and Brian used to feed my imagination and make me believe that he was indeed a real vampire and that one night he would come in and suck all of my blood out. I was a very gullible child and Kevin was a very scary, big intimidating guy. Now upon closer inspection, I’m not sure why he used to scare me so much.
He was something else, Kevin. Here he was sleeping on the couch instead of upstairs with his wife, probably because he was afraid I’d do something dumb like fall out a window or try to stick my head in his garbage disposal. He was always looking out for me and deep down inside, when trying not to act like it was the most bothersome thing on the planet, I was so grateful for that.
I waddled my way to the bathroom in hopes of finding some aspirin I could take. And yes I did say waddle. It’s that semi awake but really more asleep walk one has when woken up immaturely. My dad called it the morning shuffle.
Luckily, there sitting on the back of the toilet was a huge bottle of Tylenol. I grabbed it and threw about four in my mouth and dry swallowed them, followed by me sticking my head under the faucet to get some water once they were down. In the back of my mind, I actually heard Kevin screaming at me for mixing my drugs. It’s sad that I heard Kevin and not one of my parents isn’t it? The saddest part of that, my mother is the one that taught me the Nyquil swig. My family has issues.
It dawned on me then that despite what had happened last night, I was in a good mood. It was weird actually, but I felt refreshed in some odd way. I almost wanted to stay awake and start my day right then and there. Maybe leave a note for Kevin saying thank you and buying some donuts and coffee to bring back to my place, but the more rational me realized this was only a temporary high. It usually happened when I was at my lowest of lows.
It’s like what they say happens to people right before they die. How their pain goes away and euphoria kicks in. For me, that’s what would happen when my life would randomly decide to fall apart on me. My brain would say, ‘okay you…we’re taking a break so here’s some happy fluffy bunnies to pet and a nice house made of chocolate…you like chocolate don’t you Nick?’ as the theme from Speed Racer played in the background.
People always like to think I’m zoning out when this happens, but actually I’m just in my happy place, the spot where no one can touch me. “You’re up early.”
“AHHH!” Yes I did scream like a girl and yes a little louder than I would have liked.
“Jesus, are you trying to give me a heart attack?” Kevin asked me, as if I had snuck up on him or something.
“Sorry…you scared me. I didn’t see you there.”
“You looked like you were zoning out.”
I nodded at him, I guess I might have looked a little funny, standing there with the bathroom door wide open and just staring at the mirror, probably with a dopey look on my face.
“I have a headache.”
“Don’t take any aspirin! It’s not good to mix medicine!”
“No worries Kev, I’m not that stupid.”
“Good.” He came and pat my back. What? A little white lie never hurt anybody, besides I have mixed much worse!
“What are you doing up?”
“I need to pee.”
“Oh, I guess I better get out of your way then.” I walked past him and back to the couch, plopping down and wrapping myself in the blanket.
When my head hit the pillow it’s as if the happy feeling I had a few minutes ago got knocked out of me. Just like that I was back to feeling sad and alone. I used to be able to stay in my happy place for a lot longer than that.
“Here he comes…here comes Speed racer; he’s a demon on wheels…” I sang to myself, trying to lure my imagination back to Happy Land. I stopped singing when I heard the toilet flush.
Kevin walked out a few seconds later, “Are you comfortable? Do you need anything? Another pillow or blanket?”
“No, I’m good.”
“You sure?”
“Uh huh…thanks Kevin…for everything.”
“You know I love you buddy, right?”
“Yup.”
“Go back to sleep.” He ordered and I was quick to oblige, hearing the faintest strains of Speed Racer going through my mind.
I woke up to an oddly quiet house. I mean too quiet, there was no snoring, no scampering from pets, nothing. I enjoy my quiet times, not that they ever last very long. My alarm cut through the enticing silence like an annoying well…alarm clock I guess and I knew at any minute all the noise would come with it.
I stood up and wandered into the bathroom as the dogs started their ‘I want to go out’ barking. “Nick! Let the dogs out!” I yelled as I passed by his room. Of course his door stayed closed and the dogs continued to bark. God forbid HE be the one to get up and let them out…ever! That’s it…I want a divorce!
“Ugh! Hush, I’m coming. God I don’t bark at you when I need to pee, do I?” This time when I passed by his room I banged on the door, “Nick wake the hell up!”
The dogs were circling me like a hungry gang of sharks. “Make up your minds, do you want to eat or go out?” I do make it a habit of carrying on conversations with the dogs. It’s just something I do and I know they can understand me. They are smart like that.
When they ran to the backdoor, I had my answer so I walked over in my boxers and opened the door. If I had known I would have been greeted by that many paparazzi, I would have probably gotten dressed. I let the dogs out and just stood dumbfounded for a few seconds at the five people standing in my backyard taking pictures of me.
“What the fuck?” I asked before realizing I was just about naked and closed the door on them.
I ran back over to Nick’s room and knocked once again, “Nick!” I yelled before just walking in.
The room was empty and I immediately felt the smallest sense of panic creep up inside of me. An Empty room plus a ton of reporters couldn’t equal something good. Had something happened to him? Something happened to him, that’s that. In the five minutes it took me to locate my phone and dial Howie, I had killed Nick off about three different ways. What is wrong with me? When did I become Kevin?
I’m not sure why I called Howie, maybe because his number was first in my speed dial, but it was clear that I had woke up him by the half dazed way he answered the phone. He answered as if he was Italian.
“Imma D.” I couldn’t help but laugh.
“You ah D eh?”
He paused for a few seconds, probably trying to figure out who I was, “AJ what do you want?”
“Do you have any idea why there are a gazillion reporters in my backyard?”
“What? Is this some kind of sucky knock knock joke?”
“Did I say knock knock anywhere in my question to you?”
“So, you have reporters in your backyard?”
“Yes, and Nick isn’t home and I’m worried. I was wondering if you had heard from him or if maybe he was there.”
“No…did you try Kevin or Brian?”
“Nope, I called you first.”
“If something bad happened I’m sure we would have gotten a call. Did he have any plans?”
“When I got back from my AA meeting, he was already gone. I have no idea where he went.” Now I could tell I was getting Howie all worried which took some skill I have to say. The guy was as mellow as a melon… A mellow melon.
“Why don’t you go ask the reporters what they want?”
That seemed so ridiculous but at the same time made so much sense. “I can’t do that D.”
“Why not? I mean they’re out there bothering you, you might as well find out why.”
“Isn’t that the equivalent to sleeping with the enemy?”
“Only if you sleep with them I guess.” I love Howie.
“Okay, I’ll do that.”
“Good, and I’ll be waiting…so hurry!”
“Yes sir!”
I decided to maybe put some clothes on first before going to talk to the paparazzi, if they were even still there. Maybe if we were lucky, our attack dogs ate them or something. Although knowing our dogs, they were probably feeding them inside information.
I yawned and looked at the clock. How long does it take for a person to go outside and ask a simple question? This is not the way I wanted to be woken up this morning. In fact whenever I am woken up like this, the day usually ends up being sucky!
“Come on AJ!” I screamed into my phone. Okay well maybe I didn’t scream but I wanted to.
It made no sense why suddenly the press would be stalking their place, like a delayed reaction to the Paris situation, unless something else happened. “What did she do now?” Was the only thought that ran through my head. She had to have done something else.
“I swear if he went back to her I’ll kill him myself!” Maybe that would spark a sudden interest in Nick. There is no way he’d do that though. No freaking way. Maybe they weren’t there for Nicky at all; maybe AJ had done something stupid. I mean between the two of them it’s really a crap shoot sometimes.
Luckily, AJ came back giving my brain a rest from thinking out other possible explanations. “D?”
“What took you so long?”
“It was the press dude, they had a billion questions.”
“What happened, why are they there?”
“Dude…something went down in a club last night and I guess it was bad.”
“Who? Nicky?”
“Yeah but at least he was with Kevin supposedly. They have pictures of him balling his eyes out in a car.”
“Kevin?”
“No, Nick.”
“Jesus…”
“That’s all I got.”
“Thanks AJ…I’m going to call Kevin and see what the deal is.”
“Call me back dude, I have a feeling we might be skipping out on the studio today.”
I nodded, I had a feeling he was right. I hung up with AJ and instantly went to call Kevin. I’m glad he was there when things got out of hand. Why did things always have to get out of hand in the first place? I think that is the million dollar question.
Our conversation was brief. He didn’t sound very happy to hear about the press over at AJ’s house and said that maybe it would be best if we all took the day off. I asked how Nick was doing and he said Nick was asleep but not happy then he said he had to go, he’d call us all later and we’d talk about what to do next. How we were going to handle the situation. Then he said he was going to call AJ and tell him to come over there as well.
Of course he added a few choice words for the paparazzi which I will not repeat.
One thing I have to say, Nick always kept our lives exciting.
