"AARON! SIT STILL!" Jane scolded her son that was jumping up and down, not being able to sit still, not even for a second. She rubbed her eyes tiredly as she folded a pair of jeans, putting them neatly in the suitcase. This past week had been the most emotionally draining time ever in her life. Coming to realize that her oldest son was batteling a deadly disease was something that tore her heart up. She did her best to act strong infront of Nick, yet her heart ached everytime she saw him wincing in pain. She wasn´t the only person that had a hard time dealing with this new situation. Aaron took it hard too and she could see in his brown eyes that he was scared and even if he tried to act strong he was still on the verge of crying.

"Mom," Aaron whined as he fidgeted on the bed. "I don't want to leave Nick."

"I know," his mother said as she placed yet another article of clothing in the suitcase. "I don't want to leave him either."

"Can´t we ask him if he wanna come with us?" A bit of excitement lit in the teens eyes, "Please Mom!"

Jane sighed deeply. "I´m not sure that Nick wants to do that. This is his home and.."

"No!" Aaron interrupted, "We are his home his family and when you are sick you are suppose to be with your family. Not being all alone."

Upon hearing these words Jane felt her stomach twist, "Honey, Nick isn´t alone, he has the rest of the guys and.."

"Doesn't matter." Aaron was stern in his comment. "I want him to come home with US!" Tears started to form in his eyes as he wiped them quickly away with the back of his hand. Seeing the sadness that reflected in her youngest son's eyes, Jane wrapped her arms around him.

"Hon, I know that you're hurting." She hugged him tighter as he borrowed his face into her blouse. "We are all sad about this."

"I..I do..don´t wa..want Ni..Nick to di.,die," Aaron sobbed as he cried freely. It was like a flood burst and he hiccuped between his words.

"Neither do I..neither do I," Jane mumbled as she stroked his tousled hair gently, rocking him back and forth like she had done so many times before with Aaron and Nick, especially when they were younger.

Instantly her memory flashed back to when Nick had just started to tour in the backstreet boys and when he use to cry every night because he thought it was too hard and he instead wanted to go out and play with his friends. She had been a tough mother and she had told him that if he wanted to achive his goal he had to be prepared for alot of hard work. But she had also comforted him when he cried thinking that he would never make it and encouraged him, saying that he had the talent and that he would make it.

Now with the facts hand she wished that she hadn´t been so driven. That she had been more of a mother than a stage mom. And not a business woman. Her heart ached when she thought about her sick son in the connecting room. If she had the power she would take on the sickness herself since Nick didn't deserve to be this miserable. No one deserved to be sick with Hodgkins disease!

"Mo..mom what are you thinking of?" Aaron asked, glancing up. He saw the tears that pricked his mother's eyes and a pain of sorrow filled his chest. "Something wrong? Are you sad?"

Quickly Jane Carter wiped away a tear that ran down her cheek with the back of her hand. Giving away a weak smile "Oh...it´s nothing," she mumbled stroking her youngest sons blond hair. Stopping she said with a sigh, "I better go packing." With that she stood up from the bed and walked over to the suitcase with a hunched posture.

Aaron not wanting to let go of the subject asked his mother once more, "Can´t we ask if Nick can come with us? He could even come with me on tour." There was hope in his eyes as he uttered, "It would be like the old days like we were touring in Germany."

Jane looked up one more time, "Yes we can ask him." There were doubt in her tone, since her female intuition told her that her son would rather spend his time recording than with his family. It hurt her, but she respected his decision. Nick had recorded all day and for the first time in a long while she had seen a gleam of happiness. Music was a BIG part of Nick's life and he lived for it. The day the music died her son would die too. And in reverse, if Nick died music would never be the same again. She shivered slightly as the last forbidden thought crossed her mind.

Ever since yesterday when Nick had been back from the first radiation treatment she thought she saw something in the young mans eyes that had been lacking before. It was a determination. A determination to beat his sickness!

Nick rolled to his side and curled up into a ball. He was finally alone and didn't have to play that he was fine and dandy anymore. His stomach ached like a bitch and the fright that he felt washed over him like a cold shower. His thoughts trailed over to the last days when Dr. Andersen had shown concern over a lump that she felt in his stomach, as well as the expression that the nurses had done when he was in X-ray. He didn't have to be a doctor to tell that he was up for bad news.

Pushing the thoughts aside he tried to think positively. He knew that the day that he gave up he could just as easy buy himself a place in the cementary, six feet under ground. The last thing that left a person was hope and like his beloved grandma once said, "Nick there will be good days and there will be bad days. But remember that whatever you do, never loose your hope." He loved and missed his grandma and when she passed away a year ago he was devistated. He had inherited lots of her spririt and she had always believed in him. She was one of the few persons around him that had actually encouraged him to go for a solo debute if his heart told him to do so. She was an artist and he had inherited both his vocals as well as his talent in drawing from her.

Drawing was something he hadn´t done in a very long time. And he missed it. Suddenly he moved off the bed, ignoring the pain that had his abdomen in a tight grip. Pulling out a chair he climbed up infront of the cupboard. Opening it he saw that it was filled with stuff that he never used. Memories and gifts from fans and from older tours. There on the top shelf was what he was searching for.

Pulling out the blue box he blew the dust off, coughing in the process. "Gosh I need to clean here sometime," he mumbled as he climbed down from the chair, the wanted possession in his hands. Putting it down on the bed he opened it up just to review his old tin box filled with his pens and tools. Under it were some old sketch books. Upon seeing these items his heart was filled with emotions. This was his sketch book that he hadn't picked up in a long time. Not since he was on the Millenium tour back in 99. Whenever Nick was bored or was traveling he often doodled, writing imagery pictures and sketches. This served as his relaxation.

Pulling up the old, torn sketchbook he opened it up. Pictures of fantasty figures which he had intended to use on the Backstreet Project met him. There was also sketches of views he had passed and people he had met. On one page was a picture of a girl. She had long hair in a pony tail and she sat crossed legged wearing a top and jeans. She was pretty. He didnt remember her name, but she was one of many that he had met while touring. One of many that he had cheated on Manda with.

Manda.

Memories flashed up and he groaned involountary. He wasn't proud over how he acted during their relationship, but to his defense she hadn't been too nice with him either. She had used him, like so many girls before and after had done. This time it was a record deal and it hurt him. He really loved Manda and he had been totally faithful to her and this made it hurt even more when he found out how she had betrayed him.

It was when he came back from a stressful promotion tour back in early 99. He had been all wiped out with a nasty flu bug and all he wanted to do was to take a bath in his own bathroom and then fall asleep together with his girlfriend. Just chill out and feel loved. But what met him would go down as the worst time ever in history. As he drove onto the driveway he had first spotted a red Porsche outside. Not thinking more about this he had gone into the house, finding it strangely quiet. As he called out her name he had heard a sound on the upperfloor and wanting to surprise her he had sneaked up. As he opened the bedroom door he was met with the worst sight ever.

Manda was fucking a guy! In his own bed!

Upset he had screamed to both of them to get the hell out. He had shouted that she was nothing but a bitch and that it was over. The guy had picked up his clothes and fled out of the room. Nick still smiled over that memory. The guy looked like a deer caught in headlights. Manda had cried saying that her producer had made her sleep with this guy since he was the son of one of her biggest promotors. She had begged him to take her back and he had felt bad for her knowing how rough the business could be. She promised never to do that again.

Nick had believed her, still being totally faithful, but when he found her at a party, stoned to her gills making out with one of his so called "friends" in a bathroom he had become very angry. As a revenge he had gone out getting plastered. That night AJ had introduced him to one of his favorite groupies and he slept with her. When he was on the Millenium tour later on in the year he had screwed around every chance he got and their relationship had been on shaky grounds. Manda often complained that he was never at home, but he knew that she was entertaining herself greatly both with his credit cards as well as with other guys. Then before going to Sweden and the MTV awards as well as that dreaded long 100 hour tour they had broke up. Even if they hurt each other by staying together he still felt devistated when it was over.

Nick sighed deeply as he turned the pages in his book. There was a coal sketch of Manda laying on the bed, just draped with a sheet over her lower part of her body. She was topless and Nick blushed suddenly. It was a well drawn picture but suddenly it felt very private. It was so long since he had talked to her and he missed her. He made a mental note to call her one of these days. After all she had been a part of his life for almost three years. That was the longest relationship he had. After they had broke up they had met a couple of times, fucking, since sex was one of the few things that went smooth. To tell the truth Nick sometimes missed her. A little bit.

After Manda he had dated many, many girls and to tell the truth he was a bit surprised that he hadn't caught any sexually transmitted disease since protection was something that wasn´t always used. He checked regularly with the doctor and he came away negative. Besides getting a nasty yeast infection at one occasion he had come away very healthy. That if you don't count getting the kissing disease, various bugs and ailments and of course the cancer! But that was another chapter.

Besides the period of screwing around followed a chapter with lots of clubbing and partying. During the Black and Blue Tour he was testing all sorts of stimulants. AJ introduced him to cocaine at some promotional party and he was sick as a dog. Yet he tried snorting it a few more times, but never really liked it. Mainly because he saw how fucked up AJ became. Nick hated lying. He told the reporters that he never drank and then he went out and got stoned on pot and drunk on tequila. Some role model! Yet he couldn't stop. It was like his life was missing something. Then as he found out about the cancer he decided to quit using that shit. In fact he had decided to end it after he was arrested. The irony was now he was drugged up on chemo and radiation instead.

Turning the page he saw a drawing of Howíe, talking on his cellphone. A smile toyed in his lips as he thought about that this was a habit that his older friend still possessed. During the years they had often joked about how sweet D' used to call home to his parents all the time. He had said that the Latino was a wuss that couldn't get enough of his mother, but to tell the truth Nick felt a pang of jealousy when he saw what a warm relationship he had with his mom. Nick's own relation with his mom was often frosty and it sometimes was on a strict business level. He didn't doubt that his mom didn´t love and support him. No Jane Carter was just not a woman that showed that much emotions. And this lead to that he never knew where he had her.

Another smile crept upon him when he saw the picture of Kevin playing his piano. The tall man seemed so happy in a way that he had rarely seen in the strict adult. His friend was often too serious for him and he had never got deep down into Kevin's life. He seriously doubted that anyone had ever come that close. When Kevin played his piano something happened. It was because he became one with the music and Nick could relate to this. The two of them were the only ones that really loved jamming on instruments and this was a way to get to know each other better. Nick felt respect for Kevin. He was the safe harbor that he tended to lean on when life became too windy. He was the one that the young man often turned to when he was feeling bad or he didn't know how to act in a situation. Kevin often jumped in to save a situation and he mentally noted that he would thank his friend whenever time came.

AJ, sketched sitting with a drink was another picture that came to a view. He felt both sorrow and guilt. Even if Nick knew that it wasn´t his fault he still blamed himself for letting his friend go down to the deep end. Alexander was a person that Nick had often looked up to. Altough there were just two years between them AJ often acted both older and wiser. His looks betrayed him and many people thought that Mr. McLean was nothing but a smart ass. They couldn't be more wrong. It was true that no one could top his bad mouth but A was one of the nicest people that Nick knew. He liked his buddie's crazy and cool attitude, that was as filled with warmth as it was with being rebellious.

There were many different pictures in the book but it was the last one that send him into turbulence when it came to emotions. It was a picture of Brian, sitting on a stairstep, head in his hands like he was troubled over something. That or just too drained to bare to act with the famous Backstreet smile.

This was an unnatural situation since Brian often was cheerful and full of jokes. The fact that his friend had recently came back from performing after open heart surgery might have accounted for his aloofness. Nick had never told B'rok how scared he had been when he went to the hospital. He hated hospitals and sick people made him nervous. Sickness and death scared him since it reminded him how fragile life could be. Nick hadn´t went to see Brian at the hopsital, mainly because it hurt him to see how weak he looked. Kevin had come to his rescue again, pulling a little "white lie" saying that Nick was not feeling well and that he was afraid that he would infect him. Brian hadn´t bought it, that he knew, but he said nothing about it either.

"Nick!" His mother called out, startling him so he nearly jumped out of his skin. Looking up he saw his mother standing in the doorway.

"Oh hi," he greeted her as he threw away the sketch book under bed. He didn't want his mother to see what he had drawn. In fact he wanted no one to look at his sketches. They were his. His memories.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Eh..nothing." He felt a bit guilty, having the same feeling like when he was younger getting caught with a porno magazine in his bed.

"Okay." It was clear in his mother's voice that she didn't believe him, yet she didn't press. "Nickolas," she said in this tone that she always used when she wanted to talk about something serious. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Sure," Nick moved to his side, patting the mattress inviting her to sit down.

There was a slight hestitation in her moves as she sat down beside him. They still hadn´t talked about his disease and he had been waiting for the moment when she would talk about his cancer and the effects of that. During her week she had walked around the issue like it burned her and he didnt want to take it up either. Sometimes it was easier to act like something didn't exist. Then the bad situation could just go away, at least in your mind. Jane Carter was a person that often lived by that rule. The irony was that truth often jumped up, biting her in the tail.

When there had been an uncomfortable silence long enough Nick couldn´t stand it any longer. "What was it you wanted to talk to me about?" he asked looking her sternly in her eyes.

"Eh..uh," she coughed, clearing her voice as her eyes rapidly filled up with tears. In that moment he knew what topics she wanted to discuss. Putting his warm hand on her shoulder he said nothing.

Clearing her voice again she began, "Nick..I know..I know that growing up in this business has not always been easy," she staggered a bit on her words as she continued, "and as your mother I know that I sometimes have done things that hurt you." He was about to object when she held up a hand, stopping him. "No Nick let me talk "

He nodded. Words suddenly felt too much.

Turning her face towards him she whispered as tears rolled down her cheeks, "I´m so sorry honey if I have hurt you. So sorry."

Upon seeing his mother this devistated he felt like he would explode. He felt sick to his stomach and his own eyes stung. She cried silently, her shoulders shaking with each sob she uttered. Not bearing to see his mother in this state, Nick tightened the grip on her shoulder. Clinging onto life. Onto hope!

"It´s okay mom," he whispered back, full of emotions. Doing his best to comfort her.

Saying nothing Jane pulled her son with into her embrace, hugging him as she held onto him as tight as she could. It was like if she would let him go he would disappear, vanish from her.

Surprised over this action he looked up at her.

"Honey," she said, now crying openly, "I just want you to know that whatever happens I love you with all my heart." She hugged him so tight that he had trouble breathing, yet he didnt want her to let go.

"I love you too mom," he mumbled, crying silently against his mother's warm chest.