I let myself into the apartment I shared with my best friend and dumped the bags I was carrying on the floor. I had just gotten home from my job where I worked at a grocery store. It was a nice job to have while I made my way through college. It was dark so I flipped on the light. To my great shock everything was clean in the small living room. Kyung must have cleaned it before going to class because when I left this morning it was a pit. I went straight to my computer and turned it on. I’d let it boot up while I put my groceries away and made some popcorn. I was anxious to check my e-mail and see who was on aol instant messenger.

A few months back I met Nick Carter online and since then we had become good friends. We usually talked several times a week depending on what was going on in our lives. We talked easily about pretty much anything and had confided in each other about a lot of things. He had e-mailed me this morning and said their tour bus would be passing through Oklahoma City which was very close to the little town I went to college in. When I wrote him back I had told Nick I would be on at about 5:00pm. It was now ten minutes after. I grabbed my popcorn and Parmesan in the refrigerator. Then I proceed to dump a small mountain of Parmesan all over it. Nick was one of the few I knew that also ate his popcorn the same way. Recently we had gotten Chrissy on that too. I met her online inadvertently through Nick about a month after I met him. We talked everyday and had also become very good friends.

My computer was finally done booting up so I connected it to the internet. I went to instant messenger first and paused a minute before selecting one of my screen names. I had too many to choose from. Finally I chose one of my newer ones: Sooner Girl. That is what a person was called that went to my college. A Sooner. I signed on and a moment later my buddy list popped up.

Nick was on, among a few other people. I was disappointed to see that Chrissy wasn’t on. She usually was at this time. Neither was my other friend Heidi, but I knew she had a class right now. I thought Krisha might be on, but I knew that she would be on that night. That is usually when we talked. I imed Nick and went to check my e-mail while I waited for him to reply.

Tidal Wave: Hi.

Sooner Girl: Hey, new name?

Tidal Wave: Yeah.

Sooner Girl: What’s up? Are you in OKC?

Tidal Wave: I guess so. I don’t know.

A little warning light went off in my head. There was something wrong. He was acting weird.

Sooner Girl: Is everything okay?

Tidal Wave: No.

Sooner Girl: What’s going on?

Tidal Wave: Don’t worry about it.

Sooner Girl: You know I do. What’s wrong? Where are you? On the bus?

Tidal Wave: Yes I am on the bus.

Sooner Girl: Are you by yourself?

Tidal Wave: Enough with the questions!

My eyes widened. Something was definitely wrong. I wasn’t trying to pry, but I was trying to figure out what was wrong. I knew he didn’t like 20 questions so I shouldn’t have gone there. He was worrying me.

Sooner Girl: I’m sorry. You don’t have to snap at me. I’m just worried about you, that’s all. You know I’m always here.

He didn’t reply for a minute and I sat there anxiously. Just when I was about to ask him if he was there, he said something.

Tidal Wave: I can’t take this anymore.

My heart skipped a beat. What did he mean?

Sooner Girl: Nick?

Tidal Wave: I don’t want to live anymore.

“Oh my god!” I exclaimed. This wasn’t happening.

Sooner Girl: Please don’t say that.

Tidal Wave: It’s true.

Sooner Girl: You’re scaring me!!

Tidal Wave: I am holding a handful of pills.

Sooner Girl: Please don’t! Nick, don’t do this! Please!

Tidal Wave: I’m sorry. Trust me, it will be better this way.

My anger flared. How dare he?! Did he have any idea what he just said? How did this happen? I just talked to him yesterday and everything was okay. What brought this on all of a sudden? What happened?

Sooner Girl: Bullshit Nick! How would it be better to kill yourself? Do you know what that is going to do to everyone?! Please get Brian.

Tidal Wave: It’s too late, Lizz. This needs to end. If I am gone, then I can’t hurt anyone anymore.

My eyes filled with tears. I had to stop this. I never felt so helpless in my life. If I couldn’t stop him then I would blame myself for the rest of my life. Didn’t he realize how much he has to live for? How much of an impact he has made on so many people’s lives? How many people look up to him and cherish him? How couldn’t he know? In the short time that I knew him he had already touched my heart and become a close friend. I couldn’t lose that.

Sooner girl: You are going to hurt people by leaving. Do you know what is going to happen if you are gone?

Tidal Wave: It will be better for everyone else.

Sooner Girl: NO!! How can you say that Nick? Don’t you realize how special you are?

Tidal Wave: No. Sure, people will be upset for a little while, but they will get over it.

My mind was racing. I couldn’t type as fast as the thoughts were flowing through my head. I knew I was in a race against time. At any moment he could swallow those pills and then it would be all over. I wanted to type “BRIAN” in big bold letters as if to scream his name. It wouldn’t do any good and the thought was irrational. It wasn’t like we were on the phone and I could scream loud enough to where Brian could here me halfway on the other side of the bus. The helpless feeling was killing me. There was nothing I could do except keep talking to him and try to talk him out of taking the pills.

Sooner Girl: No, they won’t. You don’t get over something like that. It stays with you for the rest of your life. Trust me.

Tidal Wave: I’m sorry. I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to cause anyone anymore pain.

All of the sudden a screen flashed stating he was signed off.

“Oh my god, oh my god. Nick...” I moaned. My breath caught in my throat and I was unable to move. He was gone. I sat there frozen to the spot when another screen flashed back on.

Tidal Wave: I’m leaving now.

I thought he had gone just then and it scared me to death. I was all shook up now.

Sooner Girl: Nick you can’t. Please, for the love of God, don’t do this. Please!!I'm beggingyou!!!!

I was losing and I knew it. Panic was threatening to take a hold of me. I couldn’t do anything. He didn’t respond. I frantically typed whatever came to mind.

Sooner Girl: Your parents, Nick. Don’t make them go through that.

Tidal Wave: No more struggling with their messed up kid.

Sooner Girl: What about Brian? What will he do without his best friend? His little brother? It would tear him apart.

Tidal Wave: Have some peace at last.

Now it began to sink in. It didn’t matter what I said. He was in a state of mind that wouldn’t listen to reason. It was like throwing myself against a brick wall that absolutely wouldn’t budge. I couldn’t reach where he was right now.

Sooner Girl: Nick don’t do this to me. I really can’t take losing another friend. I have lost too many. Don’t make me lose another. I can’t do it.

Tidal Wave: Yes you can. Lizz, you are strong.

I choked back a sob.

Sooner Girl: No! A person can only take so much before they can’t handle it anymore. You can only lose so many people that are dear to your heart before it consumes you.

Tidal Wave: I’m sorry Lizz. I’m so sorry I hurt you and everyone else. Please forgive me for that. Good luck with everything. Take care of yourself. Goodbye.

Something deep inside me snapped. All rational thought was suddenly gone from my mind. The tears were flowing freely now and the only thing that I could focus on now was stopping this. No matter the cost.

I reached my hand slowly across my desk to the small brown bottle that was barely within reach. It was called Albuterol and it was used in aerosol treatments for opening up the lungs. Only a tiny bit at a time was used. High doses were lethal. My hands were shaking and my heart was pounding as I numbly began typing to Nick.

Sooner Girl: You go, I go.

A pause...

Tidal Wave: What?!

Sooner Girl: You go, I go.

Tidal Wave: What the hell does that mean?

I was numb still. I almost felt like I was in shock. I was no longer in control of the words that found themselves on the screen. My words.

Sooner Girl: I am holding a bottle of Albuterol, Nick. If you swallow the pills, I will drink the bottle. All of it. You know what it would do to me. My heart would beat over 200 times a minute and then stop.

Tidal Wave: LIZZ NO!!!

Sooner Girl: I will Nick.

Tidal Wave: No you won’t! I need to do this. You aren’t going to.

Sooner Girl: Ddammit Nick!! Are you listening to me?! If you swallow those pills, I will drink this bottle.

Tidal Wave: You won’t. Please. Live for me.

There was a pause. It felt like years passed, but in reality it was only a few seconds. I couldn’t move. Part of me was going insane inside. Another part of me was dead calm. It was an eerie feeling.

Tidal Wave: I took them. I’m sorry.

I began to shake again. I unscrewed the lid and set it down on the table. My thoughts weren’t rational anymore. I lifted the tiny brown bottle and drank the contents down. The bottle fell from my hands and surprisingly broke on the floor. I barely noticed.

Sooner Girl: You went, I went.

Tidal Wave: No...you didn’t. God, please say you didn’t.

Sooner Girl: I’m sorry Nick.

Tidal Wave: oh god Lizz. No! You can’t. I’ll throw the pills up. Please don’t do it!!!!!!

I started shaking again although now the cause was different. My heart beat grew rapid. I reached for the keyboard and had a hard time hitting the right keys.

Sooner Girl: Uit’s too larte Nick. I alreatdy drankl it.

Tidal Wave: I’m calling Brian!!! He's just a few feet away from me.

I started to get dizzy. Everything seemed to be moving, but I knew it wasn’t. I was shaking so bad I could barely type. I knew I didn’t have much time.

Tidal Wave: Lizz, this is Brian. You swallowed a bottle of Albuterol?

Sooner Girl: Yes. Hda to dstop Nick.

Tidal Wave: Lizz, you need to call 911. Can you do that for me?

I was starting to have a hard time staying conscious. My heart felt like it was going to pound out of my chest. It started to hurt and I whimpered.

Sooner Girl: Can’t get tot he phone. Cant move. Nick.

Tidal Wave: He is going to be fine. He threw them up. Lizz, I am going to call 911 for you. What is your address?

I concentrated really hard and finally started typing what I hoped was my address.

Pause.

Tidal Wave: Okay, I called them. Stay with me okay? Lizz, stay with me.

The beating of my heart grew faster and harder. Everything was spinning at an unbelievable rate. I was going to die. It was a miracle that I stayed typing.

Sooner Girl: I’m so sorrty. Please fogrive me/ Ididt want to huet anyoen.

Tidal Wave: You saved his life. We’ll talk about that later. Right now you need to stay awake until the paramedics get there. Okay?! STAY WITH ME!

The bold letters got my attention and I fought the sleepiness that was threatening to overcome me. I was shaking and I had broken out into a sweat. My heart pounded and the pain was becoming unbearable. My breathing was in short gasps. I typed very slowly to make sure it was right.

Sooner Girl: Tell all those dear to my heart that I love them. And I love you guys too. Don’t let Nicky die. I’m sorry I let you down. I did what I had to do. I have been living on grace and it is time. I’m sorry.

My vision disappeared and I wasn’t aware of anything around me. My heart sounded like it was beating in my ears. It was too fast. It hurt too bad. Yet, somewhere, in the depths of my soul I knew that Nick was going to be okay. That was my last thought before everything went black. Unbeknown st to me, the screen kept flashing with frantic messages.

Tidal Wave: Lizz, you didn’t let anyone down. Don’t talk like that. You will be fine. Nick will be fine. You saved him. Help is on the way. Just stay with me until then.

Tidal Wave: Lizz? Come on. Say something. Hit some keys so I know you are still with us.

Tidal Wave: Lizz?!!

Tidal Wave: Come on Lizz!!! Lizz!!!

Tidal Wave: LIZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!