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CHAPTER 5

When it hurts to look back, and you’re scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there.






A.J. called Katie the next afternoon to see how she was doing. The phone rang four times before Katie picked it up.


“ Hello?” asked Katie.


“ Hey. Where were you?” asked A.J.


“ I was deciding whether or not to pick up the phone.”


“ Why?”


“ I don’t know.”


“ What’s wrong?”


“ Nothing is wrong. What makes you think something’s wrong?”


“ By the sound of your voice.”


“Oh.” She sighed heavily, “ Do you want to come over?”


“ If you want me to.”


“ That would be great.”


“ Okay. I’ll be there in like five minutes. Is that soon enough?”


“ That’ll be fine A.J. oh, A.J.?”


“ Yeah?”


“ Thank you so much.”


“ No problem.”




Just as she sat down, there was knock on the door. She opened it to find A.J. standing there with a pair of baggy jeans and a wife beater on. He had a pink rose in his hand.


She looked at him and said, “ is that for me?”


“ Yes.”


“ What for?”


“ To cheer you up.”


“ That’s so sweet. All I need is for you to be here to make me happy.”


“ Oh really?” he said raising an eyebrow.


“ Yeah. Come in.”


She let him in and he looked around her apartment. It was light and airy. There was a lot of room for an apartment. He followed his gaze to a pair of French doors with dark purple curtains on it. He went over to them and opened the doors. There was a Queen bed in the middle of the room surrounded by windows. Her bed had a canopy on it that had dark purple and dark blue material hanging around it. It was very elegant.


Katie came up behind him and said, “ I see you’ve found my room.”


“ Oh yes. It’s beautiful.”


“ Thank you. I decorated it myself. You want me to show you around some more?”


“ Sure.” He followed her not wanting to take his eyes away from her room. She took him into the middle of the apartment. It was the living room. There was a big carpet set down on top of her wood floors. She had a lot of windows in here too. Next, was her kitchen. It was big and once again, bright and airy. Down the hallway, was a set of closed French doors. He walked in and was amazed.


She said, “ And this is my studio. This is where I spend most of my time. I can dance forever in here.”


He looked around the room. One wall had floor to ceiling mirrors. She had a big stereo sound system. He turned back to her and noticed the look of pride in her eyes.


He said, “ your apartment is beautiful.”


She smiled and said, “ I’m glad you like it. Do you want a drink?”


“ Sure.”


He followed her out into the kitchen. He sat down on a barstool while she got him a Coke. She immediately busied herself with washing the counter off. She knew the questions would come sooner or later. She just hoped it would be later.


“ Katie what’s wrong?” A.J. asked with concern evident in his eyes.


“ Nothing is wrong.”


“Then why did you want me to come over?”


“ To visit?”


“ Yeah, I’m sure.” He said with sarcasm in his voice.


She turned to him and said, “ Look, you were the one who ASSUMED there was something wrong.”


“ Yeah, because there is something wrong.”


She chose to ignore him and they fell into an uncomfortable silence.


He sighed and said, “ You know what I don’t get?”


“What?”


“ I don’t get why you have your guard up all of the time. You never let anyone know how you feel.” He paused and looked at her. She stayed silent so he continued, “ I mean, we’re all alone now, no one else is going to hear what you tell me. It’s just us.”


“ I know, but…”


“ But what? Are you afraid of me? Is that why you won’t confide in me? If so, there is nothing to be afraid of. All I want to do is help you. I know what you are going through.”


“ You don’t know shit about what I’m going through.” She yelled at him as she stormed away into the living room.


He followed her to where she now stood. He slowly walked up behind her and said, “ Okay, so maybe I can’t relate to everything you have experienced.’


“ You’re right there.” She turned around and said, “ What makes you think you can help me? Maybe I’m a lost soul.” She took a shaky breath and continued, “ Maybe there is no hope left for me.”


He took a step toward her and said, “ There is always help. You just have to look in the right places.”


“ I’ve tried talking to people. It just seems that no one is listening.”


“ I’m listening.”


“ You don’t count.”


“ Why?”


“ Because...because… you win.” She said putting her hands up in the air.


He smiled and looked at her. He said, “ So what seems to be the problem?”


She laughed and said, “I have no problems.”


“ The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.” Said A.J. pretending to be a counselor.


She just laughed and started to walk away. He said, “ It’s about your brother, isn’t it?”


She stopped dead in her tracks. He said, “ Look at me.”


She turned around, but she still didn’t look at him. He walked towards her until he could hug her if he wanted to. He lifted her head up gently with his fingers until she was at his eye level. She just stared at him. She reached up and gently took off his sunglasses and placed them on the coffee table. He looked surprised and then he regained his composure.


He led her to the couch and she said, “ I don’t want to sit here and pretend that nothing is wrong. If I did, I would be lying to you and myself. I’m just used to dealing with things on my own. No one was interested in helping me. They all thought that their problems were worse. No one seemed to have any time to listen to the ‘poor girl.’ No one acknowledged me in this city. When I went looking for a job, you guys were the first ones who even gave me a chance. As soon as they heard that my dad was drunk and I was beaten, they thought that I would turn out like that. A good for nothing piece of crap. You know what? I think I have. I’m no good to anyone.”


“ Hey, now. I care about you. I went home last night to find a message from Kevin. He wanted to know how you were doing. He said you were wonderful and that he had talked to Fatima and she loves you already. He told me to welcome you into the Backstreet family. Now, I think that your scared out of your mind and you don’t know what to expect. Am I right?”


“ Yeah.”


“ I think you’re also afraid to let down your guard to let people get to know the real you. You think they’ll hurt you if they find out the real you. I know what you’re going through. I’ve been through it myself. And Nick, he just got out of an abusive relationship. He knows what you’re going through too. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t stereotype people. Sometimes they’re not what they seem. Just trust me on this. All you have to do is trust me and I swear that I’ll get you through this. Now I know that you’re used to getting through things on your own. I think that this time you’ve bitten off more than you can chew.”


“ I guess you’re right. I mean everything you said makes sense. I just don’t know if I can do it. I’m afraid that I’ll let you guys down. I don’t want to take you down with me.”


“ You won’t. I promise.” A.J. said.


Just then, the phone rang. Katie answered, “ Hello.” There was a pause and she answered,


“ Oh, hey Josh. How are you doing?”


A.J. suddenly became interested and listened to her side of the conversation.


“ Um...I leave for Florida tomorrow morning, and I have a friend with me now, so I can’t go out tonight. How about I call you when I get home and we can set something up.”


“ Fine. I’ll call you in Florida.”


“ Yes, josh. I’ll miss you too. Bye.”




A.J. asked her, “ What was that all about?”


“ Oh, he was the guy I met last night. He wanted to take me out on a date.”


“ Oh.” He said sounding defeated.


“ Hey, that doesn’t mean I’ll go out with him. I’m not sure if I’m ready to get into a serious relationship yet. But when I know, you’ll be the first to know.”


“ Alright. It’s a deal. Now, back to your brother. What was his name?” he asked trying to remember.


“ His name was Chris. He looked a lot like me, but more muscular. He played every sport imaginable. He was four years older than me. Now that I think about it, he was one of the few people I trusted. He took care of me since I was 14. After our parents were gone, we sold the house and moved into an apartment. It was just the right size for us. He taught me how to cook. He was the one who first taught me how to dance. When I needed a dancing partner, he was always there. He built my first dancing studio.” She stopped to wipe the tears from her eyes, and continued, “ He was so kind. He loved to volunteer at animal shelters. When he died, he was on spring break. He would have graduated a month after he died. That was when I left town. On his graduation day. I couldn’t stand being in that town anymore. Everything reminded me of him, so I did the only thing I could. I left. The only thing I brought with me that reminded me of him were a bunch of pictures and home videos. I also brought some of his belongings with me.” She stopped again.


She finally said, “ I miss him so much, A.J. I miss having big brother Chris around the house. I miss everything that we used to do. I miss his voice, his laugh, and his smile. God, his smile. I don’t know what I’m going to do without him. He’ll never get to see me grow up. He always used to joke about how he was going to walk me down the aisle in jeans and a sweatshirt. He never liked to dress up. I told him as long as he would walk me down the aisle, I didn’t care what he wore. God, I miss him.” she couldn’t hold her emotions back any longer. She broke down in front of A.J. A.J. just hugged her until she stopped shaking.


He said, “ Honey, you have to calm down. I don’t want you to hyperventilate on me. Just take a deep breath.”


She took a deep breath, looked at him and said, “ I am so sorry. I didn’t mean it to come out. I just couldn’t take it anymore.”


“ It’s no problem. Sometimes you just need to cry in order to heal. It’s your own way of grieving and healing. Now, let’s order a pizza and talk some more.”


“ I don’t know, Aje. You have a habit of making me depressed.” She said.


“ I’ll try not to. I’m just trying to understand.”


“ I know you are, and I love you for it.” Said Katie.


“ Hey, I got an Idea. How about we have Nick come over. He could pick up the pizza for us.”


“ In that case, you’ll have to order two pizzas, especially if he is picking them up. We’ll be lucky if he comes back with one pizza.”


A.J. laughed and said, “ I’ll have to do that, and I’ll tell Nicky not to eat any before he gets here.”


“ Okay, but you call him. I’m not going to be the one who tells him he can’t eat the pizza.” She said laughing.


He threw a pillow at her and got up to call Nick and the pizza place.