"Nick!" Kevin called out from downstairs, "You set to go?" The tone of his voice held some irritation and he was pacing back and forth on the floor, in the same way as he did when he was nervous. When he received no immediate response he continued, "Nick are you there? We have to get going. NOW!"

From the bathroom upstairs Nick yelled back, "Yeah..I´ll be done in a sec."

He was doing his best to steady his voice when all he wanted was to sink down on the toilet lid and rest. The night had been fitful and he had been plagued with nightmares and coldsweats. He was sick and tired of waking up like a drenched cat every night, sheets plastered to his back. Today he also experienced chills and he blamed it on the sudden increase of chemo. Dr. Andersen had told him that he might experience some unwanted side effects and he wanted to laugh out from sarcastic joy. Puking his guts out while shivering uncontrollably was something that he really didn't look forward to.

His life was nothing but a bundle of joy.

Staring into the steamed bathroom mirror, a pale face stared back at him with dark, borderlining black colored bags under his eyes. Shivering, he drew a hand through his blonde touseled hair, trying to make it look less lifeless. The attempt was futile since all it did was hang even flatter on his head, like a cap.

"God, I look like crap," he muttered loudly, sticking his tongue out to the man infront of him. "You are so fucking pathetic," suddenly he wanted nothing more than get rid of that vision of himself looking like a dying man. When the pale face continued to stare back at him he splashed some cool water into his face. Blindly he reached for a towel and wiped his face off. Staring back in the mirror he noticed that he didn't look quite as bad anymore. This was a well tried recipe that Nick had used many times on the road. There had been times when he had cried out of sheer exhaustion and when he had to be at his best, a quick splash of water in his face usually did the trick and he could last a little bit longer.

Pulling a comb through his hair he tried to reason with it and when he was done he stared down into the sink. The sight that greeted him made his stomach ache even more than before. The sink was filled with hair, his blonde hair laid in heaps. Nick didnt know if it hurt more, to see his hair fall off or the pain in his stomach that was lingering with him all the time.

Quickly he scraped up the hair and threw it in the wastebasket, trying to forget that the chemo was making him loose more and more hair each day. God, how he hated chemo! Hated feeling like crap all the time, hated the way the nausea crept up on him when he least expected it. Choking him, making him vanurable. He hated the fact that there were days when all he wanted was sleep, and no matter how much he slept he still never felt rested.

"NICK!" Kevin was getting impatient downstairs and he siged heavily as another bout of nausea overhelmed him, making him bend over and gag. He hadnt eaten anything since last night, which was just as good since there were nothing to expell. After saying goodbye to his dad as well as met Dr Andersen he was totally zonked.

Putting on a pair of black Nike sweatpants he ignored his older brothers attempt to get him to answer. Instead he tucked away the chemo device safely under his waistband lining and put on a grey longsleeved T-shirt. It was a warm day, yet Nick had the chills this morning. If he hadn't known better he would say that he was starting to get a case of the flu. That was what it felt like.

As if they couldn't leave him alone Brian called out for him once more, "Frack, you have to hurry. We have to get going. The plane will be leaving soon."

"Mhmm," Nick mumbled, making no attempt to go out of the bathroom. He knew he was late, yet he had to wait before the worst bout of nausea passed before he could make an entrance. As he gagged once more a strange thought popped up in his mind. 'f this is what it is like to be pregnant with morning sickness, I can understand while women are so cranky.' He was referring to his own mother's pregnancy with the twins.

Spitting into the bowl, he cleared his mouth and then reached for the tooth brush. The guys would have to wait. There was no way that he was going to go anywhere smelling like a rodent had pooped down his throat.

They were on their way to drive Brian and Leighanne to the airport, him and Kevin, since they had an appointment with the studio producer about the album. There were some tracks that they had to discuss whether or not to put on the album and since both AJ and Howie had gone home to their "wives" and Brian was on his way back home, it was Kevin and Nick who had to attend the meeting.

Usually Nick would have been thrilled. He had always enjoyed being at the studio. This time however he was just totally and utterly exhausted.

For a moment he wanted to stop this charade and yell back that he felt sick and didn't want to go but that would just add more fuel to Brian's worriedness and the last thing he wanted to be was a nuisance. Besides his friend had enough to worry about. There had been fear in Brian's eyes when they had told him that they had to go back to Georgia for a proper check up. He was so afraid that something would happen to this baby since Nick knew that they had waited for their child to arrive for some time now. Leighanne wasnt exactly getting younger and Brian wanted a big family. He wouldnt be surprised if in a few years time their house would be filled with Backstreet babies.

If he had told Brian the truth he was afraid that his friend would cancel the flight and that wouldn´t do anyone any good at all. What if something was seriously wrong with the baby? He didn't want the one responsible for not getting Leighanne help in time, just beacuse he felt like hurling.

Besides he had Kevin.

Not that him and Kev had talked so much about his illness. No, it was more like his friend was afraid to talk about such topic. Avoiding it at all costs. He suspected strongly that Kevin's father's cancer could be the reason since it was once again hitting too close to home. The colon cancer that Kevin's father had suffered from had been terrible and Nick figured out that Kevin's often serious side was beacuse of the trauma he had experienced. Watching his own father slowly deteoriate from this dreadful disease.

Unfortunately Kevin was a man that often kept feelings and emotions locked up inside him and Nick had a hard time figuring his brother out. They had a rocky relationship and there had been more than one time when they had disagreed with each other and fought over different opinions.

Yet they loved each other, like only brothers could do, and Kevin had been there for him many times. In fact he was closer to Kev than he was to his own parents. He was the one he turned to when things got a bit too rough on the road. He was the rock that Nick leaned against while searching for shelter. Shelter from the hectic life he was now living.

It was either Kevin or Brian who stayed at his side when he was sick or too low. It was Kevin who was there when Nick screwed up and he was the one that was picking forever picking up the pieces. Up until now!

This time he had to stand on his own.

With a sigh Nick opened the door and stepped out into the hallway. Peering downstairs he noticed that they were all waiting for him. Kevin was pacing, and Nick couldnt help to laugh. His friend was often nervous and sometimes before the show Kev could be such a nervous wreck. It wasn´t becuse he was afraid of the audience, no his older brother was a perfectionist and a worrier! He often kept a calm posture to the public and there was not many things that had Kevin Richardson all worked up. At least not officially.

"Ah, there you are," Kevin exclaimed as he looked up towards the stairs, "You ready?" He was already on his way towards the door, car keys in hand.

"Here Nick," Leighanne said as she handed him a sandwich, " You haven´t eaten any breakfast so I made you something." She smiled warmly before picking up a bag.

"No, no I'll take that one," Brian was there quickly, protecting his wife and grabbing the bag, telling her that she needed to take it easy and that he was there for her. Leighanne shrugged, obviously a bit annoyed over his fussing.

"Eh..I think I´ll pass," Nick said as he looked at the ham sandwich. Even if he hadn't eaten anything since yesterday his stomach did summer saults as he looked at anything that might resemble food. The nausea was bad this morning and it had to take all his strength not to gag on the spot.

"Why?" Brian stopped talking to Leighanne and turned towards his pale friend. "You feeling sick?"

"No," Nick shook his head, not daring to look Brian in his eyes. Afraid that it would reveal too much pain.

"You sure?" There was doubt in the smaller man's voice.

"Yes, I´m not so hungry. You know me and mornings." Nick laughed lightly, "It´s way too early if it´s before noon." He expected a laugh back from Brian since Nick was a well known sleeper, yet nothing came. Instead he leaned over, grabbing Nick's arm.

"Is the nausea bad this morning?" He looked Nick sternly in his eyes.

Still avoiding his glance, Nick mumbled, "No man.I´ll grab something at the studio. Besides you were complaining that we had to go so what are we waiting on?" He jerked to get away from the grip.

Leighanne interrupted their conversation, "Bri honey, Kevin is already outside. We have to go now or we will miss the flight." She nudged Brian's arm lightly, smiling a bit appologetically to Nick.

"Yes baby, you go ahead and go I wanna have a few words with Frack."

With a deep sigh Leigh let go of her husband, "Ok, but don´t take too long." With that she walked out from the house.

"B'rok, dude, you better listen to Lee," Nick said, hoping that Brian would drop the subject about his health. It was futile since if it was one thing Brian could sniff it was when something was bothering his friend. It wasn´t for nothing they had been Frick and Frack for almost ten years.

"Nick, you´re not hiding anything for me, are you?" He never let up his eyes on his friend.

"Eh..huh?" Nick felt busted, and he blushed slightly, giving away a red crimson color on his ohterwise pale cheeks. Composing himself he asked as steady as he could "What do you mean?"

"Well," Brian started, "I´ve known you way too long not to see when something is bothering you my man, and today I get the feeling that there is more than meets the eye. Am I right?"

Fidgeting Nick looked away, "No man, I dont know what you´re talking about." There was no chance in hell that he would tell his friend how miserable he felt. His sixth sense told him that the Kentuckian would cancel the flight in two secs if he even breathed that he felt like shit.

Nick Carter was a stubborn character.

"Ok," Brian sighed, resigning to the fact that Nick didn't want to talk anymore. "Maybe I´m seeng ghosts then." He smiled briefly.

"More likely a corpse," Nick muttered.

"Huh?" The words didn't go unnoticed and Nick cursed the fact that he had always been so swift with comments.

"Just kidding," he grinned, reassuring that everything was just peachy.

"Okeeey," The last syllables were dragging out. "It´s just that I have noticed you grab your stomach lately, like you are in pain or somethin'" It was clear that Brian still wasn´t letting the topic go.

"Well I am NOT." The words came out a bit too harsh then he intended too, biting his lip he stopped himself for saying anything more.

"Ok, ok I know when I have crossed the line," Brian held up his hands in a defeated gesture, "Cool it man, there is no need to bite my head off. I´m just concerned man." There was hurt in his tone.

"Sorry dude," he said patting his friend on his shoulder. Forcing a smile he continued, "I´m ok. Honest!" God he hated to lie.

"Mhm..If you say so," Brian looked at him with his blue eyes, etched with concerned, "I guess I have to trust you then.." He was talking slow, like he didn´t believe his own words.

"Yup," Nick laughed lightly, "Now you better go man or you have much greater concern to worry about." He gave up a grin, motioning with his tumb towards the car where Leigh and Kevin stood impatiently.

Brian laughed, "Yeah those two ain´t easy to deal with." As Nick thought it was the end of the conversation, Brian stopped him once more, "But if there is something that is bothering you, you promise to say that to me.. right?"

"Yeah man," Nick said a tad too fast.

Noticing this Brian frowned, "Nick?" It was clear that he was still questioning the blondes validity.

"YEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!" Gosh when would Brian stop getting into his hair ? "I said so didn't I?"

"Ok good." A satsifield smile crept up on his brother's face, making Nick feel even worse than before. Here he was lying to his friend, straight into his face. Yet there was nothing he could do about it. Brian didn't need to be worried at any cost!

With that the two men walked out to the car.

It had been pretty calm on the waterfront and Nick and Kevin had dropped the Littrell's off at the terminal when all hell broke loose. At first one girl had spotted them and set off to get an autograph. It didnt bother them so much, and both men stopped and signed and gave away some hugs. Sometimes it was better to meet the fans, than hide away.

Soon lots of people noticed who had entered the airport and more and more people run up to them, wanting hugs and taking pictures. Even if Nick felt like total and utter crap he still smiled, perking up ever so often. The fans were not bad, besides he knew that they would be nothing without these screaming teenagers.

"NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCKKKK!"

"KEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNN"

"I love ya!"

"Can I get a hug, pleaaaaaaaaaaaseeeeeeeeeeeee!"

The otherwise quiet airport was suddenly filled with screaming girls that came running towards them and as more people approached it was time to split. Looking at each other like deer caught in headlights, Kevin motioned with his tumb toward the exit. They had to make a run for it.

As if things were not bad enough a bald headed man started to snap pictures like he was possessed. Too late they spotted him. A papparazzi.

"Nick, I love you," one girl screamed as she clinged to him, pulling at his pants. Panic errupted inside him as he remembered what was attatched to his body. The chemo pump and he did his best to get the girl off him. It had been a bad call to go anywhere without bodyguards and Nick swore that he would never do the same mistake again.

Pulling with his hand to keep his pants from sagging he tried to take cover as well as run away from the screaming hoard. But the girl was still clinging and she ripped at his T-shirt, and before he knew it - it happened. The thing that couldn't happen!

The shirt went up exposing the chemo device attacted to his stomach. Tucking it in quickly again he hoped that no one had discovered his secret. What went on for seconds felt like hours and he felt so exposed to the world. This was NOT the way he wanted to reveal his ailments in public. As if things weren't bad enough, the papparazzi seemed to snap pictures like there was no tomorrow. Nick plastering a false, wide grin on his face.

"RUN!" Kevin yelled and Nick could feel his own legs start to work on autopilot. Running out of the terminal, girls in tow, he made a beeline towards the red sports car.

The pain in his stomach made it hard for him to run and the nausea was getting more and more urgent. As his vision grew blurry, white spots appeared infront of him and Nick feared that he would pass out. It was hard to breathe and he cursed the fact that he had no other option but to keep running. Seeing the older band member run off like a frightened rabbit Nick tried his best to keep up the pace. It was a hard task and the chemo device clicked against his skin, reminding him that he was not well at all.

As he saw the red car he started to slow the pace. Girls were still running after him. Kevin stated a quick, "Get in," as he opened the door for him. Seconds later he managed to get inside, panting and gasping to catch his breath.

"Mr. Carter," the photographer yelled, "Is it true that you're sick and going to die?"

Ignoring the question at hand Nick looked away, wishing that he didn't have an car with an open roof. The more Nick stayed out of public view the better it was. His whole appearance would case rumours and that was not something that the Backstreet Boys needed to deal with right now. As long as they could they wanted to stall telling the world about Nick's disease. They wanted to wait, see what time brought with it, and when the opportunity was right they would go public...that is if Nick didn't beat the cancer first.

The guys felt a bit upset over this decision, even more since they were well known for being honest with their fans, okay as honest as they could be. They had known about AJ´s drinking and using drugs for quite a while and it was when it was critical they went forward with it. Some things would be better kept in private. Like Nick's cancer.

The riot was remarkable and the Papparazzi was snapping away picture after picture. The two men tried to shield themselves with their hands. Girls were screaming, clawing at the car.

It was a true riot!

"Mr. Carter what is that device on your stomach?" Oh nooo, Nick wanted to die. The one person in this whole wide world that he did NOT want to see this had spotted it. A freaking papparazzi.

Upon hearing these words Kevin turned around to look at Nick questionly, for a brief second. There were genuine surprise in his facial expression. Soon however he was reminded over the riot that were outside and he growled to the photographer, "What the fuck.." He was on his verge of standing up and grabbing the camera, ripping out the film when Nick stopped his actions.

"No don´t," he shook his head tiredly. "Lets get the hell out of here instead."

"But..but..I.." his friend started, yet Nick grabbed the arm.

"No! Fuck it, lets go."

It was something in Nick's voice that had Kevin all concerned so he started the car without further questioning, slammed in the gear and drove away from the airport. Tires screeching against the asphalt.