”Who invented these stupid things?” Nick growled as he tried to fix his tie. Not making a good knot he yanked at the fabric, desperately trying to get out of the snarl. “I hate it!!” Brian, sat on the couch watching the scenario with certain amusement. His friend was rather hot headed, especially when it came to practical things.
“You need any help?” Leighanne asked as she came out from the kitchen, wiping her hands off on her pants. She walked up to Nick with an attempt to help him out when he shrugged away.
“NO!, I can do it,dammit” Irritation was evident and this made Brian smile even larger.
“Yeah it certainly looks like it.”
Nick responded with a glare, before he went into fulfilling his task. When it didnīt work out he tore the hated clothing off his neck in anger. “Fuck, I canīt even do something as simple as this,” he yelled.
The smile faded suddenly on Brian's face as he saw Nick sinking on the couch, hands covering his face. “Iīm so tired,” he whispered with a weak voice. He had chemo earlier in the day and this time it had taxed him out completely. The strange thing was that it varied each day how he would react to the treatment. Some days he felt like a million bucks, other days so shitty that he was sure that he was looking death in itīs eye. Today was such a day.
Tiredness wasnīt all he was sufferering from. A nasty mouthsore had flared up inside his mouth and made it hard for him to eat or drink anything. He was suppose to rinse it out with some medication, but so far it had done nothing from him. Heīd also been getting bad ass cramps all day long and he feared that an upset stomach was starting to make life tough for him again.
Yet he had to bare it since he was going out to dinner with Julie. The two of them had more and more started to see each other and Nick was starting to think that he had actually fallen for her. How Julie felt he didnīt know since she had showed no apparent interest in him other than as a friend. It would be so typical. When he finally fell for someone they just wanted to be friends. Oh well it wasnīt blown yet and tonight Nick had set his mind into asking her if she wanted to date. For real.
“Nick,” Brian put his arm around the blonde's shoulder, “maybe you should cancel the dinner. Iīm sure that Julie understands.” He felt bad for Nick, who he saw was not in the best of shape.
“No,” Nick mumbled as he rubbed his face, “I have to go.” He drew in a deep breath, trying to get some strength. “Iīm fine.” A sharp cramp in his stomach attacked him, making him make a face.
"No youīre not.”
“I will be.” Nick stood up, “Gotta go, back soon.” With that, he disappeared towards the bathroom. Shutting the door behind him.
“Nick isnīt doing so good, is he?” Leighanne said slowly as they watched their friend leave the room.
Brian shook his head, “I think he is getting worse again.”
“Have you talked with his doctor about the side effects?”
“No, Nick didnīt want me to mention anything.” Brian sighed, “Leigh, this is getting harder and harder to hide from the guys. Howie called me earlier and he had heard about Nick's incident the other week with him being sick on the street. He was worried and didnīt buy it when I said that Nick had the flu, he was talking about coming down here. In fact I wouldnīt be too surprised if they stood on the door step one of these days. Their was a brief pause before Brian continued, “Itīs just that I donīt know how he would react to this.”
“Honey, he canīt hide it all forever. Nick needs to realize that he has cancer and he has to deal with it.”
“I know.” Brian wiped his face, he suddenly felt all exhausted, “I think he does..itīs just that Nick has a habit of denying everything until it's too late. He wants to cope on his own and when he cant he gets upset and does stupid things. Guess it comes from him being so young on the road and we didnīt exactly help him when he was feeling homsick or something.” There was guilt in Brian's voice.
“Hun, you donīt have to blame yourself. Itīs not your fault that Nick is acting like this. Itīs called denial.” Leighanne patted her husbands arm, trying her best to be comforting.
“Yeah, but I havenīt been there for him when he needed me,” Brian started when he was cut off by his wife.
“Stop it! Youīve always been there for Nick and you know that. Besides, Nick is a grown man now and he doesnīt need you babysit him all the time. Iīm sure that he understands that you have your own life too. Nick has to learn and cope with his cancer and that is something he has to do all by himself. You canīt be there for him 24/7.”
“No, but I wasnīt there when he was getting arrested and..”
“Brian! You are there for him now, isnīt that enough?” Leighanne was starting to get upset when she saw how her husband was acting guilty over Nick's situation. “There isnīt a thing you could have done. Nick has Hodgkins and you have to deal with it too.”
His wife was right. Even if he didnīt want to admit it he was having a hard time dealing with Nick's disease. It was tough seeing your best friend fading away, slowly, being sick all the time. Fearful thoughts that Nick wouldnīt make it flared up in him ever so often and it hurt so much. Nick was his little brother and he couldnīt bare to loose him.
“What do you like to order?” Julie asked as they were sitting at a rather fancy resturant down in Tampa. “I want to have something really spicy." She giggled as she took a sip of her wine.
“Donīt know.” He didnīt want to tell her to truth that he had no appetite what so ever this evening. His stomach was much too upset to manage anything and his mouth sores were acting up, badly. Yet he was determined to shake this aside since he was sitting here with the most beautiful girl in the world. He looked at her with admiration. She looked totally beautiful tonight. Glowing in a way that he had never seen her look before. Her green eyes were shining and she was wearing a black short dress. On her head was a black and white scarf and in his eyes she looked like a model. He just wished that he was in a better shape and could enjoy it in another way.
“I have something to show you,” she said with a smile.
“What?”
“Take a look at this,” she tore off the scarf, revealing an almost bald head with redish short hair, “See, the hair has started to grow out again.” She said with a laugh and he couldnīt help to feel her head. It felt soft. People were looking at their direction, yet they didnīt care.
“So youīre a redhead then?” he asked with a grin. “Ouuuccchhh!” He pretended getting burned.
“Yup a true one,” she giggled then said with a playful frown, “What? You donīt like redheads?”
“Yeah, I love them.” He smiled, thinking at 'least you Julie.' “Itīs just that they have a hot temper.”
“So do Backstreet Boys too.” Her giggle was affecting him and as she made an attempt to put on her scarf again, he took down her hand.
“No donīt. You look as beautiful without the scarf.” He was very sincere in his words and she blushed slightly.
“I look like a dork,” she joked.
“No you donīt.” Nick shook his head. Then he said after a while, “how does it feel?”
“Feel what?”
“I mean..to..to...loose your hair.” This was something Nick was afraid of and he knew that one of the side effects were loosing your hair, getting bald. Everyday he felt his head, like he was afraid to loose it every time he touched it.
“Oh that. Well first it kind off sucks then,” she took another mouthful of the wine, “then you kind of realize that itīs a bit comfortable and most of all cheap.”
“Cheap?”
“Yeah you donīt need as much schampoo as before and donīt need to go to the hairdresser.” She giggled again and Nick couldnīt help but to smile. Julie was totally awesome. She was the only one he could talk about the disease with, without feeling like he was infected with the plague.
Their conversation was cut off by the waitress coming to take up the order.
“What do you like to order?” she said as she picked up their menues.
“Something hot and spicy...Tandori Beef,” Julie said as she turned to Nick. “What will you get?”
His stomach churned. Food wasnīt high on his list and everything he took in his mouth made him hurt. “Do you have some soup?” he asked since that was the only thing that he could think he could manage right now.
Julie looked at him with compassion, but she said nothing. It wasnīt until the waitress had left with their orders when she uttered, “So itīs one of these days.”
Nick nodded. He felt bad, not wanting to spoil anything. “Yeah.” No further words were said about that subject. They talked about this and that and ate their food, at least Julie ate it. Nick mostly picked at the soup with his spoon.
“So what did your tests say?” he asked out of the blue and this had Julie jerking.
“Huh?”
“You know the test you did last week, what did they say?”
“Eh..oh..no..nothing.” Julie acted like she was uncomfortable, wanting to drop the issue and Nick looked at her sternly.
“Julie, are you hiding something from me?” He was sure that she had heard some bad news and that she didnīt want to reveal them to him because he would be so sad.
“Iīm not hiding anything.” She looked down in her plate. “Itīs just that it was standard procedure. Kind of boring to talk about."
“Really?” Nick didnīt buy what she was saying.
“Yes.” She sounded a bit irritated like he had caught her in a lie. “ By the way how are you doing?”
“It was you that we were talking about.” Nick tried to hide a yawn. “And Iīm fine,” she looked him into his eyes. “You however are not and should be in bed instead of sitting here fighting to stay awake.”
Nick knew that she was right. He was tired, yet he didnīt want the subject to be dropped. The conversation suddenly became a bit frosty and Nick didnīt know what he had done wrong. He had shown her that he was concerned and couldnīt understand her reaction. Oh well he thought, Julie would tell him if she wasnīt alright. Wouldnīt she?
After dinner they decided to take a quick walk out on the city, window shopping before heading back to Nick's. As they were walking down the street Nick felt someone patting on his shoulder. Turning around he saw a woman stand there. Smiling.
“Oh my God, itīs really Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys!” The woman yelled out loud and Nick wanted to hush her down. He didnīt want any attention draw to them. Too late. The woman's two teenage daughters were flocking in front of him, wanting to get his autograph. More and more people came to him and Nick felt panic surge through his body.
“Who is this girl?”
“Are you his girlfriend?”
“Where have you been all the time Nick?”
“Is it true that youīre doing drugs?”
“Are you sick?”
Questions were falling over him and Nick straightened up to leave. “Come on,” he said to Julie, “ Letīs get out of here. Now.” She nodded and did as he said and together they ran down the street, people following them.
“Is it always this wild?” she asked as they were in the clear, panting like crazy.
“Ye..yeah,” Nick was totally out of breath and he coughed violently, getting his back slapped by Julie.
“You alright?” she asked when she saw how pale Nick had become.
“Aha,” he nodded, “itīs just that Iīm so totally out of condition. Better work on shaping up this old body." Deep inside he knew that working out at the gym wouldnīt do it to him.
Not this time.
