I blew it, I was selfish and I blew it and now this girl was probably dead because of me.

I watched as he typed a final message to her screen name. Brian put his cell phone number and his pager number along with a message for whoever read this to call and let them know how Lizz was.

Then Brian sighed and leaned forward, putting his head in his hands. "Why Nick? Why did you take those pills?"

"I guess I wasn't thinking," I lied.

Brian's head shot up. "BULLSHIT NICK! You had a reason and an intention and I want to know why you did this!"

I cringed when Brian swore. He rarely cursed unless something really angered him. I was the obvious subject of his anger.

"I dunno, I guess I just let too many people down. Everyone wants something from me. I try to be good and make friends and stuff but it just never works out," I rambled, desperately trying to find some words that hopefully would make sense to Brian and that he would accept my answer.

"Let too many people down?" Brian questioned. "Who Nick? Why would you think that?"

I gestured at the computer.

"You know how I was online trying to kill time during this ride?" I started out, looking past Brian and out the window at the scenery that was passing by.

”Yes, go on," Brian encouraged.

"Well, it started out okay, but then someone figured out who I was and then suddenly I got accused of being a poser when I told them that I couldn't get them backstage passes and concert tickets for a show."

There, I confessed to Brian. I watched him, trying to figure out what was going on in his head. He sat there for the longest time, not speaking, just thinking. He finally started shaking his head slowly.

"Nick, why do you go online? You get this every time you go online. Is it worth taking your life over the fact that you can't please everyone and that they call you a poser? Think of your parents or your brother and sisters for that matter. Think of me or your fans. We would die if you did anything to hurt yourself.," Brian stated in a hushed whisper.

I shrugged my shoulders. How could I answer his question. I just felt miserable and now I felt totally rotten because of what happened with Lizz. Tears started spilling down onto my cheeks and I angrily wiped them away.

Brian wrapped his arms around me and held me, I finally allowed the overwhelming emotions to surface.

I started to grow tired, effects from some of the pills that didn't come up when I threw up.

"Brian, I want to go to my bunk and lay down, okay?"

Brian looked into my eyes. "Are you alright Nick?"

I knew he was suspicious. He was going to be my shadow for the next couple of days whether I liked it or not, until he was certain that I was in a better frame of mind. He would have everything locked up and he would be watching me constantly. It was my own fault, I deserved it. I knew this was coming, Brian and I had been down this road before.

"Yeah, I'm okay, I'm just a little tired," I replied.

I made my way down the narrow aisle towards the bunks. AJ and Howie were laying in theirs, so I tried to be as quiet as possible as I laid back against the pillows and closed my eyes, being lulled to sleep by the vibration of the engine of the bus.

There was too much noise. All around me there was an unbelievable level of noise. It made my head hurt. I tried to open my eyes, but they were so heavy. Instead I tried to say something. All that came out though, was a quiet moan.

“Lizz? Can you hear me?” I heard a voice somewhere off in the distance. I didn’t recognize it.

I moaned again, a little louder this time. Something wasn’t right. I didn’t feel good. Well, that was an understatement. My whole body hurt and I couldn’t think right. Everything seemed too hazy, like I was in a fog.

“Lizz, can you open your eyes for me? Lizz?” The unfamiliar voice grew even further away. The blackness that had previously taken me away, came back.

I don’t know how long I faded in and out of consciousness like that. When I finally woke up all the way, the first sensation that came to me was the noise. It was a steady beep. The second sensation that hit me was the pain. It was the same pain that I felt when I barely woke up the first time. I decided to try and open my eyes again.

“Lizz!” Came a hushed voice. Kyung was sitting in a chair beside my bed. Her eyes were red and puffy, but she was smiling now.

“Wha’ ‘appen?” I whispered. I was shocked at how weak my voice sounded.

“You don’t remember?” Kyung asked quietly.

I tried to shake my head, but that hurt something fierce so I mouthed “no,” instead.

“Lizz, you are in the hospital. In ICU. You swallowed a bottle of Albuterol.” She told me, her voice shaking.

My head swam. I did what?! I swallowed a bottle...Oh my god!Everything hit all at once. The conversation with Nick, the pills, the helpless feeling, picking up the bottle of Albuterol, trying to type my good-byes. “Nick!” I tried to cry out.

She ignored what I had said. “Lizz, why would you do that? Why did you try to kill yourself?” She was trying to hold back tears.

I weakly gestured for her to come closer. “I had to stop Nick. He was going to kill himself and I couldn’t seem to get through to him. Out of sheer desperation I told him I would drink the Albuterol if he took the pills. I guess he didn’t believe me or he didn’t care. I don’t know. But I drank it. I don’t know why. I don’t remember much of anything after that, except saying good-bye.” It was hard to get all that out considering my weakened state, but I was determined.

Kyung just stared at me. Finally the tears that she was holding back came spilling down her cheeks. “Lizz, I can’t believe you did that. How could I have lived without my best friend. Lizz, I almost lost you. You almost died.”

I started crying too. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I just had to do something. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”

She put her arms around me and hugged me. “Please don’t ever do something like that again. I couldn’t handle it if I lost you.”

We stayed like that for a few minutes. Finally we broke apart and she sat back down.

“K, I feel like a truck ran over me. Why do I hurt so much? What happened? How did they find me?” I groaned as the pain seemed to wash over me in waves.

“I don’t know how they found you. Did you call 911?” She asked.

“I don’t think so. I don’t remember. The only thing I remember after drinking the stuff, was typing out my good-byes. I don’t know why I remember that.” I explained.

“I was on duty when they brought you in. You had just started breathing again, but you stopped as soon as they brought you in. They wouldn’t let me work on you, for obvious reasons. They gave you epinephrine to get your heart going again in the ambulance. They also had to intubate you.” She told me. She was an intern here in the hospital. She mostly worked in cardiac cases.

My eyes widened. “Shouldn’t I be on a ventilator or something?” For some reason it seemed weird that I wasn’t.

Her eyebrows furrowed. “That is the weird thing. By some miracle of God, once they got you breathing again your heart was strong enough to keep your lungs functioning so that you didn’t need to be put on one. I don’t think I have heard of that happening before. You baffled everyone.”

That shocked me to say the least. “So I’m going to be okay? Then why do I hurt so much. Every part of me hurts.”

“Lizz, first you took a drug that sped up your heart beat to an unbelievable rate. Then your heart stopped and therefore no blood was being pumped through you. When they shot you full of epinephrine everything started functioning in overdrive again. It is a miracle that you are still alive.” Kyung told me as she shook her head. The look on her face was one of sheer wonderment.

“Whoa...” I thought a minute. “Kyung, I need you to help me. Will you send an e-mail to Nick? I have to tell him that I am going to be okay.”

“Wait, didn’t you say that he swallowed a handful of pills?” Kyung asked.

“Yeah, but...” I tried to remember the conversation. I remembered something else. “Brian got on. He said Nick threw them back up. That means he would be okay.”

Kyung shook her head. “That doesn’t necessarily mean anything. If he didn’t get them all up he could be in trouble.”

I frowned. I knew that he had done this before, but she didn’t know that. I chose my words carefully. “But not everyone ends up this bad if they did this. He’s probably okay right?” I searched her face for a reassurance. “Lizz, a lot of it depends on what he took. And how big of a handful. Some meds would kill him if he took 5 and some wouldn’t if he took 10. It depends.” “But Brian said he was okay.” I argued. “Besides they would try to avoid the hospital at all costs. You know, the media an stuff.”

“Yeah, but if it were really serious, then they wouldn’t have a choice. What might have happened after that? He could be fine and then suddenly pass out. Or he could get really sleepy and then not wake up. Or when what he took started to get into his system it could have a bad reaction. Do you know what he took? Is he on any other meds that it could react with?” She gazed at me intently.

I paused. “I don’t know...” I said finally. “Damn.” I swore. “Something can’t happen. He has to be okay.” I said in frustration.

“Well what about you?!” Kyung cried. “You need to worry about yourself and getting yourself better.”

I sighed. “I know, I know. Will you check and sure he isn’t here?” I whispered. The pain was starting to get worse. It was centered around my stomach area. It coursed through my back and whole midsection.

“Why would he be here?!” Questioned Kyung. “I thought he lived in Florida.”

“They’re on tour right now. Right when I was talking to him he should have been passing through Oklahoma City. He was so close to us. That’s what kills me. He was so close, yet, I still couldn’t do anything.” A lump formed in my throat. “Even if something happened, he isn’t necessarily here. Depends on how close he was to the city.”

“Okay, I’ll find out for you. Be right back.” She left and I was alone with my thoughts. That pain in my stomach was becoming borderline unbearable, but I pushed it away. At the present, finding out if Nick was okay. I wanted to believe more than anything was okay, but Kyung’s words, made me worry.

She came back five minutes later. “He hasn’t been in yet and I called around and no high-profile patients have come in and no one matching his description has come in either.” She relayed.

I smiled tightly. “Thank God.”

“Lizz, just don’t get your hopes too far up yet until we know.” She warned.

“Will you try to get a hold of him on instant messenger? His name is Tidal Wave.” I asked.

She narrowed her eyes. “I don’t think you want me to talk to him.” She said darkly.

I recognized that look in her eyes. “K, please. Don’t blame him. It was my own decision.” I pleaded.

She started to say something, but changed her mind. “Okay.” She said finally. “What do you want me to say?”

I didn’t answer. The pain was shooting now and I couldn’t even think past it. I gasped.

“What?!” Kyung exclaimed, her face full of alarm.

“My stomach...hurts...on fire...” I managed to gasp out before I started to drift into unconsciousness. I faintly heard the machines I was attached to start beeping shrilly. I heard Kyung yelling too. Then all was silent.