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"Shit." The word slipped from between AJ's lips at an octave that was barely above a breath, his chocolate eyes going wide as he stood, rooted to his spot, trying to take in the atmosphere around him. The room itself was stark white, the hospital bed placed stratigically in the center. Two chairs sat in opposite corners, hidden slightly by the shadows created by the tightly shut blinds. Sunlight barely crept between their creveces, almost as if it wasn't allowed inside the room. Nick's still form lay stretched upon the bed, a blanket tucked almost too neatly around him, his arms lying on top of the fabric, IV lines darting in and out of his skin. Nick's head was propped up ever so slightly by a pillow, his normally rosy complextion looking pale against the crisp white sheets.

It took AJ a moment before he actually moved closer, feeling intimadated next to all the machines. A long tube snaked it's way down Nick's throat as his chest rose and fell rythmically with the beeping of the machine next to it. The rebel's eyes flittered to the heart montior, watching the lines jolt up and down regularly, giving him the smallest ounce of comfort. "Jesus Nick..." Reaching down hesitantly, AJ brushed his fingers against Nick's hand, almost recoiling at how cold the youth's skin was. This wasn't Nick. It couldn't be.

Reaching a hand up, he tugged on his cap, messing with it for a moment as he tried to control his emotions. "Fuck, Nicky, I suck at this, you know?" AJ retreated to one of the corners for a moment, grabbing a chair and dragging it over next to the bed. With a small sigh, he picked up Nick's hands, holding it gently. "I feel like a dumb ass holding your hand you know. " A small smiled cracked onto AJ's features before disappearing almost as quickly as it had came. "Anyways, like I said...dude, god, I suck at this. I mean, I want to sit here and tell you all the mushy things that Kev and Rok and D are gonna tell you but I can't. I just," He trailed off with a long sigh and shrugged. "I want to believe you're gonna be just fine, you know? I do. It's just there's so much shit stacked against you. Fuck Nicky, I know I never say it but damn, I-I really do love you so much, I mean, you're the only baby bro I got. And I don't want to lose you. God, I don't want to lose you..."

A soft knock on the door snapped him out of his thoughts as he lifted his head to see who was now opening the door and peeking in. “Are you okay, Alex? You’ve been here for almost forty minutes or so..” the Kentuckian asked as he walked in. A.J. let go of Nick’s hand, feeling ashamed all of a sudden. He didn’t know what it was, but something about his friend irritated him at this point, so he stood up and walked past him, murmering that Nick was allowed to have only one visitor at a time. Brian watched him leave the room, knowing it was best to let him go. For now, he obviously needed to be alone.

He turned around and walked up to the bed, staring at his best friend in disbelief. He wasn’t expecting him look fantastic as if nothing was wrong, but the way he looked now. It was like his soul had already left his body. It wasn’t his Frack who was lying in the hospital bed, nothing about him looked familiar. Ofcourse his appearance was the same, but still.. Nick always slept with his face buried in his pillow, while he hugged another. He never lay still too. When they still slept in bunks in the tourbus and he was in the bunk below the youngest, it drove Brian crazy that Nick would never ever lay still for more than ten minutes. And now, he was surrounded by machines beeping every second, his skin was a light shade of gray and he lay so still that he wanted to shake him to see if he was still alive, to bring back the friend he missed so much.

As he sat down on the chair A.J. sat on only a few minutes before, his thoughts went back to when things weren’t this complicated. When Nick was just a healthy, goofy kid who came up with crazy ideas, dumb questions and silly remarks. He still said stupid things, but everything else was different. The looks they gave each other, filled with helplessness and sadness, the pats on the back, the hugs, nothing was the same. And still, Nick managed to lighten up the spirit every once in a while.
Even when throwing up all day long, he never lost his sense of humor which had helped them all to cope with his illness. Now Brian realized that most of the time Nick was pulling THEM through instead of the other way around. “No wonder he yelled at us the other day,” he softly said to himself. “You must’ve been exhausted from trying to keep yourself AND us from falling apart. I’m so sorry Nicky.. I want to fight for you.. I just don’t know how..”

~~~

He knew it would be the last time he’d see him, and still he didn’t want to approach him. The others didn’t press on, knowing this was only his decision and they could not force him into doing this. Last time he saw him, he had just regained consciousness.They talked about the outburst, he apologized to the others and he even made fun of Brian’s outfit, who looked like he had joined G-Unit, wearing wite sweatpants, a huge hooded sweater and a cap to top it off. Things almost seemed normal, except for the fact that Nick was coughing like crazy and he fell asleep quite a few times in the middle of conversation. Then out of nowhere, he went into cardiac arrest, causing the machines to make a deafening sound. A few seconds later two nurses and Dr. Peterson stormed in and the four men were all told to leave his room. They did as they were told and waited outside in the hallway, praying for the life of their little brother, but it was to no avail.

And now here he was, standing only a few steps away from his coffin. They found out that Nick had already arranged everything, from the music he wanted played to the inscription he wanted engraved in the headstone. He had asked them to carry him from the church to the graveyard, something he knew he’d do, since it was the last thing he could do for his little brother.

Behind him, Brian, Kevin and Howie were crying their eyes out. The strongest was now the weakest of the four. Cancer took his little brother from this earth and he hadn’t been able to prevent it from happening, something he could not handle after all they had been through. Brian, Frick without his Frack, A.J. knew he’d never be the same goofy guy ever again now he lost his partner in crime. And Howie, he looked like he could fall apart any second, trembling all over and a distant look on his face as the tears kept running down.

As he took a step forward, he heard a cellphone go off, which made him angry as hell. There was nothing more disrespectful than answering a call during a funeral and he turned around to see whose phone it was, knowing he’d go over to him or her and smash the thing into a hundred pieces. It kept ringing though, and nobody responded to the sound. The others didn’t even turn their head to see what was going on, but kept their gaze on Nick. Then all of a sudden, A.J. realized it was his own cellphone that kept ringing and ringing..