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"Now what do we do?" Brian sighed, sinking down onto the couch, his hands raking through his hair. He looked up when he recieved no response, seeing Howie looking completely defeated as he stared out the window, a blank look written all over his features. "Howie, he didn't mean it."
"You really think so?" The older man said softly, turning to face Brian. "Cuz you said the same thing to Kev and that didn't go over very well."
"I," Brian began slowly, "I do. He's frustrated Howie, and scared."
"I know but that's no excuse!"
"No, it isn't." Brian nodded. "But, it is a reason." The Latino rubbed a hand over his face, letting out a long sigh.
"I suppose. But he still didn't have a right to say what he did. I mean, I'm NOT trying to make up for losing Caroline. I would never, ever...I mean, I..." Howie trailed off with a shake of his head. "I just don't want to lose anyone else I love."
"We all feel the same way D." Howie ignored the comment, crossing the room and picking up his coat.

"Where are you going?"
"I need to think. I'm gonna head home Bri. You gonna stay here?"
"No," Brian said after a moment of thinking. "I think I should go after Kevin." Howie frowned at the suggestion, pulling on his jacket slowly. "You think that's a good idea?"
"Probably not." A weak smile passed over Brian's features as he shrugged, getting to his feet. "But I think it will be in the long run. Besides, there's no point in waiting around here. I think Jay's got things under control with Frack."
"Shouldn't we tell him we're going at least?" Brian shook his head.
"I don't want to interrupt them. It'll be fine."
"I guess." Howie sighed, heading towards the door. "Since when did AJ take over the job of lecturing Nicky anyways?" Brian smiled softly, his eyes meeting Howie's sadly, "Since he realized if he doesn't do it now, he may never get the chance to."

~~~~~

Kevin wasn't paying attention to where he was going as he drove, his mind occupied with everything Nick had said. A loud honk made him jump and he swerved the car back into the correct lane, completely unaware that he had been drifting between the two.
"Shit." He hissed, his heart racing as he took the first exit he could, finding himself along the coast line. Pulling off to the side, he shut the car off, slumping against the steering wheel with a large sigh. Deep down, he knew Nick hadn't meant any of the things he had said but that didn't stop the hurt he was feeling. Sitting back, he sat there for a moment before grabbing a hat from the back seat, throwing it on and opening the car door, stepping from the vehicle and slamming the door shut. A cool sea breeze immediately embraced him and he took in a deep breath, spying a small path leading to the beach and taking it quickly. He found the beach deserted and sank down innto the sand, bringing his knees up to his chest and taking in a deep breath.

"Hey Dad." Kevin whispered, glancing at the sky. "I hope things are going well for you." The breeze around him increased ever so slightly and a small smile graced Kevin's features. "That's good. Things aren't going so well for us down here. You remember how I told you Nicky has cancer? Well, things are getting more and more difficult." He stopped for a moment, listening to the ocean water hitting the shore, the seagulls and the wind across the water. "I don't know Dad. I keep trying to help him but he keeps pushing us away. And then today....he just, het got so angry. He blamed us for his suffering because we want him to continue on the chemo treatments. He said I was trying to save him because I couldn't save you." A small laugh slipped out of Kevin and he shrugged, pushing the sand back and forth with his foot. "Maybe it's true. It's just the thought of losing Nicky...god," A sob escaped from Kevin and he shook his head. "I already lost you! I can't lose him too. I can't....I'm not that strong." He began to cry as he spoke, his form shaking. "I-I almost lost Brian, we came close to losing AJ...and now Nicky? Oh god, Daddy...I-I can't go through this again...I miss you so much! I need you...I can't do this alone. I'm not this strong." He cried, rocking back and forth as he wept. "Oh god, I'm not this strong...."

~~~~~~~

"Nicky," AJ sighed as he scooted closer to his younger friend. "I know you're t-"
"No," Nick snapped softly, shaking his head. "You don't know. None of you do. You don't know how it feels."
"How what feels buddy?" The rebel coaxed, trying desperately to get Nick to open up. Nick shot AJ a look, rolling his eyes as he threw out his arms, "This!" He gestured to himself, "This shitty, broken, sorry excuse for a human being I've become. You don't know how it feels! I-I'm literally, so sick of being sick...I-I can't do ANYTHING! I can't swim, I can't go out on my boat, I can't eat the foods I want to, I can't even fucking play video games beacause the motions make me sick to my stomach!"
"But if you continue with everything, there's gonna be a time when you can do all that again."

"When?!" Nick demanded, shutting his eyes roughly before blinking them open, trying to keep his tears back. God was he sick of crying. "When? In like a year or two? I've been doing all this for 6 months now. Half a fucking year! And barely anything is changing! I mean, for every goddamn tumor that goes away, another one fucking appears. I can't DO this anymore!"
"You've got to try Nick. For-"
"For what AJ? For you? For Brian, Kevin and Howie? For the fans? For my family, who doesn't even really give a shit? For myself?"
"Nick-"
"Because I don't think those are good enough reasons."

"Excuse me?" AJ began, his brown eyes going wide. "Wait a minute, you mean to tell me we're not a good enough reason for you to keep fighting? I mean, damn Nick, do we mean that little to you?" Nick fell silent at the question, his eyes dropping to the floor. "Oh okay, I see how it is. Well then fuck you too Carter. Maybe it would be better for you to just crawl back into your pity hole and die. I think we'd all be better off anyways." The youth's eyes snapped to AJ, his mouth dropping open.
"You don't mean that." He whispered, cocking his head to the side as he stared at his older friend. Aj shrugged, getting to his feet and stuffing his hands into his pocket. "You tell me." Nick let out a long sigh, his eyes sweeping over the older man.

"I'm an asshole."
"Yeah." The rebel nodded. "You are. And you've got a lot of ass kissing to do with Kevin, Howie and Brian you know. Everything you said was completely uncalled for. I mean, do you really blame us for everything Nicky?"
"Yes and no." Nick said quietly. "Kinda. It's just...there have been so many times when I just want to throw in the towel, you know? And then I look at Frick or Kev or D or you and I see how much this is hurting you all and I can't stand the idea of making you hurt more. But god, I'm so tired of all this AJ. It'd be so much easier to just give up. So much easier."
"I thought you said we weren't good enough reasons." A small smile was pulling at AJ's features as he gently kicked Nick's legs, "Hmmm?"
"You know I didn't mean it."
"You need to stop saying the shit you don't mean Carter. It's gonna keep getting you in trouble."
"I'm always in trouble."
"My point exactly." AJ smiled, extending a hand to Nick. "C'mon, you need to do some apologizing."
"I'm sorry AJ." Aj rolled his eyes, shaking his head.
"Not to me dumbass. I know to just ignore you when you throw your little hissy fits." Nick frowned, and took AJ's hand, slowly getting to his feet, and brushing off his pants. The older man simply chuckled, making his way towards the door.

"I do not throw h-" He stopped short in the middle of his retort when a sharp pain sliced through his chest, a muted gasp tumbling away from his lips as his eyes went wide. "Jay..." He choked out, his voice barely above a whisper. "Oh god..."
"Nick would you hurry the hell up?" AJ was demanding, his back to his friend as he slid open the door. "Where the hell did everyone go?" He let out an impatient sigh as he turned back around, "Maybe into the ktichen or something....Nicky?" He frowned as he spotted the younger man, "What's the matter?"
"I-I...it hurts...I..." Nick was gasping, his head spinning. He felt as though he was suffocating, the pain in chest like nothing he had ever experienced before. It tore through him repeatedly, his body shaking. The youth felt his legs give out from under him, not even noticing the startled cry that fell away from AJ as he ran and caught the younger man, trying to hold them both steady.

"Nicky? Oh god...what's wrong? Shit!" The older man's eyes were as wide as they could go as he looked at his youngest friend, watching as he gasped for breath, his face sweaty and pale. Nick didn't even hear AJ screaming, a rushing sound in his ears as everything blurred together before him, darkness dancing around the edges of his vision. He could feel himself slipping, feel himself falling. AJ was almost in complete panic as he dropped to his knees under the weight, watching in horror as Nick's eyes slipped shut, his chest barely rising as he went limp. "Nick! Oh shit! Nick! Wake up!" He was slapping the sides of Nick's face to no avail, "Nick!! God, don't DO this! Nick!! KEVIN! KEVIN HELP ME! BRIAN! HOWIE! SOMEONE HELP!!!" AJ was screaming, his cries falling deaf on all ears, simply echoing throughout the empty house.