The nurse left to go take the forms out. I, on the other hand, was freaking out. I was fighting the urge to panic with everything that was in me. And by this point, that wasn’t much. Who was my donor?! Why did the nurse beat around the bush when I tried to ask? I couldn’t leave Nick now, there was no way. Especially now that he was hopefully going to start getting better. It was my fault that this had happened and I sure as hell wasn’t going to bail on him now. Then a sudden thought occurred to me. What if the donor was Nick?! What if something happened? So much for control. I started breathing rapidly and choked back a sob. I couldn’t bear the thought of anything happening to Nick. This was all my fault! I pushed the sheets back roughly and tried to push myself off of the pillows. Sharp pains coursed through me and I let out a cry. I was beginning to get frantic. "Please…" I moaned. After struggling for a few more minutes my whole body was trembling and I was gasping for air. At that moment, the door flew open.

"Lizz!" Kyung rushed over to me. I was struggling to remain sitting and gave in to her outstretched arms.

"Nick! Oh god! He’s…" I cried as I held a death grip on her.

"Lizz, Lizz! He’s fine. Nick’s fine!" Kyung tried to get my attention.

"You mean…he’s not…" I sagged against her. She leaned me back onto my pillows and then began messing with the oxygen levels. Brian sat down on the edge of the bed.

"You thought he was your donor?" He asked softly.

I nodded shakily. I could feel the oxygen flow was stronger and tried to take it in. "I can’t leave." I choked out.

"There isn’t a choice. You need to get this transplant." Brian reasoned.

I shook my head. "Then I have to wait until Nick is better enough to go too." I said stubbornly. My voice was all breathy. Why wasn’t I getting enough air?

"Lizz…" Brian started. Another thought occurred to me. If Nick wasn’t my donor, then who was it? I knew how transplant lists worked. I nearly was on one many years ago. Something must have happened in order for me to get a kidney so fast. "Where is this kidney coming from?" I whispered.

Brian and Kyung glanced at each other. I could tell that they didn’t want to tell me the answer to that. At that moment, I was scarcely aware of how hard it was to breathe nor the searing pain that threatened to knock me out. I only sat and waited, an icy fear enveloping my heart.

“Lizz, that’s not important to know right now,” Kyung quietly stated. Brian slightly nodded his head in agreement.

“Like hell,” Lizz whispered.

Hearing the heart monitor start to pick up pace with Lizz’s agitation, Brian gave in and decided to tell Lizz a little about the donor.

“Lizz, it’s from an 18 year old girl from St. Louis, Missouri,” Brian started out.

“And?” Lizz sharply whispered.

Brian’s shoulder’s sank. “You aren’t just gonna leave it at that, are you?”

Lizz narrowed her eyes at Brian.

A slight smile played on his lips. “Guess not. She is a feisty one.”

Kyung nodded. “Can’t help it, stubbornness and bitchiness is in her character.”

Lizz continued to stare at Brian and Kyung.

He took a deep breath in. “Okay...... well, she just happened to be a BSB fan and her parents read about what was going on with how you tried to help Nick and their hearts went out to you and they felt that if their daughter’s kidneys matched your genetic profiles, they wanted them to go to you, they felt it would be the right thing to do with them.”

Brian tried his best to look Lizz in the face. He wasn’t actually lying about the details; he was just skipping a few details. He hoped Lizz would never want to know the full details but he knew eventually she would be asking or hearing about it.

Satisfied with Brian’s explanation, Lizz closed her eyes. The nurses finished up with the final preparations of her transport to Tulsa. Suddenly, Lizz’s eyes popped open.

“Does Nick know anything about this yet?”

Kyung smoothed the blankets up by Lizz’s neck. “No, not yet.”

“I want to see him before I go,” Lizz insisted.

An ambulance attendant entered the room. “Okay, ready to go to Tulsa?”

“No, not until I see Nick,” Lizz continued her protest.

“Sweetie, there isn’t time, you have to go now,” Kyung gently argued. “I will make sure either Brian or myself tell him what’s going on and keep him informed, okay? You don’t have a choice in this.”

“Good Morning, are you ready for breakfast?”

Startled, I opened my eyes to see Nicole, a day nurse enter my room with a tray in her hand. I was so damned used the routine by now, she brings in the tray, helps me to sit up and then she feeds me. I was about to give into the all familiar chain of events when I remembered I could use my left hand. I was right handed, but hell I could use my left hand! I shook my head “no” and held up my left hand and opened and closed it.

“You can use your hand? Gosh, it’s not charted but hey, I’m happy for you,” Nicole said as she placed the tray on the stand and proceeded to set it up.

I nodded and was anxious to try my new skills out. I didn’t want her to sit and watch me though. I managed a “friendly” glare at her so that she would understand my intentions.

“You want me to leave?”

I shook my head yes.

“Oh, gosh, I’m so sorry but I can’t,” Nicole replied. She must have noticed the bewildered look I was giving her, not understanding why she had to stand there and watch me eat. “You could start to choke.”

Shrugging my shoulders, I knew she was going to stand beside my bed no matter what. I carefully grasped the spoon and plunged it into the steaming bowl of oatmeal. Instead of smooth, flowing movements, my hand acted as if were detached from my body as it slammed into the bowl, almost knocking it over.

“It’s okay, just relax,” Nicole coached.

Fishing around in the bowl with the spoon, I finally managed to scoop some oatmeal onto the spoon. As I slowly moved the spoon up towards my mouth, the contents were starting to fall off as they were guided by my shaky movements. When the spoon finally met up with my mouth, instead of a mouthful of warm cereal, I closed my mouth around a spoon that contained a miniscule amount of oatmeal and a drop of milk.

“That’s good..... great,” Nicole coached.

I dropped the spoon onto the tray. “Bitch, dammit,” I shouted in frustration.

Nicole was desensitized by my words. I’m sure she had heard it all, but still, it was embarrassing that I couldn’t control what I was saying either.

“Hey Nick! Breakfast?”

I saw Brian enter the room and I felt relief wash over me.

“He’s trying to eat breakfast by himself,” Nicole cheerfully pointed out.

Brian’s face brightened, I could see he was just as pleased as I was about the development. He caught my look of disapproval about Nicole being in the room while I ate.

“Thank God, that’s wonderful. Hey, I can take it from here, I mean, as long as it’s okay with you,” Brian smiled as he approached the bed.

“Um... sure, I guess it would be,” Nicole hesitantly replied. “If you need anything Nick, use the call button, okay?”

I nodded yes quickly, trying to get her out of the room. I tried struggling with the spoon again. I noticed Brian’s face matched the feelings of frustration I was feeling.

“It’s okay Nick, I’m sure this will be getting better and better as each hour passes, I mean look, you weren’t even able to move your hand yesterday,” Brian pointed out.

I shrugged my shoulders. God, how does Brian always know the right words to say to people?

I could tell it was tearing him apart watching me try to eat and look like a two year old in the process. I managed to get a half a bowl of oatmeal down me before I got tired of the whole deal and gave up. I was still hungry but I didn’t care.

“Lizz?”

“She’s fine,” Brian lied.

“See Lizz?”

I was hoping Brian would agree to my request, it was a long shot, but I tried it every time I saw either him or Kyung.

Brian shook his head no. “You can’t and you know that Nick, why do you always ask?”

I managed to smile. Hell a guy can try.

Nicole entered the room. “Kyung wanted me to tell you that she was going to drive to Tulsa and she would call you as soon as the surgery was over with.”

My mind raced with questions, Brian had been hiding something and I knew it, now it was confirmed. The guilty look on his face said it all. He didn’t want to look me in the eyes as he quietly thanked Nicole for the information. I clamped my left hand on his arm, I felt his body tense up. He turned and faced me.

“Spill,” I slowly said.

Just as Brian opened his mouth to reply, AJ burst through the door.

“Nickolas! my boy, how the fuck are you doing?”

I narrowed my eyes at AJ. He always had the persona of picking the wrong place, wrong time, and wrong choice of words.

AJ looked at my face and then at Brian’s. “Not good?”

“Spill,” I asked Brian again, trying to ignore AJ at the moment.

Brian sighed. “Lizz is being sent to Tulsa, but Nick its good news, they found a kidney for her and she’s getting a transplant! Trust me, she wasn’t very happy about being separated from you but this is where the surgical team was and she had no other choice.”

I was happy to hear the news, but for some reason I felt that Brian was hiding something from me, after all, he would have mentioned something when he first came in the room but instead he chose to be secretive about the whole situation. I decided to accept his explanation for now.

Lizz looked around the operating room, fear in her eyes. Thoughts played in her head. Her worry about Nick, her fear about what if she didn’t make it through surgery, her fear of her body rejecting the donated kidney.

“Okay honey, we’re all set, are you ready?” the anesthesiologist softly asked.

“No, but I guess I don’t have any choice,” Lizz whispered.

“Sorry, afraid not, besides, doctor prefers his patients asleep during surgery,” the doctor winked.

Before Lizz could respond, she felt the burn in her arm and the funny taste in her mouth..... Then it was dark.

Kyung paced back and forth around the surgical waiting room in Tulsa. A familiar sensation of de ja vú filled her and she sighed. It was the waiting that was the worst. Well, that and the “what-ifs?” Kyung tried to force herself not to even go there. Lizz was going to be okay. Finally, out of sheer boredom she sat down on one of the hard, plastic couches and tried to watch some TV. How boring, the news.

“Nick, would it be okay if AJ and I went down to the cafeteria for a little bit?” Brian asked.

Nick nodded and even smiled a little. He was so worried about Brian. Nick knew Brian was totally exhausted, but was too determined to stay by his best friend’s side than take care of himself. If going to the cafeteria meant getting some food into him, then Nick was all for it. He concentrated on making his next word come out right. “Eat!”

Brian chuckled. “I will don’t worry.” He looked pleased that Nick was getting better at expressing his thoughts.

“You look like you need to eat something. How are you even standing?” AJ stared at Brian.

Brian just shrugged. “No choice in the matter.” He turned his attention back to Nick. “Have your nurse page me if you need anything, okay bud?”

Nick nodded at the TV. “Watch TV, go eat!” He ordered with a grin. Okay, so maybe it didn’t come out crystal clear, but he was definitely getting better.

AJ glanced up at Nick’s TV. “Yeah, news, how exciting.” He muttered. Then he grinned. “Isn’t Jerry Springer on?”

Brian groaned. “Let’s go.” They both walked out and headed for the cafeteria.

“Okay, what did I just miss? Why did he just look upset?” AJ asked.

“As usual, when he saw me, he asked if he could go see Lizz...” Brian started.

“Lizz?” AJ interrupted.

“The girl that Nick talked to right before he took those pills. She drank that medicine and nearly died!” Brian exclaimed, exasperated.

“Sorry! I forgot her name that’s all.” AJ held up his hands.

“Anyway, they finally got a kidney for her. Only...” Brian paused.

“Only...” AJ prompted. He could tell whatever this was, it wasn’t good.

“The kidney is coming from a girl that killed herself after reading what was in the Enquirer.” Brian said quietly.

“Holy shit.” AJ murmured. “That’s bad.” Brian nodded. “Lizz was asking who the donor was. I told her everything except for how she died. Nick doesn’t know either. I’m afraid of how they are going to react when they find out. They both blame themselves for this and this might set either one of them or both of them over the edge.”

AJ shook his head sadly.