There were no other words to describe the feeling that Nick felt. He had been sleeping on and off the whole day and was fed up with feeling like shit.
Patience had never been his strong side and he had a hard time sitting still, not doing anything. He had always something on his mind and was occupied with doing something. Even if it was scribbling on a note or bouncing with his leg up and down.
Recently, however, there had been a feeling of exhaustion washed over him. He blamed it on being toured out and on his health that had been playing tricks with him.
First a cold and then the mumps.
Nick sighed. The clock on the bedtable read 5:35 pm and there were still no sign of the guys. Not even a telephone call. The phone had been so quiet during this trip that Nick had started to wonder if his friends had forgotten him.
Generally he was a person that lived with the mobile, but lately his friends had been rather invisible. Not that he had the energy to go out partying so much anyway due to the poor health that he had beenexperiencing the last week. Nick groaned. Life really sucked.
He had actually begged off some partys recently and the alleged drug rumor couldnīt be more off. Okay, he had never been a saint, never claiming to be the perfect boy either, but there was no truth in that he was using drugs. He only smoked some pot when he was feeling upset about something. It calmed his nerves. As if things hadnīt been bad enough his mother had called too. And she was so upset and angry that he thought that she would break his eardrums with the screaming. Hadnīt there been enough with testing on their relationship?
His mother had always tried to control him, and even if he was twenty one years old and considered an adult she still held him in a tight grip. Nick had never lived a real family life and he had missed his family so much during his touring, especially when he was younger. It was more than one night that he had cried himself to sleep, being homesick. Yet when he came home there had never been the warmth in his family. They had always been too busy with the younger children. Nick felt like an outsider. He was the big famous brother that his mother was proud of in front of others, but that wasnīt enough when he was alone with her. She had always an opinion on how he looked, what he did and what he said. It was never good enough for her.
Deep inside he knew that she cared for him. She just had a strange way in showing it to him. To the press and to the management he was always her loving son and she bragged about him. Offstage he was a pain in the butt that couldnīt do anything right.
When the family had moved to Los Angeles to be near the action, Nick had felt left out. He wanted to stay in Tampa where he had all his friends and he wanted to live near the ocean. Then he had bought a house in Los Angeles, just to be close to them. But he had never liked it there. It was way too lonely and whenever he came home during his breaks they had never any time ever for him. Nick was all alone.
His little brother Aaron was enjoying success and Nick cared so much about him. They had always been inseperable. What had Nick upset was that he noticed that his mother and father was trying to control Aaron's life as well. When he had went on tour with Aaron this summer he had taken up this with his family. They had gone mad at him, telling him to mind his own business and not to be jealous on his own brother for being so much more good looking, young and slim. She also told him that Aaron was everything that Nick could never be!
At first Nick had gone quiet, the words had hurt too much to deal with, then he had taken Aaron's side. The reason for Nick's action was that his mother and father and the manager didnīt see how worn out Aaron was. He had been so tired after an show, batteling a bug as well and he had been told to go to the meet and greet. Aaron had cried, wanting to beg it off since it was late and he was dead on his feet.
Nickīs temper had flared and he had told his parents how they used his little brother and then he had left in an cloud of emotions. That night Nick had drowned his sorrows in a bottle of Jack Daniels.
There had been lots of fights over the years. As soon as he went home there had been a fight and this was the main reason why Nick sold the house in LA. He hated the way she made him feel. He felt like a small child, starting to stutter. She controlled him as well as his assests. It wasnīt until he had turned legal age he was allowed to take care of his own money and this had Jane very upset. She claimed that alot of his fortune was beacuse of her and she wanted him to give her and the family the half of his money.
To tell the truth he had nothing against giving away half of his money, it had been the way that his mother had acted and Nick had responded with being obnoxious. He had told her that he was sick of being controlled. She had told him that he was a big failure and that he was never ever going to be anything but a BIG fake. Nick had left the house, being very upset. This had resulted that he hadnīt spoken to his family for 3 months and his lawyer had done all his talking.
They would have still been in a fight if not Aaron hadnīt called him. Saying that he longed for him and begging Nick to come back. All the time the Carter family had acted like there was nothing wrong. Nick had gone back, but deep in his heart he knew that his mom would never accept him for the person that he was. And he was right.
Not long after he started coming back to the family, Jane had started to complain about his weight and that he started to look like a bum. She was constantly picking at his eating habits and he started to eat even more to bug her out.
That was Nick, doing the other way around just to make a statement. Just like he had done the other day at the tv-show. And always he was the one that got caught in the middle and the one that took the hit.
Fuck. The more Nick thought about it, the more his life sucked.
After tossing and turning for awhile, trying to find a comfortable spot, he decided that he had to do something or else he would go crazy. Picking up his laptop, he went online.
He checked on some music pages before he typed the url to the backstreet sites. Sometimes he stalked the pages, checking out what the fans thought about them and reading reviews. Sometimes he also went to their own homepage and checked out the message board. Then there were times when he was on the chat too. This was a time like this.
Usually he never told them who he was. It was much more fun to read what the fans thought about the guys without him revealing his own identity. Besides when he told them who he was they rarely believed him anyway. This time however he was lurking for a while, checking out their topics. They were discussing him and Nick watched curiously.
The fans were ranting about his alleged drug abuse and he frowned when some of them actually thought that he was doing hard stuff like cocaine. They had discussed it for a while when they came on to another topic: His weight.
The more Nick read on, the more he felt bad. Several of the fans thought that he looked fat. Especially on the Japan tour. He couldnīt write them and tell them that he had the mumps. Way too embarrassing, besides they wouldnīt believe him. After lurking for awhile he decided to reaveal his own identity. He got the courage up when one of the fans told that she tought that Nick could go and fuck his dog because she evidentally thought he was way too ugly.
"That's not a nice way of talking about someone," Nick typed and immediately got a response that he basically should mind his own business.
As always there were fans not believing who he was. Several of fans ignored him and continued to discuss his weight as well as the size of his cock. This had Nick stressed out. Not only had his headache start to flare up, but watching their so called fans discussing his body parts in a very graphic way had him in for a fit.
" I donīt like it when you are discussing such private matters," he wrote angrily, still trying to be polite.
No action was taken and they continue the topic as well as bashing Nick out. Then it the end Nick got so mad that he wrote " Fuck off" and then he turned off the computer.
Everybody was against him. Angry he threw a pillow against the door. He hated the whole world. Wanted all to get off his case and stop treating him like some fucking sex object.
It sucked being Nick Carter!
