It was a humid and sunny morning in Tampa, Florida, but Nick didnīt pay any attention to this since he was walking toward his own doom. It was the first day of his radiation treatment and he felt all jittery and nervous. It had been 2 days since he had gotten his death sentence; and he had dealt with it in the worst possible way by getting drunk. Drunk out off his ass.
He hadnīt called any of the guys or his family to tell them the news. They had enough trouble on their own and he didnīt need to add more problems to that. He was use to taking care of his own business. Ever since he moved out from his family at age 19, he was used to standing on his own feet. Besides what could they do if they knew? Not very much. His life was left in the hands of fate. But one thing was sure - he intended to battle this disease and he would win!
Putting on a cap and dark sunglasses, he hurried towards the elevator and press the button to his floor. As the car came he noticed that it was filled with people and Nick instantly regretted his choice of transportation. Not that he was claustrophobic. No, he was more likely afraid that he would get noticed. The press was the last that he wanted to know about this nuisance. Nick stood as far away as he could from the crowd, trying to act like he was cool and nothing was wrong. As the car reached his level he thought about an escape. In his mind he had repeated it over and over again, 'No Nick, this can't be happening. Itīs just a dream.' But now he was standing here and it was far from an dream. It was reality.
When the elevator bell rang as the door opened to his level, he hesitated a second before going outside. It felt like they were all staring at him since it was pretty obvious what he was there for. After all this was the oncology section and that could only mean one thing - Cancer! As he stepped outside he heard one small girl uttering to her mother, "Is this where people that are very sick is? You know before they die?" The girls mother hushed her daughter down, but the words were burnt into his mind. Was this the end?
Nick tried to sharpen his posture as he walked towards the frosted glass doors. With shaky hands he rang the door bell, waiting for someone to come and opened up. He had to stealth himself so that he wouldnīt turn around and run away from the whole situation. Escaping was part of his life and that was something he had done in so many ways. So many years. This time he was determinded to go through with it all. Escape was not an option.
The handle was pulled down and a woman, dressed in a white coat opened the door. "Yes?" she said as Nick coughed, trying to clear his voice.
"I..I..have an appointment..hrm..radiation." Nick wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans.
The woman smiled friendly. "You are welcome to come in," letting him inside. The moment Nick stepped into the waiting room he felt his throat constrict, feeling like he couldnīt breathe. The nurse noticed this and she grabbed his arm, gently, "Your name is?"
"Carter...Nickolas Carter." Nick swallowed hard, closing his eyes momentarily. Scanning the room he notice that it didnīt look too formal. There were a group of sofas beside the window and then there was a nurses station in the middle of the room. Green plants were softening up the room. So this was going to be his home for the upcoming months?
"Very well Mr. Carter, you can sit down here and wait," she motioned towards the sofas. "Dr. Andersen will see you in a moment." With that she picked up his journals, walking down the hallway she stopped infront of a white door, placing it in the mail rack outside a white door.
He felt like he was on autopilot as he moved over to sit down on the blue sofa. Everything felt surreal.
How could he Nick Carter be here in a waiting room?
Getting radiation treatment?
For Cancer?
It was like an nightmare. An nightmare that he had no one to share with. Coughing nervously, he looked at the two other people that were occupying the sofas. Opposite him an elderly man with grey sideburns sat, flipping through the magazine, as he was making small talk to the other person in the room. A girl.
Figures, Nick thought as he adjusted his cap. What if this was a fan and she would recognize him? What if she went on to the internet, telling everybody that she met Nick Carter at the hospital. At the oncology ward.
Then his ass would be fried. That was for sure. It would make one hell of a story. The press would gloat. No one would buy his solo album. Ok they would buy it, but just out of pity. And they could kiss the next Backstreet Boys album goodbye too since Nick knew that if this came out to the guys they wouldnīt allow him to do any recording. And then he would disappoint his fans, and the guys and his family. That was a burden that he didnīt think that he could bear right now. Instead it was better to keep his mouth shut. After all what you donīt know wonīt hurt you, right?
The girl smiled and he returned it briefly. She looked like she was in her late teens, a few years younger than him. She had very nice features and her eyes was as brown as chocoloate. But it wasnīt her good looks that attracted his attention. It was that she was wearing a red bandana on her head, indicating that she was bald underneath. Involuntarily he flinched, feeling his own head. If the girl saw this she paid no notice about it and Nickīs face grew red from embarressment. She just smiled and then said, "First time?" The man with the magazine looked up, expectantly for an moment.
Nick didnīt know what to say so he just nodded.
" Donīt worry, it will be just fine," she said lightly. Then she stretched her tan hand towards him, "Iīm Julie, you?"
Nick didnīt know what to say. Did he dare to say his name? He swallowed nervously, " Nick." Watching for any sign of recognition he felt an mix between relief and surprise when there was none. Didnīt she know who he was?
" Cool," the girl said, nodding towards the man with the sideburns. " This is Charles."
The man smiled, " Julie, I can introduce myself. " He stretched out his hand, " Charles, Charles McDurry."
" Nick Carter," He waited one more time to see if there were any reaction and when there was none he felt safe. Either they didnīt know who he was or they didnīt care. Even if he was feeling bad, there were some strange comfort sitting here, talking to people that were going through the same as he was. There were no need to explain anything. It felt good.
They small talked for a while. That was Julie and Charles talked. Nick listened. He was much too engrossed in the whole situation.
" What are you here for?" Julie suddenly blurted out.
Nick tensed.
Charles looked at Julie's way, shaking his head, but she continued like if they had been talking about the weather or something else. Like music taste. " You know what cancer do you have?"
Nick didnīt know what to answer. What was she talking about? He didnīt have cancer. Did he?
" Eh..uh.." He couldnīt bare himself to say out to words so he ended up stuttering instead.
" I have a brain tumor, have been through radiation and chemo. Yup I will soon glow in the dark," She giggled.
Nick looked at her, amazed.
Here she was talking about her cancer like it was one of the most natural things that was happening.
" How long have you been sick?" she continued and to that he didnīt know what to answer. How long had he been sick? And was he really sick?
" Iīve had this for 2 years," she said and Nick could detect an hint of pain. He felt unsure and fidgeted nervously on the seat. She kept talking for a while, but to tell the truth he felt actually good when his name was being called by the nurse that had met him at first.
" Mr. Carter, Dr. Andersen is free to see you now."
" Ok," he nodded, standing up, afraid that he would pass out if he took another step.
He had never liked hospitals. It always made him feel so at unease. He didnīt do sick people very well and during that time when Brian had been into heart surgery he tried to find up thousand excuses for not coming to the hospital. Brian had accepted them, without questioning him. He knew that Nick felt bad when he was in a hospital environment. Once Brian had told him that it was because he was such a sensitive guy and that he was always feeling so much. He was kind of taking others feelings on himself. Now he was starting to think that it might be true. He had an knack in feeling other peoples pain and not very good at dealing with it either.
There were so many different feelings runninng inside him. Feelings that had him all fucked up. This place really scared him. It felt clinical even if there were really nice furnitures and colors. It breathed sickness and death! How someone like Julie could be so happy even if she had a brain tumor was a riddle for him. Someone that had cancer was suppose to be sick and really depressed. That he had heard of. But it didnīt apply to him since he wasnīt having any real cancer. Non Hodgkins disease was something else. Wasnīt it?
