I woke up to hear Kyung on the phone with someone. I couldn’t tell who it was so I just laid there and listened to the one-sided conversation. It wasn’t like I could do a whole lot anyway. I felt even weaker than before, but at least now I wasn’t in any pain. I had to think about that one for awhile, but then it occurred to me that I was probably on a bunch of pain medications. Kyung noticed me watching her and smiled.
“Hey sweetie.” She greeted me.
“Hi.” My voice came out raw, like I had been chewing on razor blades.
“That was Julia. She’s going to try to get down here.” Kyung nodded at the phone.
That made me smile. Julia was one of my closest friends, but I only got to see her when I went home on the occasional weekend or holiday. She and her husband were getting ready to move back to India in a few months. A couple years before they stayed there for almost a year and they loved it. “How is she going to do that with her little one?” She had just had a baby a few months ago.
Kyung shrugged. “She is pretty determined. Oh, I tried to get through to your parents again, but there still isn’t an answer.”
“I bet they went to Kansas for an auction. If that is what they did then they won’t be back for a few days.” I vaguely remembered my mom mentioning that when I talked to her last. That meant that would not be home until a couple days later. I was cool with that.
“I’m sorry, Lizz.”
I shook my head softly. “It’s better that way anyway. You know my mom. She’d freak. It’s better that I tell her about all this when I am doing better so it is easier on her.”
Kyung stared at me. “You amaze me.” She said quietly.
“What?” I demanded.
“Nothing.”
Okay whatever that was...Then Nick flashed into my head. “How’s Nick?” I asked anxiously.
“Well I got to see him.” She started.
I narrowed my eyes at her. “You better not have been pissy at him.” I knew how she was and I could just see her being mad at him for all of this. I tried to think of something to say to her so she wouldn’t blame him. It was my decision to do this, he didn’t force me too. Although that was something I didn’t want to think about. I didn’t want to think about how the rest of my life was affected now. The fact that if I didn’t get a transfusion soon then I would die. The fact that I had messed myself up pretty bad. I couldn’t even stand on my own two feet and my whole body was screwed up from the albuterol. Some of it was still in my system, I could tell. And now I was going to have to start dialysis. I didn’t know very much about it, but I knew that it wasn’t always pleasant.
“No, I wasn’t pissy at him. I’m not mad at him. I just am...mad that all this happened.” Kyung said, bringing me out of my thoughts. Still, even though my life was pretty screwed up at the moment, I don’t regret doing what I did. At least Nick was still with us.
“Good!” I said. I looked down at my arm and noticed the white bandage around it. “That’s the graft huh?” I said quietly.
Kyung nodded. “They won’t be able to use it for awhile though. It needs to heal first. Did they tell you what they were going to do meanwhile?”
“No.”
Kyung broke her gaze from me. “The only way they can do it for now is by putting a tube either in your neck or just below your collar bone.”
My eyes widened. “Oh god.” That didn’t sound good. In fact it sounded pretty bad. It scared the crap out of me.
She returned her gaze to me. “It’s only until the graft heals. They’ll be here in a little bit to start you on the dialysis.”
“What’s it going to be like? Other than the tube part...” I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
“Well it is different for everyone. There are some side effects that you might get. Especially considering the state you are in now. Dizziness, nausea, headache, stuff like that.” She listed.
“Oh fun.” I smiled wryly.
“Maybe it won’t have to go on for long.” Kyung suggested.
“What if I don’t get a transplant?” I asked her. I don’t know why I bothered. I already knew the answer.
“Lizz, you’ll get one.” She gave me a look.
“But what if I don’t?” I persisted.
“Lizz!”
I saw that I was upsetting her so I shut up. I don’t know what the point of all that was anyway. Maybe I just needed to hear the words out loud so they wouldn’t seem so unreal. It wasn’t unreal. If I didn’t get a donor, I would die. It was as simple as that. Then the feelings of blaming me started hitting me. For some reason I felt like none of this shouldn’t have happened. I should have prevented it. What kind of friend was I to Nick if I couldn’t help him? I still didn’t even know if he was going to be okay or not. I just know that I should have done something to stop him. A little part of me tried to tell me that these feelings were ridiculous just like Kyung had told me. I couldn’t help it though. He was so close and I couldn’t do a thing. The emotional turmoil inside of me was growing.
“Lizz what’s wrong?” Kyung looked at me carefully.
I didn’t trust my voice so I didn’t say anything. Just then her pager vibrated and I watched her suck in a breath when she read the message.
“What?” I demanded.
“It’s Brian’s cell. He told me if anything happened he’d page me. I’ll be back in a minute.” She rushed out of the room and left me to sit there and worry about what had happened.
