”Will it hurt?” Nick asked as the nurse drew an injection to put into the IV that was running through the infusiaport.
“No,” the nurse shook her head, “there will be a warm sensation as I give you this injection but youīll get used to it.” She gave Nick a wide smile.
“Okay,” He sighed deeply. He felt scared and it hadnīt helped that he had eyed through those pamplets during the night when he had been much too restless to fall asleep.
The nurse sensing his fears, patted him on his shoulder. ”This will go just fine.”
She reassured him that he would survive. Nick, however, had his own doubts. According to the pamplet he would suffer from all sorts of nasty side effects and this was not something that he wanted to through. It was enough that the cancer caused him to feel ill. Would the treatment do the same to him?
“How long will it take?” he asked as she was preparing him for his first session.
“It varies. Usually around three to four hours. It depends on what cocktail youīre receiving.
Cocktail, Nick thought gloomily. When he would be able to joy such a drink again he didnīt know. Not that he longed after getting drunk. There were so many nicer issues in life to take into consideration. The cocktail that the nurse was referring to was all sorts of chemotherapy medication. Dr. Andersen had explained carefully about the purpose of this and how the different meds had effect towards each other. It was a whole science getting into this situation.
“Well Nick are you ready?” she asked as she injected him with the first shot into the IV bag. Nick lay back in the chair as he felt the warm, tingling sensation in his body. It was just temporary and when the nurse was done she said, “Would you like to listen to some music? Read something?
“Yeah do you have Linkin Park?” Nick asked with a slight grin. To his surprise the nurse nodded and after searching in a drawer she put the cd in the system, handing him a pair of headphones. Nick closed his eyes as the welcoming tunes of the rock group filled his ears. Music had always served as a relaxation, taking away disturbing thoughts.
As the chemo medication dripped into the infusiaport through the IV line Nick felt more and more restless. He had only been sitting here for less than half an hour and he was already tired of it. Thinking about that he would have to do this for weeks had him shivering. The nurse who was in the room instantly picked up this.
“Are you cold?” she asked as she walked over to him, and felt his cheek.
“No,” Nick said silently, “I'm just sick and tired of sitting here.”
“Oh, I see.” A brief pause, “You want something to read?”
“Nah, Iīm fine.” And bored, Nick thought with a sigh. He could swear that there was a hint of sadness in the nurse's eyes as she gave him a short glance.
“You want something to drink?”
Nick shook his head, “I'm cool.”
“Very well then, I will go and do some things and than I will be back. Call me if you need anything.”
“Sure.” Nick wasnīt very talkative. The feelings were so mixed that he couldnīt understand them at all. Bending over he picked up his sportsbag and started searching in it. As he withdrew his hand he pulled up the an envelope. It was THE envelope that he had avoided the longest. Now it was time to deal with it.
Shuddering he pulled out the Patient Advocate papers and read through it. In the form it said that he should assign someone to be close to him and he thought about his parents. But then he knew that it would never work out. He had not told them anything mainly beacuse he didnīt know what to say. The past several years had been a bit rough on their relationship and when Nick had moved back to Florida it had been frosty, very frosty for almost a year. Jane had never liked Manda either and during their relationship there had been many fights. There was not a chance that he would tell his parents about the cancer. Not now anyway. After talking to Brian he had decided to wait until he saw how the chemo would work.
This had him make his decision, Brian Littrell would be his patient advocate. As he answered the questions it was slowly dawning on him. This was reality. He had cancer and the more he thought about it the more scared he became. Scared that the chemo wouldnīt work, scared for the side effects like if he would loose his hair. Scared that he would die....
He was so engrossed in the paper and this thoughts that it didn't register when the door opened and someone came into the room.
“Hi Nick,” a female voice said and Nick almost jumped ten feet.
“Hi..Hi,” he hesitated before he saw who it was. Julie. A smile lit up his face. Julie was the girl that he had come to get to know during his bouts with the radiation treatments. They had often met in the waiting room and one occasion they had even gone down to the cafeteria for a cup of coffee. It had been a brief visit since Nick was afraid that someone would recognize him. Almost magically no one had come up to them. Julie was a great listener and she was the only one that understood what he was going through. After all she had cancer too and she recognized everything.
“Am I disturbing you?”she asked as she walked inside.
“No, not at all.” Nick set down the papers on the side table and then motioned towards the small chair, “Sit down.”
“Okay,” Julie did as she was told and he eyed her up and down. She had attractive feature and the only thing that revealed the sickness was the red bandana she wore. Silently he thought about how she had looked before she lost her hair. Was she a brunette, blonde, red head or??
“What are you thinking about?” She looked at him and he blushed slightly.
“Oh nothing.”
“Aha, how are you feeling?”
Nick thought for a while, feeling in every limb, “Pretty good,” he concluded. This had him a bit surprised since he was sure that the chemo would make him feel like crap.
“Good." She was more silent than he had ever seen her and he wanted to know what was the matter with her. He didnīt have to wait long until she told him what she had on her mind.
“They have taken some tests on me today.” Nick felt his heart jump.
“Why? Are you sick?” He wanted to slap himself, mentally. How could he ask a cancer patient if she was sick??? Was he stupid?
“I donīt know,” she answered truthfully. ”I will meet my doctor next week when he will tell me the results.”
“Oh!”
“Hopefully it's nothing.”
“Yeah probably.” Nick took her hand briefly, squeezing it. His heart hurt when he saw her green eyes filled with tears. When will this ever stop? Wanting to cheer her up he said, “Do you like the ocean?”
“You're kidding me, right?”
“Huh?” Shit, Nick thought, here I find a girl that I kind of like and then she doesnīt like the same thing as me. Oh well she might have some other qualities.
“I love it! “
At first he didnīt catch what she said but as it was clearing he wanted to scream from joy. This was too good to be true! "Aww cool, then you might wanna come with me on my boat this weekend. In marathon.” Say yes he silently begged.
“That would be totally awesome!” She was smiling widely and he felt all warm in his body when he looked at her. This girl was special and he was becoming more and more attracted to her.
“Brian, are you sure that it will be ok?” Leighanne said worridely as they stepped onto the elevator. She was hugging his arm tightly and he patted comforting on her hand.
“Yes honey, it will be just fine. Trust me.” He was trying to sound cheerful but the truth was that he didnīt know how Nick would react. His friend was never predictable and the reaction that could come could be anything from being totally mad to being relieved. Living without knowing anything for sure came with the territory of knowing Nick. As a reward life was never dull around Frack.
“I hope so.” Leighanne bit her lip nervously and then smiled to the old lady standing beside them in the elevator. The woman looked at them and then she returned the smile, “Havenīt I met you somewhere?” she asked after few moments.
“Donīt think so,” Brian said as he hoped, no begged that the woman wouldnīt recognize them.
“Ye..yes,,let me see,” the woman was searching for words, “Now I know..arenīt you..those..that..singer..what is the groups name?” The woman was looking for words and Brian wished that they would be at their floor. Just right now.
“My granddaughter loves you,” she continued and Brian fidgeted nervously. “What was that bands name..I dont know..yes..itīs.”
Ok here it comes Brian thought, just waiting for the big explosion. Now it would soon be out to the world. The woman would tell her granddaughter that she had met them in an elevator at the hospital and then the girl would tell it to someone and finally it would be out on the net and then in the end the press would find out and start doing research and then it would all be out.
“Itīs Nīsync!”
“Ok..oh..” The relief he felt was immense. Leighanne started to giggle and he had to hit her, gently so she wouldnīt reveal their identity. Finally the car stopped and they said goodbye to the woman and left it. Brian remembered the first time he was standing infront of the glass doors, accompanied Nick to the radiation. It felt like ages yet it was less than a week ago. What a week!
“Maybe I should have waited at Nickīs house.” Leighanne was starting to have cold feet.
“No honey, you will do just fine.” Brian encouraged her.
“Well..I donīt know..wha..”
“Stop it, come on now. If Nick gets mad it is me he should be blame, not you.” He ushered his wife infront of him. The moment they set their foot inside the waiting room they saw their friend. He was talking to the girl that Brian had met a few times before and they seemed to be engrossed in some kind of conversation. Relief washed over him when he saw that Nick appeared to be feeling fine.
“Hello Dude,” he greeted and Nick turned his head towards him.
“He..” the word froze as Leighanne was spotted, “Hi Leighanne.”
“Nick,..oh.Nick,” Leighanne said with tears stuck in her throat and she hurried over and gave him a big hug.
There was no immediate response.Turning to Brian he said with a mix of defeat and hurt, “I guess you already told her." Leighanne let go of her grip like she had burned herself. Instead she sat down a bit away.
Brian looked down. “Eh..yeah..you know..I coul..”
“Donīt,” Nick cut him off, “Itīs ok..really.”
The words nearly made the Kentuckian choke. Did Nick just say that it was ok?
“Iīll guess that this is too big of a thing to keep away from your wife.” The young man turned to Brian's wife, “Leigh,” he said.
“Yes?” She fidgeted in the seat. What would happen? Would Nick scold her?
“I can really use that hug now.” He smiled.
“Oh, ok.” Leighanne smiled back as she stood up and gave her husbands little brother a big and warm hug. “Nick Iīm here for you. You know that? Right?” she whispered into his ear.
“Thanks.” He meant it.
Brian was totally amazed over what he was hearing. Something most have happen! Normally Nick would not be so calm over such a event. Julie had to be the girl behind it all. That was for sure.
